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I would definitely not ask her to be in the wedding party. You're only going to want supportive people around you.
Did she give any reasons for not liking him? We didn't like the FI of a friend of ours and let her know it, and when she confronted us about it, we pointed out that all she ever told us about him was all the bad and annoying stuff he did to upset her. Since then she's started telling us more positive things, and we like him a little more.
Sometimes it's really hard to hear the truth from your friends, especially when it comes to significant others. If your friend is at all like me, she probably wants only the best guys for her best friends. If she has only met him a few times then she doesn't even really know him to begin with. If I were in the position of your friend, there is a chance I would have reservations as well. In reference to what amysue said, have you tended to focus on the negative things he does more so than the positive? That can turn a friend off instantly to the idea of liking your FI.
To answer your question, I would talk with her a bit further before asking her to participate. If it helps, write down a few things you want to say/ask before getting on the phone so you have exactly what you want to say. Hopefully her reservations just stem from the fact that she doesn't really know him. Maybe you can find a time to get together before the wedding (even though she lives 3 hours away) so she can see the two of you together. Once she sees how the two of you interact, how respectfully he treats you and your friends, and how in love the two of you are, hopefully she can come around.
My MOH 'didn't like' my FI for years, until shortly before we got engaged, then she either had a change of heart or is not making an issue for my sake. But my interpretation of her not liking him was that she didn't like how much time he took that I used to spend with her. I also lived with her at the time and having FI over all the time forced her to spend more time with him than she liked. I had never committed so much time and energy to any of my past boyfriends and I think being replaced as best friend was tough. I also noticed that she doesn't like a lot of our other friends' boyfriends. Since you said your friend doesn't like the guy your other pal married and divorced, maybe she's the same way? Maybe she just doesn't like seeing her single friends becoming married friends because she doesn't want to lose you and the relationship the two of you may have had before the guy was in the picture. I think this is especially likely if she doesn't know him well.
Hmm. My first reaction is that there are levels of dislike, ranging from "he seems like an OK guy but I don't really enjoy his company" to "I hate him and think he's awful for you." Just based on what you said, it sounds like your friend falls more into the first category -- she doesn't hate your fiance or think you shouldn't get married, but if she's being totally honest, your fiance is not her first choice of someone to hang out with on a Friday night.
If that's the case, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Sometimes people you love don't get along particularly well; it stinks, but there's not a whole lot you can do about it. As long as she's supportive of you and isn't being negative about the relationship I think your friendship will be just fine.
That said, I think you'd probably be more comfortable if she was just a guest at the wedding. You don't want to be standing there thinking "she doesn't like my FI" while she's reading at the ceremony.
I wouldn't ask her to be a part of the wedding then, but maybe invite her to the bachelorette or some of the "getting ready" activities. Is she negative/critical in general? Is she dating/married. Maybe her priorities/tastes are different than yours.
One of my BMs expressed (before we were engaged) that she didn't see us romantically together, more of friends. It did stick with me, but I know we are meant to be together. She married a guy who swept her off her feet but isn't reliable, and mine is more of a best friend and not always as lovey dovey, but I know he loves me.
Thank you all for the good advice!
@amysue: She didn't give any specific reasons. She normally doesn't ask about him or the wedding when we talk, so it doesn't give me an opportunity to say much, good or bad about him.
I think Crash is right, she might not like seeing all of her friends getting married. She is pretty cynical/negative in general, so I guess I shouldn't be tooo surprised. haha
I think I will feel more comfortable just inviting her as a guest to the wedding. I just hope this doesn't make any future conversations awkward...
Friend and FI actually went to the same college, and we all went to the same high school. The only thing I can think of is that she didn't like the fact that I would spend more time with him than with her when I visited their campus (that was 7 hours away from my college). Still, I rather she hold that grudge against me instead of blaming him.
In college a friend got engaged to a guy that nobody in our circle liked at all (we actually actively disliked him for a variety of reasons).
Her engagement prompted the rest of us to make a pact- if we didn't like a guy, we woud tell our friend the truth.
Fast forward 3 years and my friend is engaged to a guy I think is an jerk and manipulating/using her. She asked me to be her MOH and invoked the pact so I had to tell her the truth.
I tried to be tactful but honest. We talked sincerely about it and I told her, "If you are sure this is the right guy for you I will stand by you and support you on your wedding day and in your marriage."
Like EAQ said- my friend always called me to vent about the guy when he did something to upset her- she never called to tell me when things were going great and he was wonderful.
I explained to my friend that all I knew of her guy (except for a couple of get togethers - since they live far away) was the pain and hurt he had caused her.
As it turns out he's a standup guy and great to/for my friend. In the years they have been married he's been an excellent husband and she made the right choice.
Talking to my friend about my concerns really helped me to be comfortable supporting her choice.
Perhaps you should have a similar heart to heart with your friend. If she's a good friend- it's worth trying to get past this and not let it destroy your friendship.
