Post # 1
So, A friend of mine (who was initially a bridesmaid before FH and I decided to nix a wedding party) has flat out told me “she’s not into weddings and I should know that.” She said this to me after I confronted her (tactfully) about not seeming interested in my wedding at all. She never asked about it or brought it up, and when I told her I was hurt by that, she immediately went on the defense, saying that life’s a two way street and that she had stuff going on in her life that I hadn’t asked about. I know that being engaged doesn’t mean everything should be about me, and so I understand that I maybe should’ve made more of an effort myself. And following our conversation, I have asked her about things. But nothing’s changed on her end. I would have been fine if we had a discussion just about taking an interest in whatever is going on in each other’s lives. But the fact that she said “she’s not into weddings” and “yup, this is why I hate weddings” made me think, “why should I make the effort on this end?” It’s hurtful that a long time good friend would basically pick and choose which aspects of your life to ‘be into’. A wedding is an important and special time, and now I just feel like there’s a rift. Am I overreacting? I should also add—she wasn’t upset about not being a Bridesmaid or Best Man anymore. In fact, I think she was relieved and happy, so I don’t think that’s the issue.
Post # 3
I dunno, I’m not that into weddings either. I don’t find it that interesting to pick a color scheme, buy a dress, etc. I considered most of my wedding planning to be a big chore. It completely shocked me when several people expressed interest in going dress shopping with me, and I was thrilled that I found a sample on my first shopping trip with a single bridesmaid so I wouldn’t have to spend any more time looking for a wedding dress.
I know how to pretend to be interested in someone’s wedding to a certain extent, but I don’t really consider it an interesting topic of discussion. And while I was in the middle of wedding planning I often felt consumed by it and wished I had more substantive things to talk about. I’m glad it’s over. (Note: Being married is great, though! And I would have had a much smaller/easier wedding if my husband hadn’t wanted a bigger affair.)
ETA: In other words, I don’t think you should take this personally.
Post # 4
I am in no way defending her choice of words (there are nicer ways to say that weddings and planing for it aren’t your thing), but there may be a lot going on in her life and she views weddings (and, sadly your engagment) as trivial – again, I don’t know, and maybe you don’t even know. When one of my friends (and my BM) got engaged, it was all she would talk about, never once asking how my Mom, who was in a nursing home for physical rehab, was doing or how Fiance was dealing with his mother’s death. It did tick me off and I held my tongue from saying there’s more to life than your wedding!
But, I do feel you from the standpoint that my friends aren’t into talking about my wedding, including my BMs. Why, I don’t know, but I do know they all have huge things in their lives and I try not to take it personally. So, instead of being let down, I don’t really bring it up, either, unless it’s to inform them of something that effects them.
Post # 5
@jules28: I’d try to let it go if you can.
When I first got engaged I had a friend tell me after I had showed her my ring, “Sorry but I’m not really into diamonds/rings”. Did it hurt at the time? Yes. Did I let it go because our friendship was more important? Also yes.
She also was not very into weddings at all but that didn’t matter really. She was happy for me but that was pretty much the extent of it. She didn’t really ask about planning, etc.
I invited her to the wedding because she was my friend. We went out for drinks and discussed other things in our life rather than focusing on the wedding because she really wasn’t that into “wedding stuff”.
It’s fine. Here’s another example. Horseback riding is a HUGE part of my life but not all my friends are into it. So some friends I talk horseback riding with and others I don’t. Also since that is an ongoing (and lifelong) hobby you could argue it’s even more important than my wedding day/wedding prep.
Talk wedding stuff with the friends who are interested and other stuff with the friends who aren’t.
I know if I had stopped being friends with the one who didn’t care about “wedding stuff” I’d be really sad I’d lost that friend now that the wedding is all over.
Someone can be a good friend and still “not be into weddings”.
Post # 6
Honestly, I think you’re overreacting. Just because it’s a special time for you doesn’t mean it should be a special time for other people. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, isn’t happy for you, etc.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t take it personally. Some people, men and women alike, just aren’t that into weddings. Especially if they’re single, recently broken relationships/engagements/marriages. It’s probably nothing against, you, she probably just doesn’t care about all the little details of a wedding, and that’s okay!
