Post # 1
Ladies – BM #6 is workin’ my last nerve and I’m officially placing her in the frenemy zone. Without getting into the epic backstory, I have a nemesis. She is a girl I was friends with in high school and then in college she essentially sabotaged my life. So, yeah, I hate her. I have hated her since college and I will always hate her. BM6 knows this as she was around when s**t went down.
Recently I hear that BM6 has started hanging out with the nemesis. They were always sort of friends – like, surface friends that never really sought each other out or kept in touch that much – but of late I hear they have been spending more time together. This pisses me off because in my mind, a friendship with me and a friendship with the nemesis are mutually exclusive things. And mutual friends of ours who know the whole scenario totally concur with that assessment.
So now, BM6 has decided to host a dinner party every month and sent out an email invite to the monthly dinner – guess who was on the dislist? My f**king nemesis. I had to reread it twice to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. When I didn’t go to the last one (I made up some excuse) she got pissy at me. I have yet to mention the nemesis is the reason because I know she will just be like “Oh, whatever. NBD.” She’s one of those people that doesn’t think about other people when she does things and I’m just sick of it. This is just the epitome of that behavior, which has been going on for years, and for me I think this dinner party thing is gonna be the straw to break the camel’s back.
So, do I say something to her about the nemesis situation or do I keep just making up excuses every month? I don’t even know how to handle this girl anymore. I wish she would just disappear.
Post # 3
Hmm. I am not going to offer one opinion because I think it 100% depends on what this nemesis did. If it was a personal issue between you two, or if it was open to interpretation whose fault the falling-out was, maybe your BM doesn’t have to cut off all contact with her forever. I don’t mean to disregard whatever she did to you, but just saying that hating someone sometimes causes one to blow things out of proportion. Again, I wasn’t there so I don’t know.
If it was really truly horrible and she repeatedly and purposefully hurt you, I think you definitely should talk to your BM. If the dinner party was a one-time or infrequent event, making excuses might be possible. But every month? Sooner or later, BM’s going to know something’s up, so better to talk to her now. Clearly she doesn’t think what she’s doing is a big deal, and she’s not going to realize this on her own.
Post # 4
As someone who was once thrown in between two friends and got sick of it let me say this:
1) Your friendship with BM6 is between you and BM6. Who and what she decides to do is part of her life and the choices she makes including the friends she chooses.
2) It’s her dinner party so she’s entitled to invite who she wants to. You have every right not to go but keep in mind if you do that your beef with your nemesis is yours and not hers.
So you can go and be civil or not go, the choice is yours and if you choose not to go I would be honest about it (that’s part of of a friendship). I would not expect her to uninvite someone that she’s been friends with because you have issues with that person. I would hope that my friends who hate each other would be able to be civil for one dinner a month.
Post # 5
Personally, I would say something to her if BM6 is good friends with you, and a friend you want to keep. Depending on what went down with the nemesis, it seems to me that friends becoming friends with enemies falls into the same â€œno dating friendâ€™s ex-boyfriendsâ€ sort of rule pile. It would definitely bug me tons if a true friend of mine befriended someone who hurt me enough for me to hate them years later.
About the dinner situation, if it were me, I would e-mail BM6 something like â€œsorry BM6, but I have no interest in spending time with Nemesisâ€ you could either leave it at that, or say that you have no reason to believe Nemesis has changed from the negative, manipulative person she was in the past, and thatâ€™s why you donâ€™t want to spend time with her. I donâ€™t think you can just ignore the invite each month, though, especially if it lasts more than a month or two.
Post # 6
You can’t pick who your BM is friends with. But you are certainly under NO obligation to participate in activities that the nemesis will be at. Is your BM just trying to have you all make nice after all these years? Maybe you just need to be upfront and say “If you wan to be friends with “Nemesis” I can’t change that, but I hope you can understand that I don’t like her and stop trying to get us to hang out”.
Post # 7
I agree with MAlove. As much as it will annoy you that your friend is also friends with that girl, it has nothing to do with you and you need to put that in the past. Your friendship with BM is your friendship. BM’s friendship with your enemy is BM’s friendship.
When I say this, it’s going to come out harsh and I don’t mean it to – but mind your own business regarding their friendship. If you see the enemy girl, be cordial and be the bigger person. Don’t make comments about BM being friends with her since that isn’t any of your concern.
Post # 8
I think it’s totally okay to say, “You know, I’m not going to come to your dinner because I’m really not comfortable around So-and-So and I don’t want to make your dinner awkward. But, let’s you and me get together and have dinner Friday?”
I’d never make one of my friends hang out with another friend I know they didn’t dislke…..it’s so awkward for everyone…the tension gets so thick even if nobody says anything
Post # 9
Ughhhh, I have a sort of parallel situation. I was best best best best friends with this girl in college. There were 10 of us that comprised our general group of friends but she and I were closest to each other.
After college, she just stopped communicating with me. No warning, no nothing, just stopped answering my calls, emails, etc. To this day I have no idea what happened.
I wish I could just shut this girl out of my life. Thinking about her makes me sad and angry. However, all my close friends from college are STILL FRIENDS WITH HER. We get invited to the same things all the time. Fortunately for me, she usually “can’t make it” because she’s wrapped up in her own life, but when we’re in the same room together, it’s SO AWKWARD. I tried to say hi to her, and she turned her head like she didn’t see me. We’re 26 years old, people!
Additionally, I suspect that sometimes my friends make plans with our “group” and don’t include me but do include her. But that’s a story for another day.
