Post # 1
This is a mini-vent, I guess. My guy and I are actively planning a wedding. We meet with a wedding planner, are calling around to churches trying to pin down a date, have rearranged our work schedules for the honeymoon next year – etc., etc.
I do not have a ring yet, though – he has hinted that I will get it for Christmas. Also, we haven’t made an official ‘public announcement’, although best friends and immediate family know.
One of my best friends recently confided to me that she worries about me planning a wedding since I don’t have a ring and we aren’t ‘really’ engaged. She doesn’t know if I should be planning yet and thinks I should wait until he gets a ring (the reason we started planning right after we decided to get married was mostly due to vendors/venues booking up very fast in this area.)
Now, I love her and I know she didn’t mean anything by it. I’m not upset with her, but I do get annoyed with the idea that if you don’t have a few thousand dollars worth of jewelry on your left hand that your commitment to get married isn’t ‘for real’. If our relationship is so questionable that the only thing keeping us together is the money he invested in that rock, well, we have bigger issues then! Doesn’t making a commitment to marry each other make you engaged?
Post # 3
I looked at a ton of venues before we got engaged. I thought about my bridesmaid dresses, and picked out a couple of basic color schemes. I also thought about how many people. I had the okay from my fiance since we knew when we were getting married–he was just CLUELESS about timing/when stuff would be booked up.
I don’t think it matters, you know?
I will say this: I did not do any real deposits until I got engaged. But, I knew what I wanted by then–no messing around at that point!
Post # 4
Yes, engaged (I think by definition) means that you commit to marrying each other. The jewelry portion is a fairly new concept and no, it’s not necessary. My cousin got married with no engagement ring simply because she only wanted to wear a simple wedding band like her parents had done. This certainly made her no less engaged. I say if you are both commited to marrying each other, then have fun planning (and continue to do so – I feel you on the venue/vendor issue)!
Post # 5
I would say that it’s perfectly fine to look at venues and things pre-engagement ring, but I would not put down deposits and book anything official until he has at least ASKED you to marry him (ring or no ring). It certainly doesn’t hurt for you to already know what you want though, before the ring is on your finger.
Just my 2 cents!
Post # 6
I agree that I would make it public though, before I would put down deposits. Ring or now ring doesn’t matter in my opinion, but officially annoucing to your families your intentions and making it “public” I think would be an important step.
Post # 7
I second what bella says about deposits. But that just may be my cynical nature. However I do think that you’re right, Mr Moo and I would have lengthy discussions about our wedding before he asked me and we were “secretly” engaged for a while – he wanted to make a big announcement for his and my families. But you’re entirely right, an engagement is a promise to marry, and you don’t have to have a ring, or an engagement party or make a big announcement for that. It’s whatever you and your boyfriend decide.
Post # 8
I’m doing all the pre-planning I can stand before we get engaged. However, I’m also in the camp that until I have that ring, I am NOT putting deposits down or talking to my dad about a budget. Not til he actually asks me to marry him. I don’t know why, because I don’t really have a problem with it. Just hyper-tradional in that my family would be like UMMMMM WTF? Good luck, though! Do what YOU want!
Post # 9
Hmm…I guess I just don’t get the ring thing. To me, he’s not asking me to marry him ‘for real’ when he gets the ring, he asked me to marry him ‘for real’ when we were on the couch one night and we decided as a couple to get married.
He already said he’s not doing an official one-knee proposal, that’s just not his thing – he will buy the ring based on what I showed him, just like I will buy my dress and my shoes and his engagement gift at some point. So I guess to me, the ring is a purchase, not the thing that makes us ‘really’ engaged. It’s interesting, though, I think I may be in the minority on this one!
Post # 10
it sounds to me like you are engaged, and in your case the ring the ring is more of a formality, and it doesn’t make it “real” since it already is. if you’re already openly planning together and discussing the wedding together, i don’t think there’s any reason why you shouldn’t be planning. i think your friend and the other posters’ hesistancy about putting down deposits would make sense if your SO wasn’t involved in the planning, since then it may seem more like it’d be premature to actively plan….like, with my bf, we’re definitely getting married someday, and we talk about it, but until he formerly proposes, he doesn’t want to make any plans–like, he would discuss options for venues, but wouldn’t look at a website for one that i wanted to show him. so me going to look at venues or whatever would be premature. but, with your relationship, imo, it sounds like you’re both on the same page.
Post # 11
My sister said to me once before he proposed, after we picked out the ring, “You aren’t even engaged yet! It’s not just sad… it’s downright pathetic.” She followed it with “I hope you look fat on your wedding day”. True story. I warned her & said she’d better be careful because you can’t take words back…
Anyway, unlike my sister, your friend is just showing concern for your well being. She doesn’t sound like an evil monster (like my sister) & I would try to take it as she’s just watching out for you.
I do however agree with you… once you decided as a couple to marry, it’s okay to start looking and planning!! She just doesn’t understand 🙂
Post # 12
My FI and I talked about getting married for years prior to us actually getting engaged. Probably 2 months before he proposed, we got really serious about it… we looked at rings together and talked about guest lists. Meanwhile, I bought my wedding shoes and called to book appointments with venues and photographers. I booked them for in the future, since I was hoping to be engaged by then!
Don’t worry about what other people think. Your friend was probably just concerned that you were jumping into wedding planning without a firm commitment to getting married. Only you and your BF know how serious you are about getting married, so do whatever feels right!
Post # 13
“<span style=”font-family: tahoma, verdana; font-size: 13px;”>So I guess to me, the ring is a purchase, not the thing that makes us ‘really’ engaged.” – I agree. If the two of you have agreed to get married and plan a wedding, you’re engaged. Regardless of whether there’s a circle of bling around your finger.
Post # 14
As you say, you are “actively planning a wedding” TOGETHER. That is the rock that counts. And the friends who support you in your relationships, not your acquisitions, are the keepers.
Congratulations and good luck.
Post # 15
I did the exact same thing – and as you said an engagement does not equal a ring!!!!!
I think your friend is just worried for you and will probably just feel better when you announce that you are engaged but I do hope that she thinks an engagement is more than a ring.
If you and your SO have made the commitment to get married I say jump right in and plan – for me it made the engagement really relaxing – I took 3 weeks off planning after the proposal just to enjoy the moment!
Post # 16
I did the same thing as well, FI and I had a strict timeline for our wedding but he wanted to propose in his own way, which had a specific date. Our friends knew as did our immediate family that we were actively planning the wedding together, a few people didn’t approve but I didn’t care. We picked a date and started putting down deposits. The ring was really just a formality.
I agree with you totally Circus Peanut, I don’t think a ring is anything but a symbol of a promise two people make to one another. I think the promises behind it, the commitement, the decisons that two people make together mean more than a ring. I got irritated as well when I’d talk about my wedding, then people would tell me, with a sad look, “oh, so you’re not really engaged.” It’s irritating and frustrating, but honestly, I think you should say something about how you feel. You’re friend may not have meant anything by what she said, but maybe if she understood how you felt she wouldn’t say anything like that again.