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Hi everyone, I've posted here for a few months but registered this account to make sure it is not linked to me/mypartner.
I have had a very good friend for nearly twenty years. We went to high school and college together and he knows more about me than anyone, perhaps even my fiancé. I went to visit him and his girlfriend a few months ago and she asked me if I planned to have kids. I said no and she asked why not. I said that we just did not want children (which we don't.) My friend then chimes in, "she just doesn't like sex, that's why she won't be having kids". I was stunned and said, "Shut up." She looked confused and said "what?" and he blurted "she's never liked sex, ever, she doesn't like it at all so there’s no way she’s getting pregnant!: I was stunned and furious. She looked uncomfortable. (I don't even know her, we've met twice, they have been together for less than two years.) I went it to another room and kept my composure then shortly after went back to my hotel, fuming. I was polite and we all hugged goodbye but I was very upset.
So here's the context. Nearly a decade ago, when I was having trouble in a relationship I told my friend that I had a hard time with sex. This was not something I thought I had to tell him was private, confidential, and never to be spoken to anyone. We have not talked about this issue in many years, and it has actually gotten much better as I worked with my doctor to figure it all out. Anyway, I am stunned and deeply angered that he said this to his girlfriend. It is absolutely none of hers (or anyone's) business.
Im sorry this is so long. Here is my question. I have not spoken to him since this happened and I have decided that despite all of the years of friendship, its over. I feel incredibly violated, trust is broken, and I never want to speak to him again. He has called several times, emailed, and sent me a birthday card. I responded only to one of his emails and said I am busy. I am wondering if people think I should actually tell him the truth. I am reluctant because I don't want to get into a conversation about it, I really don't think I can accept him in my life anymore.
Thank you.
Wow, Im sorry he betrayed your trust like that. I agree that it was totally inapproporiate to say anything about it to anyone.
I do think that you should at least tell him why your are avoiding his calls and such. If you have been friends for that long, I think you should give him the opportunity to appologize, even if you dont want to talk to him after that.
Most people tell their SO's everything. It's expected. If you didn't want her to know, you shouldn't have told him. My husband and I tell each other everthing, and I expect the same of my friends.
@crayfish: I think the fact that she told him so long ago and the fact that it has nothing to do with the current situation make it totally inappropriate
@HoneyBear: Ditto. That was really inappropriate and you're justified in wanting to end the friendship, but given there is such a long history there, giving closure seems like the classy thing to do.
@crayfish: It sounds like the OP shared this information ten years ago, so possibly before her friend had even met his current girlfriend.
OP, I think you are right to be upset. It is a pretty bad move for your friend not only to tell his girlfriend, but to bring it up IN FRONT OF YOU when it is obviously private information. Personally, I would write a letter to tell him why you are so upset. If he is really, really apologetic and sincerely regrets his actions, then maybe the friendship can be salvaged. Or maybe not--maybe it's too much. But make sure that you are ending it because of him, not because you now feel too embarrassed to be around his girlfriend.
I think you should email him with the honest reason why you want to end the friendship. You're completely justified, and letting him know what he's done wrong is the best idea, IMO.
Thank you all for your thoughts. Its difficult to even explain how upset and violated I feel, how in a few short moments, someone who has been like a brother to me became someone I never want to see again. I thought the feeling might pass but over the months it has just grown and I have become more solid in feeling I never want to deal with him again. I may try to construct a short email to him. I don't want to confront this, but I also want him to stay away from me.
I am not embarrassed, I don’t think it is anything to be embarrassed about, it is simply a private matter. I don’t tell my partner about my friend’s fibroids, or trouble conceiving, because that is private between friends information.
I don't want this to come out wrong, but I think that you're overreacting just a little. To cut someone out of your life FOREVER who was like a brother to you because he told his girlfriend who he's in a committed relationship with, something that he didn't realize was a secret? It seems a little extreme to me. I am in no way defending him. He shouldn't have said it...that was very rude. You are justified in being hurt. I think that he wasn't thinking it all the way through and didn't really understand how hurt you'd be by the comment. He might not have realized how incredibly private that matter was to you. If you're going to cut him out of your life, then that's totally your decision to make, but I think this is the kind of situation that could be worked on and eventually your relationship repaired. The fact that you haven't even told him that he hurt you, means he hasn't even had a chance to apologize (because why apologize for something you didn't know you did?).
@mg1363: You know, I agree with this. I don't want to be judgmental because I really see how upset OP is, but I find myself wondering if there is a little more to this situation because I find the reaction to be a little severe.
As someone who's blurted out a few things I didn't mean to over the years, I would at least explain and give him a chance to apologise.
