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Now before anyone out there gets the wrong idea please read the entire post, unless its too long for you then just don't comment =). This was a one time accidental incident that only occured after too much alcohol was consumed. That being said this was the situation (which happened about 2 years ago). FH and I went to a party, he drank too much so I decided to drive him home. He got very angry in the car and started shouting "mean" things. I hadn't had anything to drink so at first I thought it was kind of funny. He was yelling at me for never letting him do what he wants, he doesn't smoke but wanted me to stop the car so he could get a cigarette, then he insisted I stop to get more alcohol. Once we arrived at his house he was livid that I hadn't stopped for anything he'd asked for and by this time I was just annoyed with his ranting. I had to help him out of the car and up the stairs to his house. Well he again got angry and tried to push me off of him claiming, "he didn't need my help" He was pretty drunk so when he "shoved" me off of him he lost his balance and then tried to grab me for support, He is over 6 ft and a pretty heavy guy, I am barely 5'1 and was about 100 pounds at the time, so him applying his weight made me completely lose my balance and fall down the brick stairs. Long story short I broke my arm during the fall :( FH's roomate who I didn't know was home at the time apparently heard the ruckus and came out and at that point got FH to bed and then took me to the hospital. I knew FH didn't intentionally hurl me down the stairs, he didn't shove me with the intention of making me fall either, he was just being a stupid college boy that had way too much to drink. He barely if ever drinks now and to this day still feels horrible about the entire thing. The reason I am bringing this up now is that for whatever reason the other night when a group of friends were sitting around chatting, FH's old roomate and still friend made a joke about how my FH had "broken my arm". One of my BM's immediately got up and left. I called her later that night and she informed me that she no longer wanted to be a BM and that she didn't think I should marry FH b/c obviously he is abusive. This was a pretty huge shock for me. FH is the most caring, gentle person I know and with the exception of my fall has never once done anything close to hurting me. Am I missing something here? Any advice is very much appreciated. I'm still in a little world of shock.
Give her a week, then give her a call. If this is the ONLY thing that has ever happened, and it's out of character for your FI, then I think that if you can forgive and forget, so should she. I'm sure we have all done and said things that we regret while intoxicated.. it's not an excuse, but you just hope that if you can live and learn from things that others would respect that. She is only upset b/c she loves you so much, which isn't a bad thing. She just was shocked at the comment.
my advice is to either call her and explain what really happened as you explained above (because sorry that doesnt sound like abuse that you described - it sounds like a drunk person - i have had similar things happen with my GIRLfriends)
from what you said it sounds liek your other friend said "oh remember when he broke your arm" but the BM that stormed out didnt hear what the story was about. i am guessing either she was in or used to be in or knew someone who was badly hurt in a domestic situation (or by an alcoholic) and feels strongly about it.
seriously tell her the WHOLE story and let her know that she jumped to the wrong conclusion - she might be a bit embarrased, but then again, shes probably trying to be a good friend by storming out because she thinks you are getting with a wife beater.
just my two cents from what was said above. :) she might still refuse, because she might think you are making "excuses" but thats the most you can do. cant force her to do something, but you can try to get her to see the whole story and its not as big of a deal as she thinks it might be.
I agree with melissabegins. Also, make sure that SHE understands that whole story. I mean... your FI was a jackass but it doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt you, and it was a one time thing years ago. If he did similar things every time he drank I'd be worried, but if it was really ONE time and you are 100% sure there was no malice on his part... I can see how you could forgive and forget. I bet if you give her a little time and tell her the whole story she can too.
I can really see both of your POVs, honestly. You were actually there, you have one understanding of the situation. She wasn't, but knows that FI got drunk and beligerent, and pysically caused you to fall down a flight of stairs and break your arm.
I can see why you have forgiven him, and personally, if he hasn't repeated in any way, I think I would give your judgment the benefit of the doubt.
For a lot of women, though, a single act of violence like this would be the end, or would be all the evidence needed that a man can not be trusted. Almost every woman on this board knows another woman who has been abused, or has been abused herself. For some, that leads to an absolute zero tolerance policy. She is probably one of them, and in my own relationships, I am one too.
I can really see why this would hurt your feelings, but I can't honestly say that I think your friend is bad for her reaction. It may seem really unfair to your FI, but with the life experience that so many women have with abusive men, I think her POV is understandable.
My suggestion would be to calm down and say to her, "I disagree with your assessment of what happened when I broke my arm. However, I can respect how you feel about it. You are probably not going to be comfortable with my marriage, but I hope we can work through this and still be friends. If you don't want to be a BM, I'll understand. It does honestly hurt my feelings, but with time things will work out."
