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I'm a regular member posting under a pseudo name because I am embarassed and don't know what to think of this situation.
My email is linked to my husband's. I frequently check his as all of our bills are directed to his email.
Tonight I went in there to pay an electric bill and saw an email from one of those dating/sex websites. I clicked on it. The user name was SexyFitGuy- a little silly, but he is very fit. I thought to myself, "this must be one of those fake emails to get you to click.." still, I clicked it anyway and was able to log into the account with the password that he uses for everything and is unique.
The profile didn't say much- his birthday and that he was interested in women. I couldn't see if anyone had logged in or if there was activity.
There were no messages or anything like that- it appered to of been opened days/weeks ago.
As soon as I finished looking through the material I asked my husband (who had been napping next to me) what it was. He denied knowing anything. I showed him the password he uses for everything- the password that was assigned to him in first grade accessed the website. He told me again he didn't know anything about it.He said it was possible it was an old account from years ago he doesn't remember. My response was, "and they're emailing you now."
Our conversation was pretty calm until he realized I was on the fence about believing him- he's a little irritated now. I wouldn't say I'm on the fence- I'm pretty sure I believe him- but the situation is so odd. His email was hacked while he was in Africa a few months ago- the hackers sent everyone on his mailing list ads in another language. I can't imagine they'd sign him up for an american sex dating website though.
As far as it being an old account- I suppose this is possible, I'm not sure why he wouldn't remember though. If it was an old account it wouldn't be a big deal- well, the username is grounds for poking fun at him. I'm not sure how to feel at the moment.
I guess what I'm asking is if anyone has heard of this happening? People opening an account for someone else?
I'm perplexed at the moment. I trust my husband- but things aren't adding up. This is so stupid. Thanks for your advice.
I went through a similar thing with FH and believe me when I say that the guy denying knowing anything is a pretty sure sign that he DID open the account himself if he is getting irritated when you confront him about it. There's a chance it was someone else, but it was probably him. Sorry you're going through this...=/
The good news is, if he did in fact open the account but is willing to come clean and fix his behavior, this isn't a huge, messy deal. I mean, it sucks. But you'll be able to get through it. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk...been there, done that, man.
I am not sure if what he is saying is true or not, especially with that password, but if his account was hacked, it is possible that "they" could have signed him up for it or he could have signed up way before he met you and just forgot about it, especially if there isn't any activity on the account. Did he change all of his passwords when his accounts got hacked? If he didn't anything is possible.
I know when I changed my facebook account to engaged, I have started receiving all kinds of singles offers, and I know I didn't sign up for any of them. I just don't click on any of them. They get deleted immediately, and I also told my FI what is going on, so he doesn't get the wrong idea.
I am the first one to say though, trust your instincts. I would investigate further by just being on the lookout for external signs of change from him. Give him the benefit of the doubt, unless it happens again.
@Statutory Grape: When we were dating I found porn on my computer. He intially denied it- but plead guilty a few moments later. He's never really lied to me before and the one time he did (mentioned earlier in this statement) I knew and he came clean moments after telling the lie. I'm confused and don't have an instinct of this situation (which is odd for me). :P
And for clarification- when I say he's irritated I mean he sat down in front of me, told me he loved me, and then how ridiculous this is in a pretty calm voice.
@mn890: I don't mean to alarm you, but that is exactly what FH did. He also had a longstanding porn addiction (from before I met him) that we were able to work through, but there were many incidents of denial, "I love you, this is ridiculous," etc. Just be on your guard, I guess is what I'm saying.
To be honest this one is tough! websites that people join years ago do send them random e-mails. For instance I get e-mails from facebook saying they found me dating matches and I am like wtf? I never signed up for no facebook dating. What exactly did the e-mail say?
@Statutory Grape: I gotcha. I don't know what to think on this one. My head is telling me it doesn't add up- my gut is telling me everything is fine (but that could be comfortable married life talking)
So my first reaction is even I get emails like that! My spam box is full of p*nis enlarging pill ads, etc. Gross I know and I certainly never signed up for them! But that's what spam filters are for right?
Anyway, the whole password thing is pretty odd. One question- if his email got hacked into, why didn't he change his password after it was hacked?
