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This is a mini-vent, I guess. My guy and I are actively planning a wedding. We meet with a wedding planner, are calling around to churches trying to pin down a date, have rearranged our work schedules for the honeymoon next year - etc., etc.
I do not have a ring yet, though - he has hinted that I will get it for Christmas. Also, we haven't made an official 'public announcement', although best friends and immediate family know.
One of my best friends recently confided to me that she worries about me planning a wedding since I don't have a ring and we aren't 'really' engaged. She doesn't know if I should be planning yet and thinks I should wait until he gets a ring (the reason we started planning right after we decided to get married was mostly due to vendors/venues booking up very fast in this area.)
Now, I love her and I know she didn't mean anything by it. I'm not upset with her, but I do get annoyed with the idea that if you don't have a few thousand dollars worth of jewelry on your left hand that your commitment to get married isn't 'for real'. If our relationship is so questionable that the only thing keeping us together is the money he invested in that rock, well, we have bigger issues then! Doesn't making a commitment to marry each other make you engaged?
I looked at a ton of venues before we got engaged. I thought about my bridesmaid dresses, and picked out a couple of basic color schemes. I also thought about how many people. I had the okay from my fiance since we knew when we were getting married--he was just CLUELESS about timing/when stuff would be booked up.
I don't think it matters, you know?
I will say this: I did not do any real deposits until I got engaged. But, I knew what I wanted by then--no messing around at that point!
Yes, engaged (I think by definition) means that you commit to marrying each other. The jewelry portion is a fairly new concept and no, it's not necessary. My cousin got married with no engagement ring simply because she only wanted to wear a simple wedding band like her parents had done. This certainly made her no less engaged. I say if you are both commited to marrying each other, then have fun planning (and continue to do so - I feel you on the venue/vendor issue)!
I would say that it's perfectly fine to look at venues and things pre-engagement ring, but I would not put down deposits and book anything official until he has at least ASKED you to marry him (ring or no ring). It certainly doesn't hurt for you to already know what you want though, before the ring is on your finger.
Just my 2 cents!
-Bella
I agree that I would make it public though, before I would put down deposits. Ring or now ring doesn't matter in my opinion, but officially annoucing to your families your intentions and making it "public" I think would be an important step.
I second what bella says about deposits. But that just may be my cynical nature. However I do think that you're right, Mr Moo and I would have lengthy discussions about our wedding before he asked me and we were "secretly" engaged for a while - he wanted to make a big announcement for his and my families. But you're entirely right, an engagement is a promise to marry, and you don't have to have a ring, or an engagement party or make a big announcement for that. It's whatever you and your boyfriend decide.
I'm doing all the pre-planning I can stand before we get engaged. However, I'm also in the camp that until I have that ring, I am NOT putting deposits down or talking to my dad about a budget. Not til he actually asks me to marry him. I don't know why, because I don't really have a problem with it. Just hyper-tradional in that my family would be like UMMMMM WTF? Good luck, though! Do what YOU want!
Hmm...I guess I just don't get the ring thing. To me, he's not asking me to marry him 'for real' when he gets the ring, he asked me to marry him 'for real' when we were on the couch one night and we decided as a couple to get married.
He already said he's not doing an official one-knee proposal, that's just not his thing - he will buy the ring based on what I showed him, just like I will buy my dress and my shoes and his engagement gift at some point. So I guess to me, the ring is a purchase, not the thing that makes us 'really' engaged. It's interesting, though, I think I may be in the minority on this one!
it sounds to me like you are engaged, and in your case the ring the ring is more of a formality, and it doesn't make it "real" since it already is. if you're already openly planning together and discussing the wedding together, i don't think there's any reason why you shouldn't be planning. i think your friend and the other posters' hesistancy about putting down deposits would make sense if your SO wasn't involved in the planning, since then it may seem more like it'd be premature to actively plan....like, with my bf, we're definitely getting married someday, and we talk about it, but until he formerly proposes, he doesn't want to make any plans--like, he would discuss options for venues, but wouldn't look at a website for one that i wanted to show him. so me going to look at venues or whatever would be premature. but, with your relationship, imo, it sounds like you're both on the same page.
My sister said to me once before he proposed, after we picked out the ring, "You aren't even engaged yet! It's not just sad... it's downright pathetic." She followed it with "I hope you look fat on your wedding day". True story. I warned her & said she'd better be careful because you can't take words back...
Anyway, unlike my sister, your friend is just showing concern for your well being. She doesn't sound like an evil monster (like my sister) & I would try to take it as she's just watching out for you.
