Post # 1
So, we had to keep our wedding somewhat small, and we both have huge families. So our families make up most of the guest list. We invited just our close friends.
Last fall I was asked to be in the wedding of my high school friend. We were close then, but it’s been 10 years since then, and I was surprised she asked me to be in her wedding. Once I got engaged, and started making the guest, I couldn’t see inviting her and not one of my closer friends, depsite etiquette. Well, it’s now only a couple days until my wedding and she let me know via message on facebook, how messed up it was and how made she was, and basically wrote me a major nastygram. I’m so upset and feel like a bad person, but on the other hand, we didn’t end up having our younger cousins, because of it being an adult wedding only. So, I couldn’t justify inviting someone on pure etiquette. And I don’t think it’s fair to do something like this a couple days before my wedding. I’m so upset, I’m having a hard time enjoying myself and fear this ruining my wedding.
Post # 3
@mconnell: Oh hunny, don’t let this chick ruin your wedding!! It’s YOUR wedding, not hers. She already had her wedding. She of all people should know about trimming the guest list. You have enough to worry about right now with your wedding only days away (Congrats by the way!!) so please please please just delete the fbook msg from her, block her if you have to, and just try to enjoy these last few moments of your engagement!! 🙂
Post # 4
don’t let her ruin it for you. i would probably respond as nicely as possible and tell her that your’e very sorry that her feelings are hurt and that was never your intention, but you HAD to keep the guest list small and with your families it just didn’t leave much room for friends. If she wants to be mad after that… well there is just nothing you can do about it.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t worry about it. If she can’t understand your situation then she’s not a very good friend anyway. The fact that she invited you to her wedding doesn’t require you to invite her to yours. You shouldn’t have to give anything in return for that. I say just forgive and forget. It’s your day not hers. That was one thing I have been trying to learn throughout this whole wedding planning process… you can’t please everybody so don’t even try. Send her back a nice simple message that says something like “I’m sorry if I have offended you but due to a limited space, we could only invite our families and best friends. If there were no constraints I would be overjoyed to have you at my wedding, but as it stands that just isn’t possible. I am deeply sorry if I have hurt you in any way.”
Post # 6
that girl needs to build a bridge and get over it, seriously the nerve of some people…
Post # 7
I second aubrav – don’t let it bother you but send her a brief note of explanation. It was rude for her to email, but even if she hadn’t emailed she might have felt hurt if she doesn’t understand the size of your wedding and your families.
Post # 8
Sounds to me like she hasn’t been a close friend for the past couple of years, and after her behavior, shouldn’t be a friend at all. Don’t let this upset you. You are not the one at fault here. Sounds like she is a piece of work, and you wedding day will be way better without her. And FB? Really? She couldn’t have picked up the phone? They are right when they say weddings bring out the best and the worst in people. This is an example of the worst.
Post # 9
I would try to get past it and not reply at all. if she did this to you with a few days to go, she’s not a very good friend at all and one you don’t want to keep. Don’t let her upset you. you did the right thing in the end for you and fiancee and your wedding. i know what its like to keep your wedding small and lose friends because you didn’t invite them. Just stick to your guns and know you made the right decision.
Post # 10
Actually, I’m pretty sure etiquette states that you don’t have to invite her to your wedding and it’s actually rude of her to make a stink about it. If you had made any mention of your wedding to her or hinted at her coming then you might be in the wrong, but you don’t have to invite anyone just because they asked you to be in their wedding or invited you to theirs.
Post # 11
Do not let this ruin anything! You can’t invite the whole world – there will always be someone who’s upset. It’s been 10 years, let it go. You’ll have an amazing time at your wedding with family!!
Post # 12
Just playing devils advocate here…..You were just in her wedding last fall? It does seem like it wasn’t really all that long ago.. yes high school 10 years before that was a long time. But you did support her for her wedding so maybe she feels a little hurt because you were just in her wedding less than a year ago & now she’s not even invited to yours? Again; I’m just playing devils advocate here. I have no idea the whole situation. I can just see how that might make you feel a little slighted. I don’t agree with the way she handled it at all though. totally rude and uncalled for… don’t let it get you down. you obviously had your reasoning for not sending her an invite; so you just have to stick to it and know you made the right choice for you!
Post # 13
Just to add something: The only thing I can think of that you may have done wrong is not giving her a personal heads-up about why she wasn’t invited. Obviously it’s going to hurt her, you knew that so maybe you could have met with her to explain your small guest list and desire for a small wedding. You don’t need to give any deatils about where she ranked on the potential invite list, but you could explain that you and your FI dreamed of a small wedding which unfortunately meant making many sacrifices on the guest list.
Post # 14
I wouldn’t worry about it. Obviously this girl thinks you were much closer than you actually are. I mean yeah, like you said, 10 years ago! but people grow up and move on. You already were courteous enough to be in her wedding even though you thought it was weird she was even asking. I have a friend like this as well…we’ve known each other for about 10 yrs..we were really close for the first couple of years, but then she developed some habits I wasn’t ok with and I kind of distanced myself from her. We hardly ever hang out, much less speak to eachother, but one day she jokingly said “so I’ll be your maid of honor right?” and I was like “umm no actually my sister will be” . I shouldve have taken the oppurtunity then and there to tell her that we weren’t as tight as we used to be and that she will not be involved in my wedding. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
But maybe if you’re more corageous than me you can write her back and say “look, not only did we have to exclude guests due to budget etc, but we have not been close friends for a very long time.” maybe even let her know that you were surprised she asked you to be in her wedding. let her know that while you harbor no ill will for her, you just feel that you’ve drifted apart, it was no one’s fault but it happened, and you had to make cuts to your guest list. etc etc. I dont kow. this is a tough one, I hate to hurt someone’s feelings, but with my friend I mentioned above it seems to be the only way I can ever get through to her. Sorry this is so long!
Post # 15
I have to agree with DemoDreamer here.
If you were JUST in here wedding..JUST counts as 12 months ago…why wouldnt she be invited…one person wont make a difference. At the end of the day she was wrong to write you with an angry email…but i think she has a right to be angry all the same.
Post # 16
I disagree with the notion that just because someone invited you to be a guest or attendant at their wedding you’re obligated to invite them to yours. Especially if you had to leave FAMILY off of your guest list. I get that she feels hurt, but since when is it in good taste to question someone about their guest list?