Freaking out over possible relocation! Need soothing, calming words.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@StL.Ashley:  Whatever the decision is, it has to be one that you feel you made as well. If you feel pushed to do so then you will resent it later. I am sure whatever happens, in the long run you will find it worth the headaches now. I moved for FI a couple of years ago, because it was either move with him when Uncle Sam told him to or for us to be apart for those two years that he was going to be gone. I never regretted being with him! Fortunately, I was able to finally come home, but I would have stayed, or gone somewhere else, if I needed to.

Have you began looking for other work in Jersey, just in case?

Post # 4
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is one of those moments when being engaged “gets REAL”. My FI was up for a higher paying job in another town and for about 5 months in the middle of our engagement we were in limbo waiting to find out if we had to move. I am freelance and didn’t take as many jobs during that period bc I had to be available to manage the move & what that would do for our wedding planning, and it turned out that company had some trouble and started laying off instead of hirining! So now I’m extra broke (would have been so nice to be confidently working earlier this year) But life is unpredictable.

It was a good exercise for us as a couple to figure out what our compromises would be. We had it figured out if we moved there for his job in the suburbs, we would spend the first year or so living closer to my potential work in the city since I would have to start over essentially. It’s alot to swallow, but it can be a great adventure for the two of you if you are open to it. I agree though that you should be honest and not do something that would lead to resentment for either of you. If it makes you feel any better New Jersey is actually really beautiful in some parts “The garden state”, and you can be close to NYC possibly, which is exciting! It’s not all like the Jersey Shore. Also consider that this move may be temporary..maybe just a few years.. I told my Fi I’d move anywhere with him until our first kid is school aged – then we need to be somewhere I like 🙂 So we have those potential transfers in mind. Don’t worry!

Post # 6
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Mr. is in the Navy and I knew what I was getting myself into, so my situation is a little different.

We could have stayed in San Diego for the next 3 years, but he would be deploying and it wouldn’t be a good career move for him… or we could go to Biloxi, Mississippi for 3 years, where we won’t deploy and he’ll likely make Chief while we’re there.

I was born and raised here. My family and friends are here. My job is here. Everything I have ever known is here, and the thought of moving to Mississippi doesn’t appeal to me in the least. 

With that said, the packers are here at this very moment. I love my husband, and am willing to sacrafice for him.

Post # 8
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@StL.Ashley:  I was just going to say, what about Chicago? That’s where I live and it’s a 4 hour drive (speeding, haha) to St. Louis! Unemployment is bad here, but there’s lots of corporate offices for retail and what not. It’s more of a bustling area than St. Louis. 

I’m sorry, I’d be super pissed about moving to Jersey for retail, sorry. And giving up your job here that pays more than him? I don’t know. You’re not even married yet!

Post # 9
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think you have too much to lose, honestly. The fact you make more than him seals the deal for me.

If you hated your job and weren’t particularly attached to St. Louis, I’d say you should move.. but no. Especially since you’re considering moving back in < 10 years, anyway. Like what’s the point in moving to Jersey? Surely if he climbed the ladder higher, he’d be even more tied to Jersey, no?

I wouldn’t do it. I would suggest to your FI he applies for similar jobs closer to home. Even if it’s a lateral move and takes him a bit longer to get promoted again, at least he’ll be with a company based in St. Louis or close by.

Post # 10
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@StL.Ashley:  I moved to South Jersey about a year and a half ago, and it’s not that bad!  Cost of living is very high, but it’s much greener and nicer than I expected, and Philly is very close!  If it doesn’t make sense personally and financially, don’t do it, but Jersey itself isn’t as terrible as you’d think 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I know it’s scary, but I think you guys should go for it!  It sounds like this move will open up a lot of opportunities for him in the future and, since you said you work in HR, you can work pretty much anywhere.  I am moving for FI because he is in a PhD program and literally can’t move for the next 3 years.  I’m currently living in NYC, which is where I’ve wanted to live my whole life, and I’ll be leaving a lot of family and friends who are either in the city or within an hour.  It’s sad to think of not being able to see them as often, but ultimately I want a life with him and it’s what’s best for us as a couple.  We’ll also be moving to Europe for his post-doc and then the years after that will be totally up in the air as he searches for jobs in academia.  It’s hard to let go of what you know, but you have to focus on all of the great opportunities that can come out of it.  It’s good to get out of your comfort zone and challenge youself to see what you can accomplish.  Since you said your current job is entry level and not going anywhere, this could be great for your career, too!

Post # 13
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I understand that you are upset about moving to another place, but I think you are a liiiiitlle exaggerating. I moved to another continent for my husband, and no-not just temporarily, I am living in the states, but my whole family and friends live in Europe. However, I am also very adventurous and like “Change”. I don’t really have any advice other than that you will meet new people anywhere if you put effort into it, and not “shut down” in advance. 

 

I actually live in NYC, but husband’s parents live next to Atlantic City, so I have been there a lot, and it is not all that bad. Don’t think it is all Jersey Shore people! Some of them ARE Juiceheads ;), but there are also a lot of nice people down there. I do have to admit though, that it is not the most exciting place to live, at least compared to NY.

 

It all comes down to making compromises and I think this “moving thing” is one of the first real challenges In a relationship. If it is not worth it don’t do it-but if you only protest because you have to move away from your family you should reevaluate how much your relationship is worth to you. I have a friend, who moved to the Bahamas for 2 years and then to Chicago for an undetermined amount of time (also from NY), because the husband got into medical school there (without pay if course). I am not saying we should all just throw our identities over board and follow our men. Sometimes it is necessariffy move if  you want to move ahead in your career and it would not be fair to be unsupportive.

 

Post # 14
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@StL.Ashley:  I hear ya.  My SO just got a job offer in CT which would be an hour drive from our condo in NJ, so he wants me to look for jobs in that same area of CT.  I don’t wanna move to CT! All my friends are in NYC plus since I’m an attorney, if I did find a job there, I’d have to take my third bar exam (which is like the worst).  I want him to just suck it up and do the hour commute, haha.  I have started to apply to a couple jobs though.

Where in southern NJ would you have to go?  I live in northern NJ next to NYC so I’m kinda biased in saying that I would prefer to live here than in southern NJ, hehe.  Also maybe you can work something out with your FI where you can stay at your current job until you find something that is similar pay for what you’re doing.  Like he can move first and you can join him later.

Post # 16
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@StL.Ashley:  Aww well good luck, if you do end up in the AC area, you can always go up to the NYC on weekends to see your friends. 🙂

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