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I'm regular member, but I'm logged in using another identity because I found this conversation on my husband's Facebook chat history. I want to make sure this stays annonymous, so I've changed the names, places and phone numbers...
I think this is cheating, but my husband disagrees. Although, he does now think it was wrong because of how much it has hurt me. So I'm wondering if I'm over-reacting...
Sorry this is long and boring, but I didn't want to leave out any of the details so you could see how the conversation actually flowed, as that does make a difference.
Is this cheating? Was she hitting on him? Or was he the one who started the inappropriate behavior?
October 16 Sally: hi Jack
October 16 Jack: Hi Sally - what have you been up to?
October 16 Sally: trouble LOL
October 16 Jack: really!!! You need to behave!
October 16 Sally: yea right whats the good in that. Hey congrats on your wedding.
October 16 Jack: thanks - all good there
October 16 Sally: hows work?
October 16 Jack: not working right now - the job market sucks right now what about you?
October 16 Sally: what! I thought you worked at the _______ I am working but want to go back to school but trying to find the time.
October 16 Jack: I did - _______ is over. are you still in the USAR?
October 16 Sally: yep up at ft _______ the supply sgt there
October 16 Jack: that got old for me.
October 16 Sally: will have drill this weekend matter of fact. we miss you LOL
October 16 Jack: I miss it, too.
October 16 Sally: really come on back then LOL
October 16 Jack: I don't miss it that much;
October 16 Sally: well if you have nothing to do this weekend come down for a visit
October 16 Jack: getting too old I haven't been to Chicago in a long time.
October 16 Sally: wait a minute got to get a refill on my glass of wine
October 16 Jack: Okay - I'll get a beer
October 16 Sally: beer, pinot grigio
October 16 Sally: wheres the other half?
October 16 Jack on the sofa! What about your other half?
October 16 Sally your wife silly
October 16 Sally good pictures by the way
October 16 Jack Thanks!
October 16 Sally well like I said you should come visit us
October 16 Jack I know, but I am trying not to get into trouble!!
October 16 Sally why would you get into trouble
October 16 Jack who knows! Am trying to behave!
October 16 Sally you of course lol why would you mis behave lol
October 16 Jack We got close!
October 16 Sally who
October 16 Jack Who?
October 16 Sally yes who
October 16 Jack Remember, leaving McCoy 2 years ago?
October 16 Sally maybe but you werent intersted
October 16 Jack I kept things in perspective.
October 16 Sally well ok but now you are married
October 16 Jack Yes. I knew that's where I was going...
October 16 Sally ok
October 16 Jack We could have had some fun...
October 16 Sally maybe but I didnt think you liked me
October 16 Jack i hadn't seen you in 9 years
October 16 Sally but I am still surprised you talk to me,
October 16 Jack Of course I do!
October 16 Sally thank you I had your number but it was disconnected
October 16 Jack I had a different cell # then,
October 16 Sally ok getting tipsy with this wine lol
October 16 Jack If I was there we'd probably be getting naked right about now!
October 16 Sally anyway I will be up there friday night at laquinta inn really
October 16 Jack Maybe!
October 16 Sally lol chicken
October 16 Jack I cant be there - other plans this weekend!
October 16 Sally did I ever tell you you look like Jeff Chandler the movie star. oh well
October 16 Jack I've been told that!
October 16 Sally thats a good thing
October 16 Jack Probably so!
October 16 Sally well I would give you my number but that may not be a good thing
October 16 Jack I'm trying to behave!
October 16 Sally ok
October 16 Jack Let's leave it at that1
October 16 Sally lol
October 16 Jack I'll catch you later!
October 16 Sally why are all the good ones taken, just my luck :(
October 16 Jack I can't answer that!
October 16 Sally night :) chicken LOL
October 16 Jack CYA
October 16 Sally lmao
October 18 Sally like chatting with you last night, if you want to chat 555-555-5555
That conversation is completely inappropriate, especially the "we'd be getting naked part." I think you have to draw the line on what's acceptable, but for me, this would absolute not be.
Lots of hugs.
@Lindsay12.31.2010: Ditto. Definitely crosses the line into inappropriate. Hope you guys work it out.
