Post # 1
I’m going anon for this one bees.
Let me first say that I do trust my DH, but I do have trust issues from being in an abusive relationship for 8 yrs previous to DH. So when little things happen, it triggers my insecurities. DH also has trust issues from being in a horrible relationship as well, so I know he does certain things because of it.
The only thing that has ever come up that bothers me so much is his phone. He uses my phone all the time which I don’t care, I have nothing to hide. I even leave it to him sometimes because my Internet is faster, he has an old phone. But when it comes down to me using his phone, he’s so secretive. He says because his ex use to go through his phone and get all his friends numbers and use that against him. So he’s just paranoid about his phone already.
Time goes by and I don’t think twice about his phone anymore. Until today. I went online to access our phone bill and I was not thinking about it at the time, but then I saw call /txt history. I contemplated about seeing it or not. Our phones are under my account and keep in mind that we have had a joint account for over a year and never once did I think about going through the call logs. It just triggered today because I was on my online account.
So I did look up the call/txt log. Ugh! I am ashamed and hate that I couldn’t just log off, but then I saw a number that’s on there as much as mine. I don’t know this number and it is a female that I don’t know. There’s times when he’s texting me and her at the same time. There’s picture messages being sent from both parties and text messages going on almost all day. Even when he’s at work. My heart sank and I immediately felt sick to my stomach.
I’m trying not to jump to conclusions but he doesn’t have any female friends, besides our mutual couple friends and there’s just too many messages and calls in between them to be a family member. A lot of times there’s messages in between our conversations.
My dilemma besides the obvious is, do I confront him and ask him about this phone number but risk this being the ending of our marriage because obviously the trust has been broken on both ends. Or do I just let it go and trust him that it’s nothing and maybe just a family member?
I know it’s a horrible thing I did but the curiosity got the best of me. But what if this is something serious? I have the right to know, but then I just ruined our marriage if its not and broke our trust. I’m so confused and don’t think I can hold this in.
This topic was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by anonbee130.
Post # 2
anonbee130: Is it possible that this is a coworker and is work related?
If he’s texting her at all the times he’s texting you I assume that’s while you’re both at work (as opposed to together at home). We have a large facility and sometimes text each other or send pictures with work related stuff.
ETA: If all you have to go on is this number then no, I would not confront him. If you have other reasons to believe he is being deceitful than it depends.
Post # 3
anonbee130: im nosey so i would call the number and try to find out who she is
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
anonbee130: If this kind of thing (secret phone intreractions) is a trigger for you, he’d be an absolute ass to end the marriage becayse you brought it up.
Just be 100% honest with him. Tell him you were looking at the phone bill online, saw the call log tab, and clicked on it just out of curiosity, but you found something that has made you nervous. Tell him you saw that he calls and texts (name) a lot, and you’d like to know who she is.
The just sit back an let him explain. Don’t interrupt him, and give him the benefit of the doubt. Once you’ve heard everything he has to say, you can draw your conclusions from there (and ask to see the messages, if necessary).
Post # 5
Wow … how do you know its a female you don’t know that he’s texting? At first glance it does seem very concerning and sound like an emotional affair … And his secretiveness about his phone and excuse about ex looking at his numbers is not a very good excuse for being secretive about his phone. You’re married. Shouldn’t you already have the numbers of a lot of his friends?
Post # 6
playdohpants: He just started a new job and this phone number goes back from months ago to present day.
Post # 7
Also is there a specific start time? Did they suddenly start messaging each other last month? Or has it been a while? How do you know it’s a female? It could be business related
Post # 8
If there was no mistrust in your action (I admit, sometimes I do things out of pure curiosity) then I would just ask. If he has nothing to hide, he should just answer. “Oh, it’s so and so, you met her at blah blah blah.” If you don’t go in guns blazing and only go in because of genuine curiosity and slight concern (and yes, I think that is a reason to be slightly concerned) then it should be fine.
Of course, this all depends on the dynamics of your relationship. This would work in mine, but maybe not in yours, especially considering his apparent past of people going through his phone. If that’s actually the reason.
Post # 9
anonbee130: Oh I see. Probably not a coworker then.
If he JUST got a job could it be a recruiter? I had a lot of contact with my recruiter before landing my job and a little after until I settled in. Not all day every day though.
Is the number local?
Post # 10
anonbee130: Maybe I’m just confussed but how do you know that the number is for a female? Can you see the actual texts or just the log?
As PP said it may be a coworker. It could be completely innocent, but I don’t think you are out of line bringing it up to him. Don’t accuse him, just say you noticed something on the phone bill and was wondering what it was.
Post # 11
Scarlett11: the call logs have date, time, how long the conversation is and incoming/outgoing calls. So you know who’s texting or calling who. And I called, a female asnswered.
Post # 12
I would most definitely ask him who this is and why he is messaging them so often. It seems like you have a gut instinct something is wrong so put it to rest
Post # 13
playdohpants: There’s messages and calls from early morning and night. And one time a message was sent at 2am. That’s the one that concerns me. And also The picture messages. What pictures are being sent?
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2015 - Plantation Gardens, Kauai HI
anonbee130: First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! This sort of stress, especially with previous relationship scars, can be so hurtful and stressful. We, of course, don’t know your relationship, so these are just my 2cents. If this were me, I am a believer in 100% honesty, no matter the situation – nothing else can develop true trust in a relationship (especially between two people with a scarred past). So I would bring it to him. I agree with the previous bee’s posts that you should go in with an open mind, and just be honest about your insecurities and that this was an unintentional find, but did trigger some red flags in your mind. But harboring this can only make it worse. If you can let it go in your mind and believe that it’s nothing, then do it! But if you can’t, then defintely talk to him about it. This could truly be anything! But in the end, go with your gut. If you trust your man, then trust him with your whole heart. But if you’re unsure, then decide where to go from there. If you have the relationship that allows this, definitely approach him in a non-judgemental, non-threatening manner, from a truly loving place. And give him the opportunity to explain himself. I hope everything works out!! ::hugs::
Post # 15
Yeah, was wondering if you called the number or how you knew it was a female. I take it you didn’t tell her why you were calling and ask how she knew your husband 🙂 I think you should definately confront your husband about this. I mean, he’s texting/calling non stop some woman you don’t know. And by confront I mean try to ask calmly, just be honest and explain you were just paying the bill and looking through the features and saw call log and wouldn’t have thought anything of it except this one number was on there so much.
There could be an honest explantion but with this information I think it would be a mistake to just sit back and trust that there is nothing going on here.