Found out something and I'm upset. Am I in the right? And how to handle it?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

anonymoussecake:  this is difficult because there is no right or wrong answer in this case, I think.My short answer would be: do you think you could get over it? That’s really all that matters. 

 

The he biggest issue for me would be that he lied to you. I will say to his defense that as you say he was single at the time, so I understand that he didn’t want to risk not getting back together. And it seems he was quite right with his judgment there. Still obviously he should have told you or at least said he didn’t want to discuss what happened during that time. At least he used pritevtion and got himself tested, even though I understand you’re upset with regards to the hpv issue. 

Having said that that was wrong, I do think your attitude with regards to him having slept with someone is a bit tough. Just because YOU didn’t want to have sex with anyone because they didn’t compare doesn’t mean he loves / loved you any less. I don’t think he thought the woman he slept with was “better” than you in whatever way. He probably just wanted to have sex and as you were not available, he would have rather had sex with someone that couldn’t compare to you than not having sex at all. And both ways are fine. There’s nothing wrong with him having had sex, I think. 

not sure this helps. Good luck with everything!

Post # 3
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I assume he had other sexual partners before he started dating you. So while he was wrong to lie about sleeping with someone else while you weren’t together, you were wrong to ask. I hope you didn’t interrogate him about his history when you first started dating, and I would hope he didn’t interrogate you about the same. If you’re not together, he has no obligation to you, so it’s unreasonable to think that he would have been pining away all by himself for months. You broke up. 

Post # 4
Member
8907 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

He shouldn’t have lied, period.  But since he did, you just have to decide whether your relationship is worth forgiving him for this mistake.  If you DO decide that, then you need to truly forgive and forget – no holding it over his head in the future.  Easier said than done, but you can’t have it both ways (forgive him but continue to dwell on it or consciously/subconsciously punish him for it).

In your shoes, I would make myself forgive and forget.  It was a dick move to lie, but it sounds like he lied to you in a mistaken attempt to not hurt/lose you and really truly regrets it.

As for the actual act of sleeping with someone else… I mean, you were broken up.  You can’t really punish him for handling that differently than you did.

Post # 5
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Is trust in your relationship entirely broken and irreparable? Or has the trust been wounded but could be healed with forgiveness and complete honesty from this point on?

Post # 6
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I agree with PP, but just wanted to add that I think men and women deal with pain and breakups differently (generally speaking of course)  

I don’t mean to sound crass… but I think it’s a male thing to “get back on the horse” after a breakup.  It seems the more painful the breakup is to them, the more desperate they are to move on.  Just keep in mind the way you are imagining you would have felt in his situation of sleeping with this woman, and the way he felt are most likely completely different.  

 

Post # 7
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

anonymoussecake:  Meh.  You broke up, he slept with someone.  Guys do that.  When I went through my divorce it took me 3 months to get back out there so to speak.  When my husband ended his first engagement (to another woman) he went out and hooked up with someone within days.  You can’t help feeling icky about it but you really don’t have the right to hold it against him either.  It doesn’t mean he loves you any less or he would have had a relationship with the random hook up chick or he would have moved on and dated someone else, not you.

It’s not cool that he lied about it but you really only have two options at this point: 1) forgive him and get married; or 2) break up with him and move on with your life.  It may take some time to totally forgive him and for him to regain your full trust but if you know you will never trust him again or you will always hold this against him then you need to break off the engagement and leave him.

My husband lied to me about something a few months before we got married.  I told him right off the bat when I discovered it that it was going to take some time for me to process my feelings and that I couldn’t promise I would forgive but I was going to try.  After about a month I realized that I could forgive him and he had worked hard enough to regain my trust that I felt comfortable getting married.  We never discussed the lie ever again because when you forgive something you can’t bring it up later and use it against the person you love.  The lie wasn’t big enough to warrant destroying my entire relationship and we both learned that being honest with each other is way better than even the tiniest lie which can cause trust issues which undermine even the best marriage.  We both agree that we have a stronger relationship now because of how we dealt with the situation.

Post # 8
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you are somewhat over-reacting but I see your point.  To me, I would be upset about the lie rather than the sex.  HOWEVER, having said that….you can’t ask a question that you can’t accept the answer to or will resent the answer to. You were broken up and what he did during that time (ie. have sex with someone else) was a normal thing to do although not everyone would.  He didn’t go a major bender of sleeping with every woman that walked by, he didn’t take up a drug or gambling habit, he didn’t run up a pile of stupid debt.  

I guess my point is this: if you love this person and have a strong, healthy relationship with him, it should be able to withstand mistakes.  No one is perfect, so you have to accept that he did something that you feel broke your trust but the real question is, is this a deal breaker?  If not, then perhaps some individual therapy to help you sort out and move past your feelings.  

 

Post # 9
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with what cinnamongirl said. You can’t ask a question that you can’t accept or will resent the answer to.

When you and your FI originally got back together and you first asked him, he likely knew that being truthful about it would have had negative consequences; as in, you would have most likely gotten upset or worse, not gotten back together with him. It wasn’t that he WANTED to lie; it was just at the time, in his male brain, he felt that he had no choice to.

The fact that holding in the truth for so long has eaten away at him is actually a good thing. It means he is capable of feeling remorse or guilt or a sense of responsibility towards you. Those are great traits and key in maintaining trust in a relationship.

