Freaking out about FI's bachelor party

posted 3 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Hostess
30304 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug:  Oh my gosh sweetie, I don’t blame you for being concerned! 🙁  So sorry to hear about your parents.  Have you talked to your FI about this?  I think this is something important for you to discuss if not!

Post # 5
Hostess
30304 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug:  That is just awful! 🙁  I wish I had a good solution for you, but I just wanted to give you a great big virtual hug!  I hope you two can come up with a solution that will work for you both.

Post # 6
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I am so sorry for what your parents went though and I know some people who made a mistake on their bachelor party.

I fully believe before the party you and your FI need to sit down and talk limitations. He should respect you on this and honor you over his friends. If he can not do this I’d question if he was ready to get married or not.

Post # 7
Member
10986 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I always begin my comments on these threads by saying that I know most of the bees will not agree with my thoughts on this topic.  However, I do not think you are wrong — at all — in not wanting your FI to have a bachelor party that involves his looking at, touching, or being touched by other women.

Although many people enthusiastically choose to participate in what they view as expected rites of passage, not everyone agrees with this type of activity.  If BOTH individuals in a couple want to partake of these activities and have no qualms about their soon-to-be spouse engaging in them as well, that is a choice they are free to make. 

However, when one person objects, and the other still insists on participating, the one who insists on participating despite the feelings of his or her future spouse needs to realize that he or she actually is sending one or more (perhaps all) of the following messages to his or her SO:

* I don’t care that this makes you upset.

* I think your feelings about this are ridiculous.

* I have a right to do whatever I want.

* You’re wrong for trying to keep me from doing what I want to do.

* I would rather upset and offend you — the person I want to marry, than my friends who want to have this party for me.

Are those really the messages your FI wants to send to the woman he says he loves and wants to marry?

Post # 8
Member
42453 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Conversely, by telling him you don’t want him to attend a bachelor party, the message you are sending him is “I don’t trust you.”


His behavior is entirely his choice and responsibility, not his friends’. A grown man can attend a party, drink but not get drunk, have a good time, and draw the line at any behavior that is not accceptable to him.

 

Post # 9
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@julies1949:  +1

@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug:

If your FI wants to cheat on you, he will do it. Whether it’s at a bachelor party or somewhere else.

I agree you two should talk about expectations, boundaries and what is respectful to each other. But I don’t think it is right to “deny” him the opportunity to have a bachelor party.

My FI is going to a baseball game and to a few bars with his friends for his bachelor party. No clubs, strippes, etc. I didn’t make a list of demands (he has no interest in that stuff), but we did talk about being safe when drinking/who would drive, etc. 

If you are marrying your FI, you should trust him. You should trust that he will not do anything to compromise your trust in him or that would be disrepectful.

I do not think it is necessary for you to freak out over what happened between your parents. You are NOT marrying your father. Your FI is a different person and you should treat him like your significant other, not your child.

 

Post # 10
Member
8701 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

What you said: I honestly DO NOT want him to have this party.

What you meant: I do not trust you at all ever and I want complete control over your life. You are not allowed to do anything I do not want you to do.
Conclusion: If you can’t trust him, don’t marry him. He clearly has not done anything to merit your mistrust and thus this is your problem. Do not marry him for his sake. You need to work on you.

What you said: But, it still makes me so extremely uncomfortable, that I cannot stomach the thought of him having one.
 
What you meant: I don’t want him doing anything I don’t allow him to and I’ll use the “I’m uncomfortable” card and since my feelings are more important than his, I’ll win every time.

Conclusion: Get over yourself.

 
Seriously, you don’t give a shit about your SO. You don’t care about his wants or feelings. You don’t trust him, and this is explicitly clear. You’re blaming him for the sins of your father. Are you marrying your brother? No? Then seriously, get over yourself.

It doesn’t sound like you should be getting married at all. You’re not mature enough to do so or know how to deal with your own feelings and problems. Deal with that first before getting married.

Post # 11
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@julies1949:  +1.

 

i can understand why you feel nervous, but (obviously) your FI is not your father and can probably make better decisions than your father did.

Post # 13
Member
8701 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Tphan:  Nothing I said was harsh. She absolutely cannot deal with her own emotions, so how is she going to deal with what marriage throws at her? What happens if something comes up that she can’t control? Divorce?

This is something that needs to be worked out before marriage. Just because it isn’t what she wants to hear doesn’t make it harsh.

Post # 14
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Hyperventilate:  +1

I’m tired of reading so many of these threads where the woman basically says that her feelings about the bachelor party are more important than the man’s feelings.

He is a person. He’s not your property, and other people will ALWAYS be touching him. It’s up to you to trust him to know how to put a stop to these things and step in when he needs the help – as in, he actually says he doesn’t know what to do about it.

OP, he’s NOT your father. Please don’t make the stupid mistake of pinning someone else’s sins on him. This also goes to those women who essentially think “my ex did this and that so I don’t trust that my SO won’t do them either”.

Post # 15
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Hyperventilate: 

“Seriously, you don’t give a shit about your SO. You don’t care about his wants or feelings. You don’t trust him, and this is explicitly clear.” 
 
That’s not harsh? I absolutely agree this is an issue that she needs to resolve with herself but I found much of your post to be unnecessarily mean. 

Post # 16
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug:  What are his feelings on the bachelor party?  I don’t think a healthy relationship requires dictating what the other can/cannot do, but it does require open communication and compromise to make each person happy and comfortable.

 

Also, while it’s hard not to take your father’s infidelity out on your FI, know that if your FI is going to cheat on you or sleep with a prostitute or stripper or whatever, he will do it whether or not he has a bachelor party.  

We didn’t have bachelor/bachelorette parties, but if we did we were just planning on a typical guys/girls night out.  I don’t think it has to be any different.  Is he adamant on having strippers? If not, I guess I just don’t see what the issue is.  Assuming you allow him to go out with his guy friends any other time…

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