Post # 1
I need some advice, hive. My boyfriend and I have been together over 4 years and living together for the past two. Overall we’ve had a really great relationship. We communicate really well and always keep each other laughing. We have one of those relationships that my single friends (and several of my dating/married friends) envy since it’s so easy, effortless, and drama-free. We’ve always been really honest and open with eachother and I never felt I had any reason not to trust him. He is an extremely caring, respectful, and genuine man.
Then when we were about to move in together, my roommate (J) (a good friend of his as well) said there were some things she needed to tell me before my bf and I moved in together. She said there were two different occasions when my Boyfriend or Best Friend hit on her while we were together. Once when I was out of town, they were hanging out with a group of people a bar and J said my bf got a little too close and touchy feely with her on the dance floor. She said she didn’t let anything happen but it made her feel uncomfortable. The second time he tried to hit on her, I was at the bar too, and my bf tried to rub J’s leg under a table.
I was really upset to hear these stories from her, and felt terrible that she was put in such an uncomfortable situation. I couldn’t believe these stories because this creepy jerk sounded like a totally different guy than my bf. Needless to say, I confronted my boyfriend and he admitted to both stories, apologized profusely and said that he never went further and those were the only situations. We talked a lot and realized his drinking was the main cause of his behavior and though it took some time and effort, he has controlled his drinking ever since.
The past two years he’s been so good to me, and our relationship has been stronger than ever. Despite that, my trust was totally shattered after talking with J and ever since I occasionally snoop in his email or phone (I know, I know, it’s awful). I’ve never found anything that was even remotely flirtatious until tonight. I found a text bf sent to a coworker saying “you looked extra sexy tonight.” It was sent the night of their work xmas party so it makes sense that he would have seen her there. She never responded to the text (unless he had deleted it). I’ve met this coworker before and while she is married and very vocal about her “open” relationship with her husband, I’ve never felt threatened by her. Im also pretty sure bf was sober that night since he seemed sober when he came home and I don’t believe alcohol was served at the staff party.
Now what to do. Do I admit that I snooped? Is there a way to avoid it? While I did validate my search, is it ever ok to snoop? is it just harmless flirtiing or is he a cheating a**hole? I am really hurt by this and I dont know how many more times we can go though this. What would you do?
Post # 3
I don’t think it’s ever ok to snoop, but now that you have…bring it up. Because it’s now. If you choose not to bring it up, then you don’t get to in another two years when he’s flirting with someone else.
In all three instances he’s not come to you and admitted his inappropriate behaviour, so don’t expect him to now. If you want to know about it, talk about it. Otherwise it’s going to get worse, you’re going to drive yourself crazy and kill the relationship anyway.
Post # 4
Of course there’s the chance that mentioning it to him will harm your relationship, but imagine the harm if his behavior continues and you have this doubt/fear/anger festering in you. That’s worse, IMO, and you’d rather know the truth about him sooner than later, right?
Post # 5
Wow, that is tough and I’m really sorry you’re going through this! My intial reaction is that I’d be really freaking pissed and that no way in hell is it harmless to tell another girl she is sexy! Then, I gave it a bit more thought, and you know what? I’ve had co-workers of mine who are engaged or married call me sexy – but in a jokey, making fun of sleazy guys way, they’re never serious. Of course, it’s a text message so you can’t read tone, and it’s especially worriesome that ti has happened before and truly was flirting.
Is your Boyfriend or Best Friend the kind of guy who jokes around a lot, calling people silly things? If not, and he was serious, then I’m right back to hell yes I would be pissed! I think the two of you need to sit down and you need to open up to him and tell him that despite how good he’s been to you the past two years, your trust was really shattered when you found about about him flirting with J, and ever since then you find yourself worrying about whether or not it will happen again, and that you’re sorry for not opening up to him about this sooner, and you’re also sorry that you snooped and looked at his text messages, but your fears were confirmed when you saw a text calling another girl sexy.
