Here's the backstory: friend got pregnant, kept the baby, left her job to move in with the father, he's crazy and they broke up a week later. She had nowhere to go and moved in with her grandparents. She was miserable there and crammed into one tiny room. She had to care for her grandma who has horrible dementia and pees and poops ALL over the house. Every day she was cleaning pee and poop from the floors. Then her baby was born and everything was even worse. He was two months early and has had health issue after health issue. He cries all the time. She has to hold him a lot to keep him calm. He frustrates her and she feels so stifled, and now he has taken to pinching her with his tiny fingers while she holds him. He is 7 months old and nobody has helped her with him. She is stuck with him 24/7. She has been living on friend's couches (she left her grandfather's house bc she was clearly unwelcome) and her son's crying is driving everyone nuts. The doctors just say he's a fussy baby and have no solutions to offer to stop him crying so much. She wants desperately to get a job so she can make money and get her own place but she can't get childcare. She is trying to get it through the state and it is taking so long. And she fears they'll refuse to watch him once they realize how needy he is. So, between being poor, having to live in couches and impose on people, not having childcare to get a job, sleeping for 90 mins at a time since he was born, and having no help, she is at the end of her rope. She told me today she fantasizes about dying (but said she of course wouldn't do anything to hurt herself) because her life is so miserable. What can I say to her?
@bunnyharriet: why would she quit her job right before she was having a baby? Income is crucial when you are adding to your family. Why would she move in with someone she doesn't know well (he turned out to be "crazy" after a week so clearly they weren't close). It sounds like she made very poor choices that got here where she is.
@Pinkypez: Probably so but that won't help her now. I am sure she thinks the same things.
@bunnyharriet: Has she tried to go through housing and the food stamp office? There are places that will help her find a home, esp. since she has a child. Also, is the father not paying child support? Did he sign the birth certificate?
@bunnyharriet: offer to watch the baby so she can have a few hours off, at least once a week? Or try to help set up a network of friends who can do the same thing (watch the baby for a few hours), or better yet, watch the baby while she goes to interviews.
Honestly, I'm preggo myself and hoarding my sick days and personal leave for Mat leave, but if I had a friend in a situation THIS dire, I would take a 1/2 day off if she needed child care to go to a job interview, in a heartbeat.
She could also consider adoption??
You could help her apply for food stamps, or take her to a food pantry? But it mainly just sounds like she needs to catch a break, and she's going to need help even if a good oppurtunity comes along.
Does she still want to keep her baby since you say she regrets keeping him? There are a lot of couples out there that are likely interested in taking in her baby. People take in babies with special needs and for all intents and purposes, her baby is just "fussy" for now. If she worries she'll miss him, perhaps she can consider an open adoption.
Do you and she have a bigger circle of friends she can lean on? Even if it's just giving her a day or two here and there to work, that can be a big help. I'm going to assume that since you only mentioned her grandparents that her actual parents are not in the picture.
Surely a first step would be to get the father to pay child support?
The other thing is I wonder if there are charities which help with this sort of thing, because it sounds like the state support is pretty weak.
It sounds like the pinching is a minor but "last straw" sort of thing, but that will pass.
@bunnyharriet: I am only assuming that you live in New Hampshire? It looks like the waiting list could be a long time. But it is better than doing nothing.
Here is where she can fill out a form for housing assistance:
http://www.nhhfa.org/rent_assist.cfm
Here she can apply for food stamps online:
http://www.dhhs.state.nh.us/dfa/apply.htm
Give her some adoption materials. She doesn't sound like she wants to raise that child and she is just making herself and the child miserable. Tell her to give the child to someone who can take care of him properly and then help her restart her life
Besides saying something to her, is there anything you can personally help her?
Her parents are in the picture. Her mother reassured her she would help when my friend first found out she was pregnant, but she's been useless. I wish I could help but I live 2 1/2 hrs away.Her baby is 7 months so there's no way she could put him up for adoption. She is a great mother but she's just secretly miserable and feels like she is failing him. She is on foodstamps and is trying to get housing and childcare but it takes forever. She regrets leaving her job to move away and live with the father, but it's too late to change it now. She is just so depressed and stifled. There is nobody who is willing to help watch him. I would but I can't. I feel horribly for him. She is getting all the help the state offers and she's still sleeping on a sofa waiting to get into a nearby shelter. I just don't know what to say to comfort her.
Btw, sorry for my lack of paragraphs but my phone won't let me make paragraphs.
@bunnyharriet: Even at 2 1/2 hours away, can you have her come to you for a weekend (with the baby) and watch the baby while she takes a break in another room? Or can you go to her town on the weekend and take her child out for a few hours?
Wow.how sad.hopefully she can find a job and her own place soon.If she can find another single mom in a similar situation,maybe they could babysit for eachother.Has she considered going back to school? Most community colleges have onsite daycare.It would be free for her since she is low income.
That is really sad. Taking care of a child is not easy at all and I could not imagine doing that with no assistance or form of income. I don't think it is fair on him to grow up in that enviroment.