What I'm curious about is the way this conversation came out. I would like to think if there was truly a problem with your guy, she would ahve initiated the conversation. But that started about the firend who got divorced, then asked about your FI, makes me think she just has a "beef" and wanted to get it off her chest. Maybe she'ss upset about losing a friend. maybe she's jsut heard the bad stuff and is protective. Is it possible she's simply jealous? maybe not necessarily of the guy, but of the wedding? Does she have a boyfriend? Wish she had a boyfirend now? Wish she had a ring on her finger?
When my best friend started to date her now husband all I had heard from her was how big a pig he was and how he was just a complete tool and how he treated women like crap - SO - needless to say, I would think, I was so NOT excited about it!! It took me a bit to warm up to him but now I see that he is a really great guy. And I told my friend that I didn't like him from the moment she told me they were going out!!
I think you need to ask her what she doesn't like about him and see if it's just her giving in to the green monstor and being bitter or if she thinks she has valid reasons. In her mind there may be a real reason not to like him for something she sees.
Have your heart to heart and then see what happens before you make any decissions about her being involved in the wedding.
We all have situations where somebody doesn't like somebody, but if you are true friends and you want her to be a part of your wedding you need to ask yourself, "is she going to act crazy" or will she just sit there nice and quiet. If you think she's a timebomb, I would say no. But if you think she can handle herself in a civil manner then sure. It's hard to make people like each other, so the most important thing is to ensure that everyone can act like adults :)
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WOW that's pretty brutal! I would have to say that I wouldn't bother asking her to have any other part of the wedding but attend. If it gets brought up by her and her feeling of why she had no part in it then I would be honest and let her know. Why be part of something when she had harsh feelings toward your FI! I'm sorry that happened how horrible for you!
If she's a true friend (like you suggested), I wouldn't take it as something to feel hurt and angry toward her until after you talk to her about it.
Find out why she doesn't like him (like, call her tonight, don't wait for a face-to-face). Let her know that her opinion matters to you. If you would be an honest, true friend to her and tell her that you didn't like her FI, then let her know.
And let her state her point before you step in and defend him.
Friends often see things that we don't. This is coming from a girl engaged to a great guy, who had been dating a real jerk (though I didn't see it) before meeting FI. Some of my friends held their tongues, but others let me know that the ex was a jerk. That was true friendship - or at least what most would ask for in a true friend.
Her reasoning will probably be minor and you two can move on with your relationship. But if you stew over it, it could destroy your relationship.
My MOH and FI did not get along for quite a while. It was really just that while I had a chance to get to know both of them, they had not had a chance to see each other in the situations that had bonded me to each of them individually. It was not until this week (months after FI and I became engaged) that they decided to be friends. I think that they were separately insecure about their place of honor in my life. All of my reassuring them did not solve the situation; they had to get there themselves.
I think if your friend does not like your guy, she should tell you why. Sometimes there is something serious there, or even a gut feeling that should be shared. But, she is correct that she is not marrying him and if she just does not like him personally rather than thinking that he is awful for you, it is probably something she can and will (and should) put aside in order to be supportive of you on your big day.
I would definitely bring the issue up one more time (and preface the discussion by saying that she mentioned something that concerned me and I have a few more questions, but that I promised not to bring it up again after this one session) and try to understand what her concerns are. If she just does not know your FI well and how he treats you, or something along those lines, then you can ask her how she would feel about playing a role in your wedding. She will probably be honest about whether or not she can support you (after all, she was honest about what she thought of him).
I know you are hurt and disappointed, but I am sure that she will come to appreciate the role he plays in your life and the fact that she can still be your friend. Sometimes personalities do not mesh, but while less than ideal, she does not have to be your FI's close friend to still be friends with you. (FI and I have "couple friends" as well as our individual friends although we can all play nice at big social events.)
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This may be hard to hear, but you did ask her what she thought. I wouldn't stress too much though. A couple years ago, one of my best friends got engaged to a guy I REALLY didn't like. She knew how I felt, and it caused some problems for a while, but we talked it out. She married him anyway, and I was one of her bridesmaids, and she and I are still great friends. I was wrong - he turned out to be perfect for her. They have one of the best marriages I have ever witnessed. Now she is one of my bridesmaids. Listen to your friend, but also realize that she may not know him as well as you do. Don't lose your friendship over this. Call her up and go hang out. Let her know that she is important to you. If he really is right for you, she will come around!
I wouldn't feel bad about not asking her to be a bridesmaid; I would only ask her to partcipate in another way if you speak to her again and clarify the comments she made.
I've always been of the mindset don't say anything bad about a friend's significant other, even when they break up. If they get back together, it will bite you in the butt. If they are still together, your friend will never forget it {much like her comment is bothering you}. Unless of course, abuse/addiction to drugs or alcohol/cheating plays a role. Then all rules are off.