Just look at it from a bare-boned perspective. It was years ago. He had meaningless humping one night with a person whom he did not love. He loves YOU, and not the random that he ended up hooking up with. Furthermore, feel better in the fact that he most likely did it to help  him forget about how upset he was about your break-up.

She meant NOTHING to him. You mean EVERYTHING to him now. And I am sure if he could, he would go back and change what he did. But I feel that the right thing now would be to forever forgive and forget and just move on. His honesty with you is deserving of it.

Post # 10
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well… I mean I don’t think you are over reacting by being hurt, or having feelings. I mean he did lie so that’s a no good situation. However as you said you WERE broken up, it was also quite awhile ago.

Should you get over it? IMO yes if you feel you can, you should both work through it. That may mean you need to discuss it with your therapist together a few sessions before your mind is at ease. Personally I don’t think I’d throw away the relationship of my dreams over this.

Post # 11
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It hurts when we find out someone wasn’t hurt or sad or whatever the same way we were. But you were broken up, and just like no one else on the planet has the right to dictate to you what you can and cannot do when you are single, you can’t do that to him. 

He could have told you sooner, but for a million reasons (some of them being vey good and some being downright cowardly) he didn’t. And you can’t go back and change any of it.

But what if you stop feeling betrayed and like a victim of the sin of omission and think if it like this. Up until now, you knew your relationship was healthier. Well, guess what? Him disclosing this IS healthy. Whatever the circumstances of him sharing this info, he did. You have to feel pretty secure to unload that. And you have to have a lot of trust that the person you love can look beyond that to see all the other really great, healthy stuff you guys have together. He took a big gamble, he didn’t lie, and he certainly didn’t start a marriage holding onto that. In a weird way, I’m kind of proud of him.

I think if you can respect the hard work he took to see the errors of his ways, both with you and his life and outlook on relationships, then you can also move beyond this. He could have been out there, sleeping with a million girls, but something brought him back to you. That’s love. 

Try not to feel betrayed, because is the truest sense of the word, what he did wasn’t betrayal. It was probably more like an act of confusion and trying to feel better about leaving you. Obviously it didn’t work. There is a huge difference between being broken up and not. If you don’t believe me, I’d be very happy to share with you my experience both with what you are going through and the actually of actually being cheated on with another woman. Trust me, they are different. 

And stop freaking out about HPV. 80% of the planet has it, and as long as you go to the Dr. regularly, it isn’t a big deal. LEEP procedures aren’t that big a deal, even though it seems like it. I actually know more women that have it than don’t have it. It’s not like it’s 1950 where we don’t have the diagnostics or the technology available to treat it. Trust me, I KNOW.

Post # 12
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

A lie of omission is still a lie, for sure. It could be that he rationalized “well, it was protected sex so it’s fine” – but not every STI is detectable at the one month mark. It also sounds like he straight-out said he hadnt slept with anyone (outright lie). I could sorta see it if he said “nothing you should be worried about. I know I am healthy and without testable STIs.”

Some people conflate emotion and sex. That is fine and makes sex better when you are in love with someone, but it isn’t the only reason why some people have sex. It doesn’t mean he will cheat on you in the future because he is committed to do that only with you… But it means he was capable of doing it when he was not in a relationship.  In a twisted way, I would be complimented by that – he is not with you because he is objectifying you for sex, he is with you because your souls work with each other.

I would suggest (if it is possible) putting the wedding on hold so you have a chance to process this without looming pressure in the back of your head. Maybe join him with a few sessions at his counsellor.  I completely understand a bit of “oversensitivity” when it comes to your health, especially after you have had an ordeal – and please ignore the PP who is trying to tell you it isn’t an ordeal because it was to you, even if it wasn’t for her.

Post # 13
Member
18 posts
Newbee

if you say that you recognize that anything he did while you were broken up is his personal perogative, then it shouldnt have had any basis in whether or not you would have decided to get back together with him. i think your dealings with hpv have made you more vigiliant about staying safe… but im not really convinced that was your only motivation towards asking him if hed been with anyone else. otherwise why woudl it crush you so hard now that you know he had casual sex with someone else while he was a single person? 

his choice to have sex or abstain likely had very little to do with you, and its unfair to punish him as if it did. do you resent him for the women he slept with before he met you? would you find it fair to hold him to that same standard if you had been saving yourself for your one true love only to find the man youd chosen hadnt done the same? you have to try to put it in perspective.

reading over that i realize i might have come off a bit harsh, but i dont mean anything by it personally. he was totally wrong to lie. and i know the thought of my SO having sex with anyone other than me makes me uncomfortable.. but thats my issue to deal with, not his. as long as he is faithful to me within the confines of our current relationship, i couldnt in good conscience judge him for history that doesnt bear any difference on my present life. i think you should try to come to some sort of peace with it and make steps to move on. if you dont it could cost your relationship.

Post # 14
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I really think you’re overreacting. I also think that, no, you didn’t have the right to know whether or not he slept with someone while you guys were broken up. He probably felt the same way at the time, but probably because he thought he’d lose you forever. He shouldn’t have lied, but you should get over it.

Post # 15
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I really do think you are overreacting. I am sorry to say. If everything is fine and he told you you need to let it go. I wouldnt have told my FI if we broke up and I did that and I wouldnt expect him to either because it is not my business especially if everything is okay in that department. 

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