Post # 1
So I think I have had cold feet since my engagement…. Which was 1.5 years ago.
When my fiance first proposed, my heart hit the floor and I panicked and almost said no but it came out yes. It was the most un-ideal proposal I could have asked for. I had always dreamed of something amazing, something that would take my breath away. It didnt. it happened in our kitchen, when I had just woken up with a horrible hangover from the night before. I think that was my first clue.
I love him so much, and I honestly dont think that i deserve anyone as emotionally intelligent and well-rounded as him, but I cant help but feel like this is a huge mistake. After my initial stomach twisting, I started to remember why I love him so much and we have lived together and shared a huge part of our lives together… (7 years)
But now- 2 months to go- I just cant see myself marrying him. And so much has been done. I am having all of the symptoms I have been reading about- dreams of exes, panicked feelings in my stomach… I just cant figure it out. All I can think about are all of the things that I have always wanted to do. I have always wanted to travel, to be adventurous and spontaneous, and because of a tumultuous situation with my family (I have been moral support for my sisters through years of parents with alcoholism and very little financial income) I have been forced to watch many of my friends find themselves and live out their dreams while I have felt cemented to my lot in life.
To make matters worse, my family is very close knit and a relative of mine has just gotten engaged, and well, I can put it lightly by saying that her proposal blew mine out of the water (on vacation in Europe. I’ll let you use your imagination) and her wedding is going to be 10X bigger and nicer than mine could ever be… and I know I shoudlnt compare myself but I think that people will be more excited about her wedding than mine when they are at mine… am I selfish in thinking that I deserve better? I know I sound really shallow. But I need to get it out of me.
He loves me unconditionally, and I feel like i would be the most evil person in the world to let him down. But I feel like I’m settling.
Post # 3
Do. Not. Settle.
You don’t want to live with that regret.
But identify what makes you feel that way. Is it him that makes you feel that way? Or is it your own unfulfilled dreams? Can you fulfill those dreams with him? Seven years seems like a long time. Don’t rush – think this through. But it’s a lot better to call it off now, or postpone it, then a year from now. Talk to him. Communicate. And good luck!
Post # 4
Sounds like you have a lot of unresolved stuff to work through. This could be regular wedding cold feet or it could be more. Only you can decide, but don’t let it be decided for you by going with the flow.
Get yourself in to see a counselor and spend some time working through this with them. You owe it to yourself, your fiance, family and friends.
Take some time… There is no reason that the wedding has to happen in September. Postpone. Think. Make the best decision for you.
I hope you find some peace in this!
Post # 5
I don’t think it has to be all about the big proposal and big wedding. There could be financial reasons that you just can’t have those things, not everyone can hop a plane to Europe, and lets face it, some boys just aren’t that crafty to give us what we want. But if you’re freaking out about the actual marraige part, I think you should definetly think it through.
Post # 6
I think this goes beyond cold feet. I had a WEEK’S worth of cold feet 2 months before my wedding. You sound very unsettled, like in your heart you know you aren’t making the right decision I think you need to do some thihking and talk to your FI. He needs to know what’s going on,.
Post # 7
No, you won’t get over this feeling until you sit down w/ him and talk it out. Never just settle… no matter how much time you have invested in your relationship. It will only get worse if this relationship isn’t THE ONE. But then again, maybe it is and you’re losing sight. Either way, you HAVE to talk to him and get to the bottom of your feelings.
Think of your future… can you imagine it w/o him?
Post # 8
It sounds like in your heart you don’t want to be with him. Do not settle. Call off the engagement. I have been there, and it is not an easy thing to do, but if you need to, then it s the RIGHT thing to do.
Post # 9
Weddings bring about a lot of different emotions but I think a lot of the things you are feeling go beyond the wedding stuff!
Truly if you were happy with your life and your FI you would not care about the proposal/wedding to this extent – of course you would care but really the important part is that you are marrying the man of your dreams and we all get a little wedding/proposal envy for others!
I really think that you need to talk about your future and life with your FI! What do you need in your life to make YOU happy (travel etc.) and see whether or not this matches your FI needs and wants! I think if you open the communication you can figure out everything you need to figure out!
Good Luck and I hope that everything works out and you get HAPPY soon!!! *HUGS*
Post # 10
Is it that you don’t want to marry him, or you don’t want to get married at all? I had a friend that was in a similar situation to you. They dated 6 years, engaged 3, never really had the urge to get married, although HE wanted to. Sometimes it was just him, and sometimes it was no marriage at all. It took something simple to make her realize that she wanted to make it official, finally – her cat died when they were on vacation and he drove 6 hours home to get the cat and drive it 6 hours back to where they were (yes, 12 hours driving straight for a cat).
I agree with August15 – do not settle. However, make sure you know whether it’s that you don’t want to marry HIM or just don’t really want marriage.
Post # 11
I agree with the others that you need to talk to him and also do some soul searching. No one should have to give up their dreams or hobbies. It doesn’t sound like he is the reason why you haven’t fulfilled your dreams. So you really need to give him a chance to help you sort out your thoughts. You may want to seek counseling. Good luck, I’ve been engaged before and it was hard to call off the wedding and ultimately the engagement.
Post # 12
Talk about it, but don’t compare yourself to your relative. You shouldn’t feel like your FI is holding you back.
Post # 13
You mentioned your desire to travel. Is this something he would like to do with you?
Does he generally support your hopes and dreams? Or do you feel that you have compromised a part of who you are trying to make him happy?
Post # 14
Hmmm, my only thought is that if you weren’t sure WHEN HE ASKED a year and a half ago, it’s more than just cold feet. I think cold feet happens after you’ve just had too much time to think about the forever thing. All the little things just seem so big when you look at dealing with them every day for the rest of your life. Good luck with all of it, and I hope you find what you are looking for out of this.
Post # 15
I’m with DoctorGirl, I think it might be worthwhile to go see a counselor to talk through some of these feelings. A lot of people have “cold feet” before the wedding, but this sounds like you may have some other unresolved issues to address.
Have you talked to your fiance about your feelings at all? It might be worth it to have a conversation with him to share your feelings. Maybe don’t go right to “This is a huge mistake” but explain that you’re having doubts and concerns and that you want to find a way to work through them together. (I guess that is, if you think you do). You can always postpone the wedding, go through some counseling and see where you stand.
Post # 16
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
It sounds like a lot of the stuff you’re hoping for (other than the size of the wedding/gradiosity of the proposal) are things that you can do with him if you want to… so the fact that you’re feeling like you don’t want to marry him is a good indicator that you need to press the pause button, at least, and really examine what’s going through your head. Is there someone you can talk to so that you can sort through the issues that are coming up for you? But for god’s sake, don’t get married just because you’ve planned a wedding. Make sure you’re doing the right thing for yourself, because cancelling a wedding is a lot easier than ending a marriage.