Friend not speaking to me after finding out she's not a BM

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@misss0901:  You’ve already said you are no longer close. I wouldn’t waste any energy worrying about her or her reaction.

Post # 4
Member
2578 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I went through this with a friend from high school (I made a post about it, here). Ultimately she didn’t even come to the wedding, let alone send back her RSVP, and we rarely speak, these days. She has become too self-centred and wants to hold a grudge… oh well.

Post # 5
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

 @misss0901:  You did the right thing. She was out of line at your MOH’s wedding. It’s sad she had to sacrifice you to avoid dealing with her.

Imagine the pain you saved yourself from having her as a BM. This board is filled with horror stories of BM’s who can not behave.

Just leave her alone and let her be for now. Maybe she won’t ask for an invite to your wedding. You don’t need her in your wedding photos talking on her phone.

Post # 7
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery

I am in the opposite situation.

One of my best friends from high school and I went to college together and pretty much lived together too. I started down a bad path in an abusive relationship that lasted a couple years and wound up getting pregnant and having my daughter. She couldn’t handle the intensity of the situation, backed off, and didn’t stay in touch. After I got myself out and healthy again, we reconnected. She hurt me very badly during that time and I know I hurt her too, but we both apologized and got close again. I asked her to be my maid of honor for my September wedding.

She let me know at my bachelorette party that I will not be in her wedding in May 2014. It stung like a killer bee. I cried and cried and tried to understand. My maid of honor and best friend not even wanting me as a bridesmaid in her wedding?

HOWEVER, I will still respect her and join in the festivities and be mature about it. She is an amazing person and I’m happy for her. It will still hurt, but it’s all in how you handle it.

I hope your friend will grow up from the situation instead of feeling betrayed! You don’t need negativity on one of the best days of your life. The whole point of the wedding is to celebrate YOU and YOUR husband not her. So if that’s how you want your wedding, she should be glad to be invited! 🙂

I know people will tell you you shouldn’t care or worry about her and her feelings, but it does hurt in both parties’ shoes. But, focus on what you want and get the wedding you dreamed of with the closest people surrounding you!

Hope that helps *hugs*

 

Post # 9
Member
1864 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Hey, at least she’s hurt because she’s not in the bridal party. One of my BEST friends who I have been there for for EVERYTHING in her life, both good and bad, tells me in a text message a month after she agreed and was happy about being a bridesmaid, that she “can’t be a bridesmaid because things are a lot more hectic than I thought they would be. I’m sorry”. 

It’s been two weeks and we haven’t talked/texted since. And as a side note, things aren’t “hectic”. She moved to a neighboring state after she got married this past fall to a guy she’s only known for 6 months. Claims her job there sucks, she hates it, and the other employees are not treating her nicely. Also, when we were texting about it, she had only been working there for TWO days. And keep in mind, it’s the EXACT same job she had here, same company, title, responsibilities, just different location. I’m over the BS excuses. Never would I have thought that she of all people would leave me hanging. We’ve been friends for 7 years. It’s really disappointing. Not to mention I was there for her for anything she needed when she was planning her wedding. Thinking about it gets me mad all over again. 

Sorry, didn’t mean to thread jack. 

Honestly, nothing you can do about this chick. You went out of your way to explain why the selected members were selected. Send her a heartfelt text about how you love and care about her and that you know that she is upset and that you are sorry for it, but your fiancé and you agreed on a set number of people to ask and that it wasn’t an easy decision to not include her. It’s unfortunate but hopefully she gets over it. 

Post # 11
Member
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

All I had to read was the the title of your post to think “Well, she’s not very much of a friend then, is she?” (meaning the girl isn’t a good friend, not you)

Are you two even still friends? It sounds like you’ve completely drifted apart- “had a very close friend,” “relationship continued to diminish,” “she didn’t put in an effort to be a friend over these years.”

People and friendships change over the years, as bittersweet as it can be. I think you just have to move on.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1864 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@misss0901:  Thanks for your reply. I even told her in a text message back that I wasn’t asking ANYTHING of her or any of my bridesmaids for help with anything. All i’m asking them is to buy the dress and be there with me the day of the wedding, that’s it. She never once has to come back home for a special trip to help me with anything wedding related. She literally responded back “I’m sorry babe” and went on complaining about her job again as if I was supposed just act like it was okay and console her about work. I never responded back to her complaining and we haven’t texed or talked since, and it will soon be two weeks. Honestly, I always knew she was selfish and a bit self centered, but I never thought to this extreme. She clearly doesn’t give a crap. Oh and right before she told me that she can’t be a bridesmaid, she told me that she was working the weekend of my shower. Showed no remorse whatsoever and said she was “trying to find someone to switch with”. And money is 100% not the issue, she makes over 6 figures. 

Post # 14
Member
1864 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@misss0901:  Thank you! Sometimes I think that maybe I am taking it too seriously and am getting upset when I shouldn’t be, but I’m glad to see your reaction is that of mine! Her behavior is messed up. 

I’ve been thinking lately that I should put her in the friend/aquantience zone rather than a BEST friend. A mutual friend of both her and I is shocked and disgusted that she hasn’t even texted me since then explaining herself, nor do I think she is going to because she’s not one to admit fault and will most likely think that I am overreacting. My fiance is at the point where he called her selfish, a liar, not a good friend, and prefers that I don’t even talk to her anymore. I dunno, we’ll see what happens. Thanks for listening! 

Post # 15
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Diamond84:  WTF? Sorry, but i really don’t get her. Like if all she needs to do is to buy a dress and show up on the day and she can’t manage to do that? Well what’s different to being a regular guest, which I assume she still intends to do? She isn’t gonna show up naked, so that leaves only the being there for you on your day as hurdle. If she cannot cope with that, I tend to agree with your FI about her not being a friend really. 🙁

Post # 16
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@misss0901:  Sounds reallymessed up, but do not feel bad. I totally see where your coming from, but don’t be too hard on yourself. You shouldn’t make people your BM because they’d be unhappy otherwise. I mean you’re not marrying someone that you don’t love just because he’d be really hurt otherwise right?! 

Is she being treated for her psychological problems? I would think this must have something do with that. Either she handles it badly being turned down due to her issues or she has a totally different view in the closeness that you still share (or lack thereof). 

You’re doing the right thing and it’s nice of you to stay so patient with her. 

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