I have been horrified to hear things come out of my mouth, the second they left I realize they should not have been said.
It was very very wrong for him to bring up such a thing, and I am not defending him, but give him a chance to try and make it up to you.
I would be very upset also, he probably should have known that he shouldn't tell this too anyone.
On the other hand I know that SOs tell eachother everything, I am not saying that it is ok, but it happens.
I think you should tell him why you do not want to be friends. I know that I had a friend once, and all of a sudden she would not speak to me, and she would not tell me why. I really really have no clue why she didn't want to be friends with me. I wish she had told me why, because currently I think that she just wanted to be a B for no reason whatsoever. I loved her (in a friend type of way) and would have never done anything intentionally to hurt her. I am sad that she would just not talk to me. But oh well, I guess our friendship didn't mean enough to her to talk about what bothered her.
Thanks for the thoughts. Perhaps I have a different understanding of friendship and privacy than some other people. I do not tell my significant other my friends business and I don't hear his friends business either. Sure, we share everything about OUR lives but not everyone else's who we know. If that were the case my partner would know that my friend’s father beat him and he ran away from home. I’m sure he wouldn’t find it amusing if I shared that with my partner and declared it over dessert. I find it very hard to believe that he didnt understand what he did, and I think it is beyond reasonable to expect that people's sexual health is not for public discussion.
And in addition to my privacy issue, I think he was incredibly offensive for bringing this up in the context of us deciding not to have children. The issues are not even associated and he has no business extrapoliating.
@mg1363: I agree while the friend was rude blurting that out like that, to stop being his friend over it after 20 years of friendship is ridiculous and to not even let him know why is just mean, a lot meaner than what he did.
His friendhip obviously doesnt mean much to you at all, goodness if I dumped a friend over a silly outburst I prob wouldn't have too many left.
@hgiog: My first instinct to explain his childish behavior was that he has feelings for you. Regardless, I think you need to talk to him about it. People make mistakes and say things they wish the hadn't. In my opinion, the true test of character is how people deal with their mistakes/whether they are good at communicating and respect you enough to apologize when necessary and do what they need to to make the situation right again.
Even if you do decide to cut him out of your life, you owe it to yourself to get closure on this situation.
@mckernae: I understand what you are saying. I am just feeling that he is now untrustworthy and that is a dealbreaker with my relationships. I can't see myself even after an apology wanting to have any type of real relationship with him. I do feel sad. I have a framed scenic photo in my office that he took on one our three trips to West Africa. I am probably going to take it down because I don't want the memory. Its hard to explain, I am very upset. We've had a lot of fun over the years and been there for each other. I cant express how it feels to think you cant trust someone anymore.
I have now contsructed a four sentence email saying basically that although it is a very hard decision I no longer want to keep in touch and that trust has been broken. I haven't sent it and don't know if I will, but it is now written.
I have to agree with some PPs... I think you're 100% overreacting but it also sounds like you've made up your mind. I just hope you don't come to regret acting so harshly.
Complete overreaction - he probably meant it as a joke which didn't go over well, particularly because this is no longer an issue for you, he probably thought it was ok.
I tell my SO everything about everyone so we can discuss things together, but I wouldn't do it in front of them. They have been together for almost two years - so people propose in that amount of time! It's not like he met her last week.
This is a life long relationship, longer than you and your FI - don't throw it away over something so small, it sounded like she was just as embarrassed as you were.
Relax and think of all the good times you've had together, we are all human and all make mistakes.
I'm from the school of telling my SO everything and expecting things that I tell my friends to get blurted out to their SO's. That being said, I do think it's an overreaction for you to cut him out of your life... people make mistakes. Forgiveness is part of friendship.
However, it does seem like you have made up your mind, so I won't try to change it. I do think that he deserves an explanation. Perhaps a well thought out letter to provide him some closure. Since he was like a brother to you for so long, I think he deserves that.
Im sorry that your personal business was put out there like that!!! Thats such a betrayal of trust. But even though you are mad you two have been friends for a long time. I think that he has the right to know... and even though i agree that what he did was way out of line, Everyone makes a bad judgement call now and then.
1. Always assume that people share secrets with their significant others.
2. Your friend was wrong to blurt out your personal business like that, but being that he was your friend for 20 years you should tell him you are upset with him.
3. Friendships can have ups and downs like roller coasters. Maybe you just need some "alone time" right now. Tell him that. If you still feel this way in time, maybe you do need to let this friendship fade away.
I have to agree with other pp's, I tell hubs everything, unless someone specifically asks that I don't. Did he say it in the totally wrong context? Yes. Should he have not just blurted it out like a total idiot, especially after so much time has passed, and it really had no point to what you were talking about? Totally. But, I don't know that I would end a friendship over it.
