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I have a friend who I saw about three months ago, and we were close my junior year of college, but we've been drifting a bit since, and when we were hanging out (pre-engagement) she asked if she could be a BM.
I awkwardly said something to the effect of 'Sure, if he ever proposes [insert awkward, nervous laughter]." Well, since that day we've barely talked. I've tried reaching out to her repeatedly, and she's stood me up a couple of times.
This might be kinda mean of me (and super passive-agressive), but the way I 'told' her was to point her to my wedding website, where it lists my BMs. I know, super childish, but it was late and she only bothers with me as a 'friend' when something interesting is happening in my life. So.....mature response, no.
If I could do it again in a more rational, adult manner, I would tell her that you have to keep the bridal party small (even if it's 4 people) and you've already told W, X, Y & Z that they could be in your party. I would let her know that you still want her involved and that you'd love to have her be there at your bridal shower and your bachelorette party.
Who the heck says something like that to a bride? I'll tell you who- somebody who knows that they haven't been all that great of a friend but they expect to be treated like they have. Don't ever add somebody to your wedding party because you're afraid they will get upset. If she is grumpy and unpredictable, she will probably end up doing more harm than good.
Maybe you can offer up the personal attendant role to "soften the blow". But yeah, she shouldn't have sent that via text, or put you in that position. I wouldn't make her a bridesmaid out of guilt - I have a feeling that we'd see you back here in 6 months posting about how she's gone AWOL or is a bridesmaid-zilla.
I think it's very rude of her say something like that to you! As others have said, if she really is that moody and grumpy, you don't want her sour mood to ruin yor day. You get to choose who you have as your bridesmaids and people shouldn't just guilt you into choosing them.
ugh, not an easy situation to be in. I don't think asking her to avoid hurting her feelings or having her be upset with you is the best approach... especially if you expect she might not be a great BM!
I would be honest but not brutally honest (I don't think there's any need to say that she's grumpy or has her own issues), but tell her that while you value her friendship and really want her to be there on your big day, you have decided that your BMs will be your closest friends, relatives, etc. (some identifying thing that sets them apart from her).
I chose my BMs and a week later a cousin who I was close with years and years ago called me to tell me how upset she was with me that I hadn't asked her "because we're like sisters." (I've posted about this before). I was so caught off guard (and disappointed that she made her "congratulations you're engaged" call to me all about her), but I was honest - I just told her that while I wanted her there, I asked my sister and my closest friends to be my BMs, women who are there for me day in, day out and I see them and speak with them all the time. She and I speak maybe once a year and she didn't even know FI's name! She later deleted me and my BMs from a social networking site, then added me back, blah blah blah. I decided not to invite her to the wedding at all (she said she would wear the same colour dresses as my BMs "and just get in the pictures", so I kind of expected some drama and really don't need it! She emailed me two weeks ago "just to let me know she has a new address" (I've never sent her anything in my life, so I assume she's expecting an invite). I'm awaiting the drama when she finds out one isn't coming - I am certain she will not see any fault on her part.
Good luck... I hope your friend understands, and IMO if she's a true friend, she will.
I think my bigger issue with this situation is that she TEXTED! instead of calling you. If she is planning on being "heart-broken" over it, then she could've picked up the phone.
Be honest with her. Just tell her that you don't feel like she is being a very good friend. But then again, you also mentioned that she is going through a bit of a grumpy spell.
If you want her as a bridesmaid, then she can be a bridesmaid, just don't expect to have high hopes thats all.
@Goldilocks1107: You're totally right. I just have this sick feeling that if she were a BM, I would definitely be back here complaining! lol
okay thanks ladies. I totally feel better about my thoughts of not having her a BM. I don't need ANY extra stress especially the day of, and especially if her son is attending the wedding too, I wouldn't want him running around without his mom there to keep him at bay.
NO! Don't worry about her feelings. Trust me, she just wants to be asked. later on, if she isn't that good of a friend like you said, she will be complaining about buying the dress, hair, makeup, shoes, going to the rehearsal dinner, etc. Only ask people to be a BM if you want them in your INTIMATE circle on your wedding day. Think to yourself, do you want or need her drama on the wedding day? While you are planning everything?????? Take it from me, I had 6 BMs...
Oh and I'd like toadd, you do not owe her an explanation either. You can have her do a reading, or be in charge of something day-of, but seriously, you don't need to explain to everyone why you chose certain people. It's just not right that she threatened you like that. Like "Hey! You better do this or I'll be sad!!" Totally not cool. Sorry if I'm blunt, just have to tell you how I see it :)
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that she would be "heartbroken" if she wasn't one of my BMs.
A bit of background. I moved from one city to another in grade 8. She was the first person I became friends with, and we considered eachother best friends. In high school we got in a bit of a fight and lost contact after she switched schools. Fast forward to now. She is a single mom, and we see eachother perhaps once or twice every month or two. We talk through text maybe once a week, and she texted me yesterday to see how my planning was going. I may have opened up the can of worms myself, but I'm a honest person and told her I'm having a hard time choosing my BMs.
She hasn't been that good of a friend to me lately, and has a lot of issues of her own, and is really bad at hiding her emotions. She gets grumpy and doesn't talk to anyone for weeks at a time.
Do you think I should make her one just so she's not upset with me? I really don't think it's fair that she says to me "I will be heartbroken if I'm not one of your bridesmaids."
I'm just wondering what others have done in similar situations. She is my friend, and I hate to hurt anyone's feelings, but I know that it has to happen sometimes