Weddingbee boards

 Hi Bees - got married in apr and love the site!

I have a question about a friend of mine, "Sarah".  Sarah and I have been friends for several years and have several mutual friends.  She is kind, generous and we see each other often. She doesn't, however, have any idea how she can come across to people.  She is always talking about how pretty she is, how smart and good at her job, and recently how in love she is with her new boyfriend. She often repeats the same anecdotes about herself over and over (not realizing people around her are totally bored/annoyed). She is happy for others if something good happens, and never causes drama, but just isn't that interested in the details of the lives of others.  If anyone expresses annoyance, it has to be really obvious or she won't get it, and if she does she chalks it up to them being jealous of her.  I find her to be kind of boring often, but I know she means well and certainly doesn't mean to hurt other people, and I know she really values our friendship and if i'm in the right mood we can have a good time together.

I got married recently and had a lovely wedding. we were interested in keeping things low-key, with an emphasis on food and drink and dancing.  partway through our reception, it became clear that Sarah was telling all of our mutual friends (loudly enough that people who didn't know her remarked to me about it) that she was going to have sex in the bathroom with her boyfriend.  she accosted both myself and my husband about it separately and asked if i would care. i replied that i couldn't care less but i didn't really want to be having this conversation right now.  she told me that it seemed like i cared but then went on about how she was talking about it all dinner and was oblivious to the fact that i didn't want to be taken away from my wedding to discuss it. 

 Granted, she was really drunk, but i don't know if it justifies 45 minutes of discussion on the dance floor with anyone who will listen.  our mutual friends, my friends who know her, and my friends who don't kept coming up to me to discuss it (in a, omg, what is the matter with this person! kind of way). Eventually she did do it (she wasn't very discreet in taking him off the dancefloor and into the bathroom, and they stayed there for quite a while), and returned and announced it to several friends.

She seems to think this is a cute, fun story and has related it several times since the wedding to other people. we do have a couple as friends who are famous for sneaking off and having sex at events, but they are ALWAYS discreet and never make a big deal of it. she brought it up in front of me once and i replied tersely that everyone at the wedding knew she had a good time, including friends of mine she didn't know.  i said that the next time i get married, i wanted to have a sex in the bathroom don't ask don't tell policy (it was a joke, but i tend to joke around when i'm irritated). i doubt she could sense irritation but hasn't brought it up to me since, but continues to regale everyone else with this story.

here's my issue.  i'm not the kind of person who cares if people are intimate in the bathroom at my wedding.  if it were anyone else i would think it was sort of comical. i am irritated though that she made such a huge deal out if it and that i had people coming up to me to ask about it repeatedly. Is it worth confronting her about this? I don't see what good it would do but it's really driving me nuts. It seems like she totally doesn't think it's a big deal, and if she can't see it, me telling her several weeks later won't accomplish much.  I don't want to discuss it with mutual friends (except for an eyeroll here or there) because i don't want to create drama or have people be annoyed with her for an issue she has with me (that she doesn't even know exists!)

 sorry so long, any advice on how to deal?

Hi guys,

 Thanks for responding, it's really helpful to get different points of view. I agree with you guys that if she does bring it up again it would be appropriate to let her know how unimpressed i was.

KateMW - you made me laugh. i do have a couple friends who are, shall we say, exhibitionistic. i hear about it later over wine with the girls. what can i say, it doesn't really bother me too much - if it's your thing, go ahead, just be discreet!  I think that's my issue with this girl - she wasn't discreet and i wonder if it was because she wanted to be the centre of attention - LOOK AT ME! MY BOYFRIEND AND I ARE SO INTO EACH OTHER!! 

MsJoe - You make some good points.  I certainly am working on distancing myself.  My post was (too!) long because i wanted to give some context - ie, she has some good qualities, didn't mean to harm anyone. I am distancing myself and setting boundaries because to be honest I don't have alot of fun with her - the bragging can get old and she's not super interested in the things i am.

I think that's the crux of my question, and I would love input from other bees: in friendships when someone does something to hurt you, does it matter if they meant to or not?  "Sarah" didn't mean to harm anyone (i hope!) but i imagine has insecurity issues as well as difficulty reading people that results in her coming off terribly. I feel guilty therefore about taking away my friendship when it's important to her.

Has anyone been in a situation where they have felt guilty about ending a friendship because that person "means well" or "has issues"?

thanks again for your feedback, this is really helpful for me! you guys are a great community and so thoughtful in your responses.

ES123 - i absolutely agree with you that there is some element of narcissism here, and I agree with Ejs4y8 that she is very insecure.  From my posts she sounds pretty terrible, but she has been a good friend to me - she tries to be interested in my life, never puts me down, is very loyal, helpful if i need anything, not demanding at all.  Ejs4y8 - i really like your comment about how not to engage with other friends who bitch about her - in the long run it's probably not productive or healthy. 

Worcesterbride - i thinks he has NO IDEA how she comes across.  I don't think it would ever occur to her that I would be upset.  She's very black and white in her thinking - "lambchop is my friend, and laidback about the wedding, and she listens to my stories, so of course she would think this is funny!"

 I have often wondered whether it is my place to tell her how terribly she comes across sometimes. her defenses are so strong that she can misinterpret almost anything to come out in a positive light for her.  i wonder if there is any point to saying, dude, you come across like an idiot/self-involved/conceited at times.  I feel for her because she values her friendships so much and has NO IDEA how much she annoys her girlfriends.  She has a way of making people feel terrible about themselves - ie. she'll talk about how she needs to eat 3000 calories a day to put weight on when other people are struggling to lose weight, or she'll go on about how her new bf wants to marry her after a month while another girl has been waiting for a proposal for a couple years.  I think she thinks that she is sharing, but doesn't realize that it hurts people. As crazy as it sounds, she does make all of us laugh with her craziness most days and we chalk it up, as you said, to sarah being sarah.

Perhaps this is a friendship that has run its course...i feel bad because she cares about me a lot and is likely going to ask me to be her MOH/BM when she does get married.