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I think it's a lot of fun for girls to talk about these things together... I mean how boring would ordinary life be if we never focused on exciting possibilities for the future? Now, if you're engaged and planning a wedding, and every time you talk about YOUR wedding, she immediately talks about hers, that would be annoying... Of my 6 bridesmaids, 5 are married, and one is single. I love talking to the single 'maid about what her marriage and future husband will be like... granted she is great at listening to me about my wedding stuff, but because she's my friend I love encouraging her to dream about how awesome it will be when it's her turn.
Unless she is actually placing deposits on places, there is no problem. Why is this annoying you so? Let her have fun dreaming of her wedding day!
Let me just say that when I read this I laughed really hard, because I have a friend just like this!!! ...But I don't find it annoying.
As mrsmike said, it's normal for many girls to talk about their dream wedding. My friend is constantly calling me over to her cube to look at wedding pics on facebook! I just let her enjoy it. I'm sure that her wedding is going to be 10 times better than mine 'cause she's been planning it forever :)
I say cut your friend some slack and unless she's seriously interrupting conversations you're having about your own wedding just let her fantasize. You telling her she should get a boyfriend first (while you are about to get married) is a little harsh.
I have to agree with the other ladies. If she is bringing up her "wedding" everytime you bring up yours or if she is putting deposits down that's one thing. I can't say I understand it, but some girls enjoy thinking about way before they get a boyfriend, but it's not for anyone to try and shut her up unless it is really out of control. It can be hard, but just not to let her fantasies bother you.
Hey, me and my best friend from high school had our entire weddings planned right down to the color of the ribbons on the boutinnieres when we were single! 
She probably feels left out since you get to actually plan all this stuff...let her have her fun and dreams and try to go easy on her. I could see why you'd be irritated since this is supposed to be "your" time, but as a fellow woman...weddings are fair game for everyone to dream.
I agree that it is totally normal for to dream for the future. I've been talking about what my wedding and future husband would be like in specifics for years! I've had a folder of "wedding porn" for quite a while. Maybe its annoying if she brings it up constantly, but I don't think its a fair thing to say, "Shouldn't you get a boyfriend first?" You wouldn't say to someone in high school dreaming about their future career, "Shouldn't you get into college first?" She is obviously hoping to have a special day of her own soon, and as her friend, she feels that she can share that with you. Also, keep in mind that weddings are not only about the marriage. The way it works in our society, a wedding is also a special celebration for a woman to show off her style and have all eyes on her! She is probably jealous that you have this opportunity before she does. Be understanding - friends can feel left out. Use this as a way to connect with her. Example: Friend - "So when I get married, Mom and I really want to have calla lilies..." You - "Calla lilies are beautiful, I agree! Daisies are more my style because my wedding will be less formal. That will be so exciting for you to plan a big, glamorous event one day!" Just let her feel like she can come to you to have her dreams affirmed, since you get to live yours out.
Well, the problem is none of our friends are getting married. My wedding happend in the past so no one is planning a wedding and there is no reason to bring up weddings. Its not like one of our friends is planning something.
I do think it's still relatively normal to talk about this kind of stuff. I know a lot of women who began collecting wedding ideas long before they got married. Heck, I used to tear stuff out of Martha Stewart Weddings for inspiration before I started dating my husband. Like the other ladies said, I think if she were putting deposits down or sending invitations, then maybe it would be another story. As for now, it sounds like she's just having a little fun.
I'm going to take a different tack here. I have a friend, my MOH actually, who's kind of notorious for doing the same thing. It's not that I find it necessarily annoying, but rather worrying. We both talked a bit about what our weddings would be like even before I met fizicsGuy, but it was kind of different...more light-hearted and abstract. Since she was about 23, she's been *positive* that every guy (even total jerks) was the person she was going to marry. Her last BF treated her pretty badly, but she still says she's sure they were right for each other. When I was shopping for dresses, she talked about her "wedding that didn't happen" with such detail that my sister thought she'd been engaged and it was broken off (so far from the truth).
It sounds to me that this is less about her talk being annoying than it is about your feeling that maybe it's unhealthy? I wish I could give you some advice, but I still ahven't figured out the best way to handle it. I do think that saying things like, "Maybe you should find a boyfriend first", while well-intentioned, might put her on the defensive. Perhaps you could more directly approach her with your concerns. I know with my friend she has a lot of issues surrounding the need to be validated by men. I've been a good listener and gently nudged her, and over the years she's come to see this a bit more. It's still a bit strange and unhealthy (imho), but I think it's getting better.
