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I am sorry this posted to the wrong place. How do I move it?
I would tell him that you know, and if he isn't honest with her himself, you will tell her. Give him a deadline, and if he doesn't come clean, tell her. BUT (and this is a huge but) be prepared for her to not believe you, for him to lie and deny it, etc.
If you can't deal with that, then maybe you should keep quiet, if you can. Its a tough situation for nayone to be in
I am typically a proponent of "never get in anyone else's business", but if it were my best friend, I would at least pointedly suggest that she talk to her husband about what's going on so she'd have a clue that something was up. I'd also discuss it with my husband first to make sure he wasn't upset about me breaking his and his best man's trust.
I don't think talking to BM will help anything, people in that situation never listen to outside reason ;)
ETA: Agree with the PP that if you were talking to him to tell him that if he doesn't come clean you'll do it for him, that would be reasonable. I just don't think trying to talk him out of it will work.
my first instinct would be to tell my friend. My allegiance is to her. I would be sick to think that all of this is going on without her knowledge.
If the tables were turned I would absolutely want her to tell me.
Before you do anything, talk to your husband and make sure you are on the same page regarding action. It may be that he told you this in confidence and doesn't want you to do anything.
What a messed-up situation. I doubt trying to talk with BM will make any difference. Try to keep it simple. He is a married man having an affair. He's married to your best friend. I'd tell my best friend if her husband were having an affair. Either way, she'll need someone she can trust during this. Let him and TW have their drama, hope for the son's sake that BM can be a positive mentor, and help your friend move on with her life.
I usually tell people to stay out of this, but if I knew that my BFF's husband was screwing around behind her back and was going to leave her, you're darn right I would tell her. I certainly wouldn't go to him first...b/c then he's going to go to your BFF and tell her that you know, and that can be all sorts of bad.
Talk to your DH first and make sure he's ok with you telling your BFF about this. If he's not, then I would have to say stay completely out of it. If he's ok with you telling her, let her know as soon as you can.
Oh DH is fine with what ever I do. He is sick about it too. He just moved here from England and we picked this man to be his BM becuase he was a good friend and British also. This couple has been through what we are about to go through with immigration and we like haning out with them. We thought he was a good man. My DH is very upset too and wants to what ever he can to be there for BF. He knows how much she means to me.
I was thinking if I talked to him I would tell him if he didn't come clean I would tell her, and give him a time line. I think he is waiting for this project to be over too.
I want to tell her becuase if it was me I would want to know, and I would be so upset if I knew she knew.
This is a tough one but I think ultimately I'd stay out of it. I would think that unless your BF is somehow numb to these things, your BF has some idea something isn't right in her marriage and has some idea of the kind of person TW is, being witness to her shenanigans at your wedding, etc.
The problem isn't so much with TW...she's just a catalyst helping the problem along.
There is a preexisting problem causing BM to care more about someone else's life than his and his wife and his marriage.
It is this preexisting problem that needs to be addressed, whatever it is, in its own time, between BM and BF. When we step into situations like this, the idea is that we think we are somehow saving the day, helping someone to realize something sooner. But we do not see that in fact we are interfering with what someone needs and when they need it. It is their path to walk, and wherever it leads, even to initial heartache if they do indeed break their marriage, it is what needs to happen to teach each of them something bigger than any of you.
It almost seems as though BM told DH because he knew DH would tell you, and then you both could do the dirty work for him telling your BF. It is his burden to bear, his lesson to learn, and his problem to confront.
I understand that you feel as if you are somehow lying to your friend by not saying anything about this to her. However, it may help you to take a step back and realize that, in fact, you do not actually have any firsthand knowledge of anything. You are in possession only of heresay information brought to you by your DH, after he had been drinking, based on what his assessment is of what his BM told him, after HE had been drinking.
From all accounts, it does not sound as if BM has actually admitted to anything having happened with TW, and BF already knows that BM spends time with TW without BF being present.
