Post # 1
Hi Everyone this is my first post! although I have been lurking on These boards for awhile now. ok here is my issue: Me and My friend are in our our early 30’s and my friend lives with her mother ( she is completely independent but chooses to live with her mom cause her mom is alone/divorced and very needy). My friend’s father recently got remarried and when my friend’s mother found out that my friend went to meet the “new wife” she filpped out and starting cursing my friend, calling her a horrible daughter, saying that my friend always makes her mom cry, and basically saying that she betrayed her by meeting the new wife.
The mom got so angry that she told her daughter (my friend) that she never wanted to see her again, and that she shouldnt come home ( my friend was at work at the time talking to her mom on the phone) so when my friend gets off work she goes back to her home and before she can even open the door she hears her mom yelling on the phone “I hate my daughter, I hope she never comes home!” “I never want to see her face again!” “she blames me for the divorce and always takes the side of her father” so when my friend heard this, she didnt even go inside she just came straight to my house and she slept over.
I love my friend, she is my best friend and we have been friends since we were 10 years old I have no problem with her staying with me until her mom cools down….but then what if her mom doesent cool down? my friend also does NOT like the new wife and does NOT want to live with her father ever and while I love my friend deeply she is a very difficult person to live with. we have traveled before together and so I know that after about 7 days I know I need a break from her. Thankfully we both work during the day. but Im worried what to do and how to comfort her at night? she is rightfully very sad right now and I need advice on how I should make her feel comfortable at my home and feel better about the situation her mom is putting her in. Also what should I say/do to her to make her happy again? and not so sad?
Also my friend has a boyfriend and she was telling me last night that she is seriously considering just eloping with her boyfriend ( who lives a plane ride away) just to get away from her mom. ( even though i am positive the boyfriend hasnt even proposed yet, and have only known each other about 7 months) I dont think this is a good idea. what should I say to her so that she can realize that she shouldnt do this! any help would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 3
Eh, what a sticky situation. I would suggest she go talk to her mom. My mother is the EXACT same way, I’m wondering if she just needs time to cool down?
Or if that isn’t an option, offer to help her apartment hunt.
Post # 4
@Honey2002: I would say it is time for her to get her own place. If she is completely independent, there is no reason she should still be living at home. I would offer to help her apartment hunt and talk about how nice it is to live independently and on your own.
Post # 5
Agreed with pp, if your friend is in her 30’s then it’s time for her to get her own place. Offer her your sofa for a couple of weeks if she needs it, but make it clear that it’s not a permanent arrangement, and offer to help her find an apartment or a rental house.
Post # 6
@Honey2002: If she is independent like you say she is, she should be able to find a place/live on her own. Especially since she’s in her 30s.
Post # 7
Hi @Honey2002: As this is your DEBUT Post on WBee… a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
I have been in the shoes of your Friend’s Mother… DIVORCE SUCKS !!
It is very complicated… and messy. A collection of intense feelings tied up in one’s Past, being in LOVE, having kids, money, etc etc etc
The longer one is married, the harder it is to overcome. So I truly do feel for this woman.
Your Friend might find it hard to understand that her Mom is “not the person she’d like her to be” right now (I am betting the Mom barely recognizes herself now, and isn’t the person she wants to be or is proud of either right now).
Your GF can make this better.
She needs to communciate with her Mom… even if that is by email… the following:
That she is a Daughter born out of LOVE between two people… Her Mom & Dad. And that may be in the past now… but it was what it was at the time… and a great thing happened because of it. Her.
She will forever be the child of both of them. And that is going to be hard for her going forward. She is confused too. And hurting as well in her own way.
She needs to tell her Mom that she cannot make it all alright either. She’s been devastated as well. And that has suffered a BIG Loss as well… the loss of HER FAMILY as she knew it to be.
She also needs to say what you put in your note above:
my friend also does NOT like the new wife and does NOT want to live with her father ever
That won’t be the salve to cure all… but it will reassure the Mom that her Daughter isn’t going to be lost to her as well by going to go live with her Dad and his NEW Wife.
Hope this helps
Post # 8
Offer to help her find a place and move, that’s what she needs.
Post # 9
@Honey2002: If your friend is in her 30s and working, why is she acting like her only options are living with one of her parents? Time to grow up and be an adult.
Post # 10
She definitely needs to be finding her own place, since she’s in her 30s and independant financially.
Post # 11
She needs to get her own place. I don’t know why anyone is even thinking she’d stay with you, with her dad, or elope with the boyfriend. None of those options are how I think a rational woman in her 30s operates.
Post # 12
I totally agree with almostmrsj !
Post # 13
+1 to everyone suggesting she get her own place. Unless I am completely missing something that is the only logical choice.
Honestly, she seems very immature if the only options she’s considering is living with either set of parents or immediately moving in with her boyfriend of a few months.
Post # 14
You should offer her a place to stay while she looks for her own apartment. She is in her 30s, it’s time to cut the cord from her horrible mother and start a new independent phase of her life.
Post # 15
@Honey2002: I would help your friend get her own apartment, and if you want, offer her your couch for a few weeks. She is 30, not 13, so she has options outside of living with her parents.
Post # 16
@Bazinga: What if she’s not as independent as the OP says she is and never wants to leave?