Friend backed out of bridesmaid role because it means focusing on me too much!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What would you do?
    Message her and tell her how selfish she was being and how could she! : (0 votes)
    Message her and calmly discuss what happened just to get closure, then end the friendship. : (6 votes)
    9 %
    Thank my lucky stars she bailed before anything important happened and move on. : (57 votes)
    85 %
    Other (explain below) : (4 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    3016 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    Your friend has more than “anxiety” problems.  I wouldn’t make an issue out of her backing out– she seems really unstable, to say the least. I would ask yourself if you really want to carry on a friendship with someone this unstable, because it is a big commitment.  Other than that… I say move on from the whole bridesmaid thing and don’t blame her for what is clearly a mental illness or something serious.

    Post # 3
    Member
    42469 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    tattiibee:  It’s always hard not to take it personally when someone drops out of your wedding, but frankly I think you dodged a bullet.

    This was your first mistake:

    I, of course, asked her to be one of my bridesmaids and she said yes.

    She is not stable enough to be a bridesmaid. The fact that she dropped out merely because she is in a new relationship is evidence of that.

    If she remained a bridesmaid you would be dealing with non- responses, no-shows etc throughout the whole wedding process.

    Count your blkessings and move on.

    Post # 4
    Member
    8720 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Move on

    Post # 5
    Member
    1387 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

     

    tattiibee:  I’m sorry you are going through this, especially during what’s supposed to be a happy time!  Honestly, it sounds like your “friend” is going through whatever she’s going through and I would personally just leave it be.  If you want to be friends with her, you could respond but it is 5 months later so at this point it might be awkward.  I would respond with a phone call, also, not a FB message.

    If you are ready to let this friendship go, I would say thank your lucky stars this didn’t happen farther into your wedding planning, and not contact her at all.  It’s better to have happened now than 2 months (or weeks) before the wedding.

    Good luck!

    Post # 6
    Member
    1119 posts
    Bumble bee

    Research anxiety. I have a friend with anxiety who struggles to visit people because she gets so worried by being in new places etc even with people she’s known for years.  I’d neved ask her to be a in a position where everyone would look at her etc as it’s nerve racking enough without anxiety problems. Also, being in a relationship with someone supportive can be anxiety relieving.  Months of waiting to be a bridesmaid can be massively anxiety increasing and maybe she told you on Facebook because she was scaref of a face to face meeting with potential confrontation/stress/an upset friend. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    3199 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    i think it was noble of your friend to be honest with you and say she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid because she needs to get well. she obviously felt as a bridesmaid she should be spending a lot of energy lavishing attention on you, which shows she’s a kind and considerate friend. try being supportive of the struggle she’s going through rather than focusing on it from the perspective of your wedding. considering the fact that she’s struggling with anxiety, i think it’s pretty textbook that she sent you a facebook message to tell you.

    it’s not really your business when she gets into or out of relationships, or with whom, unless it’s extremely toxic and abusive. having someone to lean on may help her heal, what more can you want for your friend?

    Post # 9
    Member
    1119 posts
    Bumble bee

     

    tattiibee: Obviously I put ‘being looked at’ as a lazy coverall for all the attention/pressure etc that goes with being a BM and I was simply offering an alternative perspective based on the wording of a couple of points in your original post which may have come across differently to how you intended them but I can only go off the paragraphs provided and my interpretation

    Post # 10
    Member
    943 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    tattiibee:  Aside from the rest of the story, she hasn’t reached out to you in 5 months, so I would cut your losses and move on. She sounds like a selfish person.

    Post # 11
    Member
    5008 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    tattiibee:  I totally get feeling like you have no “closure” but I would just drop it and let it go. Clearly she isn’t interested in being your friend, and obviously she wasnt doing a very good job when she was in your life.

    I have a friend – kind of similar to yours – that I dropped last year. She never was happy for me when I was in a relationship (didn’t get why I wouldnt go to the club and pick up men still), wasn’t supportive of me at all, and ended up being a horrible friend when something tragic happened to me. I chose to just let it go – just slowly stopped talking to her and she never questioned it. We havent talked now in almost 2 years. 

    I totally get the whole needing closure thing – because sometimes I feel like I should have told her why I no longer wanted to talk to her/talked it through…and I didn’t. We had been friends since 13 years old ( we are now 27 ) so it was kind of sad to me to lose her. However..she clearly didn’t give a shit because she never even texted me wondering why we no longer talked/or asked to get together.

    Seriously though…just let it go. She is not worth your time.

    Post # 12
    Member
    837 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club

    tattiibee:  Sounds like your friend has a lot of things to deal with. And i think this would have saved you a lot of anxiety and stress with whatever drama she would have put onto you during the wedding planning process.

    Post # 14
    Member
    6273 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    you knew she was like this since she has acted this way before.  who need drama in their life.  she sounds very immature. be happy she dropped out and you didn’t have to kick her out and move on.

     

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