Friend scheduled their wedding on our date

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How should I approach this difficult conversation:
    Ignore it, send out invites as planned, and expect several regrets : (69 votes)
    57 %
    Say something to clear the air, knowing nothing can be done : (35 votes)
    29 %
    Suggest they reconsider their date, given the number of people affected and ours was booked in Oct. : (18 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    6964 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @thenaturalginger:  if you sent him a save the date before he was even engaged he knows what he did. I’m not sure what can be done since he clearly didn’t care about the conflict and isn’t likely to change his date. By all means you can tell him you are hurt if that will feel better, but I wouldn’t hope for more than a rather hallow “sorry”.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1566 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @thenaturalginger:  I’d say something to the affect of “Oh John, we’re so happy for you and Sarah’s engagement, it’s just too bad that we won’t be able to attend each others’ weddings, I was really hoping to share our happy day with you.”

    Post # 7
    Member
    9137 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    Do not suggest they change their date.  They could have dealt with family drama or venue restrictions and the 30th was the only date that worked.  You don’t know and they were obviously aware of your wedding date when they booked theirs.  It sucks and it’s okay to be disappointed but it’s not your place to ask them to change their date.

    Next time you hang out with them I would pull them aside and politely congratulate them on setting their wedding date and then give them my regrets that I won’t be able to attend since I’ll be out of town for my own wedding.  That gives them a chance to explain the situation and apologize, which they will hopefully do.  Other than that, it puts all of your mutual friends in the awkward position of choosing which wedding to attend. Still send out your invites as planned to the mutual friends.  Unfortunately, since you’re doing a DW across the country, you will probably see a large percentage of your mutual friends choose to attend their wedding since theirs is local and therefore less expensive to attend.

    Post # 8
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @beachbride1216:  Agreed.

    What an awkward situation, and it certainly could have been handled better by your old roommate, but what’s done is done.  In our case, we planned a DW, and ended up having to have it the week after a friend of ours’ wedding (some mutual guests, but none that would have to choose between the two for monetary reasons).  Anyway, even in that situation, we reached out and apologized profusely and asked if it was ok to schedule ours so close to theirs.  They agreed, but were dissapointed they wouldn’t be able to attend ours because they would be on their honeymoon.   All ended well, we went to theirs and they missed ours.  In short, I understand the inclination to be furious because an apology and an explanation would have gone a long way (as it usually does), but try to fight it and take the high road.   

    Post # 9
    Member
    525 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I would perhaps just call him up and ask if they set an official date (get if from him directly) instead of relying on others when it may not be what you think. As long as you are just calling to ask him, I am sure he’ll understand you wanting to confirm this, I don’t think you’ll ruffle any feathers. Once it is confirmed you can figure things out from there.

    Perhaps his FI set the date without realizing what date yours is or they were just playing around and joking that was their date and someone took it seriously and spread the news.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1899 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

    @thenaturalginger:  Is there any way he hasn’t realised this mistake? He may have forgotten the save the date/thrown it away accidentally. 

    I think you definitely need to mention it to him asap! Hopefully this is a simple misunderstanding and his date can be changed. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    194 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    @thenaturalginger:  

    I understand what you’re feeling. Fi’s friend picked the same date as ours, like a month after we booked our venue. There are probably only like 10 overlapping guests. It was disappointing, but I feel that everyone has the right to pick the day that works best for them. They have reasons to pick their date, just like you did to pick yours. It sucks, but I don’t think you can be justifiably mad. I am sure they didn’t do it to hurt you. 

    I would just say to them that you wish you would have been able to go to each other’s weddings. It will get the point across that you’re bummed, without being selfish.

    Post # 12
    Member
    128 posts
    Blushing bee

    That sound like a shitty thing to do but maybe he got a venue that was pretty much all booked besides a few weekends in the summer, which I wouldn’t be suprised, and that worked best for their families.  I would just reach out and tell him you’re so excited for his wedding and ask if they’ve set a date yet since you haven’t heard anything since the engagement.

    Post # 13
    Member
    52 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @nadnuk:  +100

     

    @thenaturalginger:  Confirm that is the coorect date you said you heard it through the grapevine it may be a date mix up on the other persons part. If it is the day before your wedding you sent STD’s before they even got engaged and many people probably already purchased tickets etc for your wedding and will probably miss his. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    7195 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @thenaturalginger:  If you’ve sent STDs, then normal etiquette is that people who have received them should give priority to yours. Though obviously those that weren’t going to fly across the country anyway, might go to his.

    I would contact him and check that really is his date. If it is, there’s no point getting angry, you simply say something like, “Well ours is the next day so I’m sorry we can’t attend yours obviously”.

    As others have said, perhaps he had no choice with the date. Or his fiancee organised it without too much consulting him.

    Post # 15
    Member
    774 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

    Wow, that’s a bit of a crappy thing to do. Now your friends will have to pick, and if you all live in boston to start with it might be your fly-to wedding they opt out of. 🙁 

    I would really have to say something. Point it out in as nice a way as possible. Maybe they haven’t sent out anything official and it could still be changed? 

    Post # 16
    Member
    2010 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @thenaturalginger:  I had someone do this from my hometown, only she scheduled hers for the exact same day.  Her FI’s parents are close with mine and would have been invited to my wedding, along with many other cross over guests.  I was really upset at first.  She was engaged 6 months after I was, and I had already announced publicly via social media when my wedding was scheduled for, so she clearly knew.  I messaged her politely to ask if she might consider rescheduling.  She revoked and I moved on.  I wished her well and am polite to her and her FI whenever I see them.  Its annoying but not the end of the world.  Sorry about your situation 🙁 I know how much it sucks when it happens…

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