I do however agree with you... once you decided as a couple to marry, it's okay to start looking and planning!! She just doesn't understand :)
My FI and I talked about getting married for years prior to us actually getting engaged. Probably 2 months before he proposed, we got really serious about it... we looked at rings together and talked about guest lists. Meanwhile, I bought my wedding shoes and called to book appointments with venues and photographers. I booked them for in the future, since I was hoping to be engaged by then!
Don't worry about what other people think. Your friend was probably just concerned that you were jumping into wedding planning without a firm commitment to getting married. Only you and your BF know how serious you are about getting married, so do whatever feels right!
"<span style="font-family: tahoma, verdana; font-size: 13px;">So I guess to me, the ring is a purchase, not the thing that makes us 'really' engaged." - I agree. If the two of you have agreed to get married and plan a wedding, you're engaged. Regardless of whether there's a circle of bling around your finger.
As you say, you are "actively planning a wedding" TOGETHER. That is the rock that counts. And the friends who support you in your relationships, not your acquisitions, are the keepers.
Congratulations and good luck.
I did the exact same thing - and as you said an engagement does not equal a ring!!!!!
I think your friend is just worried for you and will probably just feel better when you announce that you are engaged but I do hope that she thinks an engagement is more than a ring.
If you and your SO have made the commitment to get married I say jump right in and plan - for me it made the engagement really relaxing - I took 3 weeks off planning after the proposal just to enjoy the moment!
I did the same thing as well, FI and I had a strict timeline for our wedding but he wanted to propose in his own way, which had a specific date. Our friends knew as did our immediate family that we were actively planning the wedding together, a few people didn't approve but I didn't care. We picked a date and started putting down deposits. The ring was really just a formality.
I agree with you totally Circus Peanut, I don't think a ring is anything but a symbol of a promise two people make to one another. I think the promises behind it, the commitement, the decisons that two people make together mean more than a ring. I got irritated as well when I'd talk about my wedding, then people would tell me, with a sad look, "oh, so you're not really engaged." It's irritating and frustrating, but honestly, I think you should say something about how you feel. You're friend may not have meant anything by what she said, but maybe if she understood how you felt she wouldn't say anything like that again.
I feel where you're coming from but at the same time I understand why some people wouldn't consider it "real" without a ring. My FI and I were together for 5.5 years before he proposed, but we were always talking about our wedding and the second that he slipped that ring on my finger was the second that I pulled my wedding planning books off of our bookshelf and began booking vendors. By the time we were official engaged (when he got on one knee and slipped that rock on my ring finger) we already knew when and where we were going to have our wedding.
But - to each their own. A ring doesn't decide whether a couple is engaged or even married for that matter. But thinking an engagement ring has significant meaning to the engagement is a traditional way of thinking and what's a wedding without tradition?
Yep, if you've committed to marrying each other, than in my book, YOU ARE ENGAGED. Ring or no ring...
Do you consider yourselves engaged? Or will the ring make you feel more 'official'? If you're open and communicating and planning together, I don't think there's a problem with planning or even making deposits. If you're checking places out alone and your FI doesn't realize, that's a different story...
as long as you and he are on the same page, no one else really matters. If people are getting uneasy though, maybe consider making an annoucement, even if you don't have a ring yet. Afterall, it's just a symbol, right?
agree with most of the pp... the ring is just a formality. i don't think it's a big deal for you to check out venues etc as long as your fiance/boyfriend is okay with it. i think your friend is just trying to protect you which is what friends are there to do :D.. tell her to chillax.
Tell her she shouldn't talk without thinking and then you won't plan without a ring
A ring really does not mean anything. He could give you a ring and still not even be serious. In your circumstance it seems he is very serious about marrying you. My fiance and I are getting married in 3 months and I planned the whole thing. So I would not worry about a ring at all.
everyone's different =) don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise!!
I agree that you can be engaged without a ring, but I too would worry about a friend that was planning without a ring, a proposal, or a public announcement. I think if you two are considering yourselves engaged, you should tell people. It won't make the ring announcement any less exciting, believe me, DH and I did it that way!
I am doing exactly what you are doing. I am not wearing my ring yet (We're waiting on the jewler to get in the kind of stone that I want and we'll go from there. My actual ring has been sitting in my bedroom for about three days now just screaming for me to wear her. I should get her sometime this week!) But yes, prior to even purchasing the rings, I'd put a deposit down on a venue and booked a photographer and have tried on many wedding dresses. If you don't book places in advance, nothing worthwhile will be available for you. I completely understand. I didn't realize HOW quickly things got booked up until I called to book my venue and had to move our wedding date back a month and move it to a Sunday. So, IMHO, you're doing the smart thing. Don't worry about your friend-- she's just not in your shoes. Maybe she's jealous.
