Forgiveness – really need advice! (LONG)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Stop apologizing and start ignoring him – who wants THAT kind of weird, useless drama in their life?!
Don’t feel bad – that’s exactly how he wants you to feel. It’s putting you down to make himself (and his wife I guess?) feel better. You need to rise above that.

If he wants to be so insistant and go on about a thing that didn’t even happen in the past, you can always just blatently change the topic.

I wouldn’t really want to see him anymore, but it sounds like you already don’t, so that’s good. The holidays are just one day – you can do it!

Post # 4
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Christy42213:  Did he go to your wedding? How did he act there?

Your brother sounds terribly immature…is that a pattern with him or was it an isolated incident that happened for the wedding(s)? Being family does not give you an all access pass to treat each other like shit. If my brothers treated me that way, I wouldn’t have anything to do with them either.

When you get married, you get ONE day. And not even one full day. You get the time I dedicate to spending there. It matters a lot more to you than it does to anyone else. He does not get the WHOLE YEAR and he has no right to treat you the way he did…or ask you to apologize for doing nothing wrong.

I sure wouldn’t want to be around someone I had to walk on egg shells for and always worry about offending.  

Post # 5
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@Christy42213:  hmm read the whole thing. your brother’s behavior was beyond baffling, but when you say he’s not nice, not smart, and an alcoholic his inexplicable behavior becomes a little more understandable. I don’t blame you for wanting distance from him. I think your option is to bow out of Thanksgiving, as you can’t get him uninvited or anything. How close are you to your dad and stepmom? Could you tell them honestly how you’re feeling and see what gives? You might need to swap your holiday plans around to avoid him unfortunately.  Sounds like it’s not worth the stress. 

Sorry about your situation, his anger at you about the wedding dates seems completely unfounded and is pretty ridiculous. You’re smart to quit trying to reconcile about it, cause he doesn’t make any sense, and just move on w/o him if need be. 

Post # 6
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

There’s a difference between forgiving and forgetting.  You can forgive him and still let your (step?) mom know that while you really want to spend the holiday with her, there are still some open wounds, and you’re sure you and your brother being together will just cause drama that you’re not interested in. 

Post # 7
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

Your brother sounds like a douchebag. I mean if this was a woman complaining about a sibling’s wedding date MANY of the bees reaction is “You get ONE DAY” …not the month, not the year etc. He jumped down your throat about you “stealing” his date and you weren’t even thinking about it. He is in the wrong.

Go to Thanksgiving with your family. Smile and say hello but STOP APOLOGIZING TO HIM, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. If you keep acting like a doormat he’ll keep walking all over you and like you said if you get pregnant first are you supposed to apologize to him because you did it first? HELL NO.

Post # 8
Member
2630 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Christy42213:  ((hugs)) I can totally understand why it’s so hard to forgive him. Hell, I’m surprised you’re even consisering it already after such crap. First of all, you’re not a bad person for being upset. He acted like an asshole was so hurtful. It’s natural for you to be hurt. Secondly, let yourself be angry and hurt. Holding it in and/or trying to just push it down and away will only make it harder to get over. 

As for Thanksgiving, I know you want to see your dad and stepmom, but it sounds like it isn’t the best thing for you to be around your brother. Would it be possible to see them some other day that week? You’d get to spend time with them and save your sanity while not forcing some sort of situation where they have to choose between you and your brother. Wins!

I also agree with PPs who have said to stop apologizing to him. It just perpetuates his terrible behavior and makes you feel worse at the end of the day. Take care of you first.

Post # 9
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I am also inclined to believe he is a douchebag. Seriously, what he is doing with regards to his wedding date is 10x worse than I’ve seen brides do with regards to their Special Day.

He is being a selfish, immature child. And honestly, I think a lot of it probably has to do with jealousy. I would say he ought to be ashamed of himself….but I feel like he probably already is, or he would just love you and want you to be happy.

Stop apologizing to him. If he is enjoying holding this grudge, let him. It seems everyone else can see exactly what a git he is. But you don’t need that toxicity in your life.

Post # 10
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Does your brother secretly have a vagina? Because he’s acting like a 16 year old girl! What the heck! I don’t have the mental capacity right now to offer any decent advice but I wanted to say wtf is wrong with him!

Post # 12
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I had the same problem with a cousin.

She got engaged before me and only decided to get married when I told her my date and then she decided to make her date one month before mine.

Keep reassuring yourself that he lives a petty meaningless life and he has to perpetuate this drama in order to make his life interesting cause why would any sane person constantly bicker and hold onto sh*t for this long if not for attention?

 

Post # 13
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Christy42213:  You can forgive him, and work on living that.  But you can not forget that he’ll hurt you and choose to avoid that. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors