(Closed) Freaking out over fiance

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He’s so unhappy he can’t deal with an hour and a half drive to go home and visit?  I would worry about the level of commitment of someone who puts his family and presumably childhood friends above his fiance.  I would put the starting a family plans on a serious hold.

Post # 4
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

wtf he hasn’t made new friends in your town?

Post # 5
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@oneofthesethings:  I do not think that he is putting his family and friends above her….I think he is just homesick and hasn’t adjusted to living in this new town. 

OP, my fiancé moved to be with me over four years ago, and it took years for him to start making a good group of friends. In fact, he just recently said that he can himself living here forever. That was a big change for him, so maybe your fiancé just needs time as well.

Post # 7
Member
2648 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@oneofthesethings:  +1. If it were 1000 miles then ok. One HUNDRED? Come on.

It’s understandable that he’s unhappy and homesick. That kind of stuff takes a lot of adjustment. However, actually moving back home as opposed to going to visit more often, is really drastic. I’d be livid if FI did something like that to me. Please do not go blaming yourself because it’s not your job to be his social secretary and life manager. 

This is a relationship issue because he’s basically saying that it’s more important for him to solve his problem his way rather than sitting down with you and discussing potential compromises and fixes. If the two of you have done that, then my apologies, but I’m going from what was posted in the OP. I say this with no snark but as an objective third party – what he did was childish, irrational, thoughtless towards your feelings, and not at all responsible as part of a committed couple. I think you two need to talk seriously about needs, wants, and goals and ensure that there are compromises and fixes for any major differences.

Post # 8
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@OtterHalf:  Well he left her and moved back home, so I’m not sure how that doesn’t count as putting his family and friends above her.  I understand having a hard time adjusting, but homesick? An hour and a half away?  He’s a grown man.  He shouldn’t use homesickness as an excuse to leave his fiancee.

Post # 10
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Did the roads dissolve when he moved?  He couldn’t go visit and no one could visit him?  It’s not that far so it sounds like a lame excuse.  Can ask his age??

Post # 12
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@summer_1981:  Yikes. I can’t say I blame you for being upset!! He couldn’t have just talked to you before he ran home? Like didn’t something build up to this? Did you have any indication something was wrong?

Do you know if this is just temporary or is he actually moving back in with his parents?

This is like an hour’s drive… wtf.

I would seriously reconsider the relationship. If he can’t handle being an hour away from his parents, what happens when the going gets tough with your future children? What happens if you have to move FAR away?

I’m sorry you’re going through this but he sounds totally immature. Normal people don’t just run off without any warning.

Post # 14
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee

@summer_1981:  I’m so sorry! It seems unfair that he made this declaration and just left without discussion. I think he def needs some help with communication. Is he young? I mean, we grow up and move out- that’s normal. I hope you guys can figure something out. 

Post # 15
Member
857 posts
Busy bee

@summer_1981:  may I ask where from/where to?

Like, if he’s moved to Hull… it’s super depressing and no one would ever want to live there ever. But if he’d moved to Manchester, maybe? That would be different.

I moved from Manchester – Brighton and it was HARD. A massive culture shock. Southerners are just… not friendly. But I eventually got used to it. It took me a good 2 years to get used to it, and making new friends as an adult is really tough.

Can you move to somewhere in the middle? That way you’re only an hour or so from each side?

Post # 16
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@summer_1981:  I only say that because I live about 500 miles from my family and they apparently think the roads don’t exist for them to come see me but mysteriously spout from the ground when I drive to see them.  LOL 

At the age of 33 he should be mature enough to stick it out and make the best of things.  It would be different if you weren’t urging him to visit his family/friends.  I could see if you were forbidding him to go.  It doesn’t bode well that he upped and left because he’s “homesick”.  What will he do when you get married?   I’m assuming that he works.  Does he work from home or something or are you all on different schedules so that he has a lot of alone time? 

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