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(Posting undercover so this doesn't get found.)
So I'm getting married in a few months and finally confirmed a date this week! I sent my invites but have received a bit of a strange response from one of my best friends (and a mutual friend of both mine and my FI's) and I don't understand it.
The wedding itself is not in my town, it's coincidently in this friends town (like literally walking distance from his house). This is due to it being held near my FI's family. We are holding an additional reception in my town later in the year as my family will be unable to attend this one due to the distance and various health issues.
The reply I got from my friend (in a text) was that he might not be able to come due to money issues as he might be moving in with his FI the month before my wedding. Now I would totally understand if say, he had to travel a long way or stay overnight or something. But the fact is he wouldn't have to pay ANYTHING because he lives right on the doorstep of the venue!
I text him back to reiterate how close it was, that he didn't have to pay to get in or anything and we were not asking for donations or gifts as we already live together and he told me the issue was clothes, apparently him and his FI have nothing suitable to wear and can't afford to buy anything new. This feels like bs for the following reasons
1.) He wears a shirt, tie and smart pants to work every day. Why does he need to buy something new
2.) Him and his FI went to a black tie event not that long ago. What's wrong with wearing what they wore for that?
3.) If he is so adament he has to have something new, why does it have to cost a bomb?
4.) He goes to football games/restaraunts/movies/concerts all the time. He is not broke.
He does often tell the world that he has money issues, but most people have gotten tired of it when they lend him money that he never pays back and they then learn he's gone off to various things like football games etc so I can't say I'm TOO surprised by this. But it sort of feels more than that this time and I can't put my finger on what it's about. Is he hoping someone will buy him a new outfit? Lend him money for one? It doesn't make sense.
He also asked what time it would start as he was seemingly hoping his FI would still be able to work that day before the ceremony began and hinted that she might not be able to get the time off so I don't know if that's setting the scene for an additional excuse. However, he never brings her to anything even when she is invited along with him so again I'm not too surprised.
After talking to a couple of friends (who are equally as baffled) they came up with a couple of other possible "reasons":
1.) There are too football games played by the two teams he supports on the same day and he was probably planning to go to at least one of them. He has in the past cancelled various things at the last minute siting money issues and then gone to football games instead.
2.) He is upset with me and FI for getting married first as him and his FI have been together/engaged a lot longer than us.
My head is absolutely swimming and I don't know what to do now. Here's the thing - I now don't know whether I should even bother to invite him and his FI to the additional reception later in the year for fear of this kind of thing happening again. Also, I'm pretty upset as I don't think his excuses are very good ones at all so I sort of don't even know right now if I even want to invite him.
So bees, should I confront the issue any further? Say anything else? Any suggestions? Should I even try to invite him to the additonal reception if he 100 percent doesn't show up to this one (especially if I then find out he's gone to the football or soemthing). Help!
Edited for additional details - I have actually been asked to be in this guys wedding, so it makes this whole thing even more strange as I am obviously expected to attend/help with his.
Honestly, I'd just let it go. Tell him you're sorry he can't make it, and drop it. But I would remember this, when he inevitably invites you to his own wedding. If he doesn't want to come for whatever reason, I don't think it's worth trying to figure out his reasoning or making him come; you don't want the negativity around you on your wedding. Be thankful for the friends who do come and celebrate your special day with you!
Just write back "Well we would love to have you there with us and the rest of our friends, we sincerely hope you find it possible to come but do let us know by XXX if you can't make it"
and leave it at that. People will know he's a heel, and don't bother inviting him to the other event. If he geniunely is that broke he probably can't make it to the other event and he might be embarrased having to decline twice. Of course that's probably BS but it makes you sound very considerate if anyone asks about it ;-)
Then move on with planning, and enjoy your day! (and hope both his teams lose that day lol)
Let it go. You can't exactly badger someone into showing up for your wedding. He sounds like kind of a leech anyway if I'm being honest.
