Post # 1
FI is/was up for a big promotion, that, unfortunately, would require a relocation from St. Louis (where I was born, raised, love, and want to die), to south Jersey (which I’ve never been to, but…sounds terrible. And there are hurricanes!).
He was offered the position yesterday, but the salary, while a significant increase from what he makes now, would essentially cause him to break even because of the increased cost of living. Not to mention, I make more money than him now and I’d have to quit my job (which I LOVE), and I become pension-vested next year. We agreed on a bottom-line number, and I told him to be firm on that number. Now, that bottom line number isn’t a HUGE increase from what they offered him, but his company is really stingy with raises/money, so we both figured they wouldn’t agree to it and that would be that.
So his plan was to call the corporate office today and say, once again, what his bottom line was, take it or leave it.
He told me he’d let me know ASAP so I can stop worrying about it (finally – this has been a two month long process). So FI just texted me and said “I’m going to meet you at work for lunch so we can talk”.
UGHHHHHH….I don’t want to move to New Jersey! I’m freaking out. I know it’d be good for his career (otherwise he’s pretty much stagnent – he works in retail and this would be a corporate-level position with significant growth opportunities), and it’d be a fun new adventure, but I’m so scared to 1) quit my job 2) move away from family 3) move away from friends 4) move away from a house/area that we love 5) 11 months before our wedding! I keep telling myself this will be a good move in the long run, but…dang, I just really don’t want to move, and only for selfish reasons.
I guess I just need to vent/need words of encouragment/whatever.
Post # 3
@StL.Ashley: Whatever the decision is, it has to be one that you feel you made as well. If you feel pushed to do so then you will resent it later. I am sure whatever happens, in the long run you will find it worth the headaches now. I moved for FI a couple of years ago, because it was either move with him when Uncle Sam told him to or for us to be apart for those two years that he was going to be gone. I never regretted being with him! Fortunately, I was able to finally come home, but I would have stayed, or gone somewhere else, if I needed to.
Have you began looking for other work in Jersey, just in case?
Post # 4
This is one of those moments when being engaged “gets REAL”. My FI was up for a higher paying job in another town and for about 5 months in the middle of our engagement we were in limbo waiting to find out if we had to move. I am freelance and didn’t take as many jobs during that period bc I had to be available to manage the move & what that would do for our wedding planning, and it turned out that company had some trouble and started laying off instead of hirining! So now I’m extra broke (would have been so nice to be confidently working earlier this year) But life is unpredictable.
It was a good exercise for us as a couple to figure out what our compromises would be. We had it figured out if we moved there for his job in the suburbs, we would spend the first year or so living closer to my potential work in the city since I would have to start over essentially. It’s alot to swallow, but it can be a great adventure for the two of you if you are open to it. I agree though that you should be honest and not do something that would lead to resentment for either of you. If it makes you feel any better New Jersey is actually really beautiful in some parts “The garden state”, and you can be close to NYC possibly, which is exciting! It’s not all like the Jersey Shore. Also consider that this move may be temporary..maybe just a few years.. I told my Fi I’d move anywhere with him until our first kid is school aged – then we need to be somewhere I like 🙂 So we have those potential transfers in mind. Don’t worry!
Post # 5
OH, yeah – I’ve definitely worked hard on identifying that I won’t feel resentment (just like he won’t feel resentment to me for turning the position down for a low salary). It’s just really scary! I’m a person who HATES change, and this is a HUGE change.
I have looked for jobs – unfortunately the area where his office is located (about 15 minutes from Atlantic City) isn’t exactly a hotbed of opportunity. There are a lot more employment options in Philly (I work in HR), so we’d probably live halfway between Philly and AC (about 30 minutes each way).
Post # 6
Mr. is in the Navy and I knew what I was getting myself into, so my situation is a little different.
We could have stayed in San Diego for the next 3 years, but he would be deploying and it wouldn’t be a good career move for him… or we could go to Biloxi, Mississippi for 3 years, where we won’t deploy and he’ll likely make Chief while we’re there.
I was born and raised here. My family and friends are here. My job is here. Everything I have ever known is here, and the thought of moving to Mississippi doesn’t appeal to me in the least.
With that said, the packers are here at this very moment. I love my husband, and am willing to sacrafice for him.
Post # 7
@waitingwonderland: oh yeah, we definitely have an agreement that once we have kids, we live somewhere I want, ideally back in St. Louis (but I’d settle for Chicago or someplace else that I determine “family friendly”). Luckily, FI is totally on board for that – he really wants to raise our kids near my parents (he loves my parents and thinks they’re great people – I tend to agree, ha!).
Post # 8
@StL.Ashley: I was just going to say, what about Chicago? That’s where I live and it’s a 4 hour drive (speeding, haha) to St. Louis! Unemployment is bad here, but there’s lots of corporate offices for retail and what not. It’s more of a bustling area than St. Louis.
I’m sorry, I’d be super pissed about moving to Jersey for retail, sorry. And giving up your job here that pays more than him? I don’t know. You’re not even married yet!
Post # 9
I think you have too much to lose, honestly. The fact you make more than him seals the deal for me.
