Post # 1
So I need some opinions here on how to react and/or handle this little situation.
I logged onto facebook an hour ago and saw I had a message. When I opened it, I saw that it was from one of my platonic guy friends whom I’ve known for years.
Anyway, 3 years ago before I was dating my current fiance, this guy friend of mine asked if we could meet up for coffee so that he could give me a gift to “show how much my friendship means to him”. Sure, whatever I said. So we met up and he handed me a little bag. I opened it up and it was a HUGE purple amethyst ring that he said he had crafted for me.
I was a little taken aback at the extravagance of the gift, however I still accepted it and thanked him for being so thoughtful.
Fast forward 3 years later to TODAY…and I get a message from him asking if I still ever wear the ring now that I am engaged, and if I could give him the ring (the one he gave me) back!!
Please note…this guy was NEVER a boyfriend or even a date in any way, shape or form. I’ve never dated him nor even remotely considered him someone I’d ever be willing to pursue a relationship with, so I just wanted to clear some misperceptions there. And yes, I do understand that his gesture could have been indicative of romantic interest, however regardless, I never asked for the ring. He said it was something he liked to do for all of his friends; whether that’s true or not was besides the point, but the fact was, I accepted it as a gift with no strings attached on my part for a relationship.
So my question is, how do I reply to this? I honestly think it’s a bit tacky to ask someone to return a gift, or else really it was never a gift to begin with. I can’t help but wonder if there’s some jealousy involved.
What to do?
Post # 2
I doubt there’s jealousy involved. It sounds like he wants it back to give to someone else. Is that tacky as hell? Yep. But seeing as it was probably given with romantic intentions and you knew this and took it anyway, I’d give it back.
Post # 3
Are you still friends with him?
It’s weird, but depending on the current state of that relationship I would consider just giving it back to avoid drama. Probably via a 3rd party.
Post # 4
Vitana: So odd. You should just give it back to be rid of this weirdo lol
Post # 5
WOW, I bet you felt totally blindsided by this request! Though clearly no fault of your own, this guy obviously harbored romantic feelings towards you when he gave you the ring, even if he wasn’t fully conscious of them at the time. Now that you’re engaged, he may think of you having the ring as a slap in the face even though he claimed it was a “gesture of friendship” and you received it as such.
Your actions will depend on what you want to happen with this relationship. You’re well within your rights to tell him to go jump in the lake with regard to his request; he gave you the ring, so it’s your property and has been for three years. If you value the friendship and hope to put all of this behind you, however, you might consider giving it back. Either way, you should definitely have an honest conversation with this person about what the ring meant to you then, and what you assumed it meant to him, too, so that you can clear the air. It sounds like you have been friends for years and it might be worth trying to salvage the friendship!
Post # 6
MrsYokiman: with regards to so-called romantic intentions, he actually even had a girlfriend at the time too. Which would also negate the whole romantic intentions thing, because I would never date a guy who was that creepy and giving other girls gifts while he had a girlfriend. Plus he put me on the spot about it too at the time he gave it to me.
But really THREE YEARS later? I mean what is the point of that? If he wanted it back a month after the fact, fine. But whats the point of asking about it 3 plus years down the road?
Post # 7
Vitana: I would ignore it. If you see him in person, or he contacts you by phone, I’d just tell him no and let the chips fall where they may. (The nerve of someone asking for a 3 year old gift back. He can take several seats.)
Post # 8
I would keep it. I’d tell him that you took it as a gift of friendship and you’re rather offended that he would ask for it back 3 years later.
Or just tell him to go kick rocks.
Post # 9
Vitana: I would never date a guy who was that creepy and giving other girls gifts while he had a girlfriend.