My MOH, I'll call her Carol, is a very emotional, spiritual person. Who eloped with a guy she'd know for three months my junior year of college. I met FI the week before they married, and she'd moved across the country so she never really got to know him that well. A couple of short visits here and there, but that was about it. We share another best friend who has spent more time with FI and I together, we'll call her Steph.
Six months before the wedding, Carol called me on an off day, I was tired, mad at the world. She kept asking me these weirdly personal questions like "How excited was I to be marrying N?" "What was my favorite thing about him?" Etc. etc. I wasn't in a particularly lovey dovey mood, plus her questions came out of no where. Well, I brought it up to Steph and she confessed that Carol had told her she was worried N and I weren't really in love and she was just worried about me
I was blown away. I had been with my FI for four years at the time and she'd heard me on the phone mulitple times talk about how much I loved him and couldn't wait to marry him just months after we'd met. Anyhow, I didn't say anything to her, but I honestly wasn't thrilled she was giving a speech at our wedding if she didn't believe in us. So, if your friend's heart isn't in it than she might not be too excited to participate and her participation might make you more upset. Just keep that in mind!
Good luck!
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This wouldn't happen to me because my FI is generally a more patient, kinder person than me. I think I got the better end of the deal. :D That said, I would NEVER have someone in the wedding party that didn't like my FI. Then again if I don't like my friend's boyfriends, I generally keep my mouth shut. It really doesn't matter that she doesn't like him, and don't let her comments get into your head.
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I had a similar situation. Your wedding is a celebration of your relationship with your fiancee. If your friend doesn't like him, why should she be a part of that celebration.
In my situation, a friend didn't "approve" of my relationship with my Fiancee when we first started dating, so I refuse to let her stand up for me in the celebration of that relationship, simple as that.
I always think that I'm pretty lucky, because I actually do like most of my friends' spouses, and most of my friends like my husband. But honestly, I have friends whose husband or wife I really don't like, and in some cases I really don't like to be with a friend when their husband or wife is around, because they are so different from the way they are when their spouse isn't there. I don't think this is that rare. My sister has a really good friend whose husband is (as far we all can tell) a real dirtbag. And I have one really good male friend whose wife is just a b*tch.
Whether you talk about these things really depends on how much you want to remain friends. Obviously if your friend is always going on about how much she doesn't like your FI, it will be hard to spend any time with her. And if she really doesn't like him, and you keep trying to change her mind, that will get old for her too. If you value the friendship, I actually wouldn't bring it up. Maybe she will get to like your FI more as she gets to know him more, and maybe not. It is possible for something like that to NOT be an issue in your friendship, if you don't make it one.
And trust me, it gets more complicated. My husband has two long time friends whose wives don't like each other. The guys are great together, but it gets interesting when we all get together as couples! It's entirely possible that you're not going to like all your FI's friends; that he's not going to like all of your friends, and that your friends or his friends will also marry people who you're not crazy about. You don't all have to be best friends with each other, and you probably won't. But you can still be friends with YOUR friends.
I think that your wedding is about you both as a couple, and I know if the tables were turned, and a friend of my Fiance's vocalized distaste for me, I'd feel uncomfortable having him take part in our wedding, no matter how small of a way. This wouldn't deter me from having him as a guest, especially if he was a very good friend of my husband, but I'd definitely not ask him/her to take a "special" role in being a part of our day.
I don't "love" all of my friend's husbands/boyfriends/fiances. I don't know if I've ever really vocalized it, but if a friend asked me point blank whether or not I liked her SO, I'd probably lie through my teeth. And I don't really know which is better... to lie, or tell the truth? Just for the sake of ease, I'd lie. But you know, it's.... lying.
I would invite your friend to attend the wedding. I'm sure when the day arrives she'll be there to wish you the best!
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Last night I was on the phone with a very good friend (friends since first grade!) We were talking about a couple we knew from high school that was recently married and quickly divorced. She said she never liked that guy anyways, so I asked her jokingly if she liked my FI. There was a long pause and then she asked if I wanted her to be honest. This really caught me off guard. She pretty much told me she didn't like FI and said, "but I don't have to marry him." Ouch. After an another awkward pause, I changed the subject and we hung up.
I've been engaged for seven months and have been feeling really guilty nearly that entire time because I had decided to try to keep my wedding party as small as possible, and I did not ask this friend to be a bridesmaid. Now, I guess I don't feel so bad. I was planning on asking her to be a reader or give her another "job" to aknowledge our close friendship and to make sure she still felt like a part of the day. Now I don't know if I feel comfortable doing that.
I guess this is more of a vent. I'm just feeling a little hurt. My FI is a great guy. He treats me so well and is always kind and respectful to my friends. I can't imagine he's done anything to give her a reason to feel this way. She probably has only seen him a handful of times in the last four years that we've been together anyway.
Would you ask a friend to be a part of your wedding if you knew she didn't like your FI? Would you bring it up again with her next time you hung out (she lives about three hours away so I don't see her too often)? Or would you just act like that conversation never happened?
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