Post # 1
I’m kind of scared to post on here but I really don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. My friend (and BM) has been very rude to me lately about our wedding budget. She got married recently and was a DIY bride. I was a BM in her wedding and I helped her with a lot of the stuff but for me personally, I don’t have the desire to do DIY. We have a large wedding budget and I plan on using it to have the wedding of our dreams, but instead of being excited during my planning like I was during hers, my friend is constantly criticizing my choices and asking me how much I’m spending on everything. I never seen this judgmental side to her and I don’t know how to handle it. I want to include her in the planning but she’s just making me feel bad for spending my money how I want. It’s my money and I don’t see how it’s any of her beeswax how I choose to spend it but these days she always makes some comment that pisses me off.
Anyone with a large budget had to deal with someone like this? How did you handle it?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@flapperphilosopher: Yikes, how rude of her! If she only shared things with you because she would need your help to DIY I would stop sharing specific details with her. Like don’t tell her ‘we’re deciding between options A, B, and C for flowers’ because she’s going to want to talk you into the cheapest it sounds like.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@flapperphilosopher: Stop telling her how much things cost. When it’s unavoidable, politely let her know that it’s your money and you aren’t interested in her opinions on your budget. If she continues to make comments, it might be time to stop inviting her along to help make decisions.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Saddly, she is probably jealous and doesn’t realize what she’s doing. At least I hope. I would also stop sharing information with her. If it continues, you might have to say something, like: “It makes me uncomfortable when you question my choices. I’m having a very different wedding than you did, so please respect my decisions.” (Sorry, I am not great at confrontation. I’m sure someone here will have exactly the right words…)
Post # 6
Don’t tell her anything until it is done and if she asks you about the costs then find a way to change the topic or give a non-answer like : I don;t remember but I really don’t like talking about money.
Post # 7
I’d ask her, “is there any reason that whenever I try to share details about my wedding, you immediately default to talking about how much it costs?”
Whatever her answer, you can follow up with, “ok, I appreciate your concern. It’s sweet, but we’ve budgeted very carefully and are not borrowing from anyone. But you questioning me about money makes me uncomfortable and I’d like it if you refrain from now on.”
I know it sounds way easy, but one thing I’ve learned about friendships and wedding planning is that YOUR wedding can bring emotions out of people that they don’t even really have the right to have and then they start acting out and leave YOU to deal with their emotions. Now is as good a time as any to establish that you won’t be spending your emotional energy dealing with her inner jealous/insecurity/inadequacy/general nosiness.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
If she’s a good enough friend to be part of your wedding party, then hopefully your friendship is strong enough to withstand a pretty direct and frank conversation. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn’t even realize she’s being a bit… bitchy. Maybe if you clue her in, she’ll stfu about it. Try to tell her that you really value her, her friendship, and her point of view, but that when she says thing like [insert example of one of her comments] it makes you feel bad. Then ask her to please refrain from asking about and/or commenting on the cost of your wedding from this point forward. Yes, it will probably sting, so be gentle. But still, be firm. No one wants to be made to feel bad for how much they are spending (big or small) and you have every right to stand up for yourself.
Post # 9
We have always had a very open and honest relationship so when she asks me a direct question I answer it truthfully. And I feel bad not having her be a part of the planning because she made me such a huge part of her wedding. It feels wrong to cut her out but at the same time it is frustrating to be criticized. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by leaving her out because my other girls are part of the planning too.
Post # 10
@flapperphilosopher: Stop sharing financial info with her. Simply tell her you aren’t comfortable talking money with her. Problem solved.
Post # 11
I’d tell her that the financial aspects of the wedding are none of her business. And I would definitely keep her out of any and all decision making, other than BM dresses (if you’re giving them options).
Post # 12
That REALLY blows! I’d try to turn it around. Like “You know how DIY was important to you? Well I’m just not good at managing that much stress! I would rather pay someone to do it! NOT dealing with DIY stress is important to me!”
Post # 13
Just my two cents: the next time she makes a critical comment based on cost, you could say ‘hey, it feels to me like you have made some comments lately about the cost of my wedding that have been very hurtful to me. it means a lot to me to have your support, and i really appreciate that you don’t want me to spend all my money on my wedding, but we have a budget that works for us. your comments come across less like a concerned friend and more of a nit-picker. it would mean so much to me if you would put these concerns aside and just look forward to celebrating my marriage with me.’
i don’t think you need to keep secrets or be confrontational, just tell her how you’re feeling and, if this person really cares about you and your happiness, i’m sure you’ll be able to sort something out! and remember, you deserve the wedding you want, especially if you’ve saved up for it and planned for it – don’t let haters damper your happiness!
Post # 14
I tried the “I’m not sure how much it costs” thing with my dress but she ended up finding it online somewhere. I guess I’m just really bad at confrontation and I don’t know how to get her to stop asking about money without creating an awkward situation. And I really love her so much and want everyone to be a part of things but she’s making it kind of difficult right now.
Post # 15
@flapperphilosopher: If you’ve always had an open and honest relationship with her why are you so surprised that she is being open and honest with you about your budget? Obviously she believes it is more important to save money on a DIY wedding than to spend a large amount of money on one day. With that, it isn’t too hard to see why she wouldn’t want you to spend so much money on your day either, as she seems to value saving money.
I also strongly ignore people who tell you she is jealous of you, because I really doubt she is. She seems to be being open and honest with you. She had the wedding of her dreams, and it annoys me when people always think people have to be jealous when large amounts of money are involved. If being open and honest is how your relationship has always functioned, she is probably just trying to be a good friend.
If I were you I would tell her that while you appreciate her honesty on other aspects of your life, when it comes to your wedding, keep her honesty to herself unless you ask her opinion.
I just don’t see her as being intentionally rude given the extra information you provided about having an open and honest relationship. If this friend is use to being brutally open and honest with you, why would her view on the relationship change simply because its your wedding?
Post # 16
I’d just stop talking to her about the wedding! You don’t need to tell her your budget.