Post # 1
I had a troubled childhood. When I was 16, after a year of bouncing around in foster care, and in and out of my best friends lives without anyone ever asking what was happening, I packed up my few possessions and moved to CA.
I spoke to my friends often. We were very close despite the fact that no one knew what was happening to me all those years.
I went back for a visit some years later with a boyfriend. He was very possesive and I had developed severe anxiety. The visit was somewhat of a disaster. The friends I had missed so much invited some of their friends from years after I had left, gals I actually didn’t like before I left. It felt more stressful than I anticipated. They dominated the conversation and I honestly didn’t know anything about the times they had been friends.
More shit went down. These were myspace years. Eventually we all wrote eachother off. I stayed friends with one of the girls who is very very neutral but knows the other girls a lot better since they stayed in the same city, state, school for 2-3 years longer than me.
Flash forward and I get a message from one of the friends who was MY BEST FRIEND who didn’t speak to me for a couple years after that visit congratulating me on my wedding and saying that she heard from the friend that we both still talk to that our wedding date is the same.
So my dillemma: The mutual friend, I think will choose the other girls wedding. I think this because they spent all of high school hanging out and visited eachother for the years following. I was close to all of them but I moved away. So I would understand. But the idea of sending an invite only to get a decline and knowing she is going to the ex-friend’s wedding will hurt very badly.
What do you think? Any experience with something like this? I’m trying to feel better so please be kind.
Post # 3
I think…you need to just invite her. The worst that will happen is you will feel a little sad when she declines. The best that could happen is that your friend comes to your wedding to celebrate with you.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Why don’t you talk to the mutual friend about it– tell her that you know the dates are the same, and you understand if she can’t make it to your wedding. Let her know that you still want to maintain your friendship, and would love it if she could make it to a pre-wedding event or something.
Basically– be the better person. Chances are, this local wedding will be much easier for her to attend than your wedding which is far away; even without the other wedding, there are lots of reasons why she potentially wouldn’t be able to make it to yours. But she’s your friend, and you’ve got to be understanding of her situation.
Post # 5
@juliette.eliza: Hah. Just adding fuel to the fire here 🙁 My wedding is a “destination” wedding for us because we live in WA, the wedding is in CA (pretty close to the mutual friend) and the other friend is in Idaho where we all used to live. The mutual friend moved away after high school because she got married but she visits Idaho often…I see the pics :/
@peachacid: That is true. I just don’t know if I can take the hurt. I lost all my best friends years ago. I was devasted…still am sometimes. And all this on top of bouncing around homes and citites and states and no one understood what I was going through. I just don’t know.
Post # 6
I think you should send her an invite because she was a friend and you’d be thrilled to have her there. I think you’re right in assuming that she has a stronger relationship with the other girl, and will probably choose her wedding, but at least she knows you thought of her, which means a lot.
Post # 7
Wow, thank you all for your support. You are all right. I will invite her. She is my friend. And I will be okay if she doesn’t come. And I am happy the other friend is getting married happy she will have good friends by her side. I will too of course!!
It’s so helpful to get positive encouragement. Sometimes I don’t know who to turn to with these weird conflicts within me. To understand me you’d have to understand the past, the struggles, the overcoming. I try not to drudge all that up but this wedding stuff sure does bring it out 🙂
Thanks again bees!
Post # 8
Yes, do invite her. She’s your friend, she might be hurt to not be included as much as you would be to have her not come!
I agree with inviting her to a pre-wedding event and telling her it would mean so much for her to attend.