(Closed) Friend is Getting Married Advice

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

IMHO you are there to be her bridesmaid, she isn’t paying you to be her wedding coordinator. Even though the ideas might not be what you’d do they are what she wants to do. Don’t just blindly agree with everything she says, try to offer more constructive criticism, but also, don’t try to change her wants. This is her wedding and she has asked you to be her bridesmaid because you are special to her.

Post # 4
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

You need to let her see her vision through.  Be a bridesmaid and be supportive of her decisions unless she asks for your honest opinion and expertise but even then be careful.  She asked you to be a BM and not the planner.  I know it will be hard but you risk your friendship otherwise.  No matter what my mom thinks of my ideas she just says I am the bride and it’s my choice.

Post # 5
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think there’s a difference between having a nontraditional wedding and breaking etiquette rules. You should be supportive of her style and ideas in matters like wearing a short dress or having a hors d’oeuvres reception – no need to point out that you would never do that yourself. As a coordinator, I bet you’ll work with brides who have very different styles, and you need to be able to get excited about them even if it’s not your personal preference. 

I’m curious what exactly you think is wrong with her vision and why you are obligated to change it? If she was doing something rude or inconveniencing guests, I think it would be okay to explain that to her, but from your post, it doesn’t seem like she is breaking any etiquette rules at all! 

Post # 6
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Planning a wedding is stressful, and it’s probably really difficult and/or hurtful for her to hear from you that most of her ideas and plans aren’t “appropriate” or “done.”  What she needs from you is help realizing her vision for her day, not a play by play of “shoulds” and “musts.” 

I would note that as a professional you will likely be asked with some frequency to assist brides whose ideas and tastes do not conform to the textbook definition of “wedding.”  Your job, unless you intend to limit your clientel exclusively to brides whose tastes are identical to yours, will be to help them achieve an ideal wedding on their terms – no matter how wacky or tacky.  Think of your friend’s wedding as practice and bite your tongue.

Post # 7
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I personally think this is a time to stand down, and just be a friend.  The fact that your profession will one day be to plan events like this is probably making it near impossible BUT, you can’t risk your friendship.  The fact that she wants something nontraditional isn’t so bad, lots of brides choose that.  As long as she’s not offending anyone, it shouldn’t be an issue at all.  And if any of the ideas she has seem like disasters, just offer your assistance, hopefully she’ll take you up on the help.  Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i would stop thinking as a coordinator and just be there for her as a bridesmaid. just because you don’t agree with her vision, doesn’t make it not ok and doesn’t mean it’s not right for her. just look at the bees and brides on this website, there are many non traditional brides who don’t go by the book and still have beautiful and fun weddings. plus, she asked you to be a bridesmaid because she needs your support.

Post # 9
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

It’s best to support her vision for her day. If she’s stated that she wants more of a “party” feel than a traditional wedding; then help her achieve exactly what she wants.

Post # 10
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yeah, I’m wondering what “etiquette rules” she’s breaking…?

However, I do think that even though this isn’t your idea for a wedding, it’s hers.  As an event planner, I’m sure you’re going to have to plan tons of events that are not exactly what you would do yourself.

Post # 11
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I think her vision sounds great and I don’t understand why you would want to change it.  You’ll have the chance to do your wedding the way you want.  Won’t you be upset if someone keeps trying to change your vision when that time comes and keeps telling you how bored your guests will be and how uninteresting and lacking in fun your traditional wedding is?  (I do not! think that there’s anything wrong or unenjoyable about traditional weddings but am just  trying to get you to see another side on this). 

Certainly something like a short dress is not something anyone should express disaproval off.  It doesn’t hurt anyone and will make her feel the way she wants and give off the vibe she is going for.  She is the bride the last thing she should have to hear is negative comments on her dress from bridesmaid, her event planner or her friends. 

Post # 12
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Other people have already said it, but I’ll go ahead and chime in – Not every single bride you deal with as an event coordinator will have a “traditional” wedding (whatever that means, these days…). Consider this a learning opportunity to work with someone who’s a little off the beaten path.

Post # 13
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Your friends words of this being a party and wanting it to be fun ring very closely to how my wedding was. I didn’t want hardly anything that was bride-y. I wanted something different, fun and relaxed.

This is her wedding, not yours. I agree with others that you should be a bridesmaid, not a coordinator for your friend’s wedding. Her taste doesn’t have to match yours. I don’t think that a difference of taste means breaking etiquette.

Post # 14
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Also, it seems you might be concerned that she will regret her decisions (because you would if you were in her situation).  I might be biased but I’ve read more accounts of brides who went traditional to appease family and regretted giving in so much but all the brides who went non traditional were really happy with their choices.  I think as long as it is true to the bride she will not regret it. 

Post # 15
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Let it go. Its her wedding and her dream, so support her in it and help her make it come true. Its hard because you are going into a career of planning, but you have your whole career to plan peoples big day. But you are going to run into this as a planner too. People have different visions and ideas and its ok. You need to support  her and hold your tongue. If she wanted your ideas and for you to plan it, she would have asked.

Post # 16
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor

I think you shoudl refer her to weddingbee gallery/bios, offbeatbride, a practical wedding, and rocknroll bride for more great ideas.  Her wedding is her expression and your wedding will be yours – why should they be the same?

 

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