(Closed) Friend hurt she wasn't invited

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Eh, she will just  have to get over it. Reiterate that you’d love to have her there, and would if circumstances were different. You hope she comes to the reception and though you understand that her feelings are hurt, you would be disappointed not to see her on your day. Leave the decision up to her, but don’t be surprised if she continues to be a baby.

Maybe when/if she plans a wedding, she will understand.

Post # 4
7653 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would be glad if my friend voiced that concern, but I would take care of it right away and once I’ve said what I need to say it’s done. There will be no more talk of it. She will just have to accept the fact that she can’t come to this. It isn’t as if you singled her out. You told her why, and if she can’t understand that its her problem, not yours.

Post # 5
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am going to play devil’s advocate here, and show you the other side.

A wedding reception is to host those who honored you by watching your ceremony.  Its not like this is a Destination Wedding and you invited everyone to celebrate with you far away, but are having an at home reception for those who couldn’t travel.  This is 2 wedding receptions, and only a third of the guests are ‘allowed’ to see you actually get married.

You’re basically telling her (unless I’m wrong and you are spreading the word that you don’t want gifts) that she isn’t good enough to watch you get married, but you still want her to travel to party with you and maybe give you a present.  How would you feel if things were reversed?

I know your plans are final, but I will say that this isn’t exactly the most polite thing to do to the 100 people only invited to the after-honeymoon reception.  Yes, some bees have private weddings and larger receptions, but a private wedding is the two of you, your parents, your siblings.  The 50 people at this first part lead me to belive these are mor than just those people.

Post # 6
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If no friends were invited at all, then I would say she is being a little emotional. However you did invite other friends, so in effect you did actually rank her against those that were invited. I would be a bit hurt too. This doesnt mean its the end of your friendship, but it is a side effect drawing a line that didnt have a rational end (IE only family)

Post # 7
2414 posts
Buzzing bee

She is invited to the larger party later on — what is her problem?

It’s your day, not hers, for heaven’s sake.

I can’t imagine putting a friend on the spot and giving them a hard time over this. She should be ashamed of herself.

I would flip her comment back in the other direction and tell her that in fact, you’re glad that now YOU know where the friendship stands. Sheesh.

OP, do *not* let her manipulate you into feeling guilty.

Post # 8
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

I think it’s good that she spoke her mind, obviously she wants to remain close friends, and thus isn’t harboring the resentment, she’s explaining her feelings and wants to keep everything out in the open.  

Post # 9
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

It’s good that she expressed her feelings, but putting you in a difficult spot like that… not cool. And saying something like, “I know where our friendship stands…” WOW! There’s a difference between speaking your mind and knowing your place. But I’m sure she’s a good friend to you, so hopefully she still comes to the reception.

Post # 10
61 posts
Worker bee

Honestly I’d be hurt too. I know it’s not your fault and I understand your desire to have a small event, which is fine. Your friend probably gets it too. But I can see how she’d still be hurt considering that other friends are going too, and that she needs to fly across the country to see you (let’s not forget that flying is expensive and she would prefer having “the whole package”). If she’s the only one who’s upset about it, do you think you could invite her once you receive your first decline? When you think about it, she has known you for 5 years. It’s not 10 years but it’s still a good number.

Post # 11
24 posts

I myself have been a lurker for a few months now but decided create and account after seeing a few posts that I wanted to comment on. This being one of them since I have witnessed a similar experience. First and foremost Congratulations on your impending nuptials. I hope that your day goes well and that your marriage is filled with love and laughter. Now about your friend: I am inclined to agree with a previous poster. The situation becomes sticky as soon as you start inviting any friends at all. If it were only family i’m sure she wouldn’t have felt this strongly about it. I understand both sides of the situation however in this instance I am inclined to side with your friend. I noted that you mentioned on several instances that she is a very close friend. What you seem to have done in the selection process is placed more value on the length of friendships rather than the depths of them. I have had people who I’ve been friends with for 15 years and people who I’ve been friends with for 2 and to be honest if I had to choose which one I’d want present at a milestone in my life in some of the cases it would be the person with the shorter of the two friendships because for me a friendship isn’t based on how long we can keep in contact it’s based on what we go through together, how often you’re there for me etc. What may have happened with your friend (and this is just an assumption) is that she felt that what you two have endured together was worth more than the time of your friendship. 

Overall I think that by her opening up to you about how she felt is a step in the right direction and is a testament to what your friendship means to her the fact that she wants to work through it. I’m sure that even though she says that she won’t come to the reception she’s just upset and I’m sure she will attend. 


I am also compelled to say that people always comment on how the wedding is your day and everyone else just needs to suck up your decisions and deal with it however a wedding is in fact about the people being invited, two people could easily get married at city hall yet they choose to host a party because they want to be surrounded by friends and family and people who love them and as such the least you can do is consider their feelings. I doubt that your friend is truly trying to manipulate I mean honestly what does she truly have to gain by attending the ceremony as opposed to the reception? What does anyone have to gain? The reception is where the free food and drinks are so why make a fuss about attending the ceremony?