@Lindsay12.31.2010: Yeah... That's the part I had a huge issue with too.
I don't have anything to add to what the other posters said. Definitely not cool in my book, we'd be having some serious discussions. *hugs*
I would have an issue with the naked part and when she invited him to the Inn where she would be this weekend, then called him a 'chicken'. Totally inapproriate.
Same here, the
Jack: If I was there we'd probably be getting naked right about now!
was the kicker for me. You confronted him and he said it was no big deal? I'd ask him to delete her immediately. Not sure what else to tell you, sorry you're dealing with this. :(
That is a questionable conversation for a newly married man to be having in my opinion. I'm sure some will disagree with me but I'm old fashioned and have more conservative values. In his defense, she kind of drove the convo in the wrong direction with the naked comment.
I wouldn't say it's "cheating" but it is absolutely hurtful and not appropriate in my opinion. Just communicate with him and don't shut down. Letting him know how it makes you feel as his wife is the best thing you can do, and if he wants to work with you as your husband then hopefully it won't happen again.
I'm sorry you are upset..... :(
I'm not sure if it matters who started it really, since they both continued the talking. I'm so sorry. This would have really hurt me too. I wouldn't call it "cheating" but it certainly crosses the line. Again, so sorry.
He has unfriended her, and I went into his profile and blocked her. I don't think he knows how to block and unblock people. I've also told him that I did not want him to contact her at all, because he wanted to contact her and tell her what happened. I told him that the F***ing B****h didn't deserve any kind of explanation and if he valued our relationship, he'd put my feelings ahead of hers.
Woah. At first it seemed like harmless flirting, but you husband definitely was the one who upped the ante there and crossed a line, then it ended very very shady on both ends...I'd be extremely suspicious.
I don't think this conversation is 100% indicative of him cheating, but it does suggest that he has a wandering eye is likely to cheat, which he will need to adress honestly with you if he ever expects to regain your trust. Making casual plans or "jokes" to cheat is unacceptable.
I'm sorry. :(
Were you looking for something when you were logged into his fb? Like, had you suspected you'd find something or.....why were you in there, if you don't mind me asking. To me, it would make a difference if this was a "repeat offense" sort of thing.
Oh. hell. no. "We'd be naked." Nope, your ass isn't going to be naked anywhere except in the dog house, buddy.
They are both equally guilty, but I hate to say that I think he started the inappropriate bit. I hope you can work this out.
I think this is inappropriate on your husbands part. No one can control what others say but in a marriage to be talking about getting naked with another woman is inappropriate.
For the record. The wedding date I put in this profile isn't correct. We've been married almost a year, but I didn't want to put in the correct date... Should have chosen something a little closer to the actual date though.
I logged into his facebook, because I'm planning a surprise birthday party for him, and I didn't know which of his friends on Facebook he actually considered friends and which were just people he knows. I thought I'd look to see who he talked to the most, and would invite them to the party. found this conversation by accident not suspecting a thing.
he was flirting the whole time-- he initiated it ("we got close" ..."remember mccoy?") and then continued it ("getting naked")
I would be furious-- totally inappropriate and not someone I would want to be marrying. especially if he thinks it's no big deal to remind a woman about how he wanted her and what he'd be doing with her if you weren't in the picture.
also I don't agree with you calling her names-- in my opinion this is all on your husband. he's the one joking about trying to behave and egging her on. she flirted some but only after he made it clear that he wanted to flirt and wanted her.
The other part that bothered me was the "I'm trying to behave." Why does he have to "try" to behave? He should just be telling her, "I'm married, and I love my wife, and I'm not going to do anything to hurt her."
I told him that the "I'm trying to behave" comment is an invitation to try to get him not to behave.
@bookworm88: yes, I know. I was extremely angry when I called her names. I'm being honest with what my reactions were. That was also said before I had had a chance to reread it when I was less emotional.
That's definitely very inappropriate and I would have a hard time regaining his trust after a conversation like that. I hope that it was just harmless flirting and things work out for you though!
However... She did know he was married, and any woman who would knowingly flirt back with a married man who makes those kinds of inappropriate statements really does not deserve to be treated with any kind of respect, because she didn't respect my marriage by playing along with him.
