Post # 1
hi all 🙂
I’m a bit new around here and wanted to ask for some advice regarding one of my bridesmaids. You guys always seem to give such good advice…
So I have 5 BM’s, one of whom lives a 5 hour drive away, so I don’t see her as much. This girl hascrazy issues in her life, which I understand and appreciate – shes even randomly appeared at my houseand stayed for 4 nights without warning – FI went mad!
Anyway, when I asked this girl to be a BM Isaid I understood the challenges she was facing and totally understood if she felt she wasn’t able – she said she needed something good in her life and she’d love to be a BM – all sounds good so far right?
Then I found out she owes my MOH (who she’s met once) money and is refusing to pay it. I’m paying for everything for this girl – 5* villa for a week for the wedding, her handmade dress, swarovski jewellery, shoes – everything! My mum and MOH had booked four days away for my hen party and bad BM said she was going, and asked my MOH to pay it and shewould give her the money the nxt time she was in town.
That was 2 months ao, we go away in 6 weeks and its creating friction all round. Everytime I ask fr the money for my MOH my BM makes up an excuse. Her “bank won’t accept the sort code” shes “having problems with her account”. The latest one is lying about bein in hospital when I seen he on FB earlier tonight…
I don’t know what to do here? Sorry its so long can anyone help?
Post # 3
She just doesn’t have the money & is probly in lots of debt. If she owes her money, she probly owes others money too. Idk what to say really… just that I wouldn’t offer her any money if you expected it back.
I’m not sure why she owes MOH money if they only met once? Is it a lot? I mean, is she willing to work out a payment plan to her? Even if its just $10/month or $50/month or something like that?
If she’s not paying her share in the hen party, can you cancel her room if no one can cover for her? I mean, this may really upset her. But being owed money by someone who won’t/can’t pay will create bad things if that money is expected back.
Post # 4
Wow! I think you just need to talk to her, tell her how much it means to you that she is involved but unfortunately money is tight for everyone and if she can’t foot the bill she will have to sit the bachelorette out and maybe suggest a cheaper night out just for the two of you another time. It is totally not acceptable for her to put you or your MOH in this position, you are already doing more than enough for her. Good Luck!
Post # 5
I think you need to let MOH and bad BM sort out their own money issues. It’s not really your business, and I don’t think you need to make it your business.
That said, I guess I’m wondering why she’s a BM in the first place… did you ask her out of pity b/c of the bad things in her life? Do you two have a wonderful friendship we didn’t hear about above? If not, and you’re trying to better her life by having her in your wedding, I would suggest that you tell her that if she cannot pay for what she agreed to pay for as part of your festivities, you’ll have to cancel her room. I would also let her know what’s expected of her as a bm (behavior-wise, and maybe slightly address the friction with MOH) and see if she’s still up for it. One word of caution: Stick to the facts. She said she would pay, she hasn’t paid. You can’t prove that she DIDN’T have bank problems, or that she WASN’T in the hospital (you can access FB from inside a hospital…). The simple fact is, she was untruthful and hasn’t paid when she said she would. Give her a concrete deadline (three days, a week, whatever) and stick to your guns on it.
Post # 6
Wow. So Sorry. So in terms of paying for all of her stuff, did you do that thinking she’d pay you back? (Or just offer it as a gift to her?) Can you take anything back? MAybe if she doesn’t pay back MOH, you can try to recoup some of the money you’ve spent on her, and pay back your MOH that way. (So then if she doesn’t have the money for shoes, jewelry, hotel, she can’t be in the wedding.)
It doesn’t look good for you MOH to get her money back. Although I agree, you don’t know for sure that she wasn’t in the hospital. Could have been on fb there. You could have a heart to heart with her to try to get the whole story. Maybe that will at least make you feel better.
If she can’t fork over the money for the hen party, I would see about canceling the room, and getting your money back, even if it’ just a portion. (I would also consider telling her she can’t attend, if she can’t pay, even if you’re stuck with the room. Maybe that’s mean, but if you get the feeling she’s freeloading, at least you can put a stop to her getting something for nothing, even if you still have to pay.)