I understand it’s hard, weddings are a very important and special time for the bride and groom, but like other’s have said, it’s not always that special for everyone else.
Post # 8
It’s important to remember that your wedding is most important to you. My friends were vaguely interested, but in a very peripheral way like “How’s the planning going? Have you gotten a dress?” Questions that were very generic and not screaming “TELL ME EVERY DETAIL!!!” Some of my friends did want to know all the details, and some of them didn’t. I was fine with either and wasn’t offended when they didn’t want to talk wedding. I even avoided talking about it a lot because I was super conscious that I might talk someone’s ear off!
It’s not that she doesn’t care about you, but your friendship exists outside of your wedding planning, and while it’s really important to you, it’s actually really good that your friend wants to talk about non-wedding things! We all need a break from it, even you! I would cut your friend some slack and just get back to your regular friendship outside of the wedding 🙂
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
My Mom’s “not into weddings”- I can’t take that one personally. 🙂
I’ve noticed a big difference in how various people react to the wedding- ones that want to know as many plans/details as possible, and others that just want to know when to show up.
Post # 10
I’m not into weddings…and I’ve had two. The first time, I was 21 and had the whole big event. I found most of the planning tedious and was glad when it was over. Second time, I was 33, and let my late Mother-In-Law do most of the planning – she wanted to, and I was more than happy to let her.
I rarely talked about either with friends. If they mentioned it, I’d let them know it was going okay, and (if they were invited) how much I was looking forward to celebrating with them. That was it.
It’s one day. I’m not inflicting it on people for months beforehand.
Post # 11
might be a hint of jealously in there as well. as long as you dont talk about your wedding constantly it’ll be all right. but even then she could still be jealous. some ppl like all eyes and attention on them.
Post # 12
@mnt.082011: I really hate when posters jump straight to the jealousy card! There is absoultely no evidence in what the OP said that would even indicate that the friend was jealous. She was brutally honest tot he OP about not being into weddings. Honestly I don’t want to hear about a friends OMG dilemma over roses or orchids. Would I be there for them if they or their FI were sick or having cold feet or to help hide the body- hell yes but please spare me the talk over what shade of blue looks best.
Just because someone has a lack of interest in one thing in your life or disagrees over something doesn’t amke them jealous! Sorry this just bugs the hell out of me.
Post # 13
@jules28: Unfortunately, no one is going to care as much about your wedding as you do. Your friend has a life of her own as she mentioned and when you start making everything about you, it will alienate people. She was probably feeling like you were so sucked into this wedding business that you were neglecting your friendship. It’s nice that you asked her how stuff was going, but she was most likely irritated because you only asked after she had pointed out that life is a two way street. I think most people give brides a pass and stuff for little while, but if the neglect continues too long, your friends will resent it.
Post # 14
If she is not a bridesmaid, she has no commitment to the wedding and no real reason to talk about it. For you, it is a huge focus of your life, but for her, it will be one day, simply a party that she shows up to, sees a friend get married, and goes home at the end of the night. I think it is completely fair for her to have no real interest in talking about it, and you getting offended is just you forgetting that this is only a life changing event for you and your fiance. To everybody else, its just a party. Try to cut her some slack.
Post # 15
People don’t want to listen to your wedding every second you are with them. Trust me, half the people I talk with care only about themselves and make sure to talk about that 24/7. I try to ask how people are and I don’t like talking about the wedding unless I am here/talking to my mother/talking to my Fiance. Unfortunatly that doesn’t always work because it’s all I’ve been thinking about.
Post # 16
ughhh. I am not into weddings and I am in the middle of planning one for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am so excited to marry and be married to my Fiance but to me it’s our intimate leap together and I am not expecting everyone else to be feeling over the moon for us and throw us a big parade.
I was soo not into my best friends wedding even though I was a bridesmaid…but it also didn’t help that I knew she was making a big mistake marrying the not so great guy she did.
Unless people ask, I don’t talk about my wedding. I figure they don’t want to hear about it 24/7; even though it’s something big in my life right now.