- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I just wanted to ask some advice as I’m at my wits end. The back story is a bit convoluted but I’ll try to make it as brief as possible.
I have known my Maid/Matron of Honor and her sister since I was 4 years old. My fiance is an ex of my MOHs sister – they dated at university over 15 years ago, we are now all 35. They broke up on good terms and he remained good friends with her family and friends. When he asked me out 2 years ago, we both asked my MOHs sister if she was ok with it out of courtesy and she said she was totally fine about it. Her family seemed delighted and she seemed ok. We dated for 2 years and then he asked me to marry him.
When I called her to tell her I was engaged, she cried. I had had a really difficult year, estraged from my family and being on the receiveing end of some serious emotional abuse from them. But she couldn’t be even a little but happy for me (even other people noticed and commented how dismissive she was of our news). I have been engaged for 6 months and she’s never once looked at or asked to see my ring. She didn’t ask about the proposal and when her father invited me over for lunch and asked me about the proposal, she got up from a table in the middle of a meal and opened the dishwashed midcycle, filled the whole kitchen with steam, and started banging and crashing everything around making it impossible to carry on a conversation – no one knew what to say and my godfather looked mortified). That afternoon, she went looking through old boxes and found an old love letter he wrote her when they were dating and acted as if he had been the love of her life (he absolutely wasn’t). In 6 months, she has never once asked about any wedding plans and at my birthday dinner a few months ago again started to carry on when anyone else did – talking loudly to someone else, calling the waiter over to complain, asking everyone if they wanted more wine and pouring it for them across the table. She has complained to my fiance that have not included her in the wedding, (regardless of the fact that she is his ex, I wouldn’t have asked her even if I were marrying someone else – we are simply not close enough). Then she complained to her sister (my MOH) that she hasn’t been invited to come wedding dress shopping with me (she isn’t part of the wedding party and I don’t want anyone but my bridesmaids to see my dress before the day – that’s not odd is it?)
So this I can cope with – just about. I have pretty much ignored it. If it’s awkward for her and she’s feeling weird about it, then I can understand that and I don’t want to call her on it because I dont’ wnat to make things more difficult for her. People have said that she’s always been competitive with me and she’s single at the moment (and was in a terrible relationship when I got engaged so she must be feeling sorry for herself) I am sensitive to all of this, to a poi. But it feels like I must feel guilty for being happy for myself, and about my wedding and my marriage. But I still let it go.And then she upped the ante:
The other day my Maid/Matron of Honor phoned and said that their parents (my godparents) had decided they were not coming to the wedding, because her sister had told them that I had said that I didn’t want them there. She told them I had said I thought they would judge my family and were highly opinionated and that I would feel awkward that they were there and didn’t want them there. I had to call my godmother and pretty much beg her to come. I was in such a difficult position – I had to basically tell her that her daughter was lying to her and that I had never said anything of the sort. I was in a lose lose situation and although she eventually said they would come, it’s clear that she still thinks I said it and has no idea why her daughter would lie about it. And to be fair, neither do I.
I have no doubt it started off as envy and feeling sorry for herself, but now it’s become mean and hurtful.
the natural reaction to this story when I tell it if for people to say ‘tell her to eff-off’. but the way our lives are involved, it’s way more complicated than that. If I don’t invite her to the wedding, her parents will most likely not come either out of principle, because they can not understand why she would lie. I desperately want them there. But even if I were to decide that I can live with them not being there, that puts my Maid/Matron of Honor in a terribly hard position. If her sister is not invited and her parents refuse to come because their daughter has been snubbed, there will be a lot of pressure on my Maid/Matron of Honor to support her family. I dont’ want my Maid/Matron of Honor to feel like she has to take sides against her family….. and yet I want her as my Maid/Matron of Honor, obviously. We are having 100 people at the wedding, so to be fiar, I may not actually see her sister if I let it go and let her come. But I also really REALLY don’t want her at my hen do, which by all accounts she assumes she is invited to as well. I only want my best girlfriends with me that night. If I don’t invite her, I face the same problems again – her parents feel I’ve snubbed her and her own sister has to tell her she’s not invited – which again isn’t fair on my Maid/Matron of Honor. That said, I actually am scared that if I see her at either my hen or my wedding I may cause a scene because I hate her so much right now.
My fiance is furious this has happened but I haven’t let him get involved as yet.
HELP!!!! Any advice or thoughts from anyone would be most grateful!