Post # 1
Ok, I need some feedback on how to tactfully approach a delicate situation where I’d like to rip a “friend”s head off.
In short, my old roommate (and someone I counted among my closer friends) has gone ahead and set his wedding for the day before mine. His in Boston, mine in Seattle (although FI and I reside full time in Boston). We have a very large group of friends, and there probably 20 overlap invites, including some he’s asked to be in his wedding which would automatically exclude them from ours – not to mention I had assumed to this point that he and his finace would be attending OUR wedding.
I’ve heard this through the grapevine; he never actually approached me or my FI to say “hey, by the way, we’re going to get married on the 30th so it’s going to be a bit of a conflict to yours on the 31st on the opposite coast. sorry.” Our save the dates went out in October for this August and he wasn’t even engaged until December.
I’m upset, annoyed, and confused as to how to approach this. It’s created a very uncomfortable situation among a group of close friends and I want to clear the air. There are enough people that are going to have to make a choice (that we’re likely to be the losing end of, given ours requires travel and theirs doesn’t) that if I had the opportunity to switch our date, I would. At this point though, the venue is booked and several people have already booked airfare and hotels.
What should I say? Do I even say anything? Am I wrong for thinking this is insanely rude and inconsiderate? I know he has the right to have his wedding at anytime without my ‘permission’ but doing it when it takes away a large portion of our friends guest list seems like something that shouldn’t be left unaddressed.
Post # 3
@thenaturalginger: How many overlapping guests do you think there’ll be?
Post # 4
@thenaturalginger: if you sent him a save the date before he was even engaged he knows what he did. I’m not sure what can be done since he clearly didn’t care about the conflict and isn’t likely to change his date. By all means you can tell him you are hurt if that will feel better, but I wouldn’t hope for more than a rather hallow “sorry”.
Post # 5
@thenaturalginger: I’d say something to the affect of “Oh John, we’re so happy for you and Sarah’s engagement, it’s just too bad that we won’t be able to attend each others’ weddings, I was really hoping to share our happy day with you.”
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Do not suggest they change their date. They could have dealt with family drama or venue restrictions and the 30th was the only date that worked. You don’t know and they were obviously aware of your wedding date when they booked theirs. It sucks and it’s okay to be disappointed but it’s not your place to ask them to change their date.
Next time you hang out with them I would pull them aside and politely congratulate them on setting their wedding date and then give them my regrets that I won’t be able to attend since I’ll be out of town for my own wedding. That gives them a chance to explain the situation and apologize, which they will hopefully do. Other than that, it puts all of your mutual friends in the awkward position of choosing which wedding to attend. Still send out your invites as planned to the mutual friends. Unfortunately, since you’re doing a DW across the country, you will probably see a large percentage of your mutual friends choose to attend their wedding since theirs is local and therefore less expensive to attend.
Post # 8
What an awkward situation, and it certainly could have been handled better by your old roommate, but what’s done is done. In our case, we planned a DW, and ended up having to have it the week after a friend of ours’ wedding (some mutual guests, but none that would have to choose between the two for monetary reasons). Anyway, even in that situation, we reached out and apologized profusely and asked if it was ok to schedule ours so close to theirs. They agreed, but were dissapointed they wouldn’t be able to attend ours because they would be on their honeymoon. All ended well, we went to theirs and they missed ours. In short, I understand the inclination to be furious because an apology and an explanation would have gone a long way (as it usually does), but try to fight it and take the high road.
Post # 9
I would perhaps just call him up and ask if they set an official date (get if from him directly) instead of relying on others when it may not be what you think. As long as you are just calling to ask him, I am sure he’ll understand you wanting to confirm this, I don’t think you’ll ruffle any feathers. Once it is confirmed you can figure things out from there.
Perhaps his FI set the date without realizing what date yours is or they were just playing around and joking that was their date and someone took it seriously and spread the news.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
@thenaturalginger: Is there any way he hasn’t realised this mistake? He may have forgotten the save the date/thrown it away accidentally.
I think you definitely need to mention it to him asap! Hopefully this is a simple misunderstanding and his date can be changed.
Post # 11
I understand what you’re feeling. Fi’s friend picked the same date as ours, like a month after we booked our venue. There are probably only like 10 overlapping guests. It was disappointing, but I feel that everyone has the right to pick the day that works best for them. They have reasons to pick their date, just like you did to pick yours. It sucks, but I don’t think you can be justifiably mad. I am sure they didn’t do it to hurt you.
I would just say to them that you wish you would have been able to go to each other’s weddings. It will get the point across that you’re bummed, without being selfish.
Post # 12
That sound like a shitty thing to do but maybe he got a venue that was pretty much all booked besides a few weekends in the summer, which I wouldn’t be suprised, and that worked best for their families. I would just reach out and tell him you’re so excited for his wedding and ask if they’ve set a date yet since you haven’t heard anything since the engagement.
Post # 13
@thenaturalginger: Confirm that is the coorect date you said you heard it through the grapevine it may be a date mix up on the other persons part. If it is the day before your wedding you sent STD’s before they even got engaged and many people probably already purchased tickets etc for your wedding and will probably miss his.
Post # 14
@thenaturalginger: If you’ve sent STDs, then normal etiquette is that people who have received them should give priority to yours. Though obviously those that weren’t going to fly across the country anyway, might go to his.
I would contact him and check that really is his date. If it is, there’s no point getting angry, you simply say something like, “Well ours is the next day so I’m sorry we can’t attend yours obviously”.
As others have said, perhaps he had no choice with the date. Or his fiancee organised it without too much consulting him.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
Wow, that’s a bit of a crappy thing to do. Now your friends will have to pick, and if you all live in boston to start with it might be your fly-to wedding they opt out of. 🙁
I would really have to say something. Point it out in as nice a way as possible. Maybe they haven’t sent out anything official and it could still be changed?
Post # 16
@thenaturalginger: I had someone do this from my hometown, only she scheduled hers for the exact same day. Her FI’s parents are close with mine and would have been invited to my wedding, along with many other cross over guests. I was really upset at first. She was engaged 6 months after I was, and I had already announced publicly via social media when my wedding was scheduled for, so she clearly knew. I messaged her politely to ask if she might consider rescheduling. She revoked and I moved on. I wished her well and am polite to her and her FI whenever I see them. Its annoying but not the end of the world. Sorry about your situation 🙁 I know how much it sucks when it happens…