I have to agree with the pp who have said that they feel this is an overreaction.
I hope you do not regret ending such a long friendship over one mistake, because I have a feeling that this is one burnt bridge that could never be rebuilt. To me, what you are doing is far more hurtful than what he did.
What he said was wildly inappropriate, hurtful, disrespectul, and rude. You deserve more than an apology - you deserve an explanation.
But I think a 20-year friendship deserves a chance to be mended. It happened once. This sounds like something that is out of character for him (or else it wouldn't have shocked you so much.) Maybe there's a reason for that? At the very least, if you expressed how furious and hurt and embarrassed he made you, he would probably NEVER do such a thing again.
I respect your decision to end the friendship, but I think that someone who makes one fuck-up in a 20 year friendship should A) know why they're being dumped and B) get a chance to make amends if possible.
Im really surprised by everyone's reaction to you so far OP- Im sorry to say Im of the schooling that no ones sexual health should be paraded in front of complete strangers. It is a violation of privacy, especially if I infer from your description of what your sexual health situation is, that you actually had to seek medical help to be able to be a comfortable and healthy sexual adult-Im sorry PPs, but in this case I totally agree with the OP- what occured, what sexual issues this "small" joke may have been linked to, is what is causing the OP to probably react the way she is...and personally I would NOT share that kind of information with anyone but the person who confided to me, and I would do that in private if it was a genuine worry. People's personal lives or sexual health are not for comedic fodder, and its obvious this is a sensitive subject (if he was such a good friend, which I think IS up for discussion here, he should have known this). OP, I think you should send your letter and no, I dont think you are being a bad friend here...you are being honest with a situation where someone obviously violated your trust, and did so in a frivolous manner.
It's not just that he betrayed a trust, he did it publicly while at the same time managing to make a joke out of something that was, by alll accounts, very serious. It was thoughtless, and hurtful and in incredibly bad taste. It should not be assumed that he would share that info with a current SO. I don"t tell FI everything about my friends personal details. It has nothing to do with us. He doesn't even want to know everything. I have told sercrets to my closest friends that are very much a part of my past. If they were to parade them out over cocktails to make a joke at my expense I would be horrified.
That all being said. It sounds like you have a rich history with him that includes a deep friendship with many happy memories. Perhaps you are still so hurt and angry because you have not given him an opportunity to apologize. I know it would be nice for him to get a clue and realize that he owes you one on his own, and maybe if he had you wouldn't have gotten to this point of anger, but he is not a mind reader. See what he has to say for himself. My guess is that if you are that close he will not go quietly anyway.
I understand why you're upset, but I sort of agree with people who say this is an overreaction. I am fairly casual about sex (like your friend) and if I were told something and the person didn't say, "never tell this to anyone.." I wouldn't think twice about saying something in front of my husband. I wasn't there, but I don't think he was trying to make a joke- just keeping it light since it's a heavy topic. He is male.
Like I said, you have a right to be upset- but ending the friendship? I might write and email saying explaining your bothered by what went down. If he's any kind of a friend he'll apologize. Maybe you can move beyond this incident.
@phoenix718: Thank you; I just think if the friend in question was as close, aware and the individual the OP thought he was, he would not use what is obvious a sensitive subject as a punchline. It just seems like common sense to me.
As far as telling SOs everything...yeah, sure, about myself and our lives and my thoughts. Im not going to go and tell my partner about the sexual health of others (why the heck would he want to know? I think that would really wierd him out in this specific case...and look, even the friends SO was uncomfortable- case in point). My friends come to talk to me about a plethora of personal issues- that in and of itself is the reason why I would speak to them about it, should I be worried about something. Except in the case of danger, harm, or other accident or unfortunate turn, I would then ask my SO for advice. Anything else, I feel, especially if the person in question isnt well known to my SO, is bordering on gossip- which I think its pretty frivolous as well. Unfortunately here, it was for comedy...about another personal situationt the OP was trying to also explain to someone she barely knows. All in all, not exactly prime friend behaviour on all accounts.
OP, I would have been hurt by this too. We all know SOs talk to each other about pretty much everything, but usually that's in private. Not right out in the open where it could be hurtful to other people. It sounds like your friend was being, at best, a little insensitive and crass, or at worst, a deliberate jackass. I'm not sure which because I wasn't there, but I think you're totally justified in feeling hurt by this.
I also agree that you need to let him know why you've been distancing yourself from him and how much his careless/insensitive comments hurt you.
