Post # 1
I am in the middle of wedding planning. My fiance and I are both so excited! During the course of our engagment, my fiances sister married her husband, who is very affluent, and so are my fiances parents. Neither my fiance nor me have that kind of money. I have just finished up grad school and he is transitioning into a different career. We do fine, but we are having to attend and be mindful of budget. My parents are helping, but they are modest and frugal people. I think that our wedding will capture what we want it capture. Moreover, just because we can’t have a 70,000 wedding IT DOESN’T MAKE US INADEQUATE, OR LESS OF WHO/WHAT WE ARE.
Since my future sis in law has gotten married, I have noticed that I am being offered items from her wedding (which just happened a couple of months ago, my wedding is about 7 mo away)–her broach bouquet, which needs slight repair, but I am welcome to. Despite having a wedding dress I adore, I have been offered an expensive reception dress (which many of our guests will recognize given they will have attended both of our weddings), which she had altered to fit her (WE HAVE VERY DIFFERENT SHAPES), place holders for name cards, etc. We have very different styles and I am not destitute. I don’t understand how her hand me downs are supposed to help me. I have also noticed that her ring went from being about a carat when first engaged to 1.5 carats just before the wedding. I have been complimented on my *smaller* ring in the wake of her enlargement.
SO, Hive, what the heck? I can’t help but think some of these things are backhanded. Also my future mother in law has stated she has already bought her dress for our wedding and has not even spoken with my mom about this. SHE JUST DID IT.
Any advice on how to address this??? My fiance is oblivious given these things are not spoken about when he is around.
Post # 3
Honestly I think you’re overreacting. You don’t have to love your ILs, but you’ll do well if you go out of your way to try NOT to be offended by them and give them the benefit of the doubt in situations like these.
Usually for a wedding, you end up buying a lot of one time use items and have nothing to do with them afterwards. They are probably just trying to help you out by offering things that your SIL will have no use for now that the wedding is over. If you don’t want some of these things, a polite “No thank you” should suffice.
Regarding the dress issue, your FMIL is a grown woman and doesn’t need to consult anyone about what she’s wearing to her son’s wedding. If she’s bought the dress and it’s appropriate, relax and be glad that it’s one thing off your to-do list.
Post # 4
I’m sure that the offer of those items was done only in kindness, and not in a back handed way. They are probably just going to sell them or throw them out, so they thought they would offer them to you first. My friend who got married recently emailed me and listed a whole ton of stuff she thought I might want to use – she is more well off than I am, but she didn’t mean anything bad by it. Just that I might be able to use them too.
Also, I am sure that the compliments on your ring are genuine. Her ring size has nothing to do with your ring.
Maybe there is some back story that I am not getting, though?
Post # 5
It sounds like YOU are the one who has hang-ups about money, not the other way around.
I wouldn’t assume that your FI’s sister’s hand-me-downs have anything to do with differences in financial status. For one, most brides LOVE the little details from their weddings–their dress, their bouquet, etc. etc. and if they’re going to pass that stuff on, if they pass it on at all, they’re only going to offer them to people that they care about. She might be offering all these things to you not because she thinks you’re destitute, but because she wants you to feel welcomed into the family, or to forge a relationship with you. I, for one, think that it’s a pretty nice statement that your FSIL is offering you her dress BECAUSE you have different shapes and that means that she’s aware that if you accepted her offer, you would be altering her dress.
So she decided to get her ring upgraded. That’s her business and it’s not her fault if others wish to compare your rings (which is really stupid and annoying, but happens). If people have complimented your engagement ring as “smaller,” so what? For one, it IS smaller. And two, if you like your e-ring, then that’s all that counts. Let other people’s problems be their problems.