@pat291: It was an update to this nude dating website. I guess member post nude pictures and meet/talk (I didn't look at it very long). It reminded me of a facebook for sex because there were status updates.
The email was August 2010 updates- new profile search tools, galleries, ect..- I assume if he had previously been a member they'd be sending him monthly updates for years. I've never seen this website before.
By the way.. he did change his email password after it was hacked. But the new password he made is my name and numbers- I could be totally twisting things to see the ugliest thing possible but I don't think he would use the new password [my name] on a sex website which is why seeing the old password alarmed me.
@Statutory Grape: he thought maybe the account was opened a few months ago when his account was hacked (the account still had his old password then). Yep- it doesn't make sense.
To add to the confusion- we share a lap top and from June-a month ago was deployed on ship where he can't access anything but his email (he's a naval officer).
@mn890: there's a CHANCE that it's been being blocked by his filter and that one slipped through.
So, there's a chance he had the account prior and signed up.
There's also a chance that someone sent him a link to something at the site and he signed up just to see what it was and then forgot about it. And, he could be embarrassed to tell you or honestly doesn't remember doing it. (not a surprise, since I've done that, but not at one of those sites... mine are usually at driver download sites).
you could always ask him to close down the account or let it go and keep peeking in on it every so often. (check the computer history, too... unless he starts deleting it, in which case I'd start wondering....)
sorry you're going through this, but for the time being, I'd let it slide and not worry about it.
trust him... and remember: innocent until proven guilty. :) (well, at least TRY to think that way! LOL!)
interesting! maybe it go passed the junk-mail filter?? I am not finding excuses for the guy but strange things do happen esp. with free e-mail accounts. the other day my FI e-mail account was phished and e-mails were being sent on his behalf to all his contacts about a lot crap like nude pics etc.
If you never noticed before then maybe he joined to look at pics. I caught me FI looking @ amatour porn at first I was upset but then I sat back and realized men are visual people and no matter how much I try to control him and tell him he cant look at porn I may as well accept it, why because I am confident about the fact that he is attracted to me and 2 because I would rather he be open about things and not sneak to do it behind my back. I figured being uptight about it will only make him be dishonest and since a relationship is about give and take I understood that he likes porn so why tell hime he cant look at it? Now he will even look at porn with me in the living room and I don't mind.. I am not saying to do this as everyone is different but you need to go with your gut on this one and was his intent to hook up with women or to look at nudes? that makes a huge difference in the severity of the issue.
I also went through this before with my ex-fin 7 years ago. I came across a simular email like these months updates and was able to log in with his normal password. He denied just like you are saying. However, how my story gets different he started to get it all twisted up the more I asked. He didn't keep his story right. Thus being why we ended the engagement...along with other reasons.
My only concern for you is that the password matched. I don't think the hacker would sign him up for this. If he doesn't have any pics or messages in his file it could either be an old account like he said or it could be that he opened it and then decided it was a bad idea and never went through with anything. I def. would put more thought into your thoughts and feelings about it.
An old forgotten account, I would believe. IF the current password did not work. That is odd.
I had an even worse experience. My ex SO was pretty computer-challenged. So when it came to e-mail acocunts, I set everything up through Outlook Express. So I could see both our e-mails, but he rarely got any.
Then in 2006, I signed up with a group of online pals to do the Secret Santa thing - where we send holiday e-cards and links to fun holiday web sites to another preson every day, but w/o revealing our identity and the other person has to guess who you are. Well I ran into a super-busy time at work and thought I might of missed a day or two so I checked the sent messages. And I found DOZENS of sappy, suggestive e-mails and they certainly were not addressed to me! He had no idea that a copy of every e-mail sent was in the sent folder! Now THAT my friend is a BAD thing to find!
Try to stay calm and hopefully it is all a really strange concidence. I hope all turns out well.
Ask him to contact the site, via phone if possible and have them confirm if the I.P address is the same one that you have now, ask him to have the site confirm when the account was opened etc. Have him do this while you are present of course and on speaker phone. This info can be realsed to the account holder, my friend just went through almost the exact same thing with her boyfriend.....turns out it may have been the ex wife, or he was just straight up lying. Anyway, you have every right to be suspicious, I absolutely would be.....however, there is a teeny tiny chance there is some explanation to this mess......but, I'm skeptical, sorry.