I have a former classmate. Has the ring and he has asked. They are still waiting to get married (on what, I don't know) and it has been 4 years.
So.....by your friends standards, her SO, opps, FIANCE, is more serious than yours........ But to each their own....
I say, next time, anything wedding related, keep it to yourself. Some people are negative nancys. You know he's serious. He knows he's serious. That's all that matters.
Haha your friends would disapprove of me. I had my dress before I had my ring! Actually I bought my dress the same day FH bought my ring but it wasn't another 3 months until the ring was on my finger. My mom and I did the dress shopping and opted to not tell anyone when it was purchased, rather we kept it a secret until we were offically engaged and then let everyone think that is when we got it.
As for making plans...FH and I had talked about the things we wanted and had gotten information. I even had designed our invitations and started them, but we knew the engagement was coming. However, I did not want to talk with any vendors face to face until I had a ring. That was just my personal feelings on the issue. It was bad enough getting a dress without on but no one even asked where it was.
I agree with that other have said. The ring is just a symbol of the engagement that people commonly regonize. Some people don't even get a ring. An ex of mine's mom was given a grandfather clock instead of a ring as an "engagement gift". So tell your friends to shhhh and go ahead and plan your wedding the way you want and when you want. They can do the same when it's THEIR turn.
Okay let me preface this by saying I am old fashion and conservative.
I don't think that you should plan anything at all until he has officially asked you to marry him and you are publicly telling people that you are engaged. Engaged does NOT mean you have to have a ring on your finger.
So if it is just a having the ring vs not having a ring but he has asked you to marry him and you are openly telling your friends, family etc then plan.
If he is hinting around at asking you soon or you have talked about being married but he has not asked then do not plan.
With the guy I was with before FI talking about marriage and a wedding was very common for us and our families had been encouraging us to go down the aisle for a while but that relationship did not work out and it was even harder in the end because we had been planning. I had even checked out venues but after FI and I got engaged I eliminated a couple of venues because those places were so very associated with my previous relationship.
I am not saying that your relationship will not work but I am saying save planning until you can openly tell people about it - it is soooo much more fun!
my FI and i settled on a date and booked a venue before we were 'officially' engaged. we only told our immediate family about our date and venue. we decided to do this without the ring because, like you said, things get booked up! and in our case, we originally wanted 10-10-10 (an even more popular date!) but due to getting the venue of our dreams, our date is now oct 11th.
I think your friend has mixed-up priorities and should probably mind her own business. A ring is not getting engaged, getting engaged is getting engaged, and you are. What about couples who don't even use engagement rings? Yes, they do exist! 
@circus peanuts ... I am in the same boat, I have just put the deposit on the church, and there isnt' a ring yet, because I know it is in the works and we had sort of figured out when next year we wanted to get married ... and I worried about missing out on "the" church if I waited until the ring was ready.
However, he has asked that I try to limit the announcements (because in my mind we are now engaged) until he is able to formally propose to me with a ring. Which I totally respect.
He wants to wait until we are formally proposed before talking to his parents (to see if they may help us with a reception) ... so we aren't doing any further planning at this point until we know what our actual wedding budget is. Which I'm fine ... there are tonnes of places to do a reception at in Toronto, but very few churches that meeted all our needs.
If two people make an agreement and committment to get married, they're engaged. You and your FI are definitely engaged. I wouldn't worry about your friend... just listen to her opinions, smile, and politely disagree. :)
I don't think you need a ring to be engaged. If he already asked you, even if it was on the couch sans ring, even if it wasn't so much of a question as a mutual agreement, it's still an engagement. I will add that I was calling vendors and checking prices a full year and a half before my husband proposed since I knew it was coming and wanted to be able to get things done quickly once he did propose.
My only thing is that I personally wouldn't put any deposits down until you've announced your engagement to everyone you plan on inviting. What happens when you have a family member or friend who gets engaged, announced it to everyone, and chooses the same date as you? Hopefully that wouldn't happen, but you'd look bad if you kept your original date (even if you did pick it first) and if you changed your date you'd risk loosing your deposits.
