(Closed) Former "Waiting" bees… did the "Shut it" pact work??

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

I know for me it was hard. My FI and I always tell each other everything. So, when we went looking for rings and my best friend let it slip that he had messaged her about how long manicures last I knew I was about to go overboard. I spent the first week obsessed, asking questions, bugging him about everything. I didn’t realize how stressed out it was making him because there were time errors being fixed in the meantime.

The next couple of weeks I posted on WeddingBee religiously and confided in one of my friends. WeddingBee really helped me get all of my frustrations out. The Shut-It Pact was especially helpful. It was great hearing how other bees spent their time, what color their nails were, what their plans were when it finally happened… I still love the Waiting Boards because now I’m just “waiting” for my wedding.

I’m still having a hard time Shutting It Up, but I know that I value my relationship with my man more than having a ring, or the right cake, or the best venue. It took a while, but just enjoying being in his arms is really what matters. If you focus on that, then you will never obsess over anything but him. Because in the end, nothing matters. If you’re married or if you’re just waiting, you’re still with the man of your dreams. You’ve found the One. You’re lightyears ahead of a lot of other women.

Go out and be adventurous. Take this time to learn how to flirt with your man again. Realize that he is stressing more than you are. It is your job to make sure he stays happy, stays relaxed, and stays loved.

 

I’ll be happy to answer specific questions if anyone has any.

πŸ™‚

Post # 5
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

EDIT: Holy Crap this turned into a novel! Sorry it’s so long :/

 

Former waiting bee here! I’ll share my waiting journey for those of you who don’t know it.

Me and FI had been talking about marriage for a few months. We lived together, loved eachother it felt like the “right” time. So he flew off to see his mom and sister and bought my e-ring with their help.

Then the waiting started. He held onto that ring for Over a year .

He had the ring. I knew he did. he knew he did. The world new he did. Christmas came, birthdays, holidays. Nothing. It frustred me. I felt like I wasn’t worth the commitment. If I was so perfect for him-if he wanted me as much as I wanted him why was this so hard?

That quote from ‘When Harry Met Sally’ plagued me

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as quickly as possible

Wasn’t that true?

I went though many of the phases that waiting bees go through. Everything was a sign. I was dropping suble hints-talking about it. When other people got engaged  I was a wreak. I was sick of hearing “What do you want for “Random Holiday” ?” WHat do you think I want?

The resentment started after the year mark passed. He got me a shirt for our aniversery. To make up for the lack of romance in that gift he said he was getting me aanother suprise. I’ll take what happened from my post about that found here:

Well, he wanted to make it up to me, and talked about suprising me sometime this month with a new present, which I just got today. He talked it up, and I waited….and waited….and waited…and I broke down and asked for a hint. Here are the hints he gave me:

 

  • It’s something I know you have wanted

 

  • I’ve planned this out for a long time

 

  • It’s not something you can buy in a store

 

  • It’s something that everyone has seen, but you

 

Well what do you think I thought it was? My mom was SURE that this was it. Hell, so was I.

So he gives me a card first that he handmade that says lots of lovely things about our relationship, and that he can’t believe how long it’s been and how he can’t wait to see what happiness the rest of our lives bring

It’s a canvas picture of us to hang on the wall. It’s not even of a picture of us that I like. I actually hate that picture of us. And now I have to look at it everyday and pretend I like it.

 

I never told the bees this, but I hated that picture becasue I feel like I look HUGE in it. My first bee post (here), when I was about 5 months into “waiting” was about our failed family pictures. I felt I looked like a whale:

 

Well, what does my knight in shining armor do? Well he tells me he photoshopped the photo (He’s a Graphic Designer) so “I can’t say that I look fat in it anymore”.

I swear the only thing that kept me from killing him was an episode of CSI.

 

So, I decided I was going to “Shut Up”.  I needed a break. A break form the crazy. I needed to control what I could control. I stared doing things for me again, things that made me happy. I wasn’t trying to be the perfect girlfirend anymore, hoping that it would help him decide that it was the right time.

I want back to my own hobby, If I didn’t feel like playing video games with him-I didn’t. I started working out and started to focus on things like my skincare, and getting out of being what I call Skinny!Fat.

And before I knew it-I was OK again. It helped center me. I think with waiting it starts out as fun and it starts to get hard when you feel like you need to ‘prove’ something to him, or if you were only that much more perfect maybe he would love you enough to suprise you with an elaborite proposal.

That’s when you need a break.

Mr. Bee’s plan helped me get back to me again. And I forgot that I was waiting at all. I felt like I blinked and he proposed.

 

He was going though a lot of emotions too. Talking to him about it now, he said that it took him a long time to overcome the fear that he was going to let me down. I know I said I didn’t want/need anything extravagent as far as rings and a proposal went-but watching me “wait”– there was all that build up. He saw me dreaming, how I would look when I talked about it. How I looked longingly when others got engaged and told their story. He felt like every time he tried he was going to let me down.

He said he had tried so many times, but it never felt right. After I started my Shut UP pact and Mr Bee’s plan, he noticed. It took the pressure off and he knew that even if he did it in McDonnalds-I would be happy.

 

And it turned out pretty Darn Magical: under the stars on a steam train in Yosemite. It gets better. And It’s worth it. And don’t think for a second that he’s not planning.

FWIW, your man can ALWAYS suprise you. I saw my Le Vian ring 2 years ago when we were FIRST Starting to talk about marriage. He saw how I looked at it and, according to him and unknown to me, “Vowed to buy it for me, no matter what”

He scoured the pawn shops his family worked at until he found it. After the shirt, and the canvas print-I never would have guessed.

 

 

Post # 6
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MissFireFlower:  That ring is gorgeous!

OP, I have a thread on this! Hang on while I find it!