As for the MOH, I’m thinking you do still need to intervene. You certainly don’t need the stress, but your MOH doesn’t even know this girl, who you chose to be in the BP, despite some real issues. (I’m not saying you were wrong, just that I don’t see it as your MOH’s battle.) I don’t know how much $ she owes. Would MOH take her to court? (Probably not). I would say if your BM can’t pay MOH, I would suggest that you pay her to smooth things over. (Unless you really feel MOH made some truly stupid moves dealing with BM.)
I know you feel bad because she’s having a hard time, and giving some tough love would add to that. HOpefully it won’t come to that. Maybe you can talk things out. But I wouldn’t let her walk over you.
Post # 7
We were best friends in school, and are still quite close, so I didn’t ask her to be a BM out of pity – LOL it’s costing a fortune as I’m trying to look after all my girls.
I don’t know how you guys arrange hen parties in the States, but here in the UK it’s the responsibility of the MOH. So my MOH had contacted all of the girls with prices and checked they were happy with the location and the cost. All of them said yes – all of them have paid back my MOH. I guess my MOH thought it would be easier to have everything paid on the one card…
She text me this morning and said she’s broken 3 ribs – I know it sounds kinda harsh but she’s been making so many excuses I don’t know what to believe. So I contacted her hospital who don’t have any record of her…
I don’t know what she’s playing at – she knew what was involved as she’s been a BM before. I’m devastated, I’ve tried so hard to make sure none of the girls would be out of pocket, we got the trip half price in the January sales and she’s had 2 months to pay it.
What do I do? Thanks for all your comments and advice so far – I will look into recovering the cash for the room and flights…
Post # 8
I think if she told you she was having banking problems and now is resorting to making up stories about being sick, she is FLAT BROKE.
I’m sure she would love to pay your MOH back but simply can’t because she doesn’t have the money.
Suggest a payment plan. Maybe you can ask for a 1/4 of the amount or half… try to get something because SOMETHING is better than NOTHING! I think you just need to approach this in a sensitive manner and be understanding, even thought it will be hard. Money is never a fun conversation to have but the longer this goes, the harder it will be.
Post # 9
you need to confront her about ALLLLL of those things. that you are providing, that she needs to get money to your MOH, etc.
she doesn’t sound reliable, no matter what her personal situation is, she should’ve never accepted being a BM if she couldn’t live up to the responsibilities.
i think she took the position lightheartedly and actually accepted selfishly, just because she needed somethign to be excited about.. UGH.
she should repay you too!
Post # 10
Wow she shouldn’t lie about medical issues to get out of paying someone, that is so wrong. I agree with other bees about you having a talk with her telling her that you know she isn’t at the hospital and ask her what’s up. If she’s broke then she’s broke but she can arrange SOME sort of repayment schedule to your MOH or I wouldn’t allow her to go to your Hen party, find another friend that is willing to pay the cost and take her instead. Your MOH shouldn’t have to pay for another BM to do anything, it was gracious of her to even pay upfront for everyone. Whatever her situation is lying isn’t the way to go and she needs to stop lying to you and everyone else and just be honest.
Post # 11
Tough situation. I had a friend sort of like that and we are no longer friends. She didn’t have major financial problems, but was a user and a chronic liar. Not saying your friend hasn’t traveled a tough road in life, but it sounds like she’s using left and right with no intentions of repayment. Unfortunately, at this point, it sounds like your MOH is out of luck. I guess all you can do is maybe foot the bill and repay your MOH so you’re not stuck in the middle and the issue doesn’t have a negative impact on the hen party or the wedding. Good luck with everything!
Post # 12
Thanks for all your advice girls. She’s always been a bit of a liar and a user, and I did explain clearly all the obligations of being a bridesmaid. I get the girls together once every few months for lunch so they can spend a little time together as I’m having a destination wedding. I have suggested she pay my MOH back over a few months but have had no response. This girl is sick in the head and I’m furious. The reason it was booked in January was to give everyone 5 months to make the payments (incidentally – the cost of the trip is less than an overnight stay in Scotland)…
I don’t expect my BM’s to pay me for their dresses or accomodation or anything I gift to them, but I do expect them to treat me and the others with respect. I’m actually in tears in work. I know weddings bring out the worst in people, but I never thought it would be her!
Thanks for your help and please do keep it coming I’m stuck on this one…