(Closed) Friend invited herself to be bridesmaid

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

WOW, this is crazy!! I would probably just say (in the nicest way possible), "yeah, we hope you can be there to help us celebrate – and we are having a small bridal party, so we are limiting the numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but we’d still love for you to attend as a guest" or if you want to find another (much smaller) role for her- reader, guestbook attendant, handing out programs, etc. to make her feel included. It’s entirely up to you!! Good luck!!

Post # 4
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yeah thats always a tough situation to be in. Is your bridal party even right now? Maybe say that your FI only has X number and you really want to keep it simple and even. Also maybe promise she will be invited to the bachelorette stuff if you have that and whatnot too. Tell her it will also save her money not being in it, because you expect the bridsmaids to pay $X for this, this and this. I really don’t know what else, if she were awesome like me and got chosen over for a bridal party spot by someone the bride rarely talks too when I lived with her for 3 years, you just shrug and be happy you don’t have to pay $135 for the dress or worry about pitching in to throw any showers or whatever else. 

Post # 5
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

That’s a little awkward! I understand how that would be awkward though, but since its a cruise you can maybe explain you’re really keeping it small and these two girls are your only attendants and include her in all the other events? If she’s not sure she can even make the cruise, by the time everyone makes their reservations – if she hasn’t – you can just ignore it then?

I had a girl assume she was a BM too, when I got engaged she called and was like "Congrats! What’s my dress going to be like? Am I a BM or MOH?" Um, neither actually. She’s very high maintenance and complains about everything…a total pessimist. 

Post # 6
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

Another possibility might be that she actually can’t be a bridesmaid (money, time, job, etc) and was worried you might want her to be one…Maybe she was just trying to drop a hint that she actually couldn’t do it, in case you were going to ask her? Just a thought, hopefully whatever you say, she will be receptive and open and mature enough to be happy with what makes you happy~

Post # 7
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

just say don’t worry about being in my wedding because i only plan on having so and so in it to make it simple for you

Post # 8
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Just curious.  Did she say why she might not be able to be in the wedding?   When she said this, what did you say?

I’m just wondering if she feels she definitely can’t, or what the hold up could be.  From where I stand, if she feels she can’t be in the wedding, maybe there’s no need for you to say anything.  Then you get the party you want, and she is none the wiser that you never would have asked her.

Post # 9
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am in a very similar situation.  I didn’t ask for a good friend to be in the party, but I did ask 2 others who we both know.  However instead of talking to me about it she talked to everyone else.  When we finally let the dust settle, I told her that we were keeping the party small and instead brought attention to her abilities as a designer, and asked her to assist in designing the programs and to do a reading.  This way she is still involved but not just up in front with me.  Good luck, I know what you are going through!

Post # 10
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

As someone who has been there and is doing that, I have to say you should put your foot down earlier rather than later.  You can still be nice about it while being firm… but trust me when I say that rolling over on this one is going to bring nothing but bad feelings!

Post # 11
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018 - The Grand Old House, Grand Cayman

I would just tell her that for whatever reason, you and your FI have decided to have a very small wedding party–just two people.  I didn’t include any of my friends in my wedding party (had my sisters and SIL, a total of 4) and just told my friends that, flat out.  Find other ways to include her and make her feel special, but don’t compromise what you want just because she is making assumptions!

Post # 12
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I had one of my BM invite herself to be the MOH! And I just flat out said to her that I had already asked my cousin! If she doesn’t bring it up again, I wouldn’t bother addressing it, but if she does let her know you’ve already chosen your people and you wanted to stay with a small number, but you’d love her help or involvement if she was interested.

 

Post # 14
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Please be honest with her, it might also be a good idea to say you would have loved to have her as a BM, but hopefully she can help you dress/go dress shopping with you/help make invitations or something else that will help her feel involved. A friend of mine didn’t choose me for a BM and I felt hurt (now I understand why but at the time I struggled a bit) and the way I dealt with the hurt almost ruined our friendship. So being honest sooner rather than later is a good idea 🙂

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