I think you have every right to be upset about this. He totally disrespected you and your trust. I'm pretty surprised that everyone else is also saying that you're overreacting, b/c in no way are you at all. It's just something so personal, and he had no right to not only tell your secret to his significan other, but also embarrass you fully in front of her. Just plain unacceptable as a friend.
With that said, he does deserve to know why you're so angry with him over this. So definitely send him something - an email, a letter, whatever, but let him know since he seems so clueless. This way, hopefully he won't do it to another friend.
@hgiog: I really hope you hold off on sending that email. I understand how hurt, embarrassed and betrayed you feel. But honestly, I feel like you will regret down the road. 20 years is a very long friendship and should not be thrown away lightly.
I feel you need to understand that people have different senses of privacy. I know I'm guilty of sharing tidbits of my friends sex life with my hubby, and he does the same about his friends. I'm not saying its right, but to us its not a big deal. And I don't really care what my friends share with their significant others.
My point is that you have different perceptions. You just need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. I'm sure he never would have said anything if he'd have known how upset it would make you. I really believed this is an issue that can be settled by talking it out. It'll take some time, but I think with 20 years of history, you two can get through this.
The friendship ending seems extreme but I actually completely understand it. And also, I would suggest letting him know why you are ending it. I'm not sure I would have the balls but it would help make him understand. Did you send the 4 sentence email?
@MissShork: But if he was such a wonderful friend, wouldnt he realize how private this issue was to her? I mean that pretty much proves that he doesnt know her as well as she thought he did- privacy is an issue that comes up pretty early in friendships...your telling me 20 years and he didnt clue in that this was inapproperiate to bring up in public, and what her borders for privacy are- even as to err on the side of caution if he even remotely knew her well? I mean I dont even know the OP, and even I can tell this was a freakn big deal to her....20 years and apparently this guy is clueless. I think that says more about him than it does about the OP, when she wants to end this friendship.
Just wanted to say: I don't think you're overreacting at all. The secret he shared is that he thought you didn't like sex. That is a huge huge secret for him to share on his own!!
Oh and it's one thing for him to tell his gf that in private. It is another thing entirely for him to say it in front of you! Ugh that's just awful and my heart goes out to you. I mean, who talks about someone's sex life in front of their current gf? Totally and wildly inappropriate.
I would wait until you feel composed, and then email him why you are upset. Then I'd ask for some time to come to terms with your feelings. That should buy you 3-6 months. Then at that point, you can maybe reassess how you feel? It also gives him a chance to let you know his side of the situation... maybe there's some weird background you're not aware of (like say, his gf is jealous of you or something).
Anyway I have very few friends I trust completely, and if one of them betrays my trust... it is very hard for me to stay close to them, even if I want to. I totally understand where you are coming from.
@Bellanouva: I did not intend to sound judgmental of the OP. I definitely agree that he, the friend, is in the wrong. I put myself in her shoes and I would be mad, but I would personally not see that as a friendship ender. (it would cause a fight though).
It sounds like a mistake. He may have thought they were such good friends that he could talk openingly about it. I'm certainly not calling it OK. But I could see one my friends making the same mistake. Or even myself.
Obviously, the OP must do want she feels is right. I just wanted to point out that she may feel differently in a while and that ending a relationship is rather final. And I personally would have to mull it over for a very long time before cutting off my oldest friends.
I do agree that people tell their SO's everything, but there was no reason for him to tell his gf right in front of the OP. I would definitely let him know why you are angry and avoiding him
I'm sorry your close friend did something to hurtful and private in front of you like that. I don't know if I can say yes or no that your overreacting because I cut off contact with a childhood friend after a fight where she said something very upsetting about my mother who had passed away a few months before. I understand that feeling of not wanting any memories or even speaking to them EVER again..
On another note, I feel like I must be the odd one out since I confide in my SO about everything! Everything from my family issues to friends issues. I know I can trust him and I don't discuss these things with any friends just him. I understand that I'm sure his friends and mine discuss things I talk to them about with their SO.
I really hope things go good for you :)
@hgiog: I don't think you are overreacting and have every reason to be upset. There's a big difference between blurting out "she doesn't like chocolate" and "she doesn't like sex" to someone you barely know.
I actually had a friend do something very similiar to me last week. I'm going through some issues right now, and she started talking about what we have dubbed "my angry cervix" in front of a bunch of our coworkers. I got upset and wanted to cause her bodily harm, but I took a time out, composed myself and privately told her to cut it out. Everyone makes mistakes, and some of them are big mistakes that hurt worse than others. I would definatly explain how hurt and betrayed you feel, and then see where it leads from there. If you've been friends for that long, he deserves to know why you want nothing more to do with him if that's what you choose, and you deserve an explanation as to why he did what he did.
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