I couldn't go to her town bc she can't have guests and I have no clue where I'd take a screaming baby who requires regular nebulizer treatments and other special care, but I could invite her to stay with us for several days. I don't know why that never occurred to me. She is so broke she may not have the gas money to drive 2 1/2 hrs to my house, but I'll offer. Thanks for the idea.
Maybe she can get a job on a college campus. The major state universities in my area have childcare (including infants) onsite and faculty and staff get first dibs and really low rates. IMO the pay is not as good as a job in the private sector, but the childcare is definitely worth it in her case. There are not as many corporations offering on-site care nowadays and those that do are highly sought after by job seekers.
If she can go back to school, she could consider getting an early childhood education degree. Many places will consider hiring you once you get the minimum number of units as long as you agree to continue taking more and the staff's children usually get free childcare or deeply discounted childcare. You can take these classes at a community college which is cheaper than a 4-year.
She is doing online classes to become a vet tech. She can't afford to go to college.
That's an idea. I wasn't aware of that. I'll have her look into it.
Right now, it's not fair to her. He is only 7 months old and blissfully unaware of his mother's plight. She is a 27 year old doing her best with no help from anyone who promised they would help, and no support from his loser father. She is working on getting back on her feet so her son can grow up in a good environment, but right now, she's the one who is suffering.
@bunnyharriet: Yes, but the child is the one who will suffer the most in the long run from a lack of preparation, resources, etc. I also am in favor of her looking into adoption. Older babies are adopted all the time. IMO no child should grow up in a home where he/she is not 100% wanted and provided for, regardless of the parents' intent.
@bunnyharriet: She needs to get child support from the father NOW. That will definitely help out a lot and even if he doesn't willingly pay, the state can garnish it from his wages. I'm assuming he works.
Is she in New Hampshire? I found this organization for legal aid for low-income individuals and they may be able to help advise her on what to do. Anyway, since she's pretty much hit rock bottom, any advice or help she can get is better than none. http://www.larcnh.org/
If she's not in NH, you can check google for family law clinic/legal aid in your state. It has to be the same state since these attorneys are not licensed to practice in other states. Some universities also offer legal aid clinics too. Since we are considering child support, she'll need to make sure they do family law cases/consultations. Some don't.
If she has no job and a dependent child, it is quite possible she certainly could afford college by applying for financial aid. She would be placed in the highest aid catagory and likely get full pell grant and other aid money. The college I worked out had residential housing for families. A lot have included child care as well. If she is at the end of her rope, I encourage this as an option to consider. Just make sure it's a not-for-profit, regionally acreddited school, as those credits are transferrable and in my opinion, have the students' best interest in mind as opposed to the bottom-line mindset of for-profit schools.
It's good of you to be concerned and try to help. Good luck!
I would suggest she put the child up for adoption. Plenty of couples wouldn't mind adopting a 7 month old baby I'm sure.
Are there any family support services in the area that she could get in touch with? It sounds like she really wants to make this work, she just doesn't have the resources she needs.
At an absolute worse case scenario, she could try talking to child protection. Before everyone gets up in arms - Child protection's job is not to take children away from parents that want them. Child protection's job is to get parents to a point where they can care for their children - it's a huge hassle for the workers to remove children, so if they do it, it's (usually) because they've got parents that they absolutely cannot work with.
Most child protective agencies (in Australia at least), have connections with family services agencies that provide support to non-crisis families (i.e. when the parents want to care for their children and are genuinely doing the best they can, but they are just struggling). They also may be able to find respite care for her and her baby - I'm sure even just a day or two a week would really help your friend!
Has she gone to some local churches and explained her situation? One of the churches in our area has an afternoon a week where grandmother's watch the children of young mothers just to give them a break. When the state is slow to help, sometimes the next step is to look for a charitable means of assistance.
Babies sense mothers who are stressed. The child is probably fussy because he/she can sense the mother is overwhelmed. I wish her well.
I would tell her to put the baby up for adoption. I'm sure there are people dying to adopt, and maybe they could work out something like she could be in his life still? Visit him once a month or something?
Maybe she should consider respite care for the baby? It's like putting your child in foster care, but only for a few days to a few weeks (very temporary). I'm not sure what the criteria is to do this, but it sounds like a good option (so she can look for a job, get some sleep, and just re-evaluate her situation) without actually giving up the baby (unless that's what she wants to do).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Respite_care
She can drop the baby at a fire station or a hospital. No questions asked. The Safe-haven Law.
It sounds like this mother loves her child a lot, and clearly wants to keep it, but is having trouble doing so. She sounds incredibly stressed, and like she has depression. Those can make anyore say things like they regret having their child.
She needs help with her child, not critisism for doing the best she can. Is the baby fed? Is he getting proper medical treatment? Do they have a place to live? Does she love the child? Does she have basic resources like an outfit, a blanket, and a crib? If so, the baby has everything it needs to survive and more. Adoption is often a difficult process, and does not always put the child in a better situation than they would have been otherwise. It is not a fix-all solution.