I didn't read all the posts above - I skimmed, though - so I don't know if this has been said before...
It's possible that your fiance is telling the truth - aren't those hacker sites set up specifically to get your passwords from you? You mentioned that you originally thought it was one of those scam e-mails that just want you to click something, but you changed your mind because you could log on with his password. Well, I think it's very possible that it was a scam to get you to type in his password, ya know?
Anyway, if he is lying and truly did access the site on his own, I would honestly be more worried about the fact that he is lying than the site itself - and I am a very anti-pornography person. I would look into the possibility of it being a scam and bring it up with your FI again - with the idea that if he's not lying you might want to worry about changing his passwords and such again and see what he says.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck.
ok so yes we all get spam emails but you have to actuallly physically sighn up for those websites. if they are just sent to you they will still ask you to sign up for them. all of the passsword info was correct and she was able to get in it. meaning that husband or someone had to physically sighn up for an account and confirm a password just the sme with an other account(myspace,facebook,twitter)
you said: "There were no messages or anything like that- it appered to of been opened days/weeks ago." what makes you think/know that? I would look into details to find out when the account was opened.
I hate to play devils advocate, but what hacker would create a name "sexyfitguy" for a [fit] guy on a dating website with the password he has used since 1st grade. I'm not saying your guy is lying, but the 'he's innocent' scenario here is much more likely that he created it a while ago rather than someone hacking. Having said that, i cant believe he wouldnt remember it. the only time i ever posted a personal/dating ad was in college (before i was with my BF) and if my SO came across it or anything to do with it i would recall exactlly what he was talking about, i find it hard to believe that signing up for a naked photo sharing/dating site can slip someone's mind ...
So there's not the possible technology out there where they could create a fake account that would be able to be accessed by any password so that they can see what you put in to try to steal your password? Does that make sense?
I hate to say this, but I'm in the Navy and while the rules don't allow us to access dating sites or porn sites, that doesn't mean people don't still DO it. You can't block every site like that, that's 97% of the internet!
Maybe he was checking out this site while he was deployed aboard ship, and then changed his e-mail to his home e-mail once he got back from deployment. That actually seems more likely.
If I were you, I would trust that things don't add up. You probably wouldn't find anything in his home e-mail anymore, if I were him I would change everything to my ship e-mail, which he knows you can't access. Try logging in to the website in a week or two and see if the password, e-mail, or anything else was updated. If it has PMs, check those. If everything with that account stays the same, maybe it is an old account. But I would ask him to close it if he truly respects you.
I feel awful saying this, but I'm leaning towards he is lying. It is just too weird that the password matched. And even though he was calm and said he loved you (which I am sure he does) its probably a silly mistake he made, and probably didn't want to have to endure the fight. Thats my guess anyway. I would let him know its still bothering you. And that you would like to believe him but its just too weird. And give him a chance to come clean and work through it. Communication is key.
Sorry and good luck!
It's most likely a password harvesting scheme. They know whose email responded, and now they have a password used by that person. As for the "SexyFitGuy," they had a 50-50 shot at gender, and maybe better odds depending if your DH has a gender specific email address.
NEVER click on an email if you don't know the source.
Do a google search of the username and see if it's been in anything interesting.
I don't think the African hackers signed him up for this account but I do think he is actually telling the truth. The other day I got an email from some website that I signed up for in high school. This stuff happens. I wouldn't spend time worrying about it.
I was on a dating site a few years ago, and once in a while I still get emails from them. They keep changing the email address it's sent from, so I just keep marking them as Spam in my gmail, but, yes, once in a while they still come through even though I deactivated my account.
Actually, I think if I were to log back in, they would reactivate it and possibly start billing me again, so if he is telling the truth and it's an old thing, you may have started the credit card charges... although credit cards expire, so they may not have his current info.
The password part seem a little off to me. Im really sorry you have to deal with this! I also think you should do what a PP said and google his "name" on that website and see if anything else comes up for that website.
Yeah, the password is what is throwing me. I have never noticed a site sending me something and already having my password unless I've signed up for it.
I suppose it could be a password phishing scheme, but I'm unfortunately more inclined to beleive that this is an account of your husband's.
It could be old, it could be new. He might be using it for porn and not dating, he might not be using it at all.