I think you ought to sit down with your BM and explain that night to her like you did for us here. My guess is that she misunderstood the comment / situation and is truely just worried for you as a friend. If you can clarify for her what actually happened, I'm sure she'll understand and have no reservations with standing up in support of you.
I'm with spaganya in that that doesn't sound at all like abuse as you've described it - just sounds like the actions of someone who had too much to drink (I've also seen similar things with GIRLfriends). It appears to have been a complete accident and out of character for your FI if nothing else that could be at all concerning has happened in the 2 years since.
Is it just the one incident that she is concerned about? Is he rude or sarcastic around her in a way that would make her suspect abuse is an ongoing issue? You said in a previous thread that you were discussing being a stay at home wife, does she think he is trying to control you? If she knows one thing happened, she may be on the lookout for other behaviors that may indicate abuse. Talk with her about what she thinks of him as a person.
Ultimately, you don't want someone unsupportive in your bridal party. Look at the bridesmaids board, there are a million examples of why it's a bad idea. Make it clear you are talking to her just to mend your friendship, not to talk her back into being a bridesmaid.
What I guess I'm super confused about is that I explained the entire story to her and she has known fiance longer than I have, so she should know he would never hurt a fly. I think giving her time will help things I'm just really confused by it I guess. Her response was so...harsh??? I guess thats the word I'm looking for...she didn't seem to be angry at my fiance but she seemed to be angry at me for not breaking up with him sooner. And I thought the majority (her included) of our friends knew about what happened. This was not something we were trying to hide.
Your friend is upset because she loves you. Do you know her background? Maybe she or someone she is close with is/was a victim of domestic abuse and can't tolerate it.
If you explain the whole story and she still stands her ground - you have to respect that.
She might also feel lied too if she knew about your broken arm, was concerned, and you played it off like an accident instead of he was drunk, pushed you, and you fell. I don't think there was any malice on his part and plus most of us have done incredibly stupid things while "blackout drunk".
I agree with melissa. Let her cool down and then explain what happened just as you wrote here. She might still refuse to be in the wedding, but maybe you can salvage the friendship.
@Dollylava - her and my fiance have a great relationship so I have a hard time thinking that she thinks hes being controlling. The idea that she may be in an abusive relationship is kind of hard to believe as well. Now if someone else she knows is I wouldn't know about it and that could be why she reacted that way, but even that is difficult to believe...I know this is selfish but its hard to give her time when i don't understand why she's acting this way in the first place. I'm not good when I know people are mad at me, especially close friends :(
If she's upset over the "abuse" then why would she be angry at you? Shouldn't she be trying to "help" you? That's something that confuses me on this one. Is there maybe another issue going on or another reason why she wouldn't want to be a BM and is just using this as an excuse?
It sounds like she's dealt with some abuse at some point in her life and has a pretty strong reaction to the idea that it could be there. I agree with the other ladies - talk to her in about a week, tell her the whole story, preferably in person, and ask her why she had such a strong reaction. There may be something she's not telling you.
I agree with some PP's that your friend may have been in an abusive relationship in the past and thats why she reacted so strongly. Id give her time to cool off then try talking to her again. You said she has known your FI longer than you, could your FI talk to her?
I agree with the PPs. Your FI does not sound abusive to me either - it sounds like the actions of someone who had too much to drink, which I have seen many times before with male and female friends of mine as well. Give her some time and explain the situation fully - again. Talk to her about why she feels the way she does and hopefully you can both come to an understanding.
I agree with everyone who says to explain the situation to your friend and see if she can understand. However, the reason a bridesmaid stands up with her friend is to support the couple in marriage. It is her right to bow out if she feels she can't do that, and you have to respect her decisions and her reason. I would personally be unable to support a relationship in which there is even a chance that the husband could possibly be violent, whether it is unintentional, due to drink, or has any other cause. Once I knew that potential was there I would personally leave such a relationship, and be very concerned for a friend who was about to marry a person who could be violent. Drink brings out the worst in people, but violence to me is an unacceptable worst. That's my personal decision and I am not in any way trying to put that on you, just saying I understand why your friend is now uncomfortable supporting your marriage.
I think monitajb has said it best, "FI got drunk and beligerent, and pysically caused you to fall down a flight of stairs and break your arm." Any friend would be protective of you no matter how you explained it away. Is she the only one of your friends/family that has expressed concern about supporting your marriage to your FI? Do you feel you are always explaining the situation to make other people understand? Just something to think about.
Don't be mad at her. As rachelss said, a real bridesmaid stands up and supprts the couple in marraige. If she is not comfortable then you should respect that. But you have a lot of time before your wedding so maybe you need to give her some space. If she really wants to be part of your special day, she will make herself available to you.