Post # 8
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@mimi123:  I feel like such a wierdo, but i referr to it as “her”. She even has a special ring box from things remembered where she lives. I evicted all my other rings form there. FI is starting to call me Smeegal

Post # 9
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

No, but it made me “shut up” for 8 days! I just saw the ring at the store and got FI to go there to buy it for me, it was on 70% off then another 20% off couldn’t pass that up!! LOL

Post # 10
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

No it didnt help. I would keep quiet for weeks and then freak out over something simple. I eventually said that not having a plan to move forward was killing me because we had been together a long time and i needed a committment. 

He proposed and i was terrified he did it because i had freaked out. His response was that if he didnt want to marry me he would have let me leave, and i made him realize it was time for us to move forward. 

Post # 12
Member
9234 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Once I was pretty sure he was planning on it at some point in the next few months, I shut it except for a small playful hint or comment maybe once every few weeks.  For me, the idea of him proposing because he felt forced into it was way, way worse than continuing our great as-is relationship.  I also stayed away from any wedding blog because I didn’t want to think about it and get antsy.  I was totally happily surprised when it happened and so glad it had nothing to do with me harassing him.  He was also so proud and excited for surprising me, and I would have hated to badger him and take that away from him.  It’s really better for everyone so good luck shutting it! πŸ˜‰

Post # 13
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Waitingtoexhale:  I came to the Bee when I was upset and anxious with waiting. Basically I was waiting, then I exploded, and then I shut it. And then I got engaged 2 weeks later. Since then my FI actually moved the wedding date UP. 

So I don’t regret the exploding. Things happen, and you’re only human and can get frustrated sometimes. After I exploded I felt much better. Sometimes it is so liberating to express your feelings and not care about the consequences. But after that I was honestly able to shut it. But I do think it is useful to set a deadline for yourself and not wait f for anyone. Time is fleeting! 

 

Post # 14
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

Well, basically my first post on the bee was absolutely horrible because I was at my witt’s end. It wasn’t a matter of knowing IF my fi wanted to marry me, it was a matter of when. And you know how it is when you decide you want to marry the man of your dreams…….EVERYONE around you gets engaged!!! So it hit me pretty nasty. After months of fighting (yes, I am VERY ashamed to admit that) over engagemen (or lackthereof), he told me he couldn’t take anymore madness and he would leave if things continued on that way.

So it hit me……..leave.him.alone.

It was HARD at first. I mean, crying in my car b/c I am a blunt person who wanted nothing more than an ANSWER (that I already knew) and a sooner date than maybe he was ready for. I called my mother and just……left him alone. By leaving him alone I mean going out, having fun (even though I was an emotional wreck), reconnecting with myself, and just “doing me”.

He noticed IMMEDIATELY!!! I mean….not even a week later he was all over me with all this talk and one day he said for me to prepare myself to change my name “soon”. 

??….. So I wrote a post about it.

Make a long story short, he proposed (?) in his own way. LOL. He even let me know that he can’t afford my ring now, but he will have it by March and that he wanted to get this show on the road. he said he loved getting to know me all over again….and to be honest…..so did I.

It is worth it. Every situation is different but shutting my face definitely helped speed things along much faster than I even thought was possible.

Good luck! πŸ™‚

Post # 15
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

With my ex, I pushed him for a while.  I really thought that we were on the track to get married.  Before we went LDR, we worked through one of those “questions to ask before you get engaged” books and I really felt we were on the same page.  He got really drunk at one of his friends’ weddings and said that he wanted to get engaged before I moved.

Well, I moved.  No engagement.  We went on several major trips (to the UK, to Hawaii) together.  No engagement.  I was getting so frustrated!

It finally became “Well, we’ll get engaged when you move back here.”  Uh, hello!  I already moved once because you encouraged me to find a new job opportunity and take it, no way I’m upheaving my life again unless there’s a ring on my finger.

Our relationship stalled at about that point.  I quit talking about getting engaged with him.  Somewhere in there it clicked for me that he was never going to overcome his major committment issues with me, that he didn’t really want to be with me.  I started working out at the gym again (lost 5-7 lbs in about 6 weeks), started buying new clothes and shoes for myself.  I started feeling *really* good about myself and where I was in life (even though I didn’t, and still don’t, like the city I live in).

There were a couple weeks where I really just left him alone.  I didn’t try to e-mail, call, text, video chat, anything.  Just to see if he was going to seek me out.  He never tried to talk to me, and we went over a week without any meaningful communication.  Finally I was like, “You know what?  I deserve better than this.  I get more positive attention from people who barely know me than I do from the person who I’d like to spend the rest of my life with.  This is messed up.”  So I called him one weekend when he was on a road trip with his guy friends (this is the weekend after he flaked on coming out to see me and promised he would call but never did) and said, “I need a break.”  I really wanted to say, “I want to break up” but our conversation never went there.  We decided to video chat when he got back from his trip to talk about things.

During our video chat, he had the gall to say, “We would have gotten married if you hadn’t moved away,” which I call B.S. on.

My birthday was a couple weeks after we broke up, and during the week of my birthday the city I live in experienced a minor natural disaster.  He never called to check on me, see if I was OK, anything like that.  So now I know how he really felt.

A few weeks later I started seeing my soon-to-be-fiance, and our relationship is AMAZING.  I’ve never felt more comfortable or happy to be with someone.  We have such a strong relationship and I don’t feel anxious about if or when he will ask me to marry him.  He’s already given me a tentative timeline and has hinted that he’s tired of waiting to call me his fiance or wife.  We have a ring design in mind and I know that he will start the custom ring design process soon.  I feel like we’re on even footing and I’m not fighting to get an ounce of recognition that my needs and desires are valid.

So yes, the “shut it” strategy worked, but not exactly how I thought it would.

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