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I know it's dissapointing, but something this small doesn't seem worth questioning a friendship over, especially since she is not one of your bridesmaids.
Maybe because she's not in the bridal party, she doesn't think she's as important to you, and won't be missed. Just forget about it, and focus on those who are coming to celebrate with you. Like chexmixDC said, it's totally not worth questioning a friendship over.
Sorry...I am going to have to disagree with the other posters. I would be totally hurt too and you cannot help to feel the way you do. I couldn't just say "Oh well, she can't come whatever". We are human beings and therefore have feelings. And yes, I think your friendship could come into question because I know that I would move heaven and earth to be there for someone I was close to and especially a good friend. Just because she is not a bridesmaid doesn't mean this event is "not as important" if she were one. You were there for her and it does suck when they can't or won't do the same for you.
@futureMrs.L: thank you!! i was going to reply to the first 2 posters but i was beginning to question myself for feeling hurt. Who cares if she's not a BM? I have been close friends with her for 7 years and to put in the time and effort to help her enjoy her day just a mere 2 months ago...it really puts things into perspective in my mind and i definitely won't forget something like this.
I don't think it matters if she's in the bridal party or not. She's your friend, and she said she'd come (even asked to bring an uninvited friend along). I would probably try to address the issue with her...but I'm a blunt upfront person.
You'll have an amazing time with or without her!
-Best
Um, well I understand your being disappointed and you have the right to be disappointed.
But I think that she has a decent excuse--the bachelorette party, no matter how much planning you put into it, is a minor event compared to your actual wedding, and she IS going to that, no?
However, I do think she should have called.
@JennyW1: It's also my shower. I had a separate family shower and then this one is my 2nd shower for the friends. She has known about the date since early April.
I think tests are a completely legitimate reason to miss a party. You can feel hurt, that's your right--but if she's in college, tests are VERY important. If you totally bomb one (depending on your school), you might as well drop out. =/
Like I said, I'd be disappointed too.
But I don't think that the reason of turning down your bachelorette party/shower because one has to studying for exams is "lame." And like you said, she isn't a BM so her attendance at either event is as expected of her as it would be for one of your bridesmaids.
If you want to bring it up with her, you can, but I don't think that you'll change her mind and you'll probably just cause a rift where you don't want one. You have other friends who are going to the party--instead of being disappointed about the one person who can't come, be excited about all the other people who can.
Meh, I'm on your side. I always make a point of going to important functions for my close friends and I would be totally disappointed with her bailing... I know it sucks being a student and having a ton of exams (been there, done that), but maybe you can talk to her and she can something out where she only comes to your shower, or maybe just dinner? That way she can spend some time with you and still get some study time in. Everybody wins!!
I would be upset too, especially at the way she did it. She clearly was avoiding confrontation which screams she knew it was wrong. If I were you, I wouldn't have written her back because that would make her paranoid, haha!
@Mrs. Alias: What's so wrong about needing to skip a party because you have to study? =/
Ok girls, i know tests are important. I have an MBA so i've been there as well. She is 32 and has been a continuing student with several degress for 13 years now. (It's a running joke with us). Anyway - that's why i called it a lame excuse. She could have planned her time better and at least maybe shown up for 2 hours? I just think that it wasn't important to her and so be it. I'm not going to confront her or try to get her to change her mind. I was just expressing my frustrations.
It sucks - but, unfortunately, some people measure other people's events differently. You'd think she'd realize the importance, having just gone through the experience, but perhaps everyone's involvement was a different priority to her.
I had a friend who missed my shower and it still kind of bugs (because she was anxious about being there). But, I tried to shift my disappointment to being grateful for everyone else who took time out of their busy lives to celebrate with me.
I don't think if she comes or not is necessarily a friendship deal-breaker, it's just a different priority for her and she perhaps needs to mature in that area. Or, she's really focused on school and is the type of person that can only focus on one thing at a time, etc. If you've been friends with her for 7 years, you know if this type of behavior is typical (flaky) or if it's a fluke. Either way, it's par for the course on friendship, IMO (meaning, friends will disappoint you from time to time)....
@snuggielove: Ugh, CSS! (Constant Student Syndrome). That is really annoying, haha! And seriously it's Wednesday right now, I was a student too and I know darn well she won't be studying contstantly between now and the test. I'm sure she could take a small break if you were important enough, or at least have the courtesy to call or email instead of text. Unfortunately one of the many joys of planning a wedding involve people showing their true colors.
@snuggielove: I completely understand and I feel for you. I had a couple people not come to my shower for what I considered pretty lame reasons and I was really hurt. I know you can never know another person's life, but I really thought these girls would be there for me. My feelings after the shower were so mixed: I was so happy and grateful for all the lovely women who did attend but so upset about the couple who didn't. So I've really tried to concentrate on the good things and think only about the people who were there for me. It helps.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. But now you need to go out and have a fantastic time this weekend with those girls who are going be there with you! Enjoy every second of it!
@SnuggieLove....You are very welcome
@StatutoryGrape....to the OP and to many other brides I'm sure, don't feel their once in a lifetime event like their bachelorette party and bridal shower is just "a party". Parties happen all the time...year round...and sometimes celebrate an event that will come again next year like a Birthday. Again, a wedding, bachelorette party, bridal shower....ONCE! (at least hopefully only once...Lol) Love your user name by the way =)
@Mrs.Alias....very well said! I know that I have seen the true colors of soooo many people while planning my wedding that I swear I am seeing rainbows!!! lol...