I find that men will lie sometimes in order to not get in trouble and not hurt your feelings. Regardless if he is getting annoyed with you, you have to sit him down and talk.
Tell him that you know that this topic is getting old to him, but you need to discuss it one more time to get things straight. Tell him that he can not assume that you will get angry with his answer, only that you deserve for him to tell you the truth.
At the end, he should delete the account, it's the only right thing to do.
I'm sorry you are going thru this!
I don't see how he can't be lying. How else would he have an account with his own name and usual password? That said, it doesn't mean he's cheating on you - I agree with someone upthread who said he probably joined to look at some pictures and panicked when you asked him about it.
So... I think your gut that everything's fine is probably right. But your head's right too.
This is a tough one. I would say if the password worked, he had to have signed up for an account. However, it could have been just out of morbid curiosity. If he knows that you know his password and that you have access to his computer, I would say it probably is nothing.
But boy, if I were you, I'd sure be taking a peek at his deleted emails, or any of the cookies on the system. Usually I would say that would be the WRONG thing to do, but under these circumstances, I think it's a bit different than snooping.
If he signed up for the account years ago, he would still remember it existed. The fact he "doesn't remember" and is getting irritated with you is kind of classic manipulative behavior.
hmm, I honestly wouldn't worry about it. I get spam email all the time. Is there a chance he signed up for a dating site before you two met and it gave out his info to other sites? The main reason I wouldn't be worried is because you have access to all his email; he emailusage is an open book, why would he do something shady when you can see it?
do i think he is lying? yes.
do i think it's irrepairable? no.
gut instinct wise, i think he is in defense mode, cuz he got caught and doesn't "want to hurt you"... when in all honesty men need to learn that the TRUTH is the best.
he definitely, at least, needs to fess up. and cancel the account. and talk with you as to why he opened it in the first place.
communication is key. it's a bothersome situation, but i think you'll work through it!
Okay, back up - maybe I missed it, but is this a dating website or a sex website?
Because if this is a dating website, and he genuinely DID open it (which remains to be seen) I think that's much more a cause for concern than some dumb sex website. Porn is porn, it's an industry populated by consenting adults who are taking part by choice and being paid for it. BFD.
I honestly wouldn't worry too much about it. Before I met FI, I had signed up for a TON of dating sites--many that I never used except to browse. I knew a bunch of people that had met on the internet and figured it might be a good way to meet a like-minded guy.
I'm always getting random emails from sites (dating, shopping, or otherwise) that I signed up for YEARS ago and haven't looked at since. When I get them now, I go through and unsubscribe, but many of them I don't even remember until the email comes through. So, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt unless you have other reasons to doubt him.
It sounds like he didn't use the account, no picture, etc. and if it worked with his old password, most likely he did create the account a long time ago. I recently had a similar experience. I signed up for a dating website because i wanted to suggest guys for my friend to date. My profile only contained the bare minimum and I never signed on again after I used it that one day. Well, that was about 6 months ago and i just got a birthday greeting from the dating website suggesting i check out the new members. I forgot I had signed up and even without taking any action, they sent me an unsolicited message so your FI's story seems very plausable to me.
He's probably just embarassed, and that's why he's being defensive and weird about it. Honestly, if there's no evidence that he's been actively using the site I wouldn't worry about it. It's probably something he signed up for a long time ago, and they're still sending him e-mails.
I tried the online dating thing years ago, and have long since forgotten my log-in information...yet they still send me stuff. I also have been getting online dating site emails ever since I signed up for the Bee...interesting.
Have a friend make a fake account and "watch" him to see if he's active?
It's odd that his new password works. I personally think he's not being honest with you. Since you asked him and he denied it, I would keep checking it, if he changes the password then he obviously uses the site and doesn't want you to know what he is doing. I also would create a fake account with fake information and contact him, see if he contacts you back. If he does in any small way then you know he is active on the site and sadly doing things behind your back.
Edit: I only say create a fake account b/c I had a previous bf who did this and that is the way I found out he was lying. Was it wrong on my part? Probably a little but I wanted to get the truth from him and he was a liar so this is the only way I could get it. Needless to say that relationship ended after I found out he was still trying to hook up w/girls from the internet.
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