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Just be a good friend and be there for her when she asks. Also not to forget about this baby, and not ignore the fact that she did miscarry.
Sorry for her loss.
I had a friend who has had several miscarriages, and I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything. Months later, she casually mentioned how she would have appreciated it if people had sent her "in sympathy" or "praying for you" cards. oops.
When I miscarried I didn't like talking about it at all. I think if she does want to, she'll bring it up. I do agree that it's nice to get a card or something though, showing that you're thinking about her.
This just happened to me as well... a friend at work was doing IVF, she got pregnant right away but lost the baby. We were pregnant at the same time, due two weeks apart. It took a couple weeks for her to want to talk... and it was really hard. I knew nothing I could say could fix it or make her feel better. I just tried to be a good friend. We kept our routine of going out for lunch. I tried to keep conversations to different things until she was ready to talk. After a few weeks she's looking forward to her next round of IVF with a positive attitude. :)
The worst two things people said to me were:
1. "There must have been something wrong with the baby because everything happens for a reason." This comment is just empty and meaningless to someone going through something that is so awful that there just isn't an explanation.
2. If it was an early miscarriage, "It wasn't a baby yet, it was just a bunch of cells." Well, it was still something that my husband and I created together that would have been a human life. I don't have a blood clot, I had a miracle that died.
I would just tell her you are sorry, take her out for a pedicure, or dinner. Just be there.
My FI's cousin miscarried a couple years ago and as soon as we found out we sent her a really bright and colorful flower arrangement that simply said, "Thinking of you. Love Always, Lee & Lindsay" on the card.
Something small that lets her know you're keeping her in your thoughts is appropriate and will help her feel better. Even if just a little bit.
@heathaah:that is awful. I am sorry people were so insensitive to you
thanks everyone for your suggestions. It happened at 11.5 weeks so very few people even knew she was pregnant yet, she even got quietly married a week ago (actual wedding is in a few months) because of this pregnancy. ugh.
I would just let her know that you're there if she wants to talk. Try to avoid saying things like heathaah mentioned above along with, "at least you know now you can get pregnant!" Ignoring it would be the worst possible thing to do as well. Even taking her out for coffee or go shopping to get her mind off of things would help.
Don't be afraid to say out loud"I'm sorry for your loss". Many women who have miscarried have told me that the most helpful thing was to have that loss acknowledged.
The least helpful were comments like those previously mentioned. Treat this just like the death of any other family member.
@julies1949:thanks, I am pretty aware of what not to say - and having been pregnant myself, I know how devastated I would have been at losing a baby so its easy to not say the wrong thing. I am just not sure what the right thing is.
I really appreciated flowers and cards that I got. I didn't want to talk about it, since it was a personal thing for me to deal with, but it was good to know that people were there for me if I did want to talk.
One very particular question - if I send flowers it should be to both the mother and father right? It is not worth going into the details of why I am asking, but our work worlds collide in a very strange way....
@Janna19: I think either way is fine. You can't go wrong by putting both their names on it. But if you want to write a special card or note to your friend (the woman) I don't think you need to address it to the husband as well. But you should definitely reference him somehow in the note.
it sounds like it would be nice to include them both, since they are both suffering the loss.
i think the best thing you can do is do SOMETHING and not try to ignore it. i have never had a miscarriage, but i have lost more than one loved one in tragic situations. it felt horrible and awkward around people when i could feel that they didn't know what to say, so just didn't say anything. i can definitely understand how that feels - i have been that person on multiple occasions where i tip-toed around someones loss because i didn't want to upset them or make it worse. but for me, it made me feel like everyone was just secretely waiting to see how i would act and like my pain was making them uncomfortable. of course everyone is different, and no one wants to talk about painful things all the time, but it can feel so alone when you're going through a painful loss and everyone around you avoids it. so anyway...i think flowers are super sweet, and just being there to talk, not changing the subject if she brings it up, and when the time is right just asking her how's she's feeling and letting her know you're there for her will go a long way.
As others have said, I think with any loss you just don't make assumptions, but acknowledge it in some way and let the person know you're there for them, whatever they need. Just a card that says you're thinking of them, you'd love to talk on the phone or make them a meal or take them for coffee or do their laundry or whatever. If you're not sure what to say, you don't need to say much. Just "I love you and I'm thinking of you" is the important thing.
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what do i say? how can I help her? She is 37, was told it was hard to get pregnant in the first place so is not only dealing with the horrible loss of her baby, but possibly a hard road getting pregnant again. I am at a loss.