Jbinkley1 - She is the only one to react that way. And I'm not mad at her, I'm upset that apparently she is mad at me! Thats become the bigger issue. I could understand if she was afraid for me and wanted me out of what she sees as an abusive relationship but that doesn't appear to be the case at all.
I just feel like if she really thought I was being abused she would have tried to do something to help, not shun me and tell me I'm making the wrong decisions with my life. I spoke with a lot of our mutual friends about this and everyone's kind of surprised by her reaction. My FH is the guy that will go out of his way to do anything and everything for anyone, even people he doesn't know, like I said he took full responsibility for what happened and to this day feels awful about it even though it was a complete accident. I took naangel55's advice and asked FH to call her. She ANSWERED his phone call but not mine! That doesn't make any sense to me at all. He's supposed to be the "abusive" one right? Why would she talk to him and not me?? Sorry for the pity party over here but I am so confused!
That is pretty strange that she would be so upset about the "abuse" but then speak with your fiance but not want to talk to you...what did they talk about? Is she still upset with him? I can totally understand not wanting to stand up with you if she didn't support the marriage but it REALLY seems like theres another issue here besides abuse, IMHO I don't see any kind of abuse, it was an accident that is only made worse by the fact that you actually got really hurt. If he had put his weight on you and you'd been able to support him and not fall, would ANYONE think it was abuse?? I don't think so.
I don't understand your friend's reaction at all. If she was truly worried about you it seems like she would be talking to YOU not your fiance. I also have the same suspicion as june42011... that she may have another reason for not wanting to stand by you. Does anything come to mind?
How close are you two? From your post it sounds like she is closer to your FI than you. Something does not add up here.
It sounds like she blew the whole thing out of proportion and maybe is a little embarrassed about it and that's why she isn't answering your calls?
You mentioned she's known your FI longer than you...did something happen many years ago that maybe she is worried about?
Some of my girlfriends have been crazy drunks and there have been several broken bones over the years (broken bones, glasses, bicycles, windows, you name it). It happens! It was clearly a ONE TIME incident. Since you're ok with it, she should be too.
I would give her a little bit of space and then try to meet up for coffee or something casual to talk. Something about that story hit a nerve with her, I would be a little patient with her until it's resolved.
I completely agree that it doesn't add up and time is needed. Pinkpinstripes you brought up a good point, maybe she is embarressed that she freaked out so much about it? Her and FH have known each other since birth. They were childhood friends and anything he would have down before he met me couldn't have been THAT bad, I met him when I was 10 and we started "dating" when I was 14. Him and her have maintained a really close friendship, but we have also become really good friends too. The conversation they had was just bizzare, at least thats how FH described it. He was really upset that she was so torn up about it but when he called and talked to her she acted like it wasn't a big deal at all. I was sitting right next to FH when he was talking to her and it sounded like a completely normal convo!!! Me and FH are just kind of waiting to see what happens. Thanks for all the advice ladies, if you have anymore keep it coming!!
it could be the skeptic in me, but it sounds like she was looking for an easy way out almost, from being your BM. If she's upset with you, and not with him, when she is his friend, then it sounds a little funny to me.
I agree that it seems weird that she would be so mad at you, especially with all the details you have given us...
Is it possible that she isnt upset about the "abuse", but rather she is mad at you for accusing her lifelong friend of being an abuser. I know that you don't really believe he is, but if another mutual friend is joking about it and your fiance still feels bad about the accident, then maybe she thinks you are making him feel like an abuser, telling other people the story, etc. Maybe she thinks that if you are portraying the accident as his fault and implying that it was abuse, then you don't deserve him.
Now, I want to be clear, I dont agree with that & I know you aren't blaming your Fi or calling him an abuser, but maybe that is the way she perceives the situation and her anger at you is really about her loyalty to him. If she knows him well enough to know how kind he is and that he would never hurt you, then maybe she is angry at you for implying he would.
If she still wont talk to you, then maybe your Fiance can approach her from this angle to see why she is mad at you and whether it is about her loyalty to him. Like others have said, I wouldn't worry about trying to have her as a bridesmaid, but hopefully you'll be able to salvage the friendship.
I agree it doesn't make sense how your friend is behaving. Probably something she should have brought up years ago if she thought it was a legitimate concern. Instead sounds like she's fishing for excuses to get out of the wedding, maybe not, maybe she just overreacted and is embarrassed or it's always something she's been concerned about.
