Post # 1
So, I have this old friend from high school, O. He and I were really good friend for years, through HS and college. O started dating a girl, J, and she and I became really good friends and were roommates. They were long distance for about 4 or 5 years, and he lived far away, so I didn’t see him often but we were still close. I got to be really good friends with J and now she is one of my bridesmaids. They broke up a couple of years ago, and it was good because they had major problems. They stayed in touch and were on good terms. It was for the best. Now he lives in California (I am in NC). J is now dating someone new and doing so much better. I tried keeping in touch with O, but he quit making an effort about the same time he and J broke up, which surprised me since we had been friends for so long. I didn’t take sides during their breakup and basically stayed out of it. I just thought he and I would remain good friends.
Ok, so recently I find out through O’s sister that he had been dating someone else at the same time as J and completely lied to her about so many things! I was shocked and told J immediately, because I would want to know if it were me. I haven’t talked to O at all, but I am certain J told O that I was the one that broke the news. Awkward. I don’t think I can be friends with a liar and a cheater. We haven’t talked in months and I don’t think I need to explain things to him.
So, I sent him a save the date months and months ago, but now I don’t think I can bring myself to send him an invite. He probably wouldn’t come anyway, but I would HATE for him to show up and make things awkward for J, my bridesmaid. What if he came all the way from CA and brought his gf that he cheated on J with! I highly doubt he would come anyway.
I’m not sending him an invite. Is this the right decision?
Post # 3
@NatureLoverBride: Morally, I’m with you.
Post # 4
@NatureLoverBride: Don’t invite him. If you haven’t talked in months, chances are he won’t really care anyway.
Post # 5
Yea, I would be good with that. Some people are gonna pop up and say ” if you send an STD, you should send an invite”
My thoughts are this:
1. He cheated on your friend. Awkward and bad business all around.
2. He hasn’t made any effort to talk to you since they broke up a few years ago.
So I say its ok to not send him an invite
Post # 6
I guess I understand how you feel, but I look at these things differently. People can make mistakes, and it’s not my place to judge mistakes of someone’s past.
I do want to know why you told J about O cheating on her. I was involved in a similar situation, and a friend told me. Her and I are no longer friends. I didn’t understand why she told me something unless it was to hurt me or make me feel bad. If they broke up and it’s all over, I’m not sure why you would feel the need for her to have that information. I don’t think it’s very helpful to her. They are already broken up, so it seems strange to me.
If you don’t want to invite him anymore, you shouldn’t.
Post # 7
Morally another person on your side of this issue…
PLUS you obviously have a much closer relationship with J / Your Bridesmaid… even BEFORE you became aware of all this drama between her and O
So ya, in your shoes, my allegiance would be to her.
As to the Invite situation…
As an Etiquette Snob, I can tell you that you are fine.
There is no Invite extended until one has an OFFICIAL INVITATION in hand.
A STD, is merely a “head’s up” notification that an event is in the works.
(Must add, I am not a fan of Save-The-Date Cards, because more often than not we see here on WBee many Brides who find that situations change drastically between their Engagement when they enthusiastically send out their Save-The-Date Cards chipper to share their GOOD NEWS with the world… and the reality that comes with Wedding Planning… in that sooooo much can happen in the span of time from Engagement to Marriage / Wedding)
So etiquette wise, you are off the hook on this one
IF he did have the *balls* to show up at the Wedding all the same … then he’d be clearly in the wrong. (So we will assume he won’t because your STD shouldn’t have had much in the way of details on it)…
Hope this helps,
Post # 8
I think it’s fine that you don’t send him an invite… you said it’s been a while since you spoke, and he seemed to lose interest in carrying on the friendship even before you told J what he did, so I doubt he would come anyways.
Post # 9
@MrsTVLover: +1, that was kind of my thought too if they were already broken up what useful purpose could that information hold for her? I think it would just hurt her and I wouldn’t have bothered bringing it up since it was long over and done with.
That being said, I would not invite him either and think you are totally in your right not to extend him an invitation given the recent events and knowledge.
Post # 10
I’m confused as to why (1) you thought telling her would be a good idea after they both already moved on, and (2) why she felt compelled to tell him that you told her.
Post # 11
@MrsTVLover: I have to agree with this. You said you didnt get involved or take sides. They broke up, its done with. If you found out DURING their relationship yes i would think you should tell her. But since they are broken up and moved on, talking about it only hurts her.
Post # 12
I don’t understand this moral high ground people seem to put on invites to their wedding. Good people do bad things from cheating on SO’s to cheating on their taxes. Nobody is perfect. You now longer have a relationship with him, fine don’t invite him. But I’m sure there plenty of other people in attendance at your wedding who have made the same if not worse moral transgressions. This why I always say stay out of grown folks business.
Post # 13
@NatureLoverBride: if your date posted is correct, i would expect your invites to be already out. if not, don’t bother sending him an invite. i’m sure he wouldn’t miss it.
@somethingaquamarine: i agree.
Post # 14
Normally I’m in the ‘if you sent an STD they need to be invited’ camp, but I wouldn’t send him an invite either. He’s not family, he hurt and lied to one of your friends/BMs, and it’s not like you have any intention of keeping him in your life as a friend from the sounds of it.
Post # 15
@bklynbridetobe: No kidding. If i decided i was going to univited anyone that has ever cheated, my own Future Brother-In-Law would be out of the wedding.
Post # 16
I wouldn’t invite him just because you haven’t talked to him in quite some time.