It is very possible that BM was speaking out of his emotions and fantasies and not out of his decision-making process when he told your DH that he is planning to leave BF for TW. This may not ever transpire.
As hard as it will be for you to have to "sit on" this information, at least until something ELSE transpires that would provide you with firsthand knowledge of something concrete, I don't think you can take any action whatsoever other than to share your distress with DH and allow DH to be the one to have further converstation with BM.
I am SO sorry you are stuck with this information, and it must be terribly difficult to continue as "normal" with all of these individuals. However, I would just take one day at a time and be there for your BF if and when anything concrete transpires.
I'd tell her so she can decide to leave him instead of being left... and make plans, such as getting an attorney and securing her bank account/finances. She doesn't need to continue having him make decisions which alter her life. Let her have control over what happens next. It isn't only about emotions.
to the Bees who are suggesting staying out of it. .
if this was your best friend posting, would you want her to tell you?
(not trying to hijack the thread lol)
First, sit down and talk to your DH in detail about it. Ask him to recount the conversation ask his opinion of it and ask if he's okay with you reaching out to BF. If he is, then you've got to say something to BF. I would emphasize to her that you don't like being the messenger and aren't judging the situation, but as a friend you have to tell her what you heard. Encourage her to do some investigating before confronting her DH so she can find out for herself if it's true or not, offer to help her.
Be prepared for her to run straight to her DH, blab everything you said word for word then believe him when he denies it all and calls you a liar. This is unfortunately the most likely scenario, which is why I would normally say don't get involved, but if she's your best friend you have a duty to tell her something so horrible.
I would tell my BF. I felt utterly betrayed by the "friends" who knew of my ex-H's infidelities and didn't tell me, not to mention humiliated. Also, I'm not so sure BF would necessarily know something was up even before you tell her. I was blindsided by what was going on under my nose.
Just offering my perspective based on my experience with infidelity. YMMV.
@GroovyHippieChick: Great question, but I really wouldn't want her to tell me. Of course, a part of me would be curious to know an outside perspective, but an outside perspective is just that, no matter how many "facts" may seem to be present. I would only have the responsibility of the welfare of my marriage dependent upon myself and my husband. I would hold myself accountable and him accountable for the state of the marriage, and I would respect everyone else, no matter how seemingly close, staying out if it.
OP - I think you answered your own question perfectly:
I want to tell her becuase if it was me I would want to know, and I would be so upset if I knew she knew.
I totally agree with this.
I agree with other posters: I usually would say stay out of it, but, if this is your best friend, I think you need to tell her. I can't imagine how hurt I would be if my best friend knew something like this and kept it from me. That would make being left even worse!
@GroovyHippieChick: Yes, and here is a major reason why:
"BM explained to my DH that there is nothing going on with TW, but then again nothing is with BF. He says he feels a strong bond with TW and her son and feels he can help him as a mentor and has been working with him to get him back into school. BM just said things are just about done with BF and will be with TW."
I'm not sure what she would say. Based on the OP's post, her DH's BM has not admitted to having been unfaithful, only that things seem to be over with his wife and that he plans to be with the other woman once his marriage is over. I'm not denying that he already has a clearly inappropriate relationship with a woman who is not his wife. However, the wife already KNOWS about this. She knows that her husband spends time with this woman when she, his wife, is not present. However, what none of us -- including the OP and her DH -- knows is if BM has actually been physically unfaithful to his wife and if he will actually end his marriage to pursue this other woman. All we know is that, after he and the OP's DH had been drinking, he allegedly told the OP's DH that this was his plan. No one knows if BM will actually act on his feelings and leave his wife or if he will continue to remain in his marriage.
@Brielle: All we know is that, after he and the OP's DH had been drinking, he allegedly told the OP's DH that this was his plan. No one knows if BM will actually act on his feelings and leave his wife or if he will continue to remain in his marriage
excellent point - but if my husband was going around saying anything close to this, I would still want to know.