I second a lot of the PP's who suggest her applying to a college with a lot of family resources (which is many of them). Her income would almost definitely make college free for her. She could also seek counseling/psychiatric help while she was there as she sounds like she is having a lot of difficulty coping with her situation.
If this doesn't work out, she should try to develop some kind of support system whether it be church, a group of single moms, or a volunteer organization. Even resources like craigslist could be really useful, I am sure there are women on there who need help with childcare etc. They could "trade" their services.
ETA: I just wanted to also say that some babies just cry more than others. Not all children are the same, just as not all adults are the same. I'm sure you've heard the term "colic" used. It really is a real thing! It doesn't automatically mean she is a bad mom, or that the baby's needs aren't being met. Also, babies pinch sometimes, and bite too! It's not ideal for the mother, but it doesn't mean he is angry with her. Although, I do agree with PP's who mention that he could be feeling her stress.
She might be suffering from post-partum depression too. It's real, although I am convinced that 90% of it is sleep depriviation! Regardless of the cause, it can wreak havoc on her and her baby. Does she have any kind of insurance, even state-sponsored? She should get a mental health evaluation. There is no shame in it. Medication and coping strategies can both be very helpful.
Also, 7 months is not too old for adoption to be on the table. There are lots of people who would love to adopt a 7-month old baby. It would not be a failure. On the contrary, it would be giving both her and the baby a second chance.
@bunnyharriet: First thought is the job, i'm sure if she has no income or anything she can get state assistance for daycare. If you are grown enough to have children you better be grown enough to tend to them ! (I was 16 when i got pregnant and i had people begging me to have an abortion i am totally against this still, and i worked doub le shifts up until a month before my beautiful baby girl was born) It can be done. Secondly, she needs to get to a child support office and go after the father for some financial support. That would help her out, between that and some state assistance for daycare she should be able to get a job and work on getting her own place. When you have kids it is hassel enough for just you to stay with a friend or family member for a short time, let alone long term with a baby, not to mention if she does stay with grandparents with urine and fesces arouind that is extremely unhealthy for that child. I hope this girl gets her act together for her sanity and that poor baby's sake
really sounds like post partum depression, also depending on the health conditiion of the baby should could get social secrutiy- i know people whose children have autism and cancer and they get income from ss.
I really hope she takes you up on your offer to come stay with you for a while for a break so she can take some time to get some perspective. She's obviously made some poor choices, but hopefully she can raise her child so that he doesn't feel that he is one if them.
I strongly believe that babies act according to their environment and the mood of their parents, so the sooner she can get into stable housing and relieve some if her stress maybe her son will calm down too.
Also: http://www.ywcanh.org/
My dad works for the YWCA and their programs and resources are exactly for women like your friend. They might even be able to find her housing sooner than the state program. She can just call them or show up and they will help.
Hard for me to comment as I don't live in the states and our health and social infrastructure is much different, but is there any chance she might need to discuss these issues with someone who is certified? I would be concerned about her mental health, as it seems like she is going through a time of great stress and emotional strain. YWCA and other women's support and mother support networks are a great place to start if she doesn't want or can't visit a GP or other type of health professional.
@Stoppy321: i completely agree with you.
I think some responses here are harsh, I can only assume that theycome from people who have yet to have children. I have plenty of help from my supportive husband and our families, and my son is easy. Yet, there have been plenty of stressful moments, exhausted periods and times where I just needed to be by myself for a while.
Raising a baby that sounds very challenging all alone without a job or a home must be extremely difficult and I understand how she can feel hopeless and depressed. She needs help, not judgement.
the most important thing to do first is to get her some rest. To see straight she needs at least a full night of uninterrupted sleep. She should also consult her doctor about her depression.
She can only tackle one problem at a time and first would be to find a home so she knows where she sleeps at night and can stop feeling like a burden to everyone.
I'm not sure how the system works where you live, but I would go through charitable organizations to get help. If no one in her family and friends want to help, surely someone who's paid to do it will.
Could you or any of your friends offer to let her live with you or them? It sounds like she not only needs support with her son but also with herself, and having a group of friends around can be a huge boon in that department. Are there more jobs where you live compared to where she lives?
Here is a list of available university jobs in NH: http://www.higheredjobs.com/state/search.cfm?State=NH
Not sure if she qualifies for any.
Here are the jobs at the UNH system:
https://jobs.usnh.edu/applicants/jsp/shared/Welcome_css.jsp
@mariegerbasi: I'm not sure where bunnyharriet wrote that the woman in question was doing a poor job raising her child. She's struggling -- as anyone would in her situation -- and voiced her real feelings to her friend. That doesn't make her a bad mom...it makes her honest.
Is the baby being raised in a safe place? Does he have food and clean clothes and a safe place to sleep? The lack of stable housing is worrisome here.
@Ellegee: I too, believe that the baby reacts to his environment. Once you put him in a stable home and mom is better rested and less stressed out, he may just become quite easier to handle.
I'm sorry if this comes off harsh, there are plenty of couples who would gladly be woke up at all hours by a crying child. It would be a blessing and not a burden to a lot of people. Maybe she should consider adoption.
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