Found an email I shouldn't have. What would you do?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would tell him the truth. That you came across it by accident, deleted it by accident, tried to restore it and were just curious so you clicked in to read it. You weren’t intentionally snooping in his email because you were suspicious of him or anything, you just happened to come across it. I would approach him calmly and tell him you aren’t mad about it, but just a little concerned. From there you can go into why you’re a little worried about him keeping it a secret since you’re both open to that type of situation.

Post # 4
1681 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@anonymousandy:  I would tell him the truth. You weren’t intentionally snooping. I feel as though this is the type of situation where if he gets angry, it’s obviously because he was in the wrong. Maybe if you can’t bring it up in conversation, you can write him a letter?

Post # 5
3256 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

That doesn’t sound good. 🙁 I’m so sorry. I would definitely confront him about it. There’s no knowing if that was an isolated incident or not. And I would need to know if he used protection in order to get myself tested. Best of luck. 

Post # 6
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@anonymousandy:  honestly, i would tell him exactly what you just told us.

Post # 7
1905 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I don’t think not being a “prude” means you have to be okay with sharing your man. I don’t think you should ever have to share your man sexually, ever. 

I would be very alarmed and upset over this situation. 

Post # 8
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I would discuss it with him! You were not intentionally snooping and what you found has raised some unsettling questions. Honesty is the best policy! Open communication is going to help you two settle this situation. You now know this happened when you two were already together and you would like him to clarify what went on and why–even if it was something that you would have let go on in between your relationship.

If he wants/wanted to do these hook-ups he needs to NOT lie to you and not put you or himself at risk for STDS. Let him know your feelings and wants and hopefully that will keep an open line of communication between you two.

Good luck!

Post # 9
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@anonymousandy:  I agree with other pp’s – Say “remember when you ck’d your email on my device?….Well I deleted a sports email and when I realized I was logged in as you, I tried to retrieve it. I would like you to explain what I found.

Unless you are allowed to go outside your relationship, do not be scared about questioning his fidelity. It is not ok and you deserve some answers. If he truly is a good guy he will provide those answers.

Post # 11
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You’re going to have to own up to snooping- there’s no way an email from 2012 would be at the top of his trash. You were looking for something.


Now you have to decide- is this a deal breaker for you or not? Either way, I think you have to tell him you saw it or it’ll rip you up forever!

Post # 12
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Looks aren’t apart of this at all.  He’s into things you’re not and he found someone who is.  I would confront him wih all the info you told us about.   

Post # 13
6700 posts
Bee Keeper

I wonder if FI justified  his behavior because of your previous discussions regarding an interest in these things or figured that he could always pull the wool over your eyes by saying  he was just looking into it.  However, if you really believe that based on those emails, I have a bridge to sell you. 

 I would not hestitate to tell him exactly what you learned and how.  What’s the alternative, stick your head in the sand and marry a person who has zero respect for you?  Someone who really loved you would never deceive or hurt you in this way. I  can’t relate to the idea of an  open relationship, but make no mistake, this was a major betrayal, regardless.   It would be a deal breaker for me. 

It may be an uncomfortable conversation to have, but not having it should not be an option. 

Post # 14
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014


So you snooped, and that was a fuckup. But he, at a minimum, pursued sex outside the relationship and lied about it, and that is also a fuckup. You have to talk to him about this, and you’re going to have to strike a balance between admitting that you fucked up, and not letting him bowl you over with the fact that you shouldn’t have been snooping in the first place. Chronic snooping is deadly to a relationship (whether anything is found or not), but if you snoop a little or you accidentally discover evidence of dishonesty… the means of discovery don’t justify the original dishonesty, you know? It’s quite likely that he’ll try to turn this around as “you shouldn’t have been looking” to distract from the painful and difficulty issue of admitting he did something wrong and hurtful, and you have to stand strong against that. You guys can discuss the issue of you snooping (which it sounds like it was a one-time, highly circumstantial incident) AND the issue of him lying and possibly cheating (might also be one-time, highly circumstantial!). 

It just sounds like you’re feeling super guilty about the reading his email, which, whatever. It’s not great but I’m a subscriber to Dan Savage’s “snooping which uncovers infidelity is semi-justified retroactively” school of thought. Otherwise the only people who would ever have grounds for offense at infidelity would be those unlucky few who have the other woman come up to them during a date and throw a loud hissy fit in the middle of the restaurant when she realizes he has an actual girlfriend (yeah, that happened!).

Good luck, hon. This is going to be a tough conversation, but the only way forward is through it.


Post # 15
2133 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@bkrocks13:  I don’t really think that the date of the e-mail means that she was intentionally snooping. I just checked my e-mail account (that I’ve had for MANY years) and I have nothing in my trash bin, because I don’t delete things. I don’t think it’s unlikely that this was one of the only messages he’s deleted while having his e-mail account and he deleted it because it was incriminating.

OP, just confront him. It really doesn’t matter how you found it and you don’t need to justify why it upsets you or make excuses for him. You two need to talk it out and figure out if it’s something you can move past. I am sorry you’re in this situation! Good luck!

Post # 16
173 posts
Blushing bee

@bkrocks13:  This.

Gmail automatically deletes any trash older than 30 days.

If you are going to talk to your FI about this as two mature adults who love each other, you NEED to be honest with him. He may have broken your trust by contacting another woman for sex, but that doesn’t make it OK if you violated his privacy and went snooping in his private email and dug something up from 2 years ago. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

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