@LuckyLuna: I agree. the whole conversation he is trying to entice her to tempt him-- he wants her to make the moves and flirt with him so he can feel less guilty. he's driving the conversation and infidelity but wants her to compliment him and invite him out so that he can feel like it's some girl making him misbehave-- in reality, he's leading the whole thing. he turned what could have been innocent catching up into reminding the other girl of when he wanted her and what they could do together.
@LuckyLuna: the way he's acting makes it seem like he's looking for an affair and of course she's going to response that way if she finds him attractive. yes, she should cut it off, but your husband is more in the wrong. I know it's easy to pin the blame on her but don't remove the fault from him.
No advice, but a discovery like this would crush me. :(
So sorry you are going through this.
@bookworm88: She could have said "you're married and I'm not going there", then I wouldn't have any cause to call her any names. Regardless of whether he started or not, she didn't stop it and she knew he was married. She wanted him too.
f*ck that sh*t. definitely emotional cheating. i'm so sorry, girl - i hope he's scared straight. he needs to know he can't say crap like ever again if he wants to keep you!
@Eva Peron: None at all. I thought my husband and I had a fantastic relationship. Even my BFF who has known my husband since he was 10 was shocked. She never thought Jack would do anything inappropriate when it came to our marriage.
Oh, man...I would be so devestated. I don't really have much to say except sorry :(
First of all I'm sorry that your husband has done this to you... but it takes two to tango. While he didn't actually physically cheat on you IMO this is just as bad.
He's entertaining thoughts (and to some degree playing them out) so obviously there's something deeper going on. I don't think you should blame the other woman because it would have stopped dead in it's tracks, like you said, if he had said "I'm sorry i'm married & I love my wife." He's actually gone on from there, intiating himself and encouraging the conversation to lead sexy places..
It's worrying that he won't even speak to you about it or admit there's something wrong with his behaviour. Warning bells I'm afraid =(
Hoping you can sort this out x
I'm sorry. I think erasing that friendship/flirting relationship is a good idea BUT... the worry is that if he doesn't see it as a problem, is this what he's like with others? Fingers crossed that it's just this once - especially as it looks like there was a bit of history there? Sucks being put in this situation where YOU look like the bad guy, but that conversation was very inappropriate, on BOTH of their parts.
@LuckyLuna: I agree, she could have stopped it. But I wouldn't be letting him sleep in the bed.
WTF? This is totally a problem, regardless of whether he ever meets up with her. He sounds like a single bachelor throughout this conversation. I don't really have any advice, but I can tell you it's f***ed up.
@elliestan: I think he is scared. I know he doesn't want to lose me. Sometimes I think he understands, and other times I think he's just trying to placate me so things can go back to "normal"
I think this is cheating. He even admits that if he were there, regardless of the fact that he is married (which he brought up numerous times) that he would be "getting naked" with her if he were there. To me this reads just like the texts I used to make to guys I liked when I was a teenager. They're those flirty, I like you and I wanna know if you like me and testing the boundaries kind of thing.
If I were you, I would take a serious look at your marriage. Talk to him, and consider getting some counciling because if this is how he acts when he knows you can find out, imagine what he's doing when he thinks you don't know.
@jaguar: I agree. I dated a guy who never had a reason when he flirted (mostly through Facebook, like this one)-- he would always say it didn't mean anything and he didn't know why he did it. Regardless, he didn't see how it was inappropriate and I couldn't make him understand that it wasn't okay for him to talk to other women this way. I never felt secure again and he continued to flirt and thought it was okay if he just hid it from me just to avoid the fights. Needless to say, we aren't together anymore.
Since the OP is married, I don't feel okay saying she should just leave him? But I don't know how to make someone understand that this in inappropriate behavior when they are convinced it's fine and dandy to talk about being naked with another girl. OP, I wish you a lot of luck.
If I were you I would spend some time making a fake facebook account of some guy and get a friend to log in as 'him'. Have a similar flirty conversation including you saying the 'get naked' line verbatim. Then leave it open accidently at home. When he sees it he'll see how it feels and at the same time probably know you saw his. No matter what you do he's going to know you read his facebook message, so he might as well learn a lesson while he's at it. Oh and if you do this get a cute but still normal looking guy so it lands better.
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