Just food for thought.


Post # 12
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We had a small ceremony/reception and there were a number of people who were upset they were not invited. The people who are truly happy for you are happy whether or not they received an invitation. To be honest, we have lost a few friendships over this and while it does sting, but, life goes on. I’m sorry that you found a reason to post but I promise you that this will more than likely blow over and all will be well! *hugs*

Post # 13
8360 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@futuremrsfitz18:  I agree and even if the B&G circulate a no gifts required message most people will bring a gift regardless because it is polite (which we all know they will do). So I can understand why someones feelings would be hurt.

But I also don’t understand the reasoning for the second reception? I understanding wanting a small wedding but doesn’t the large second reception defeat that purpose?

Post # 14
1 posts

I didn’t receive a wedding invite from what I thought was a close friend. This thread was helpful in reevaluating everything, so thank you everyone for the responses. 

A little history: ‘Joe’ and I have friends for about 10 years. He was one of the first people to come visit me when I went away to college, whenever I came home he was someone I called, and that was after years of good friendship. Over the last few years, life and work have pulled us in different directions (we’re both in our late 20’s), which has distanced us but is expected with where we both are in life. With that we still kept in touch and I always considered him a great friend. When I was out of the country in 2010-2011 for work, he reached out to me feeling as if we were becoming disconnected and we must change that. Flattered, I informed him of my return in 2 months and that we must meet up. I always considered him a great friend, and would never want him to think otherwise. 

Upon my return last summer he became engaged about 3 weeks later and without question personally called him to congratulate him. I must have tried 5 or 6 times to arrange a meet-up afterwards, but timing was never on our side and it did seem one-sided. Of course that’s life, Joe had a new engagement, busy job, and life…it’s the way the cookie crumbles, no need to get bent out of shape about it.

Anyways, I didn’t receive an invite to the wedding, which hurt, but I did my best to justify it as just an unfortunate cutback to the list/expenses. What REALLy hurt was when I didn’t receive a invite to the Jack and Jill. For those who don’t know, as seems to be a Canadian thing, it’s a celebration party for guests invited and not invited to the wedding. I was royally insulted, and let my anger eat away at me on and off. Last week I stumbled upon this thread and decided to confront him about it, as I was really beating myself up over it and questioning what I could have done to cause our friendship to deteriorate? 

Well I will say that was the right move, as it seemed to be a oversight and mistake on the invite list. Joe was extremely pleasant and thanked me for bringing this up. He personally admitted to the mess up, as the invites were sent online and my name was erroneously forgotten on the list. His response definitely sounded genuine and he did apologize profusely while stating that he hoped our friendship wouldn’t be damaged by it…He also revealed that I was initially on their list of 260, but they had to reduce it to 190 for the venue and I axed for  family spots. Needless to say he had hoped we cleared things up and ‘joe’ even extended an invite to meet-up and grab a drink soon….yeah right.

Funny that his apologetic explanation about everything only came out when I confronted him. Only then was the fact I didn’t get an invite to either unfortunate and that ‘he messed up royally with the JnJ’ but rest assured we’re still great friends and always will be! Had I not confronted him, I would have still be down and out, while everything would have stayed par for the course. He would have never expressed his ‘regret’ and I would have just been sitting-out on the sidelines. I’m not stupid. The JnJ aside, he could have been more transparent about the wedding invitation. If the roles were reversed, especially if he had called to congratulate me let alone our past, I would owe him respect and honesty about the whole situation — “Look I’m really sorry bro, but I won’t be able to invite you due to family spots….” I would truthfully feel bad and wouldn’t want to leave anything up to speculation. 

Honestly, this has damaged our friendship and I do know where I stand. This wasn’t just some ‘friend’ to me, this was someone that I had the pleasure of enjoying years of countless adventures and experiences with, and who I considered a big part of my life. He was there for up and downs, much like I was for him. Heck, 4 years ago when he broke up with his girlfriend before the fiance, I was the first person he called since he was obviously upset. I’ve been fortunate enough to be invited to many weddings in the past, but even some of those friends weren’t as close as I considered ‘joe’. 

For all of those that are saying: “She’ll get over it!”, “She’s out of line!”, “God, Drama-queen!” etc…etc…, please empathize with the receiving person. Sure, it’s your wedding but don’t illustrate these people as malicious when in some cases they’re most likely hurt. I know that for me it wasn’t about free drinks, party, pretty girls, good times, or starting drama, it was about celebrating an important event with a close friend. Realizing that you placed someone in higher regard than they reciprocated to you, can be a tough pill to swallow.

How you handle your actions in this sensitive subject is extremely important. 

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