I'm sorry but she seems more trouble than she's worth. Are you absolutely sure you want her as a bm? I think if all this issues arise so early on there may be some unresolved issue that will keep resurfacing as the day comes closer.
Think it over and talk it over with you FI esp if she wont talk to you.
Here are my first two gut reactions:
-when she got up and left she maybe she was acting under the influence of alcohol and blew things up (like we're sometimes apt to do under the influence) and now she's embarressed?
OR
-she's had a lifelong crush on your FI and is just now realizing she can't be apart of the wedding where he marries someone else, ala My Best Friend's Wedding? You mentioned she's engaged, but just because someone is engaged doesn't always mean it's all sunshine and rainbows.
Good luck how ever it turns out!
OMG, you're Donna Martin!! Just kidding...
It honestly sounds to me like she's upset about something, and is looking for a reason to pick a fight. So, here was the catalyst handed to her on a silver platter. I have an ex-friend who did stuff like all the time and it was infuriating. She would often latch onto one silly little thing or comment and make a big scene about it in front of other people, only to later find out she was mad I ate the last appetizer when I knew it was her only diet free day. Seriously, this happened. My mom is kinda' like this too, is your friend posessive?? So I think there's some underlying thing going on there.
I don't want to upset you, or make you angry but you did say that her and your Fi have been close friends since birth. Is it possible maybe she has feelings for him, and wants you to leave, so she can have a shot? I mean I don't know, but this seems very strange to me.
Vegasbaby- there was no alcohol involved, but your second comment regarding the crush is actually a little worrisome. She's actually not engaged, doesnt have a bf and really hasn't had a serious relationship, I do have a lot of friends that are, but she is not one of them, sorry if I somehow was confusing on that :)
I've had a few of our mutual friends mention to me that they think she may have stronger than friend feelings for him but I've always just brushed them aside. Thats the only thing I could think would be the underlying issue, and the more I think about it the more I wonder now. Me and her are very close and we do next to everything together, but she does often make comments that make me think she is a tad jealous and it may be because of FH. I hate to jump to conclusions but it does seem like a logical answer...
If it is a possibilty then maybe you should talk to FH about it, and see how he feels about it and thinks if it is true or not, and then maybe talk to her about it if you don't think she will blow up about it. I don't know about you or anyone else but I don't think I could have someone who is jealous of me because she wants me Fi would be standing up for me at my wedding because then she is not genuinly happy for you.
It might explain why she would take his phone call and act like nothings wrong...
Ms.Charleston, That's what I was thinking but I didn't want to say it. Think about it, shes a good friend who loves your fiance but then is telling you NOT to marry him over something that seems completely accidental? Then she gets mad because you didn't break up sooner? Plus she spoke to your fiance like there was nothing wrong. I would think she's waaaay jealous and just upset that if the two of you get married she won't have any chance with him. That be said there could still be a different issue, but you sure stumbled into a messy situation!!
I also agree with pinkpinstripes. I really have no clue what else it could be, because if she is that concerned about it, I don't think she would be his friend or any of that.
@VegasBaby: and @SoonToBeMrs.Kiss: This was my gut instinct as well-- that she may have feelings for him and is using this incident as a way to back out of the wedding. I didn't want to say it because abuse is such a serious topic and I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.
@Ms.Charleston Pearls: It does sound like there might be something there. I'm sorry you are going through this as it sounds difficult all around.
I was thinking the whole time reading all the comments that she must have a thing for your FH. I bet thats what it is! That would make total sence why shes mad at you for something you didnt do and still talks to him!
I'm meeting up with my closest friends for a girl night tonight just to get some more input. If this is the case and she does have major feelings for FH I don't even know how to approach the situation! I know he is in no way interested in her, we've been together for like 10 years and in that entire time he's always considered her more of a sister than anything but I wouldn't know where to even begin bringing this up! This is getting entirely too complicated for me!!!
So sorry you have to deal with this with a good friend/BM (or so you think/thought)-
My SO is the most non-violent person ever, but one night (st.patrick's day) he got too drunk and I was driving home... while he was telling me how 'not drunk' he was and demonstrating what being 'actually drunk' would be like (flailing his arms around in my Jetta), he hit me in the face and knocked my glasses off, which caused a scrape across my nose.
I still make fun of him to this day about how 'not drunk' he was. No one would ever claim he was abusice becuase of that. I'm with the last few posters, something else must be wrong that she's using this as an excuse for to get out of the wedding party.
I thought she must be interested in him also, but didn't want to bring it up. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. Sorry you are in this situation. Maybe it's for the best she's not in the wedding. I can understand her not being able to do this if she in fact does have feelings for him. And, I'm sure you'd prefer her not to be too.
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