Sounds like this is bothering you a lot. If you think it'd make you feel better on your end, then extend one more "invitation" out to him. Tell him you'd really love to see him and his FI there but if they can't make it then you understand. Leave the ball in his court, that way you won't regret it later if you feel like you should have tried one more time.
@abbie017: I know it probably isn't worth it. Guess it was just a shock and reeks of bs. I have been asked to be in his wedding as well which makes the whole thing even more strange. You're right though, I guess I should be thankful for the ones that do want to come and celebrate with us.
@Snow00774: Yeah that's the thing, I more or less expected him to say he couldn't afford to come to the other event but this one? Weird. Lol true, would make me look considerate. And LOL @ hoping his teams lose, me too :D
I agree, let it go. Why do you want someone at your wedding who isn't overjoyed to be there?
@KatyElle: Yeah I know, I don't intend to force him to come. Just don't like being given such bs excuses, especially as I will be expected to turn up to his (as I've been asked to be in it)
@BayStateBride: You're right it is bothering me a lot. I'm really upset and hurt by it. I don't want to wear him down into coming if he really doesn't want to but I'm just hurt that he doesn't want to and wish I understood what the real issue is :(
Now that you throw in the fact that you're in his wedding, I think that changes a lot of things. You're supposed to stand up for him plan B=parties and showers and he can't be bothered to show up. I'm sorry but you demand an explanation or rid your life off this toxic leech.
@bookworm88: Yes this is a fair point but like I said, it's more that I'm upset and hurt and just want to understand what the real problem is.
If someone makes an excuse not to come just let it go. If they dont want to be there why do you want them there?
@Atalanta: Thanks, I edited that in as I realize it's a fairly important detail. That's kind of what I feel I should do. Just not sure how to word it or if it's the right thing to do. Ah so confusing :(
@bells: I think it's just a case of not understanding what it's all about. As I have been asked to be in his wedding it seems so strange that he doesn't seem keen to come to mine. It's more that I'm hurt than anything else and confused.
Can you get your FI to go for a beer with him and feel out the real reason? Or some other mutual friend?
@Tappity1: As much as it sucks, and I've been there, sometimes you have to accept that some people are selfish or bad friends. I know a couple people like this and I just keep my distance.
@Snow00774: Thanks for that suggestion, that's a good idea. I also think FI would be the best person to talk to him about it. Tbh if I did it I may end up getting upset or something which I don't really want to do. Thanks.
I thinkyou need to decide if you want to loose him as a friend or if you want to continue being friends.
If you want to loose him: Ignore it, forget about him and like bells said why would you want someone there that dosn't want to be there? If he comes around and asks you to buy a BM dress or whatever just tell them you can't afford it in a text and sionara.
If you want to try to keep the relationship, you need to be honest and tell him how hurt you are becasue of all the reasons you have posted above and see how that goes.
@Atalanta: The angry side of me wants to do your first suggestion and the sad/emotional side of me wants to do your second suggestion. Guess I need to give it some thought and let my anger/sadness fade before I decide what to do. I also have to bear in mind we have several mutual friends and if I upset him it might make things awkward, particularly as a few people view him as the "sensitive guy" in our friendship circle who needs a lot of coddling.
@Tappity1: Maybe he's afraid to run into people he owes money to that might be at your wedding. He could be embarrassed.
@Atalanta: Agreed. Tell him its really important that he be there for you. Tell him someone will lend him a suit or a jacket (call him on his "not having anything") and if he doesn't find your wedding important enough an event to attend, that you will no longer stand up for him at his.
He doesn't want to come to your wedding and he doesn't want to tell you why. Drop it.
@bek7bek: I don't think so as when he wants to go to things he will turn up, regardless of who is there and who he owes money to and further sits back and allows some of them to pay for his food and drinks whilst there.