If you both see yourselves as engaged why not announce it to everyone now? Are you just afraid of people's comments about a lack of ring? If you don't feel like explaining it to everyone you could just tell them your ring is at the jewelers ;) Also, it might be more exciting because you'd get to announce it now and then show your ring later so 2x the excitement!
Thanks for all the responses! It's interesting to read the different views on this.
To clarify, we have picked a date that we will announce our engagement - he really wants to do it over the holidays when his entire family is together. I can understand not wanting to tell many people before then because word tends to travel fast and I think it would definitely ruin the surprise!
As far as waiting on a proposal, I guess in my mind I'm not sure what that would mean...i.e., how him getting down on one knee and asking "Will you marry me?" would be any more binding than him coming to meet the priest with me because we've mutually agreed on a wedding date. Like I said, it's interesting to see different viewpoints, though, since I'm not a very traditional person and I think some of that stuff doesn't really register with me!
I think everyone is different also. I don't think your friend should be attacked by strangers because she was honest with you about her concerns. If a friend can't be honest on that account than what kind of friendship is it really, ya know?
I agree that you are committed to one another and know you WILL get married, so if you honestly consider yourself engaged then why not share that with others. My FI and I had said many many times that there is no doubt that we will get married but we didn't do any planning because - to us - we weren't necessarily ENGAGED until it was an official ask "Will you marry me?" That doesn't mean it has to be the same for you, but I will say once we got engagaed a lot of our ideas of what we wanted as a wedding changed.
@GaBGal...I see your point about telling people if this is what we're doing, BUT, I also see his point about doing it over the holidays. Like I said, I am not traditional, but for him I can understand wanting to wait for a family gathering to make an 'announcement'. I don't know, maybe I should be worried about that, but to me that rationale did make sense.
I think as far as our plans for the wedding, that probably won't change once we announce it or whatnot. We've already got a venue and a tentative layout of events from our wedding planner, so I think we're kind of locked in to most of our choices at this point.
It's funny, maybe this is more common in this area. My good friend just got married and, much like me, by the time she put on the ring and made a public announcement, she had already booked all of her vendors and booked a venue. I think the competition for vendors in this area probably does affect people's attitudes around here!
Well I think...its your wedding, so you can do what you want, ring or no ring. And your friend should just be happy for you. Some people need the ring to feel engaged, and others don't. It sounds like you're one of the ones who doesn't, so just enjoy planning! Hopefully you won't eventually drive yourself crazy waiting on a ring!
@ Circus Peanut -- I understand the idea of telling everyone at the holidays too... except if they already know you are planning, they won't really have a surprise reaction. Personally, I'd be like "uh... yeah....we kinda figured that out already" type of reaction. So if you aren't looking for a reaction like that, then def. wait til the holidays! Meaning, if you just want everyone to share in the official "moment" of it all, then waiting to holidays is probably best.
Also, if this a norm in your area that I wouldn't worry about it
Sorry I didn't really read the other posts, if I'm repeating.
1. I don't think you need an engagement ring to be engaged. But that depends on the couple. It sounds like you are engaged. But for some couples, the guy is wishy washy, "Someday", "it'll happen soon," sort of fellows. Perhaps this was your friend's experience? But if you both have decided to get married, and are both on board with making those officials steps to prepare for the wedding, you're fine.
2. I cna definitely see why you are waiting to announce to family. Not only having everyone present, but I'll guess that when telling them, he does want to thavethat ring on your finger. (Just look at how your friend responded.)
3. As far as the friend, I have a couple of questions. How close are you and this friend? When she says the part about not planning without a ring, is she sounding annoyed or concerned, like you're being an idiot or maybe just not peaking around those corners? If she sounds genuinely concerned, I think people in general, could cut the friend a little slack. Maybe she has an experience in which a guy has kept her hanging on. I know there' a lot of "the OPs friend should mind her own business". But she's her friend. If she is a close friend, umm don't we all say what's on our mind to our friends? If we think they might be doing something that is a mistake? I guess we all could say the friend doesn't have any business butting in. However, if she's a close friend Circus, could you try explaining to her the facts of the situation. And that he has asked you to marry him, you simply are waiting on a ring? (She just might have misinterpretted the situation.)
I honestly think your friend has your best interest in mind. As you stated before your & your FIs engagmenet process hasn't been the norm or traditional, which is fine since it works for the two of you, but I'm sure your friend just doesn't understand that situation since shes probably never heard of that type of engagement process.
I would assure her that you and your FI have made a verbal commitment to each other & THAT is the reason you have went forth with the wedding plans. Just tell her not to worry & that you are confident in your decision.
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