Post # 1
Since my fiance proposed to me last December I have been planning away at my wedding. We hit some hard hard bumps but got through it and everything was all great up until recently… why? he put the money towards the wedding on a house. Its somewhat of a bigger house than I would like or that he even wouldve liked but its pretty and whatevs. There will be no wedding. Oh yeah, and a couple days ago I found out that Im pregnant. and heres the kicker, he will break up with me if I get an abortion. We arent even financially ready or anything to be having a kid. He is freaking out about this house and money and keeping money in the account because of the lender blablabla…
WTF. Instead of a wedding and everything going as planned, he spends all of his money on a house and Im pregnant. Im happy, dont get me wrong but also scared and weirded out he wants a baby. I told him Im not moving in with him to the house unless were married like go to city hall type of thing. Personally and culturally I just dont feel comfortable living in “his” house and having a baby before being married. I am split on the whole family is more important than marriage thing cause I believe in both. (you know, the whole penelope cruz idea). He is still so immature and so selfish. Yes, right now is a great time to buy a house but he wasnt even prepared or ready to buy a house. He is stressing me out and making me go broke because he cant spend a time until the house closes. Does this even sound right?! Am i rightfully upset because long story short, he is a mamas boy and is so lazy and has that mentality that asian women love to cook and clean so its almost like our “duty” attitude. he is also an engineer at a place that is ALL males so the advice he gets and the things he hears is BS and just ridiculous mantalk. uuggh!!!
so im not crazy right? you would be upset too wouldnt you ladies?! help! i need advice…
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re so upset but I’m confused on a couple of points:
You’re engaged but you didn’t discuss buying a HOUSE together?
You feel that it is morally wrong to live together before marriage but you would consider an abortion?
I just re-read your second paragraph… is there anything you like or even love about him??
Post # 4
Hm…. Hard one to respond to. First of all; pregnancy aside; it sounds like there are some issues to work out before you would get married. You are talking down about him and his issues of being “selfish” “immature” “mamas boy” “lazy.” Those are pretty harsh words to use towards your Future Husband. You need to be happy in your relationship before you enter marriage. Secondly about the house. It should be a mutual decision. If you are both putting money towards this then you both should have had a say in the purchase. If he is making all the decisions then you should not be financially repsonsible for them. Yes about not spending a dime. If you are cutting it close with your closing costs the bank MUST know that you have the money for the downpayment or they will not approve the loan. Thirdly; the child. That also should be a mutual decision. Personally i feel it takes two people to make a baby and it takes two to raise a baby. If you were not finacially ready for a child then you should have taken procaution to prevent it. It’s not the babies fault that you can’t afford it right now. If he is against abortion then he has the right to have that opinion.He may not actually WANT a baby; but he knows how he feels about being ProLife. U apparently aren’t against abortion. That’s for the two of you to work out.
The main issue here however; is weather you are happy in this relationship & if you even want to marry this man. It sounds like the House & Baby are just the icing on the cake. There are more important underlying issues here. Marriage is suppose to be Forever. & Forever could really feel like forever if your not happy with him.
Post # 5
Of course you have a right to be upset. We all have a right to our feelings and you are dealing with a lot of sudden changed plans right now, what with the house, the pregnancy, the cancellation of the wedding etc.
The thing that would concern me most though is the lack of consultation and mutual agreement on such a major decision as buying a house.
You need to realize that this is likely to continue to be the way he behaves. Please don’t continue to blame it on his immaturity. This is the way he views your relalationship and it will continue to be.
Post # 6
I would be very upset. There is no reason he cant pay for things he just should go out and buy a 10k car or somthing.
And not taking in to concideration that you have been planning a wedding and that you WANT a wedding is not ok IMO.
Buying things like houses should be talked about with you and you both should agree on things.
Honestly if it was me I wouldn’t have the baby. You guys dont seem ready :/
Post # 7
I had the same exact response as PinkStripes.
I am sorry things haven’t gone as planned. Is it just finacially that you are not ready for a baby? Then talk to your FI about that, people always figure out a way to make it work.
But marrying someone who doesn’t have the same ideas or values as you can get a little bit tricky.
Post # 8
I think a house is definitely more important than a wedding – um where are you going to live once you have the baby?
I think you two have some M.A.J.O.R. issues you need to work out before even thinking about marriage in the first place.