@Roe: Thanks, good suggestion. He's a similar size to FI and FI has a spare suit he could lend him. I will ask him to suggest this when he talks to him. If he still backs out at least it 100 percent rules it out that this was ever even an issue (which I am certain it isn't but you know what I mean). You think if he still backs out I should definitely back out of his?
I don't think you should make a decision based on revenge. Not that you would, but I couldn't come up with a better word. If you can get past the hurt and not be resentful then be a part of his. If this is a deal breaker for you, then so be it.
@bookworm88: Mine is in May. His is in a couple of years.
@Sunflower--girl: I understand. I am not sure right now.
If his is in a few years, you don't need to make a decision now. Things may change, you may move away, you may reconnect. I'm surprised they've even made decisions about who will be in their wedding this early.
@bookworm88: That's true. Well they got engaged a long time ago so I guess maybe they weren't initially banking on it being such a long engagement, but I don't know for sure.
This guy sounds like an ass. I'd say let it go, and when the time comes around for his wedding, see how you feel. If you don't feel very close to him, then you are perfectly within your rights if you back out of being in the wedding (just do this far enough in advance so that they can find someone to take your place - you don't want to be a jerk just because he was). If at that time you *do* still want to be in/attend his wedding, then you can decide how you want to proceed as far as how much money you shell out to be a part of it. Remember: no one can make you do anything. And likewise, you can't make him make your wedding a priority over whatever else he wanted to do that day. You can, however, let that factor into your decision of whether or not to make his wedding a priority.
I bet you anything it has something to do with his FI. I can tell you that I was in a bad relationship in which I had to make excuses for what my bf did and did not want to do all the time. He never wanted to hang out with my friends. In fact, when my best friend got married, he made me lie to get so he didn't have to come. This reminds me of the same situation I was in.
I would let it go... If he "can't make it" to the wedding close to his house he isn't going to go out of his way to go to the other one... Besides, if he really doesn't want to be there then do you want to pressure him into going? I feel like that would be a huge killjoy on your wedding day.
@Bubu82: Very good and fair advice, thank you. I will wait and see how I feel. I don't think I'd want to actually be a part of his wedding if he couldn't be bothered to make it to mine, right on his doortep but maybe things will have healed enough that I'll be able to attend but again I don't know for sure right now. Thank you again for putting things into perspective.
@AirForceWife78: Hmm I'm not sure. You could be right I guess. I was told by a third party that his FI had "worries" about me and her FI being friends but neither her nor this guy ever told me this themselves so I don't know how true this is. The guy told me she has jealousy issues but I became friends with her as well which seemed to make her feel more secure. However since then this guy has never brought her along to anything when our friendship circle meets up. He says she has jealousy issues because he has a lot of female friends but I think this may be because he never brings her along to anything/stays overnight with some of them. He has insisted she seek counselling for her 'issues' whereas I think perhaps he could be a little more understanding. I kind of of half expected him to make an excuse for her not to come as he never brings her. I guess it's possible that SHE is upset that we're getting married 'first' because they have been engaged a lot longer. I don't know Hmm, I'm not sure I could be thinking too hard on this now.
@o0olibelulao0o: Yeah you're right. Had it been the other way around (the one not in his town had been first and he hadn't attended that one) I might have thought differently, but as he's being like this over something that is right on his doorstep I doubt he will come to the other one. I am undecided whether I'll just invite him anyway with the view that he simply won't come (like another PP suggested). I don't want to pressure him into going if he really doesn't want to I just really want to know why as I feel hurt and confused so far. But guess it's probably for the best he doesn't come.
Male female friendships can sometimes be complicated. Question: were there ever an unrequited romantic feelings? That was the first thing that popped into my head when I read this. Hope that isn't an offensive question...
Honestly, I would just let it go and ignore the rest of the excuses. You have a lot more that you need to be doing than listening to this friend tell you about his money woes and why he can't come. Just remember how he treated you when he invites you to his own wedding. If he doesn't want to come, save him the energy of making up excuses. I went to college with a bunch of people like this and when I finally let them go and stopped listening to their excuses, it removed a lot of stress/wasted thinking from my life!
