Friend copying all ideas….

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I completely understand how you feel. When I got married last autumn, I thought we were having a pretty unique wedding (time of year, afternoon reception, etc.).

Then my friend got engaged shortly after my wedding and announced her wedding date – 364 days after mine. That’s right – her anniversary will be the day before mine. She’s also having a daytime wedding, at a venue very similar to mine. I started thinking I’d be attending my own wedding again, this time as a guest. But as time has gone and she has announced other details (food options, colours, theme and number in attendance), I’m slowly realizing that the initial factors that seemed so huge will really not make her wedding the same as mine. And now it’s sounding like they’ll really be nothing alike.

I’m not sure how “A” is, but I know that if I had spoken up and told my friend my fears that our weddings would be identical, she would have brushed them off and likely been quite hurt. But I doubt it would have deterred her. I don’t think there is anything you can say or do to stop “A” from planning whatever kind of wedding she wants – just stop sharing any details with her now. You’re still far enough away that when the final decisions need to be made, she won’t be able to look to you for ideas.

And if it helps, as a geeky girl myself, if she’s not a true geek everything nerdy/geeky she does will come off very insincere. People will be able to tell that she’s misrepresenting herelf.

Post # 3
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

Stop sharing your wedding plans with her. Problem solved. 

Post # 5
Member
1456 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Stop telling her your ideas. Or throw her off by telling her loads of ideas which you’re not actually doing.

Post # 7
Member
7197 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Haruyou:  Since she’s getting married after you, it’s no big deal and it will be pretty obvious which wedding will look like a copy.

And anyway, I’m guessing there’s not a big overlap in the guest lists, so what does it matter?

If she was getting married before you it’d be a bigger issue, but even then you can’t stop her and all you can do is stop sharing your ideas like others have said.

Post # 9
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Haruyou:  It’s hard to get over it, but I just tried to remind myself that there was nothing I could do and if I didn’t want to hear about it, I said so or changed the subject. If you know it’s going to upset you to hear the details of her wedding, change the subject. She’ll eventually understand that you’re not someone she can get a reaction out of, but it will take time and persistance. 

As for your hurt feelings, that will take time to heal and there’s nothing you can do about that, sadly.

Her response sounds strange so I wouldn’t bother responding to it. Just carry on like you’ve never discussed weddings with her before, and don’t be afraid to just keep changing the subject or laugh and say you’ve been thinking of wedding stuff way too much lately and need a distraction.

Finally, I think you’d be surprised by how many decisions change in the 10 months before your wedding. She might have to change many of her decisions because of money, want her family/parents want, who is avaible re: music or cake-baking, etc.

Post # 10
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s out of your control–you can’t stop her from using your ideas, so just rock your own wedding and don’t give a second thought to what she does. By focusing and worrying about it, you’re allowing her to take over your day. Nowadays no decor, themes, or concepts are 100% unique–it’s the people that make the event memorable.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  MrsYokiman.
Post # 11
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would be pretty floored too! As PPs said, she’s going to look insincere if she’s not actually into these things. people won’t get it and she’ll have the embarrassing wedding! So sorry, that is so annoying.

Post # 12
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I agree with what the above poster said. She’s getting married after you, and because these ideas are unique to you and your FI as a couple and your special relationship, they will shine in a different way on your big day (if that makes sense?)  For example, this isn’t as specific but I am wearing a flower crown and my wedding is going to be very bohemian because that is what I dress like everyday. My friend who has a style similiar to Kim Kardashian got engaged recently and has been saying (not actually doing) that she wants her wedding to be super boho just like ours. When her FI and other friends heard this they were cracking up and said “why would you do that?” We got an illustrator to draw us for our save the dates with our puppy and she wanted to do the same thing even though quite literally that illustrator only did our portrait through family friends and we had never even seen/heard of anyone else doing that nor has anyone on our guest list! It would be obvious to the overlap who did it first so I think she is shying away from those things too. Bottom lie is a wedding is supposed to reflect the couple and be their special day…I wouldn’t say anything to your friend because as bad as this sounds, it will reflect when the actual day comes about! Also, I would venture to guess that as things get closer (you still have almost a year left) she will realize this and alot of her details are going to change to what she finds she likes! Hope this helps.

Post # 14
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

She sounds very young and impressionable and she is looking at someone who is a bit older for reference on what to do.  I would take it in stride and as a compliment although maybe it might be best for you to sit and HELP her with her wedding vision.  Maybe ask her what she and her FI like to do and give her suggestions of how they can make their day unique TO THEM.  Explain that the day is supposed to be about the couple and thier interests not what “will look cool”.  Maybe even a pinterest board together that you send her ideas that fit her vision but not yours.  Sounds like she is just looking to you for guidance and you might have really hurt her feelings because she though so much of you to be told in a way bug off.  5 years in age is a big difference especially at your ages.  Put yourself in her shoes for a minute.  Maybe helping her find her vision will help you in getting over this. 

Post # 15
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Haruyou:  Well she seems determined to copy you, so maybe have some fun with it?  Make-up some terrible/stupid ideas and tell her about them 😉

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