(Closed) Former Bridesmaid gets married, 2 friends MIA…

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

I would feel the same way you do.  I tend to feel like I do a lot for people and get very little in return.  It frustrates me and makes me sad when they can’t manage to do the same!

Post # 4
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

hmmm.  im sorry you are dealing with this.

honestly, i think you probably would have had an easier time if you hadnt actually been married a year ago.  i know that i do not get as excited for vow renewals, etc.  since people know that you are already married, they may just not be as willing to make huge concessions regarding time, money, vacation days, etc.

i understand that you feel cheated because you did all these things for them.  and really, a good friend would go the extra mile.  only you know whether this bothers you enough to end the friendships.  but for me, unless we were BFFs, i wouldnt travel to a friday vow renewal.

Post # 6
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry your feeling are hurt, but weddings aren’t about payback. It was great that you were able and willing to make the effort to be a part of your friends event, but they don’t OWE you anything. That was what the thank you card and probably bridesmaid gift was for.

And, while this may be part of your wedding to you, most people are going to see this as a party, not a wedding. Your wedding already happened and they weren’t invited. I know this is not how you intend it to be, but to alot of people this might just look like an attempt to get presents, not a reception to a wedding.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh, because I don’t mean to, but I think your perspective might be very different from your guests.

Post # 7
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Unfortunately, I have the feeling that your friends are flaking out beings this isn’t the real deal.  If it’s not an actual wedding, it’s not seen as important to them.  I know you made a lot of effort to be there for them and travel to their weddings…but that’s just it.  You went to their wedding.  And you are asking them to come to only a reception that is a considerable amount of time after the wedding.  It’s almost like they are taking the attitude of, “Well, the actual wedding came and went…we weren’t invited…so, what’s the big deal?”  I definitely don’t think that’s right, it just seems like that may be what’s going on. 

I can sympathize with you kind of.  I chose to be married in a religious ceremony where only a very small group (I think maybe 10ish?) were able to attend.  Not even my husband’s family could attend (which they were 100% ok and understanding).  In my religion, this is pretty typical, so receptions are a really big deal beings not everyone can attend the wedding ceremony.  I wish people could give you the same courtesy that we were given…even though people weren’t able to attend the actual ceremony, they were still able to celebrate with us at the reception.  However, our reception was two days after our wedding, so the wedding excitement was still lingering around.

Post # 9
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

i would probably be less inclined.  especially if this is a really good friend, she should be going the extra mile, just as you did.  i would still be her friend, but i would be less likely to inconvienence myself for her.  i know its shitty of me to feel that way, but its honest.

Post # 10
Member
875 posts
Busy bee

I still think you need to think of this event as a reception that is not as important as the ceremony.  The reason wedding receptions are a big deal is the ceremony.  I know that there are some unusual situations that cause the celebration to be delayed or for the ceremony to be more private than the reception but it’s normally a case of small ceremony for religious reasons with a party the next day or a destination ceremony with a reception upon returning to home.  If the celebration is delayed significantly… the acceptable reasons would normally be the new spouse is in the army and has been shipped out or there was a significant family illness that caused the ceremony to be intimate…so that a VIP could be at the ceremony because they were not expected to survive until the originally planned celebration.  It sounds like you wanted the small event and the big party and don’t understand why your friends aren’t willing to plan to attend the party.  My guess is that they would have made arrangements to be at the ceremony, but may feel that they weren’t that important if you didn’t invite them to the event… even if it was small if the person is a very close friend they would have probably liked to attend… by not including them then… you communicated that they were not as important to you.  And if they did go to that event…then you need to consider that they already participated in a special day with you.  It doesn’t sound like your wedding and delayed celebration fits the normal reasons to delay a celebration… and while you may be viewing the party as a real wedding reception… most people are probably viewing it as you wanting a party…  They aren’t going to be excited that you tied the knot 10 months ago… I don’t mean to offend you, but you need to know that it doesn’t seem like you have a good reason to complain.  You had the wedding you wanted… small and intimate.  You may have only had a small dinner out that night, but that was your choice in how to celebrate.  A big party that is pretending to be a delayed wedding celebration seems a little like you want the big gifts, but you didn’t want them to be there from the beginning.  Even if you asked them to save the date… 10 months is significantly beyond reasonable for a delayed celebration unless you or your spouse was literally out of the country the entire time. 

Post # 13
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Okay, how I feel about this…

your reception is still a big deal. I don’t care if you got married in something private earlier. Its your reception where you are having friends and family still share on your special day. People do it all the time! So to me I would still be excited and hope that all my close friends and family came…or really tried to come.
Now if your friends or other people think its less of an event just because you and your man said I do with out them at a different time then I feel that is their issue. You want people there who want to be there for you, who are still excited and want to join you at your reception.

Remember what year it is…people do things in different ways all the time…we are still happy and excited for them no matter what order it comes in. Or at least I am 🙂

Post # 14
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If, as you say, it’s the marriage that really matters and not the wedding ceremony or party, then live that sentiment.  Send them a note that says that you are disappointed that they can’t make the ceremony, but you understand that sometimes things happen, and invite them to a brunch or other meal instead with you and your husband.

I really echo the other sentiments.  I can almost hear the other side being posted on this forum: “I thought I was close friends with someone and even had them in my wedding party, but then they didn’t invite me to their wedding.  Now she is making a huge deal out of a party a year later.  I’ve got something else important going on that’s hard to get out of [insert comment about work, personal issues, illness etc.]  I’m still hurt I wasn’t invited to the wedding.  If it were a wedding, I would cancel my other plans but not for just a party.  Oh, by the way, do I need to send a gift if I wasn’t actually invited to the wedding?”

Yes, most of your friends may have been willing to accept your version of the wedding, but that doesn’t mean everyone does.  Also, just because you told them a year in advance that this was the plan, doesn’t mean that they might not still be hurt and offended.  Of course, telling you this doesn’t make you feel better about what happened on their end so I see this friendship dying a natural death soon.  Rather like when friends invited my then boyfriend to their wedding with me named only as “and guest” even though I had known them separately as friends well before I had even met my boyfriend (with whom I had been living together for over 2 years at that point).

Oh, and I had a friend pull off a large wedding in under 4 months.  You would have never known it was such short timing.  She had some great stories too, like when she asked one shop how long it would take to get a the wedding dress if she ordered from there, and it was too lengthy for her.  With a bit of tunnel vision, the saleswoman said, “you’ll just have to change the date of your wedding!” 

Post # 16
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@lrr1980: Awesome!  Glad it worked out for you.  Sometimes the hardest thing is just having that honest conversation and getting it all out there.

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