Post # 1
So I’m asking you ladies! My friend called me for advice because her boyfriend has said he wants them to move in together and she was heading over to have a talk with him about it. She had already told him no when he first brought it up, and said that it was because it didn’t make logistical sense–he already lives far away from his job and moving in with her (which is what they would do since he currently lives with his parents) would put him even further away, giving him a terrible commute. I pointed out that that wasn’t necessarily a good reason not to move in with someone if you want to live with them, and she then explained to me that she was just scared and didn’t want to make the wrong decision and wasn’t sure if it was the right thing and she was worried what her parents would think and that to her moving in means that they’re moving forward and it’s the same level of commitment as engagement. Then she said that she was sure it would be fine and this was just a normal reaction to something that’s a big deal, right?
Well, I really don’t know. When FI and I moved in together, I didn’t feel any of that. It was something we talked about for about a year before we actually did it, and the only reason it didn’t happen sooner was because previous living arrangements were already made and paid for. We were very happy and it just seemed like a natural progression. But I don’t know if I’m the weird one or if she is! So, I’m coming to you guys for some perspective. How did you feel when you were having this conversation with your SO? Were you scared? Nervous? Excited? Calm? And if you were feeling like my friend is feeling….did it turn out well or did your instincts prove to be correct?
Post # 3
I think moving in together is a really big deal. Sometimes even bigger than an engagement (it’s easier to break off an engagement than to move out of your home). If she has this many doubts I think it’s too soon. She will resent him if he pushes it and then she’s unhappy. Not being ready to move in with someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love them.. you’re just not ready. Make sure she explains that to her BF so he understands her side and his feelings aren’t too hurt!
Post # 4
I think it is a big deal, especially if you aren’t engaged yet. By sharing a place, you are intertwining your lives together and if something were to happen, it would be more difficult to break up than if you didn’t live together.
Post # 5
I think it depends on the person. My FI asked me to move in with him about a year into the relationship. I got really upset and told him that the only way I would ever move in with him is when I was MARRIED to him. He thought I was old fashioned lol but now that we are engaged he says it was the best decision NOT to move in back then because we weren’t ready to commit and it might have ended in us breaking up. He also says that if we had been living together getting married would have been less exciting.
Post # 6
It is a big decision but one you should be excited about. FH and I talked about it for a few months before it happened. We were both excited about it and calm. Neither one of us had doubts because by that time we both knew that we were on the road to marriage. It just seemed natural. Plus he was already spending most of his time at my house anyways so he was practically living there as it was.
Post # 7
I think I was a lot more excited than nervous or uncertain. We had been dating 2.5 years and we had been planning on moving in for a while before it happened (wasn’t a sudden spur of the moment thing).
If she’s really unsure, it might not be the right time, in my opinion.
If she hasn’t already had a frank discussion with him about “what this means,” then that’s probably something she’ll want to do before moving forward with it. It means whatever the 2 of them agree it means. It doesn’t have to mean you are “practically engaged” unless both people want it to mean that.
Post # 8
I’ve never been stressed about moving in with someone, but it does make breaking up REALLY hard, since you’ve combined your posessions, your finances (to a degree), and your social life. I completely understand where she’s coming from, I think her reaction is not only normal, but healthy! Good for her for thinking ahead!
Post # 9
It sounds like she’s not ready. Not everyone considers moving in together a big deal (we did it after 2 months, I was 21 and marriage wasn’t a consideration at all, it just seemed like a good idea) but obviously your friend does. They just need to talk it out I think. It will always be a bit scary but I think she should take her time to decide if it’s scary because it’s the wrong decision, or scary because it’s a big deal. They aren’t the same thing 🙂
Post # 10
I agree with the other posters. Moving in together is a big deal, but it shouldn’t feel like a huge decision. It seems like things work best when they happen organically, rather than forcing it.
Of course, if she is just scared, that is something she should think about and talk about with her boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with saying, “This is a big thing. I am concerned about what would happen if it doesn’t work out (or if it does work out!). What does this signify to you, if anything?”
Hope it works out. 🙂
Post # 11
I also agree, I think that it should feel like a natural progression rather than a scary huge decision. I think that she should just discuss her feelings with her boyfriend. Talking through the possible situations that are bothering her might calm her down, and wouldn’t it be better to talk about it now rather than when all the furnature is moved in?
My boyfriend and I just moved in with each other last week after two years of dating. It just felt calm and right, it was exactly what we wanted. The only negative emotion I have is guilt; I feel like this will turn me into a “grown up” and I don’t want to stop being my parents little girl. I know that kind of sounds crazy, but I don’t want them to feel like I don’t need them anymore (even though they always tell me they ust want me to be happy). We aren’t engaged yet, and although it’s a big committment, I don’t think anyone expects us to be engaged because of it. I think they’d more expect it becuase of how close we are and how long we’ve been dating. It just seems like the next logical step.
Post # 12
I don’t want to live with my SO because I’m really excited about merging our lives after we get married. I’m a traditionalist in the whole “him carrying me through the doorway for the first time” blah blah blah bit. I currently own my own condo, and I’m not willing to share right now either. haha Maybe that’s selfish.
Not to mention our southern conservative families wouldn’t be totally on board with the whole “living in sin” (their words, not mine!).
Post # 13
We talked about it a year before we ended up moving in together, and I think we had enough anxiety about it (for various reasons) that we decided not to. By the following year, we were quite ready and very excited to move in together. It is a big step, especially if you aren’t engaged/married yet – so I think its better to be cautious then to jump in if you have reservations. If they move in together and break up that is SO hard and if they wait and end up getting engaged later – well they have their whole lives to live together!
Post # 14
I think it is a big deal. It obviously seems like she has worries, so she needs to identify exactly what they are; maybe she is afraid he will never propose if they live together, maybe she isnt ready for this guys to be ‘the one’ yet… either way she needs to think hard before allowing him to move in
Post # 15
Moving in was very natural and easy for me. I didn’t have any doubts about it. I knew we were headed toward engagement/marriage eventually. I wouldn’t marry someone without living with them first, but I also wouldn’t move in with someone that I didn’t feel sure about…if that makes sense.
It’s hard to say what is “normal,” but I think if your friend is having these types of doubts/anxieties it might mean that she is not ready to move in with him yet.
Post # 16
Honestly I think it depends on the person. i lived with my ex for almost 3 years and when we broke up it was rough.. thank goodness I own my house myself and his name was nowhere on it. With my current SO we thought about me moving to Pittsburgh with him, but I told him I wasnt comfortable with it until we are engaged atleast and he totally understood.