I would let it go. Sometimes I just really don't want to do something and I make up an excuse not to do it. Once I do that, I really get pushed further away from a person if they badger me about it. If he just sincerely doesn't want to attend, let that be that.
But... I'm, too, thinking that this has something to do with his FI. She is most likely jealous of you, have you ever thought about that? Perhaps she has forbidden your friend from attending the wedding? I have witnessed abusive/controlling relationships (where the female is the abuser/controller) where the woman will threaten her bf/FI and act psychotic if he even attempts to defy her. My mom has broken every dish in her house before when her ex went somewhere she didn't want him to go. So, maybe it's your friend's FI keeping him away.
Honestly, when I got those same responses from invited guests I just checked them as a 'no' and moved on. It's not worth the stress of having a back and forth to try and get to the 'bottom' of it, the real reason is: They don't think your wedding is important enough to attend instead of whatever else they have going on that day (which includes sitting on the couch and doing nothing). You're right, the clothes thing is a totally lame excuse. Because even if you're dirt poor, you can borrow something or just wear your 'finest' which in his case would clearly be appropriate.
It's actually better if people don't give you a reason why they can't attend. Because almost anything sounds kinda lame. And if you do find out the real reason, like let's say he's going to go to the football game instead, it won't make you feel any better to know, it might actually make you feel worse. It's best to just accept the fact that he's not coming and move on.
@soyjoy222: Glad to hear someone could relate. Yeah I guess I should try to move on. Bit of a mixture of hurt and anger and guess pretty p*ssed that he expects me to be in his wedding when he can't make the effort to even attend mine. Feels like he views his own as more important or mine is inferior in some way to his which hurts.
@Pinksapphire: I understand about not badgering but it is hurtful that he cannot even be the littlest bit bothered to attend my wedding yet will expect me to fulfill my duties at his. But then again it's a long while off so who knows. I guess it's a possibility about his FI. But his FI was invited too so I simply don't understand the problem unless it's one of these upset that my wedding is happening whilst hers is still far away and she's been engaged longer type dramas but I can't go around throwing accusations as I don't know this.
@moderndaisy: I think this is part of the issue. The fact it was such an obviously bs excuse.
First, I doubt it's jealousy. Men don't behave like that for the most part. Just to give an alternative perspective, i have a friend who was asked to be the best man at his best friend since elementary school's wedding. He even introduced the couple. He declined because he couldn't afford it. His best friend's now wife basically tried to destroy his reputation with all their mutual friends and used a lot of the same reasons you did -he wore nice clothes, had dress clothes for work, didn't have many bills, had just gone to Vegas for another wedding so why couldn't he be in theirs, and he was always out clubbing with his friends. Like this guy, he was also always complaining about how he had money issues and is seen as 'the sensitive guy.' His best friend offered to pay for everything just so he could come and he still wouldn't. He was totally villianized for it and lost a lot of friends.
At first I thought he was being a selfish prick, but it turned out the reason he couldn't go was that his mother was sick and had no health insurance at the time and his sister was forging checks in their mom's name and they were bouncing, so he was giving part of his salary to his family and didn't want anyone to know so he kept up appearances. He told the groom this, asked him not to tell anyone, and he understood, but the bride thought it was more important that he go to her wedding and decided to trash him. He didn't want to accept money from his friend because he didn't want to feel like a charity case or feel indebted to him, and didn't feel that, given his situation, he could properly support his friend during that time. His case probably isn't as extreme as this, but sometimes there is a very good reason why people act the way they do and he may not feel comfortable talking about it. It really upset him that so many people pried into his personal life and he basically started disassociating himself with the people that did.
Or he could be like me and really hate going to weddings period and is only having his for his FI's sake so they aren't important events to him. In either case, I wouldn't take it personally. Could also be the FI, but if you're in her wedding (a BM I assume?), I can't see why she'd have a problem.
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