I have a friend like fizicsGirls MOH... it is very scary! I do worry that she'll end up with the wrong guy out of desperation. She keeps saying "it feels like everyone I know is getting married or having kids" so she's put the pressure on herself. I try not to talk wedding with her b/c I don't want to essentially rub it in her face or enable her.
I can kind of understand why you'd find it annoying-- you probably weren't the type of girl to dream about your wedding when you were younger. I wasn't either... I never got why so many of my friends were wedding obsessed. I'm the first in my friend group to get married & I think its because I haven't been wedding obsessed. When you set deadlines or plan it all out, it rarely happens that way! I follow the "come what may" mantra :)
Your friend is just a dreamer... don't shoot her down everytime, but don't enable her by talking wedding plans either. She knows she doesn't have a bf, you don't need to remind her!!
I think your friend seems like she will be in love with the thought of having her wedding & maybe not her actual boyfriend when she gets one. Sorry so harsh but Ive seen many girls act that way & it annoys me. There are so many others things for women to focus on like there career, goals, accomplishments, travel, etc. Why jump the gun? I dont get it. Sorry, im just being blunt.
And I would be extremely annoyed if she did it everytime I mentioned my wedding. Why do women not focus there energy on other things than just the expected? Just to throw that out there.
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I have a sister that is like fizicsGirl and RecessionistaBride's friends. No BF, but talks about her wedding all the time. She also talks all the time about who's getting married and who's having kids, always finishing with a statement about how she doesn't have any of those things.
When we talk about FI's & my wedding, and she starts talking about plans for hers, I try to emphasize how much input FI has had - it's been a lot! - and that when she gets married she will have another person's personality, tastes, family, etc to consider. I'm not sure what else to do without seeming like I"m shooting her down!
I'm not sure I helped, but I agree that as long as she's not buying things for a wedding, it's all pie in the sky. However, if she gets depressed because she has the whole thing figured out except the groom, maybe you can do things together where you make it a point to not to discuss wedding plans??
I have always been fascinated with weddings. Since i was a little girl. I think I was similar to "the girl that talks about the wedding". When I didn't have a boyfriend, and others were getting married I would talk wedding, "What kind of dress are your wearing? .... oh, that's ____, I plan on wearing something like ______ when I get married". The only person (that I know of) that it really annoyed was my younger sister. She never got it. I never booked anything or visited vendors pretending to be engaged, but I always knew what was in, and I always had a vision of my dream wedding. Now that my wedding is over I try to help others where I can, I can't help it I just love weddings. My husband teases me that pretty soon I'll start to plan our 50th wedding anniversary (we've been married 3 months). LOL....
Just have patience, so long as she isn't booking vendors or rushing into hurtful/damaging relationships its all in her head, these beautiful visions and dreams. Let her dream.
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Since when is it a problem to dream about your wedding? I think its absolutely fine! It may just be her personality. She may just love weddings. I can see how it may be annoying but saying "don't you think you should get a boyfriend" is pretty harsh and really not going to make her stop. Being single doesn't mean that you can't think about weddings!
If it is really that bad, I would say something like "I had a lot of ideas too but it all changes once you find the guy and you include his vision too!"
Well, if there is no wedding planning going on, and she's not stepping on anyone's toes, I say let her dream :)
Maybe she's thinking of becoming a wedding planner? Maybe she's just fantasizing about the future?
I had a roommate one summer who thought so much about her future wedding. It was adorable in some ways, but she tended to do this to the exclusion of meeting people who might make future mates. She had a wedding book and clippings, but refused to get on Match or get out in the community and meet guys. Occasionally, I would re-direct her by saying, "Why don't you come out with me tonight... Mr. Right is out there somewhere!"
I would do the best I could to be tolerant of her and step away at time when you couldn't handle it because it's rubbing you the wrong way. Best of luck.
I see both sides that have been presented. But I think it boils down to, how "annyoing" or concerning is this?
On the one hand, I don't think you should really say much in terms of "Shouldn't you have a boyfriend, first?" She might be like many girls, insecure about finding a guy. And by thinking about the possibilities in the future, it could be a healthy way to stay positive. (Instead of going around thinking, "I'll never get married." "All the good guys are taken." "Why can't I find a guy like her's?"