If you hated your job and weren’t particularly attached to St. Louis, I’d say you should move.. but no. Especially since you’re considering moving back in < 10 years, anyway. Like what’s the point in moving to Jersey? Surely if he climbed the ladder higher, he’d be even more tied to Jersey, no?
I wouldn’t do it. I would suggest to your FI he applies for similar jobs closer to home. Even if it’s a lateral move and takes him a bit longer to get promoted again, at least he’ll be with a company based in St. Louis or close by.
Post # 10
@StL.Ashley: I moved to South Jersey about a year and a half ago, and it’s not that bad! Cost of living is very high, but it’s much greener and nicer than I expected, and Philly is very close! If it doesn’t make sense personally and financially, don’t do it, but Jersey itself isn’t as terrible as you’d think 🙂
Post # 11
When I say I make more, I mean a little more. Nothing huge, at all – and after bonuses, it’s within a few hundred dollars.
Ugh. It just seriously sucks. He’s worked for the same company for 7 years (he started in college and has stayed there). It’s not just a “retail” job he’d be promoted into – it’s the operations manager, so it’s actually a big deal, and would significantly affect his trajectory. Even if he switches companies, after ops management experience it opens his options up A LOT compared to what he has now (which is just retail experience, essentially).
I do like my job, but I’m a little stagnent. I’m the type of person who would never ever leave, and honestly, due to the age of my coworkers, I would be stuck in my (entry-level) position for a LONG time. I’m safe and comfortable here…which is not necessarily a good thing (it’s also the my first job after college).
Anyway, he talked to the company head people again, and they increased his offer, meeting him halfway between our line and their initial offer. He wants to do it – and, clincher, they need to know by end of business today (since he’s actually in training for a different, not nearly as good, promotion right now, and they need to let their backup know by Monday if he takes the better promotion) I’m just so tired of thinking about it.
Post # 12
I know it’s scary, but I think you guys should go for it! It sounds like this move will open up a lot of opportunities for him in the future and, since you said you work in HR, you can work pretty much anywhere. I am moving for FI because he is in a PhD program and literally can’t move for the next 3 years. I’m currently living in NYC, which is where I’ve wanted to live my whole life, and I’ll be leaving a lot of family and friends who are either in the city or within an hour. It’s sad to think of not being able to see them as often, but ultimately I want a life with him and it’s what’s best for us as a couple. We’ll also be moving to Europe for his post-doc and then the years after that will be totally up in the air as he searches for jobs in academia. It’s hard to let go of what you know, but you have to focus on all of the great opportunities that can come out of it. It’s good to get out of your comfort zone and challenge youself to see what you can accomplish. Since you said your current job is entry level and not going anywhere, this could be great for your career, too!
Post # 13
I understand that you are upset about moving to another place, but I think you are a liiiiitlle exaggerating. I moved to another continent for my husband, and no-not just temporarily, I am living in the states, but my whole family and friends live in Europe. However, I am also very adventurous and like “Change”. I don’t really have any advice other than that you will meet new people anywhere if you put effort into it, and not “shut down” in advance.
I actually live in NYC, but husband’s parents live next to Atlantic City, so I have been there a lot, and it is not all that bad. Don’t think it is all Jersey Shore people! Some of them ARE Juiceheads ;), but there are also a lot of nice people down there. I do have to admit though, that it is not the most exciting place to live, at least compared to NY.
It all comes down to making compromises and I think this “moving thing” is one of the first real challenges In a relationship. If it is not worth it don’t do it-but if you only protest because you have to move away from your family you should reevaluate how much your relationship is worth to you. I have a friend, who moved to the Bahamas for 2 years and then to Chicago for an undetermined amount of time (also from NY), because the husband got into medical school there (without pay if course). I am not saying we should all just throw our identities over board and follow our men. Sometimes it is necessariffy move if you want to move ahead in your career and it would not be fair to be unsupportive.
Post # 14
@StL.Ashley: I hear ya. My SO just got a job offer in CT which would be an hour drive from our condo in NJ, so he wants me to look for jobs in that same area of CT. I don’t wanna move to CT! All my friends are in NYC plus since I’m an attorney, if I did find a job there, I’d have to take my third bar exam (which is like the worst). I want him to just suck it up and do the hour commute, haha. I have started to apply to a couple jobs though.
Where in southern NJ would you have to go? I live in northern NJ next to NYC so I’m kinda biased in saying that I would prefer to live here than in southern NJ, hehe. Also maybe you can work something out with your FI where you can stay at your current job until you find something that is similar pay for what you’re doing. Like he can move first and you can join him later.
Post # 15
@Jewelieee: I WISH it was northern NJ. I have a bunch of friends who live in NYC (went to a university with a well-known journalism program). His office is outside of Atlantic City, unfortunately…which I think is like the butthole of NJ (no offense to anyone who lives there, that’s just what I’ve heard!).
We’ve thought about that (me staying, him going), but we just can’t afford it. His office will break our lease and pay for us to live in an extended stay for two months, but those things have to go in sequence (so they won’t put him up in an extended stay then break our lease, if that makes sense). Plus, since the types of jobs I’m looking for are easily filled locally (HR, mid-level type things), it would be INCREDIBLY difficult to find a job while out of state.
Post # 16
@StL.Ashley: Aww well good luck, if you do end up in the AC area, you can always go up to the NYC on weekends to see your friends. 🙂