Yet you took a gift from this “creepy” guy? If this is a gift from a “creep” who is “giving other girls gifts while he had a girlfriend” just give the ring back. Do you really want a gift from a “creep”? Also, I find it weird that you considered yourself friends with a guy whom at the time you considered a creep, I know I am not friends with people I consider creeps… Also… knowing that he had a girlfriend you agreed to meet up with him so he could give you a gift to show you what your friendship meant to him. I don’t see how this is putting you on the spot. You knew damn well he wanted to give you a gift. You just didn’t know what the gift was. If it was so creepy why would you agree to meet up with him so that he could give you this gift?
this guy friend of mine asked if we could meet up for coffee so that he could give me a gift to “show how much my friendship means to him”.<br /><br /><br />
Post # 10
Vitana: Yikes, he had a girlfriend? Even so, there is no doubt in my mind that his intentions were romantic.
I agree with PPs: yes it is incredibly tacky, but yes I’d still return it.
p.s. I own a ring which I received in very similar circumstances. He’s never asked for it back. But if he did, I’d return it. Come to think of it, I’d try to find a way to return it without meeting for long, e.g. “I take the train to the city. If you’re at city station at 8.20 I’ll give it to you on the way to work”.
Post # 11
- Wedding: A very pretty church.
Vitana: Yuck, how weird and tacky. I probably wouldn’t want it after all that but depending on how annoyed I was I would play dumb and get him to explain why. Make him squirm (and pay for shipping and insurance).
Post # 12
KristaMay: Sweet lord in heaven woman, you need to chill the hell out. I didn’t consider him a creep at the time. It was after the ring present that I started to see him in a less than favorable light.
This guy was not just a random dude. This was someone I had been friends with for YEARS. Long before other girlfriends. I had no idea what the gift was, if it were a book, or a coffee, etc. He also said it was a belated birthday present as well (he had given me birthday gifts for years before that, so it’s not like this was anything THAT strange). But the fact that it was a RING, when he had a girlfriend, was what made it all suddenly creepy to me. It was AFTER the fact, that I started seeing him as an untrustworthy and dishonorable guy. But that doesn’t make me the bad for for still accepting it as a gift in that very moment.
But I love how you jump all over judging me as if Im somehow in the wrong here, when you are entirely missing the point.
Post # 13
KristaMay: I think you’re being a bit harsh. I can’t speak for OP, but when I was in a very similar situation I was (a) put on the spot and didn’t know how to react, and (b) young and naive. There’s a big difference between agreeing to accept a gift, and agreeing to date someone.
Post # 14
Vitana: I feel like you keep changing your story. When the idea that there were romantic intentions behind the gift, and that you took the present despite the fact, you immediately brought up that he had a girlfriend and called him a creep, as if to defend your choices. You said you would never date him because he was a creep that gave gifts to other girls when he had a girlfriend. You never mentioned it was a belated birthday present. You said it was a gift for being his friend. Then you said you were put on the spot.
It just seemed like you were, and still are, making up excuses/changing/adding details. I told you, if the ring was from someone you considered creepy (your words, not mine) then give it back. Do you really want a gift from someone who is a creep? If the ring is a creepy gift, why keep it?
Post # 15
aussiemum1248: My point was, before she continued to make up excuses (birthday gift now, instead of “gift for being friends”), she said “Which would also negate the whole romantic intentions thing, because I would never date a guy who was that creepy and giving other girls gifts while he had a girlfriend. Plus he put me on the spot about it too at the time he gave it to me.”
She was saying she accepted the gift, at the time, because she felt romantic intentions were not in question since he had a girlfriend and “because she would never date a guy who was that creepy”. Meaning, I read it as she thought he was creepy and therefore wouldn’t date him. I just hate it when women pretend that they don’t realize a guy likes them, does something like this, and then doesn’t own up to the fact that they realized it. Sure, make mistakes when you’re younger, but don’t pretend like you don’t realize it when you’re older. Saying “Sure, he might have liked me, and sure I probably shouldn’t have accepted a gift that could possibly be given with romantic intentions, but I did because I was young… now I’m in this situation though…” is a lot different than trying to make up excuses as to why he couldn’t POSSIBLY have had romantic intentions.
I see she edited her response that I replied to saying she didn’t find him creepy then… yet her wording indicated that the reason she wouldn’t consider dating him was that she found it creepy he would give gifts (not rings, just gifts in general) to other girls when he wasn’t single. Apparently she didn’t mean it that way, but when I read it, that is the way I took it. Seemed weird to me.