But I was thinking what fizicsgirl mentioned. Is this causing some obsession, where she's could just be looking to marry whomever comes her way? I could see that being a concern.
You say she doesn't have a boyfriend now. Has she ever? Does she often? I could see as some pp expressed if you're feeling scared or concerned for her, fearing an unhealthy attitude towards weddings, without considering what it means to actually be married. But your words were "annoyed". If it's just that she seems to be planning and dreaming more than you care to hear, I can empathize that it's annoying. But I wouldn't say things to hurt her feelings. I would try to gently, steer the conversation in a new direction. If she has other interests discuss those. If she doesn't maybe you can spend time doing activities that might spark an interest for her, or at least keep her mouth from talking so much about weddings. Take tennis or cooking lessons together. Go to a movie. Go to an amusement park.
I am like the friend, too! I love everything about weddings. I even started an event design business because of it. Every woman in my family with the exception of a cousin and I were married by the age of 25 (talk about pressure, I'll be 29 next Thursday). My M and I aren't officially engaged (i don't have the ring yet, but we've loosely been looking) but we have set a date of December 31, 2010.
@crebre, dont feel bad if you have set the date without the ring. By your post you said "we have set a date". So long as both of you are planning your future together, there is no need to be apologetic. Many bees started planning with their SO before the ring.
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I think that when someone gets engaged or whenever someone meets a threshold activity in their lives, part of the...fun?...satisfaction?...transition? I don't know what to call it, but part of it is being able to turn around and reflect upon your previous ways in life.
I know that before I got engaged and before I even met my FI, I knew that I wanted to get married and have babies. I didn't know who at all, but I was confident in that it was going to happen. I don't think I ever spoke about what I "knew" with friends, but I did have other single friends who went as far as to buy the dress and keep it in their closets (try explaining THAT one to your boyfriend!).
As an engaged person, I feel like I can almost breathe a sigh of relief when I look at my former life. I honestly feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief sometimes when I look at my few remaining single friends who almost appear to be grasping at straws. I know you aren't supposed to say this outloud, but I thought it might give some insight on this post.
Did anyone else feel this way?
i see no problem at all in fantasizing about weddings before youre engaged and its even cute to compare what ifs with you as youre planning. the part that bothers my is that she has her parents talking about wedding details and deciding things without any serious boyfriend. it kinda sounds like shes all about the wedding like some of the other bees are saying and that the first guy she dates next will be the one so she can have her big day. maybe thats assuming too much and i hope so but i can def see where it can get annoying with her.
before i was engaged, me and my friends definitely planned our weddings and had all sorts of ideas but it was light-hearted and fun, not annoying and obsessive. maybe she feels left out since you are planning for real and shes still single and shes trying to keep up and maybe her insecurity of being single is coming off this way.
her parents involved, though, thats just a whole other level. she sounds obsessed with a wedding and getting married. maybe you should talk to her??
I work with a girl who is like that - openly talks about how she has her entire wedding planned down to the most minute details, yet has no boyfriend. We aren't that close, granted, because she's, well, annoying. But I do just sort of feel bad for her because men can smell that kind of desperation. It's not getting her anywhere.
I think a lot of times girls who are surrounded by married or engaged friends obviously will reflect on their own situation, and girls who really want to get married and have babies who haven't found Mr. Right yet do sometimes have the tendency to go a little psycho. There's NOTHING wrong with fantasizing about what your wedding will be like and the kind of stuff you might want to do - it's FUN! - but when it gets to a point where you're too actively planning and thinking about it I personally feel it is unhealthy. I agree with the posters who said that it turns every boyfriend into potential husband, and most men would run screaming if they met a girl who had her entire wedding planned already. Definitely not the way to start a relationship!
I see no problem with it. My friends and I used to dream about what kind of dresses we liked and flowers and stuff, and what would be practical versus not- I mean, I watched Say Yes To The Dress way before I met my bf and started to think about it and talk to my friends about it- plus w/ my best friends getting married in 2009 and 2010 respectively, I sure did enjoy having fun talking with them about what I would want too!
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My friend keeps talking about her wedding yet does not have a boyfriend and is not dating anyone! I find this to be annoying. When she does this I say dont you think you should first get a boyfriend and I get no response. she then continues to talk about places where her and her parents want to have the wedding. She also does this about rings. Any advice what to say to this friend?