- 7 years ago
Regular going anon for privacy.
Last night I noticed my Fiance was having a drink, which I thought was weird because I assumed that when we drank at home we drank together and I didn’t even see him getting one. There were some other little red flags in retrospect and after mulling it over for a bit I asked him about it. He quickly broke down and admitted several things to me, namely that
1. He’s been having 5-6 drinks nearly every day for the past eight+ months.
2. Some physical and mentai ailments he’s had lately (anxiety related) have been due to trying to quit and having withdrawal.
3. He’s been drinking due to being unhappy with his life (was unemployed for several months though he has a job now, and we recently moved so he has no friends or family nearby. Definitely a hard situation for anyone.)
4. He thinks he is an alcoholic and wants to get help.
I am numb and in disbelief. I am looking back at a hundred little situations I thought were annoying or weird (times when he seemed to be driving badly for no reason, how he seems to be really clumsy and break things/fall a lot at night, why he seemed so sensitive about drinking the few times I casually brought it up, etc.) But I really had no clue. I feel like some sort of giant idiot that we’ve been living together and I had no idea he was drinking. Plus we have had arguments before about issues that I can see were related to his drinking and he let me think it was my own fault, or baggage, or problem to deal with. I’ve been trying to work on trust (had some very bad people in my life, unfortunately) and now I see that once again, someone I’e trusted has betrayed me.
He has several raging alcoholics in his family too, so he knew what he was risking. We have had many conversations about it. He has said he never wanted to be like them.
The good news is, I guess, he admitted this all on his own (eventually) and seems genuinely remorseful. We both cried and he gave me a good apology, not that it changes much. He asked me to stick by him while he gets help and I said I would because I know I can’t just walk away. He has so many good qualities – incredibly loving, giving, unselfish, smart, funny, talented, hard-working, etc. We have our issues like any other couple but ultimately not only do I love him but I think/thought he’d be a great parent.
And yet until yesterday “trustworthy” would have been at the top of the list and now I don’t know. What if we have kids and then he has a relapse? I never thought I’d marry an alcoholic and I don’t want to be dealing with this the rest of my life. I wanted to drink wine and champagne on our honeymoon – are we both going to have to abstain now?
The wedding is in several months and it is about 2/3 paid for, all non-refundable. Calling it off would break both of our hearts but I need to know what I’m getting into. He doesn’t SEEM like an alcoholic … and yet when you put it on paper, clearly he is.
I am so confused. So many questions. I love him so much and at the same time I am angry and just want him to go away for awhile while I think. I know he is hurting a lot right now and I want to be there to support him but like I said, I’m hurt and angry too. I told him we need to go to counseling and he agreed. But I don’t know what to do next…