I would be hurt by this too. Yes I understand she has 2 tests, but any good college student should know how to juggle a social life and studying. I'm sure she's known about these tests for a while, she's known the date of your party for a while, she should've planned ahead. Or maybe just come to the shower part but don't go out later, or maybe skip the shower but hang out later. having to miss all of it is just bad planning on her part in my opinion
Hmm, since you were just in her wedding, and she isn't in yours, I'm just wondering if she's upset. Maybe she's backing out last minute in a passive aggressive act. Or maybe she was trying to let it go, but realized she's still upset, and would be miserable.
Not sure. Just a guess. I'd try to let it go. I've had experiences in which I felt like I put friends at a priority and didn't feel like it was reciprocated. Sometimes people see things differently, and don't necessarily mean for their words and actions to be interpreted as others interpret them.
@futureMrs.L: Haha I know, I had rainbow vision as well, it is so enlightening! And I totally agree with you that it isn't just a 'party', esp since the OP had done so much for her in the recent past. I mean, it's a shower/bachelorette. All she has to do is show up for 2 hours to either one and excuse herself to go study.
@snuggielove: I wasn't trying to upset you with my response. I just think she's probably upset about not being a bm, after including you just a few months ago. This could just be her passive aggressive way of showing it, like Tanya123 said. Of course you have the right to be upset, but I still don't think it's worth ending a friendship over. People do stupid stuff all the time when they're hurt... I'm guessing this is what's going on.
@simplifiedbride: eh, i can see why you would think that but i don't believe that to be the case. My BM's are my sister and FSIL and my 4 BFF's - known them longer than her. I honestly think she asked me to be in her wedding b/c she needed more numbers (there were 3 of us). Regardless, I was there for her and it sucks that she's not doing the same. It's immature if that is the reason in my opinion b/c we are not in high school after all :)
I hate when people don't budget their time properly and can't commit to something simple like a 2 hour dinner + drinks. Sometimes people are just lame.
Consider the fact that there might be more to it. Maybe in actuality she is sick with something that embarrasses her and she doesn't want to tell you about it. Maybe she just got a call from her credit card company and they're cutting off her credit because she's behind on bills. Etc. etc. There could be any number of other things going on that have nothing to do with you or your friendship. So don't hang her out to dry just yet! Give her the benefit of the doubt!
I think that you may being harsh about a friend who isn't able to come to a bachelorette party. (I know that it's a fun celebration, but it's not a vital one.) If it were me... I would be thinking that if I went to the party that I would want to stay late and participate in the night's festivities, which are probably not the most conducive for someone who would want to return home to study. I doubt that she thinks you'll miss her.
This is the second post today that I have read about someone thinking their friendship is over because the friend hasn't called or can't come to an event. My friends are a lot more important to me than any one event, I just can't imagine considering someone no longer a friend because they can't come to a party. It just seems a bit sad that some bees think so little of friendship to think that a friend's sole responsibility in life is to be THERE for the bee...
@Missbliss: As one poster pointed out - friends can let you down from time to time. I'm sure I have done that to my friends as well at some point. I am not considering ending my friendship with this girl because she's not attending my "party". More like, I'm disappointed and hurt that she's seemingly blowing it off. I don't think that makes me "sad". Nice use of words - thanks!
@snuggielove: & @Missbliss: I'm on your side snuggie. A bachelorette party/bridal shower isn't just any old "party" - to me anyways. It's not a birthday party that comes once a year, it's hopefully a once in a lifetime event! I would totally be disappointed that she wouldn't be willing to stop by even for an hour. Would I want to end my friendship over it? No, but I would be stung by it? Yes! And I would be looking to other brides who know how it feels to have a friend bail last minute like that. Also.. you think it's sad that it's a friend's responsibility to be THERE for a bee.... What are friends for?!?!? I have my friends because they make me happy, I enjoy their company and because they are there for me when I need them the most (as I am there for them when they need me). I think getting married and having a wedding shower is a great example of a time when I would want my friends to be there for me!
My advice would be that if this is non-typical behavior for her, let it slide. Something clearly has come up in her life (perhaps she hasn't had time to study because of something family related or personal life related) that, while influencing you because she's missing your party, is affecting her as well. IF she's always been good about making parties and gatherings before, consider this a hiccup and move on.
@snuggielove:You're the one who said in your original post that you're questioning her friendship over this. That's your own choice of words.
@gcwest: yes, i am questioning her friendship to me a little bit. Not the other way around. I don't think i said in any of my posts that i'm going to end our friendship.
@TinyTina: i agree - thank you for your thoughts!
@lilacwire: this has happened before so i guess i shouldn't be surprised. It's just unfortunate...
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My bachelorette party is this Saturday and has been planned for months. We are doing a small shower at my house, then going out for dinner, then drinks at a bar. My friend (who's wedding i was just in 2 months ago) had RSVP'd to my sister and then asked me last week if she could bring her friend - no problem i said.
Now, i just get a text from her saying "hey - i can't make it saturday i have 2 tests next week. have a great time!" I was shocked and hurt and just texted back "Oh...that's disappointing..."
I put A LOT of time and money into her shower AND bachelorette just 2 months ago and she can't be bothered to come out for dinner? This girl isn't even a BM so it's not like she's done or been involved in anything else related to my wedding. I'm just really shocked at this and tempted to write something else back but probably will not. I know that she's under no obligation to come but to back out like this? I really am questioning her friendship and it is just totally lame on her part. So now, I am sad :(