As far as where to go from here…well, that’s harder. Will you ever be able to trust him? I don’t think you should stay in a relationship with someone you can’t trust. Have you considered counseling? It might be able to help you sort out your feelings and if you can or should continue your relationship. I’m really sorry =(
Post # 6
If you feel like you have to constantly snoop to assure yourself that he’s not doing anything, the relationship isn’t healthy, regardless of whether he’s cheating or flirting or being a wonderful, caring boyfriend.
You say “I did validate my search”– but think of how many times you have looked at his phone/email/whatever. All of those times the search was unfounded and your snooping was just a symptom of the lack of trust in your relationship.
Yes, you’ll need to address what you found. But, more importantly, you need to address whether you will ever feel comfortable in this relationship.
I’ve been there. I snooped very frequently, didn’t find anything most of the time, but once in a blue moon I would find something and that made all the snooping okay in my eyes. It took a long time for me to realize that having to constantly check-up on my partner was indicative of our relationship as a whole and how I wasn’t comfortable and didn’t feel secure. We broke up and I am now in a trusting relationship where I haven’t snooped once! I’m not saying you have to break up with him, but don’t be afraid to consider that you might need more, whether it is counseling, couples counseling, or a breakup.
Post # 7
Thanks everyone, y’all are right. I know I need to talk about it with him about it…ugh.
Post # 8
But don’t let him turn it to a “well you snooped” conversation. The snooping isn’t good. I’ve been guilty myself. But at the end of the day his behavior was causing a lack of trust and violating your relationship. He may have apologized for the 1st offense but he’s obviously not sorry because he’s continuing the behavior. Be sure to stand your ground. Good luck! I’m sorry you’re being faced with such a tough situation.
Post # 9
I’m sorry, but I would not describe a relationship that involves you regularly checking his phone and email as “drama-free”… at all.
I hope you two have a good long talk and both make an effort to have a healthy relationship.
Post # 10
i would bring it up and not put up with that kind of behavior! i have friends who tell me i bring up every little thing to my Fiance.. you know what I rather do that than put up with cheating and BS stories.. one of my friends just got cheated on and guess what she stayed with the guy.. my other friend got played big time by her man and now i think she finally learned!
after being played by the guy i thought i was in love with in the past i don’t put up with any BS.. & that’s why I feel my Fiance and i have such a great relationship and I honestly love him with all my heart, because whenever something makes me uncomfortable i let him know and same with him.. we are very Open about things..
so yes bring it up my dear!! and best wishes to you!
Post # 11
It sounds like the conversation you two need to have is about trust. Not just snooping or text messages.
Post # 12
You need to bring it up to him. Otherwise- you’re just going to live in constant fear that he’s doing something wrong, which is causing you to snoop. I know. I’ve been there.
I felt that something was wrong with my SO, and I checked an email that he said he made just for random stuff. Turns out there was a lot more in there than just spam mail… I approached him about it, and he confessed to the whole thing.
Since, we have become a much stronger unit. Although, the going ons were not with people he knew…
I think your best bet is to bring it up. My whole thought is, if you do something that you can’t tell your SO about… then you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.
Post # 13
Snooping under normal circumstances is bad, because it gives him reason not to trust you – but he has already violated your trust more than once, so how exactly does he expect you to trust him?
Honestly, I wouldn’t put up with it and couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t trust. Sorry to be harsh, but past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, and personally I would cut my losses before he did something that was a bigger offense. You deserve better.
Post # 14
No, this does not make him a ‘cheating asshole’.
Yes, you should bring this up to him.
You should also be honest and up front about your constant snooping. Maybe there’s something he can do to help you be more comfortable in this relationship. Maybe it’ll help you as a couple, but most of all it’ll help you learn to trust your partner. Sounds like you both have some issues you need to work out… for some reason he is seeking validation from other women, and you in turn are snooping.
I have nothing to hide but personally would have a very difficult time carrying on a serious adult relationship with someone who checked my private messages.
Post # 15
No way would I be ok with that kind of flirting. Good luck on the talk.