If he’s lazy, and a mama’s boy and you think you want an abortion – and you’re not ready for a baby and would rather have a day for YOU rather than a house for your family… I think it’s time to be thinking about your options. There are many people out in the world who are not as fortunate as you to have conceived.. adoption is always an option.
Post # 9
I think I need some clarification….you were saving up for the wedding and without consulting you to any degree he bought a house?
Because it sounds like that’s the case and it sounds like that’s the major problem, imho. If you two have differing views on what a marriage is then now is not the time to get married and having a child together is not a good enough reason to get married.
Post # 10
I agree, that pregnancy aside, there are some issues that stand out in your post, the first and foremost being that you are engaged to be married and you did not discuss buying the house together. If you are engaged you are committing to spend the future together and even if he bought a house, and you contributed no money, it should be a mutual decision as it will be *your* house, even if he is the one who paid for it. I think you need to discuss a great deal with your fiance and you need to be in agreement on the major decisions upcoming, especially regarding your pregnancy, the house, and your relationship.
Post # 11
Something smells rotten in Virginia. Just saying.
Post # 12
Wow. Your situation certainly sounds tense. Has he signed papers on the house yet? Sounds like he hasn’t gone to closing yet so I would sit down with him and talk to him about how you feel. If he hasn’t gone to closing, he can still withdraw his offer with a penalty of his deposit (probably $2000.) I would explain that, not even worrying about the wedding, having a baby is going to cost a lot of money. If you don’t feel comfortable buying this house b/c of what it is costing, he has to know that. You have to sit down with him and tell him that. If he won’t listen to you, I think you need to think long and hard about marrying him.
He doesn’t seem to have your opinion, thoughts or feelings in mind with what he is doing.
How long have you two been together? If you were planning a wedding, I would think that everything would be a ‘couple’ decision by now. ESPECIALLY buying a HOUSE! That’s nuts!
You need to do what’s best for you. You need to think about if you really want to be with someone who doesn’t take your opinion into consideration with the biggest financial responsibility you will ever have. Remember, he may be buying this house but once you are married, you are half responsible for the house, as well. If you are not marrried, you are not responsible for it.
Also, regarding the baby. I think you need to think what is best for you and the baby at this point. I’m sorry but it just doesn’t sound like your Fi has your best interest in mind right now. Whether you want to keep the baby, have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption is up to YOU. it should be up to you and your Fi but again, doesn’t sound like he’s thinking of you at this point.
I would consider also talking to someone you trust or a therapist about all of this. It sounds like a bit much to handle right now. Take a deep breath, figure out who is the best person to talk to of all of your friends, family, etc and call them. Ask for some time to talk things out with them. They know your situation better than we do.
Post # 13
Okay, all other issues aside, because I think the PP’s have hit those on the head, the one thing I picked up on is that the house hasn’t closed yet???
IT’S NOT TOO LATE.
He might lose some money, but he can back out (NOW, as long as he hasn’t signed final loan docs) and put that money towards the baby. If he wants to keep it he can’t buy a house right now.
Cannot. He needs to support you and the baby, not buy a too-big house and go into debt.
Post # 14
geez, what a mess of a situation. I think you do have a right to be upset, and you and your FI need to sit down and have a serious talk together. Marriage, house, and baby are probably the three BIGGEST decisons you will make with your FI, and it seems like all three of those decisions have not been thoroughly discussed and agreed upon.
This is a big problem and you guys need to get on the same page, ASAP. Otherwise I’m afraid you might have these sames issues for the rest of your lives. Theres no time like the present!!
Post # 15
First off, when it comes right down to it, it is 100% your choice about having the baby. If you are happy with it, then Congratulations! If you are not, then there are options available to you.
It sounds sort of like you two may have different values, which may be a problem in the long run, even if you end up on the same page this time. That, combined with what sounds like him making decisions that affect you and your plans, without consulting you, makes me think that perhaps you should take a serious look at your relationship, because I certainly don’t think you are crazy. You have some valid reasons to be upset with this situation.
Post # 16
Forgive me but I am totally confused…
With a baby on the way it seems like securing a home, and not a lavish wedding, would be the priority. The reality is, beyond a license you just need a civil ceremony to make it official anyway. More importantly though, did he buy the house without you knowing? If so, that’s a much bigger issue b/c that doesn’t seem like something that should happen between an engaged couple.