You need to leave this alone or you're going to risk losing a friend. If you tell her she will resent you for the rest of her life. Her first priority is NOT her friendship with you, but her marriage. The same way that your loyalties lie with your husband first, who was most likely told this in all confidence (and in a drunken stupor no less).
While your woman side makes you want to dish the gossip, you should stay out of it. Move AWAY from the DRAMA! Keep life simple. This is NOT your problem.
@ViaMinorViator: I agree. My first inclination is to butt out. I think your loyalty is to your husband and he told you something in confidence. On the other hand if you and hunband both agree that she needs to know I think he should be the one talking to your friend. Realistically though if she finds out from you or your husband your friendship is almost for sure over solely becasue she'll resent you for telling her yadda yadda.
I would want to know. If I found out my BFF knew without telling me, I would be utterly hurt and feel even more decieved.
I'd convince my hubsand first that it's the right thing to tell her and then spill. Poor thing, she deserves to know!
Ugh, you all make really good, valid points. I have been cheated on and people knew and no one told me. That really hurt. But then I thinknk about what I would have done if some one had told me. But some of you also make the point he did not actually say he was leaving her only hat they were pretty much over. Maybe something will happen and make it not happen. It is going to be very hard to be around any of them. I am supposed to go to an event and TW will be there. I still am so angry with her about her drama queen ways at my wedding and how she acted. I have a very hard time being nice to people I don't like. I suck at being fake.
I still really don't know what to do. I know what I want to do, but I don't always do what is best. I have a tendancy to be implusive and not think things through. That is why I came here. I am trying to get better with that problem of mine.
Yikes, this is sticky! Men suck sometimes! Follow your heart...
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Hi bee’s. I really need some advice. My DH went out with his best man the other night I will call him BM. BM is married to a woman who I would call my best friend. She has been there for me and is one of the sweetest women I have ever met, I will call her BF. I talked to DH throughout the night and he was having a good time. He called suddenly asking me to come get him and he sounded weird. We got home and he just let it all out. It appears BM is leaving BF for this woman (I will call the TW for The whore she is)we all know. BM hangs out with her about once or twice a week in the bars and sometimes stays at her house. BM has always jus claimed they have been friends, everyone else has always wondered about their relationship. BF has always said she can’t tell BM who he can hang out with and trusts them both. This woman is nothing but a train wreck. She is a drama queen and dates these horrid men then acts like a surprised victim when they screw her over. It is always poor, pitiful me with this woman. She has a 17 year old son that is usually drunk or high or both, she allows this in her home and is surprised he is a bad kid. She has never been worried about him, just her next man. She has even told me about the nights she gets him good and wasted to have sex (even a threesome) with his friends.
TW was my work out buddy and has talked poorly about BF at time before I got to know her. I know she strongly dislikes her and now I know why, she wants her husband and is jealous of her. BM explained to my DH that there is nothing going on with TW, but then again nothing is with BF. He says he feels a strong bond with TW and her son and feels he can help him as a mentor and has been working with him to get him back into school. BM just said things are just about done with BF and will be with TW.
I already have many issues with TW, she caused major drama at my wedding and after, she said I didn’t pay enough attention to her and we didn’t do enough for her birthday the day before. Sorry, I was a bit busy.
I don’t know what to do. Do I go to BM and try to talk to him and tell him the truth about TW. I don’t think him telling her his marital problems to her was a good idea. I know she was never objective and said horrible things about her, stirring the pot. I need to make sure DH who was a really tipsy told me the whole thing straight or do I go straight to BF? I will have to wait to tell her anything. She is in the middle of a huge work project and I can’t do this to her till it is over. I feel like I am lying to her by not telling what is gooing on. I have not been able to sleep and when I talk to her I just want to cry for her. She has no clue what is going on behind her back. The other hand I want to go after TW and beat her but I am not much of a scrapper and she is the queen of a bar fight. What would you do?? Help?
Sorry so long.