Found out my aunt didn't come to our wedding because she was having an affair

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4805 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Derp:  Aw, that’s a big bummer to discover something bad about someone you care about. I have a friend going through the same thing. I hate to see him hurt. I’d stay away for a while, too. Your uncle may have known for a while and really it’s between them now.

For ex: I gave my friend all sorts of advice (when he asked) and he hasn’t followed any of it. I tell him to get a lawyer so she doesn’t steam roll him and he doesn’t want to “make waves”. Um, hello, she started the waves by having the affair.

You are trying to process it all at this moment, but your uncle may have known for a while and that’s why he looks as if nothing has happened. He may be over the shock. I hope he can divorce her and move on. I believe no one should live together unhappily and he deserves better. Laws vary from state to state and maybe she wouldn’t get half. And even if she did, it’s better than living with someone who can do that to you.

Post # 3
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I would stay out of it as much as possible. Its really no one else’s business even if he opens up to you all. Allow them the opportunity to vent or talk if needed but don’t pry. It’s not your place. He is a fully grown man who is more than capable of making his own decisions. If he chooses to accept this behavior than thats his issue. I feel for you all, I really do. Affairs are always difficult to get passed and especially when family starts getting involved. Don’t take sides without knowing the whole story (and you probably never will). Just be supportive for your uncle. He needs that more than anything. Just keep your distance for a bit until everyone decides how exactly they feel about it all.

Post # 4
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m really sorry about this 🙁 I know how hurtful it must be to know that she is hurting someone you care deeply about. As for how to act, I’d let your uncle take the lead; if he is acting like nothing is out of the ordinary, you should too. If you are unable to, then maybe steering clear and keeping your distance would be best. 

Post # 5
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Derp:  First, I’m really sorry. For you, your family, and (especially) your Uncle. This sort of situation really really sucks. 🙁

From now on, just follow your Uncle’s lead. Don’t gossip about it with other family members and don’t question him about it. If he wants to stay in the marriage and ignore what is going on, then that is his business and no one else’s. It is entirely possible that your Uncle has known what is going on for a while or had some suspicions. It’s also possible that he was extremely shocked and just blabbed it out in the moment without thinking. At the end of the day, you just need to try and be supportive of him.

If you aren’t able to do so then I would suggest limiting your time with them. Continue to support your Uncle from a distance however you can because that is what he needs most at the moment.

Post # 7
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Derp:  If your mom or anyone else brings up the topic just tell them you aren’t comfortable talking about it. If they ask why simply state that you respect your Uncle’s right to privacy and that he has the right to live his life as he sees fit. If they continue pestering you about it, then simply tell them you are leaving/hanging up and won’t be discussing the matter further.

I don’t think there is much else you can do. Your Uncle probably knows the family dynamics well enough to know that his Mom will gossip about stuff with his sisters. I wouldn’t worry about it too much, but if it does come out into the open simply stick to your line of “It is none of our business” and stay out of it. I bet your Uncle will appreciate it.

Post # 8
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Two sides to every story.  Money can’t buy or provide happiness – maybe she is in a loveless marriage and finally the money wasn’t doing it for her.  No one, not even close family members, know what occurs behind closed home doors.

Post # 9
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Derp:  That sucks. 

My first piece of advise is STAY OUT OF IT. Where ever the chips may fall, you don’t want to be caught in the middle of their drama. They are adults, whether or not your uncle is losing it. It’s their marriage, something for them to work out. If he wants a marriage like that, then that’s his choice. 

My second piece of advise is if you are angry with your aunt (and oh my gosh, you should be!), avoid her. Unfortunately, selfish or cowardly people are never going to own their failings and what’s been done is done. She couldn’t even begin to atone for or earn back your admiration and respect with how cowardly she’s been. Pretending like everything is great and continuing a relationship with her is a VERY BAD IDEA. It will prevent you from following my first piece of advise. 

We can sit here and hypothesize as to the why’s and how’s this comes about, but let’s get real. This is 2014 and women are no longer beholden to their wealthy husbands. There are a million choices people can make for the sake of healthy relationships with their partners, themselves, and their family. It’s clear that neither of these people are prepared to do just that. How terribly sad for them. 

And most importantly, this is a private affair between the two of them. Even if your uncle invited you into the circle by sharing her love’s correspondence, that doesn’t make you part of it. Be there for him as a reminder that unconditional love exists and have a beautiful marriage to remind him that true love exists, even if it isn’t something he has at hand at the moment.

Post # 11
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

I went through a similar thing with my aunt and I called her out on it. Long story short she disowned me and told my grandmother I was being mean and she disowned me as well…. If you do end up doing something just remember there will be ramifications. 

Post # 12
Member
602 posts
Busy bee

It’s perfectly reasonable to be upset that someone you love is disrespecting someone else that you love. She let her affair take precedent over your wedding which is really unfortunate. I have an aunt that I am incredibly close to. She’s basically my second mom. Had she selfishly opted to not attend my wedding so that she could bang her gigolo, I would have been extremely hurt. 

With that said, this isn’t your relationship so you probably don’t know the full dynamic. How a couple acts in public can be very different from how life is behind closed doors. I know a woman who had an affair then later divorced her husband. Since people like to gossip, she was known as the cheating skank but the truth was that her husband was very mean to her and life at home was difficult. Her affair was an escape and an oppertunity for her to spend time with someone who treated her the way that she deserved to be treated. The people who knew her husband wouldn’t have guessed that he was a dick to his wife but since he reserved all of his negativity for home, he did a great job of acting like Mr. Nice Guy to everyone else. You just never know.

Ignorance is bliss. Pretend like you know nothing of the situation until your aunt and uncle decide to go public with the details. 

Post # 13
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

nikkiibee:  None of what ou listed is anything close to an excuse for cheating. If she’s unhappy she could divorce him.

Post # 14
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Derp:  I said it because it’s something to think about and may get lost in thought during this emotional time.  Of course you can be upset over it, and you should be.

That said, I also didn’t see any evidence that she missed your wedding due to the affair – is this just an assumption?  Since your wedding was 6mos ago, is it possible that she missed the wedding for a legitimate reason (perhaps she was not yet in an affair, but her and your uncle had obvious problems, and she felt out-of-place so to speak)?

Unfortunately, it’s natural for her to separate slowly from your family, and to not show up at a wedding that is very intimate if she and your uncle are having problems.  Generally, family will always side with blood relatives, and given some of your female relatives already dislike her… it was a bad situation overall, for you, her, your uncle, and everyone else.

But I do find it a bit odd he was in possession – on his ipad – of a letter she and her beau were exchanging.  I guess she openly told him what was going on and provided the proof to it?

——

TL;DR: stay out of it as much as you can.  

Post # 15
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Not your business nor do I see any corelation to this being reason for missing your wedding. Thats a reach.

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