Friend advice needed

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Shelby81:  I would start off with an apology that looks something like this “Hey J, I just wanted to apologize for not being there when you needed me. I didn’t really know what to do, and I tried my best. What can I do to be there for you now?”

This is where she should have an idea. Maybe meeting up without the kids or having a playdate or getting lunch together or taking a walk. Whatever she suggests, try to make it work. If she has to cancel, reschedule or change the location to her house so you can hang out and the kids are still being monitored.

Then, after that, if you want, you can bring up how you have been hurt as well. “This past year has been really tough for me as well. My dad’s illness and death really took a toll on me. I would really love it if we could have a phone date at least once a week to chat and catch up. (or whatever other suggestion you have that will make you feel supported and loved) I really love our phone convos.”

Being friends with someone who is depressed is hard because their illness makes it impossible to get out of the house sometimes. She may be cancelling plans and not calling because of her illness and try to be as understanding as possible (its sounds like you are very understanding, just a reminder.)

Good luck. True friends can work through things like this and it sounds like you miss having her in your life.

Post # 4
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Shelby81:  Ugh, I wish I had some real advice for you.  It can be so sad to feel a friendship die (though maybe this isn’t the case here).  Maybe if you are both able to agree to start fresh and sweep past hurts under the rug (nothing sounds malicious, just each of you being busy with your own concerns), you can set the stage for a more low maintenance friendship, e.g. online only for a while.  I think it’s okay to recognize that your old style of friendship pre-kids just isn’t working for your lifestyles right now.  All I can really suggest is to go into tomorrow night with an open heart and don’t fall into attacking each other.

As an aside, has she looked into treatment for clinical depression?  I know people who have the disease and it can be a real personality changer.  Her anger over the video of your daughter is what tips me off the most — it seems to be an extreme reaction.  Then again, if you’re still walking on eggshells it may be hard to discuss with her.

Post # 5
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Shelby81:  Can you alone fix this?? No.  But you both can work to fix the friendship that has been damaged!!

If you breakdown her ‘side’ vs. your ‘side’, you both have very valid reasons for hurt feelings, and the strain it has put on – what seems to be – a very important friendship for you both.  I feel that although the feelings of ickiness you have toward one another are real, you both could acknowledge you are projecting hurts from other aspects of your life into it as well.  You are grieving an impossible loss, while trying to learn/adapt to a newer role as a mother.  She is depressed and angry at a non-existant husband, while trying to maintain a role to a mother of three.  

On top of it, your lives today are expontentially different than your lives when you first met!!  I think from here, it will be important to move from the past, and forgive one another without naming all the times the other was to blame for being a ‘bad friend’.  

Discuss what it is you both need and want, or even how to address immediate hurt feelings right away, without them accummulating over time, which is I think where you both are today!

Sitting down to talk is HUGE.  I think you will find that after the immediate, or should I say hopeful, apologies from what has been, this dinner will be a great way to re-connect with a friend and start on ‘fresh’ foot.  A dinner where you realize that the other is still there, and you can vent, cry, laugh, etc.  And, I say all of this, because I have had to do it in my past with very important people in my life, whom are still best friends of mine today!!  Good luck!

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