So MIL bought a dress already. My MIL did this a year in advance of our nuptials as well. She found a dress that she happened to love a year in advance–how often is it that YOU find the perfect dress? When you do, you buy it. I’d be surprised if MIL wasn’t practicing the same practicality. If she bought a black-tie dress and you guys decide to have a country-rustic wedding, then so be it. She’ll deal. I’m also not clear on why she would have to consult with your mom–my MIL and my mother never talked fashion before our wedding. The mothers don’t have to match, and considering they probably look different and are comfortable in different styles, why would they?
Check out your own post–you have a lot in there that is immediately on the defensive about money (justifying not spending $70K on a wedding, claiming you’re not destitute), which suggests that money, for you, is a big part of your frame of mind right now and is coloring how you see the world. Take a step back and take a deep breath. It makes much better sense, both for your own sanity and becuase it’s probably true, that your FSIL is offering stuff from her wedding because she really likes you and that your MIL purchased a dress because she’s excited about your wedding!
Post # 6
Hey, don’t listen to the haters…I get why you feel weird about it, but I don’t think she’s deliberately trying to make you feel badly. I would take what she offered if I could use it, or jazz up the stuff with potential and politely decline the rest saying simply that it’s all been taken care of…..deep breaths, it’s ok.
Post # 7
She is probably just being nice. Also just because you have money doesn’t mean you aren’t thrifty or into wasting stuff!
Post # 8
most people offer things to be nice, rather than seeing other people as a charity case!! in a “hey, i have all these things ill never use again, youre welcome to them if you want them”. i think youre overreacting
and your MIL doesnt need to consult anyone about the dress she chooses to wear, let alone your mother!! i dont see the problem, sorry
Post # 9
I agree with most PP, I think you are overreacting. It sounds like she is offering these things to be nice, not to be backhanded. If you don’t want them, just decline! Honestly most of the things she offered I would probably take advantage of, other than the dress.
As far as her upgrading her ring, that is her business, and I wouldn’t assume just because she now has a large ring that she is making and digs at yours. DH has a cousin who has a ginormous ring, and I didn’t think she was making fun of mine when she complemented it. I think you are just being overly sensitive because you are uncomfortable having less money than them.
Yeah, your FMIL shouldn’t have picked out a dress yet, but did it occur to you that the last wedding she was part of she was MOB, so maybe she didn’t realize that traditionally MOB picks first and should be consulted with? If the MOG at her daughter’s wedding didn’t consult with her, she may not know!
Calm down, you are jumping to conclusions, and this could ruin your relationship with your in laws before your marriage even starts. Try not to feel insecure/inadequate, and try taking things at face value. They don’t sound like they have done anything to warrant this hostility!
Post # 10
I doubt they are doing it to be mean…
It sounds like they’re just offering – and considering that they know that you guys are transitioning careers etc., I think it’s really nice. Just because you are making less doesn’t make you lesser than them in any way.
Don’t jump to conclusions. Accept what you wan’t and reject what you don’t.
FWIW, I make around 4x what my FSIL makes, and she offered me a white strapless party dress to wear to the rehearsal in case I didn’t want to spend more on something I might not wear again.
I thought it was nice…but then, I don’t have any type of insecurity about money.
Post # 11
I am like you and would get sick of being asked if I wanted hand me downs from another wedding; however, I wouldn’t spend any of your precious time dwelling on it. Politely decline offers for hand me downs (unless of course you are interested) but express how kind it is for them to offer.
I got tired of people insisting I use their old card boxes and ended up spending $90 on one I really loved from Etsy. To avoid everyone having a fit I told those trying to give me their boxes that my bridesmaids had all chipped in and bought me the box I loved…I know a little untruthful but it ended all the pestering once and for all. If I had said I bought the box myself they’d start saying I wasted my money.
Post # 12
sorry. but i also agree she is just being nice. there is nothing wrong with reusing items. just last week my mom was asking what i planned on doing with all the stuff from my wedding and i said i would sell anything i could. my sister overheard and said she wants some stuff before i try to sell it. its not unheard of to reuse things from one wedding to the next. its smart.