Weddingbee boards

first, its awesome that your there for you friend :) trust me she will really, really apperciate it.  Speaking from going through one myself recently,  def ancknowledge the loss as you would anyone else who lost a loved one. acknowledge it as her baby. when people acknoldged my baby or even called him by his name, you have no idea how mmuch that meant to me.  even though the baby isnt "known" by others, it is surely known by the mother who lost it.  also let her talk (or not talk about it, if she doesnt want to) one of my good friends came over and she let me vent for hours (and he brought wine and cake, that always helps!). i think a heartfelt card would be really nice, just letting her know you are there would def. help. also dont be afraid to ask her how shes doing down hte road. dont let her think you forgot about her or that she should get over it fast. anyyways, i think its awesome your reaching out to her.

also a good meal, would be nice. i know when we went through ours, my mom fed us for a week straight.

I actually just had this happen to my best friend last month and came here to get advice from the bees as well. The advice I got was great.

I took an afternoon and just went over and laid on the couch and hung out. I made a lasagna that she could reheat for her, hubby and little one and also a bread for them to have the next morning. I really think she appreciated it. We just spent some time hanging out, and we talked about it a little more when she brought it up, which made us both cry. Another girlfriend sent flowers, which she had nicely displayed on the kicthen table so I think she appreciated them as well.

I like the hot meal idea, it was really appreciated and helpful. But I think just the quality time is the best. The only thing I have to say is I would stay clear of "it all happens for a reason" sayings. I know those always just irritate me no matter what the sitaution. I would just stay positive but at the same time don't belittle her situation. I considered it like the mourning of nay othe person. Hope that helps!

Oh and to answer your other question, yes refer to as their baby. She stillmourns the lost for the life that could have been. Another thing I'll point out is that my BF had a friend at work she told about the miscarriage. That friend discreetly emailed some of the people she was close to at work so when she showed up the  next week, people wouldn't be asking questions about her pregnancy and such, my friend really appreciated this, but its soemthing I would run by the person first of course. Another thing BF has told me is that she's saddened by seeing her pregnant friends. She's still happy for them but its just a constant reminder of her loss. So maybe avoid any baby/pregnancy news for a little bit.

I definitely agree with what everyone has written above. A few more thoughts... if you are going to get her a gift or something and give it to her at work, I would try to do it privately or at the very end of the day. For me, I would go through periods where I would be fine, but then when I thought about my miscarriage, I would start crying. So she might try to put a strong face on at work. If you give her a gift (with great intentions), she might break down and cry. This isn't a bad thing, but you don't want this to happen in the middle of the day at her desk. Maybe catch her outside of work or at the end of the day.

Also, DEFINITELY acknowledge it as a baby. She started bonding with that baby the day she found out she was pregnant.

If you are very close with her, you may want to try to remember the baby's due date. If she is not pregnant again by this due date, that day will be very hard. So it might be nice to acknowledge that.

Also, I have NO IDEA if this is the case, but there is a chance that although her baby was 6 weeks in size, and she miscarried at 10 weeks, it doesn't mean the baby was dead inside her for 4 weeks. My baby was small in size at my first appointment at 7 weeks- the baby measured about 5 weeks. And it was small at the following ultrasounds. When i went back in at 10 weeks, it had only passed away about 2 days prior (because I had been in for on-going ultrasounds) but it measured about 7 weeks. So even thought it measured 7 weeks, it didn't DIE at 7 weeks. I only tell this to you because another friend of mine had a situation where she thought everything was going well but went in at 10 weeks and the baby measured 6 and was dead. She was apalled at the thought of it being dead inside her for 4 weeks. WHen I told her my situation, she felt so much better. So I wanted to share it in case your friend mentions that she feels that her body let her down or something similar.

Definitely let your friend know that you are available to talk to her. I only had my husband to talk to, and sometimes I wanted to say the same thing over and over, because I was working through it. I think he got a little tired of hearing the same thing again and again. But that might be what your friend needs.

And last, one of the hardest things for me was being around other pregnant friends or hearing about pregnancies. I was happy for those other people, but devastated for myself. It would send me into a sad downward spiral every time. So make sure to be there for her if those situations arise. If she has to go somewhere with a pregnant friend, offer to go along for support. Or if another co-worker announces her pregnancy, know that your friend will be sad.

GOOD LUCK. I'm so sorry that your friend has to go through this, but it is so kind of you to try to help her.

I agree with all of the great advice you got in this thread...Definitely acknowledge it as her baby, let her talk or not talk about it as she needs to, let her feel free to cry, but also take her mind off of it with mindless stuff if that's what she wants...It's all about being there for her, not judging her and however she needs to cope with her emotions right now.  I said some pretty shocking things in very dark humor to my friend who I spent the days after my m/c with, I also just wanted to drink lots of wine...