Onto your issue, this does create a super-awkward situation, even as adults! Talk to BM6 and let her know what’s up. Maybe she’s just kind of oblivious to how weird this situation is. But if you have to go, be cordial and put the ball in her court. If she ignores you/acts like a child (like my ex-friend) then she’s the one in the wrong, not you.
Post # 10
I think it’s okay to say to her that you don’t want to go to the dinner because that person is invited and if she asks why, gently remind her about what she did to you. I agree that with serious fall outs you can’t be friends with both people. I hope this girl is just dumb and not intentionally trying to hurt you.
Post # 11
This is going to sound kind of harsh, but whatever friendship they want to have is between them. No one remembers when someone does something to someone else, exactly how that person felt–she is obviously trusting that this girl won’t do it to her. I say let her have her friendship and you just tell her you’d like to get together with her for dinner at a different time.
Again, like someone else said, it really does depend on what this girl did, though.
Post # 12
The ex and I had a very bad breakup after over 6 years of dating, and we wreaked havoc on many of our mutual friends’ lives in the process. Not forcing them to take sides was one of the hardest things for me to do. I wanted to take everything from him and make him suffer because I hated him so much for what he did to me. But in the end, I left it alone. It wasn’t worth it, and it would have hurt my friends even more. What happened between us happened between us–he didn’t wrong any of our friends. He wronged me. There’s a big difference, and no one but the two of us knew what he did.
The ex and I were both invited to be in a wedding this past summer. I ignored him completely and had a great time. I also made it a point not to bring my fiance, because that day wasn’t about me. It was about celebrating the marriage of 2 of my closest friends. It would have made ME the bad friend to make a big deal about it.
I think you should just let your friend know why you won’t be attending her dinner parties without blaming her, getting mad, or trying to get the enemy disinvited. But it does work both ways–you shouldn’t get mad at her for inviting the enemy any more than she should get mad at you for not attending. It’s about mutual respect and understanding.
Post # 13
I hear everyone who said that you can’t control other people’s friendships and I’m not trying to do that. I would never tell someone who they can and can’t be friends with. It’s just kind of hard for me to understand why, out of the blue, she has started hanging out with this girl again. My MOH (a mutual friend) thinks BM6 is doing it out of spite because I haven’t been spending as much time with her as I used to and she knows how much I hate nemesis girl. I’m not entirely convinced this is the case, although it does fit her personality to pull something passive aggressively manipulative and shady like that. Regardless, I might just say – look, I have no interest in ever being in the same room with nemesis voluntarily, but I’d be down to come to any of the dinners she isn’t coming to so let me know if she’s not coming. It may sound petty to some of you, but if you knew the whole story (way too epic to post), you’d understand why I can’t just do the cordial thing.
My one concern in approaching it that way is that BM6 will front like she doesn’t know why it is such a big deal and try to turn it around on me like I’m avoiding hanging out with her. That will set me off because she DOES know. She’s the type – and I don’t know if any of you have a friend like this – who has a selective memory when it comes to stuff like this. Like, if a certain situation doesn’t fit with her idea of how things should be and what she wants to do, she just doesn’t acknowledge the reality of the situation. It’s beyond frustrating because in her mind she’s never in the wrong about anything.
Post # 14
UPDATE: I followed the hive’s advice and mentioned VERY NICELY AND CALMLY to BM6 that, while I would love to attend her dinner parties, I don’t really care to spend time with nemesis and asked her to let me know if she would be in attendance or not so I could plan accordingly. Her response was, predictably, rude and selfish. She rolled her eyes and told me to “get the f**k over it” – though tempted to get into it with her, i was the bigger person and just restated what my decision was – I’m sorry you feel that way about the situation but I’m not comfortable coming to any dinner parties if she is there.
At this point, I’m really for the most part uninterested in continuing my friendship with BM6 and I’m stuck now. All our mutual friends and my FI think that I should dump her from the wedding because she’s a horrible person and a toxic friend but I can’t bring myself to do it and then have to deal with the drama that will ensue. But, like, I don’t want her at the bachelorette, I don’t want her at any shower, I don’t want to get ready with her before the wedding. I just don’t want her around. She’s selfish and rude and makes everything about her and what she wants and I just can’t deal anymore. Sigh. Vent over.
Post # 15
Hmm.. well, before your update I agreed with the above posters who said it isn’t right to say your friendship is mutually exclusive. Coming from a person who has been and currently is ‘in the middle’ of friendships gone bad, it is a super tough position to be in and everyone’s relationship is different.
However, I never agreed that it was okay for BM6 to invite BOTH of you to the dinner parties. She should have known better. That actually is a situation where she either needs to choose which one of you she likes better and invite that person first, OR try to get you two together to reconcile. It’s just common sense. Unless she loves drama and drama is actually on the guest list.
But you were right to tell her your reason for not coming to the dinner party. And also perfectly resonable to request that she tell you if Nemesis would be coming in the future. Her reaction says to me that she is a little selfish and is refusing to realize her mistake in this situation. I don’t know about dumping her from the wedding party unless you really think she’s out to hurt you, that is kind of extreme. Your wedding isn’t until August, fortunately you have some time to see how the situation plays out. Maybe she will calm down and apologize for the dinner party situation, or you two can agree to disagree and go on with your friendship otherwise.
Post # 16
You have every right to be upset with the situation… but here is some food for thought… you’ve been holding on to this hurt and drama since college (5 years?). What good is it doing you or anyone else?
I don’t know what this girl did to you, so obviously I don’t know the extent of the hurt, but it would probably be better for YOU if you tried to let it go. Especially since it seems to be creeping into your relationships with your friends.
One additional thought: you mentioned that you and BM6 have mutual friends. If you cut BM6 out of your life or stop being friends with her, you might be starting the same situation over again with a different nemesis.